Moriarty reviews eXistenZ script

Just leave it to ol Moriarty, I casually wonder outloud yesterday about the possibility of getting a review of Cronenberg's latest opus and lo and behold the evil genius comes through! This should have you drooling a lot...

Hey, Head Geek...

"Moriarty" here.

Last night I was working on a brand-new braincontrol helmet that closely resembles a pair of Walkman headphones when my hunchbacked assistant burst into the lab, sobbing hysterically. Normally it takes direct electro-genital torture to elicit this sort of reaction from him, so I was understandably interested in what could have made him freak out.

He dragged me into the other room where we have the computer set up and gestured frantically at the screen, stammering, "I broke it" over and over again, words that are guaranteed to strike fear in my heart and get him struck. As I raised my hand for a vicious bitchslap, I hesitated. The monitor seemed to be working, and there was something interesting onscreen. Unfamiliar but interesting.

I finally recognized it as your new page. I'm not sure what I think yet, but I commend you on not playing it safe. Way to piss off the sheeple, Harry! Change the familiar! Challenge them!

One of the first stories I read on your new page was the info on David Cronenberg's eXistenZ, and I thought I'd go ahead and satisfy your request for a screenplay review, having had the opportunity to read it a month or so ago.

Allow me first to say -- wow. Cronenberg is one of my favorite cult filmmakers. I'm a big fan of the early films -- THE BROOD, SCANNERS, RABID -- great creepy stuff. VIDEODROME is one of my favorite films of the '80s, and features the kind of James Woods performance that I was so happy to see again in VAMPIRES. When he made his leap to the mainstream with THE FLY, I followed willingly. DEAD RINGERS -- brilliant. NAKED LUNCH well, no one's perfect.

About a year ago, I was at a birthday party for Bob Burns, prop collector god, and I was talking to Chris Walas about eXistenZ. At that time, they weren't sure if the film was going to go ahead or not, and Walas was bummed. "This is the best script David's ever written," he said. "I really want to make this picture." Thank God he got his wish because he's right. David's back, and he's better than ever.

Jennifer Jason Leigh is set to play Allegra Geller, who is introduced to us in the opening scene as the ultimate game designer. Evidently games have gotten more advanced than what we have now, with virtual reality technology finally making it possible to slip into alternate worlds. The designers of these worlds are practically worshipped by game fans, and each new game release is almost a religious event.

As the film opens, a group of fans have been gathered in, fittingly enough, a small country church for the first beta test of eXistenZ, which isn't just a game -- it's a whole game technology. It's the next step beyond virtual reality. Knowing that Allegra Gellar is behind the system has anticipation running wild.

Ted Pikul, set to be played by soon-to-be-white-hot Jude Law, is a marketing guy who has been asked to work security for this one event, mainly so he can watch the fan reactions. It seems easy enough until an assassin breaks in and tries to kill Allegra. Pikul is the only one who responds, letting instinct push him to act. He and Allegra end up on the run, eventually having to play eXistenZ to figure out the conspiracy behind the attempt on her life.

To tell anyone any more about the plot or the specific details of the worlds that Cronenberg has created would be criminal. Suffice it to say that this film will severely fuck with the audience. Levels upon levels upon levels of reality are peeled back like onions, and each time you think you've got a grip on the picture, you don't. In a manner that is totally fitting with the subject of the film, this script is a game. The only thing that Cronenberg has forgotten to include is the rules. You're simply immersed in it and forced to figure it out on the fly. As far as the bone gun that shoots human teeth that your initial spy mentioned, put it out of your mind. You don't want stuff like that spoiled for you early. This movie and FIGHT CLUB both promise to be brilliant, staggering movies that depend in large part upon the element of surprise. The next time someone tries to spoil either of them for you, punch them in the face as hard as you can. It's okay. In this case, it's entirely justifiable.

Both Leigh and Law have great roles in eXistenZ that could do wonders for their careers. God bless Dimension for picking up the American distribution rights on the film. This may well be marketed as a "hip" genre film, in keeping with the current trend of selling every genre-related film just like SCREAM, but don't believe it. This should be a unique ride that will reward demanding viewers with some of the most startling and unique imagery of the year.

Of course, that's next year, and the Prequel is coming out next year, so maybe Cronenberg's going to get his fucking hat handed to him at the box office. Then again, Bob and Harvey may wise up and move it the hell out of May. If so, they might be able to nurture this into a special kind of hit.

Speaking of hits, my assistant is yelling, "Broke it! Broke it!" again, which means that I probably have to go beat him silly. Sillier, I should say. If you have any more questions about the film, let me know. I have a lot of friends that have direct access to David, and I'd be happy to dig if you have specific wants. On that note, I have to say...

"Moriarty" out.