Hi, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab...
I want to see both of these. Immediately. Curse the crusty seaman...
Ahoy, squirts. Quint here from the New York New York Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas. I have some down time between the craps and blackjack mania that seems to be clouding my mind, so I decided to catch up on some of my American Film Market coverage. Last time you heard from me I was raving about two great horror flicks: SAW and Takashi Miike's ONE MISSED CALL.
This time around I have the good word on horror royalty's Tobe Hooper's new flick, TOOLBOX MURDERS and the weird freak-out French comic book/western flick, BLUEBERRY. Let's start with TOOLBOX.
I have a deep rooted respect for Tobe Hooper that I've kept through a series of fairly horrible films like CROCODILE and SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION. I guess I'm the kind of movie geek who finds it hard to abandon a filmmaker over a few lousy films. Hooper did give us the one, true CHAINSAW MASSACRE, the naked and too cool LIFEFORCE, the unfaithful, but still cool TV adaptation of Stephen King's SALEM'S LOT and despite what some ignorant jackasses might say, Tobe DID direct POLTERGEIST, one of the best ghost flicks put to film.
I do the same thing with John Carpenter. GHOSTS OF MARS is terrible, but for every terrible flick Carpenter put out, I can name you FIVE amazing films he's made. In other words, it takes a lot for me to give up on a filmmaker that I like. That's why I went into TOOLBOX MURDERS with a positive attitude, having heard positive early word.
The film is indeed a huge step back towards the light for Hooper. It's not perfect or even a GREAT horror flick, but it is a GOOD horror flick, far above mediocrity. I give lots of credit for that to Angela Bettis (MAY), the star of the film. She's one of the best young actresses out there and she's perfect for the leading role in a flick like this. She's not a supermodel, she's not a Playboy Bunny, but she does have that natural cuteness. She's real. It's much easier to relate to her.
What keeps the film from achieving greatness is mainly the pacing and lack of inventive kills. The opening act of the film goes strictly by the numbers. There is no real tension or suspense... The killings are drab and obvious. Nothing really pushes the envelope or is done inventively enough to really take it to the next level... that is until the "Nail-Gun" killing about halfway through the film. Before that you're just getting to know the characters and the history of the creepy apartment building. It's not boring, just not very riveting.
From the 'Nail-Gun" scene on, the movie rockets to the end, actually hooking your interest. There are some things I didn't like too much in the climax of the flick... the same old horror clichés pop up that makes me want to scream... let's drop the weapon after beating the supernatural killer. Let's do that some more, why not? You know? BUT, that still didn't hinder my enjoyment of Bettis's character unlocking the secret of the building and the cat and mouse chase at the end.
TOOLBOX MURDERS isn't the best of its type, but thank God it's far and away better than CROCODILE! Now, make the next one kick-ass Tobe!
BLUEBERRY
This fucking movie, man. I heard very little about this flick before I saw it. I kinda new it was a western with lots of weirdo sci-fi elements, but that was about all. It's based on some French comic book, so I can only imagine what the hell kind of images were messed with to make this load of crap.
The flick had loads of talent... Vincent Cassel, who ruled the earth as the uber-villain in BROTHERHOOD OF THE WOLF, as a vengeance-seeking old west sheriff with a background of Indian magic versus Michael Madsen who is... well, Michael Madsen. Badass motherfucker incarnate. Add into the equation Ernest Borgnine, Jango Fett, Djimon Hounsou and Eddie Izzard. How could the film go wrong? I mean, really? Sure, Juliette Lewis is in it as well, but in a good movie her being annoying can be decreased to the point of nonexistence.
I was surprised when I found out director Jan Kounen has been making films for 15 years. I was sure, without any doubt whatsoever that whoever directed this mess of a film was straight out of film school and didn't quite understand the art of telling a story. The movie literally has no dramatic tension. It just goes from point A to point B to point C. No time is spent emphasizing anything. It felt really amateurish.
Now, before I go any further, I must reprint an email I got from a friend of mine. Rav is a semi-regular here at AICN and he's... well, one of a kind. God's own prototype, if you will. He saw BLUEBERRY via, shall we say nefarious means and this late night email he sent to me perfectly sums up the film. The below is filled with spoilers, but I guarantee it'll be one of the funniest things you'll read today. Enjoy!
seriously fuck man what was going on with that fucking movie there was like 20 fucking straight fucking minutes of motherfucking abstract snake-spider wannabe salvador fucking dali fucking CRAPPY fucking CGI scenes in the fucking end of that fucking movie. God fucking damn Jan Kounen. That was supposed to be a good movie :( Rav sad. although I disagree that looked like Juliette Lewis real titties. Obviously the cgi artists involved with this movie could not render anything without a snake-headed-spider-leg attached to it, so those must be her real fucking tits. The pea-brains couldn't do it im sure....How could a movie with a scalped Djimon Hounsou and crazy shotgun toting handicapped ernest borgnine be crappy...Fuck and the dialogue is supposed to be bad? what the fucking fuckass? thats crazy man, crazy.
Dude was there any character resolution to that movie at all? all I can recall was 20 minutes of rad fast moving snake spiders, then the oracle spoke to Neo, Trinity Died, Macroni Pictures, then BOOM! IT'S JULIETTE LEWIS'S VAGINA...HOORAY MOVIEGOERS GO HOME VAGINAPPY
Crazy...fucking Crazy man
Pretty brilliant... That's BLUEBERRY in a nutshell. Lots of CGI weirdness, no film value whatsoever. But you do get to see Juliette Lewis's snatch (not bush, but full on lips) if that's up your alley.
To give the film a little credit, it does succeed in one area and one area only. They capture some amazing Western imagry in the first half of the film. The only time I felt the film showed any promise was when we see Mike Blueberry sheriffing around town. It felt like a classic western, but then all that ended up doing was making you miss it when it was gone.
The acting is all middle of the road (with the possible exception of Djimon Hounsou, who was the epitome of badass in every one of his 4 minutes on screen). They had good people, but they just didn't have anything to work with. And the end... what a damn anti-climactic experience. Take the "trip" scene from Kubrick's 2001, double the time and add in CG translucent caterpillars and then some more Indian magic bullshit and you're done.
I'd avoid this one if it comes your way.
That's it from me, squirts. I'll be back soon with the good (or bad) word on some more AFM flicks, including Dario Argento's newest THE CARD PLAYER and another oddity from Takashi Miike's world... ZEBRAMAN! 'Til that day, this is Quint bidding you all a fond farewell and adieu.
-Quint
