Ahoy, squirts. Quint here with another review of TROY from one of the many colleges that are getting early looks of the film... I'm trying not to let these mixed and negative reviews bring my anticipation of the film down, but you can't deny that something is definitely rubbing people the wrong way. There's an Austin screening next Monday, so expect to hear from all the Austin AICN folks on this one. Garbage or gold? I guess we'll all know in the very near future! Here's NU's Ryan!
Dear AICN,
I noticed you put up some reviews of Troy from some college screenings, so I figured I would e-mail you what I thought of this movie because the reviews so far don't really let you know how little you should really be looking forward to this movie.
First off, I attend Northwestern University and one of the student organizations decided to do one of those sneak previews of Troy that seem to be going on around the country. Unluckily, I waited in line for an hour or so with a group of 6 of us, four guys, two girls, and we got in to see it. The searched us for cameras etc., although honestly, I wouldn't have wasted the $2 tape to record the dissapointment that followed.
Wow, can I just say how BLOWN AWAY I was at how MEDIOCRE this movie turned out to be. I can't believe it. I was so siked to see this movie, I mean, the trailers with the awesome music and the boats and the fighting . . . it looked ridiculous right???? Well, It just plain isn't. So here's my 100% spoiler-free review of why it ain't.
First, the good:
The man vs. man action. The fight between Hector and Achilles is flat-out hardcore awesome fighting. If the whole movie had been like this, I would be changing my pants right now. Unfortunately, it's not, the fighting is kept to a minimum, as I will delve into later in "the bad" section.
The good-looking people. Wow, what a ridiculously good-looking cast. Unfortunately, that's all I can say for them.
Eric Bana as Hector. He is undoubtedly the only saving grace of any of the characters, although Brian Cox is definitely solid as well. I for one hated the Hulk, (just felt like it didn't know what it was supposed to be, ie. it didn't know it wasn't supposed to be crap), but I didn't feel any of the Hulk had Bana to blame, and I doubt anyone will dispute how amazing Bana was in Chopper. Expect him to be the only character you care about in this movie and expect Brian Cox to be the only other actor you respect after this movie.
The BAD (and there's a whole lot of it):
I started to get pissed when I noticed no naked Helen (besides an ass), after reading a review a while ago on AICN about how amazing her body looks. I'm sure this has to do with the whole 'violence is okay, but nudity isn't' trend that is going around in media today post-jackson-nipple. Anyone whose seen South Park - Fun times with Weapons knows what I'm talking about. Anyway, that's a minor gripe, and I don't mean to lose credibility, but come on, I mean, come on??
Anyways, THE MUSIC IS HORRIBLE!!!!! Like, remember the woman kind of singing/whimpering/whining I guess in the opening scene of Gladiator???? Well, if you don't, you'll have it piercing in your brain long after TROY ends. No music in TROY was good. It was just there, less then bland, in fact, just bad. How hard is it to come up with good music for a movie like that???? Did you not hear the music in Gladiator?? Copy it!!! I don't care, just play something that COMPLIMENTS the movie for a change.
How about the big action scenes???? Boring to say the least. I'm sorry, but Wolfgang Peterson needs to understand that there can be a lot more to a giant action sequence than just showing a couple very quick clips of blood and shields flying around. Didn't he see any of the latter LORD OF THE RINGS movies??? Those action scenes are large in scale, but also packed with suspense and excitement at the SAME TIME!!! The only part that seemed mildly original were the 'fire balls' - you'll see them, get excited thinking the movie has taken a change for the better, and then be disappointed and bored (while holding your ears so you can't hear that bitch who is actually STILL WHINING!!!)
The acting . . . . what can I say . . . . DISSAPOINTING!!!!! This is Brad Pitt and Orlando 'Legolas' Bloom, I mean, come on!!! I thought it was just a fluke, and then I started keeping track, but EVERY TIME Orlando Bloom spoke a line, there was non-stop laughter in the audience. This is not cool for a movie that doesn't have a single joke in it at all. His facial expressions, his acting; awful, just awful. And then, to top it off, he picks up a bow and arrow towards the end. Legolas would kick him in the balls for dishonoring his character like that.
Brad Pitt wasn't bad, but he sure wasn't good, and that is disappointing. Practically every time I see Brad Pitt in a movie, he blows me away. Interview with a Vampire, Fight Club, Seven, Snatch, Twelve Monkeys . . . the list goes on and on. But this was just, boring. There are times when I felt like I could be excited for him to 'take it to the next level' ie. HECTOR!!!!!!!!!! As well as his fighting. But it just never worked out.
ALL IN ALL:
The trailers make this movie look incredible. The cast make you believe it's going to kick the shit out of Gladiator and blow you away. But in the end, you're left under whelmed, realizing that the two movies that started off the summer movie season of 2004 were just plain mediocre. With Van Helsing just 'fun/entertaining' and TROY mediocre at best, it sounds like it'll be SHREK 2 that'll really start this summer off the way it should be, with a solid non-disputably kick-ass movie.
till next time
-Ryan from NU
