Harry's State of Conscious OSCAR Coverage 2004!!! ROTK SWEEPS IT ALL!!!
Published at: Feb. 29, 2004, 6:35 p.m. CST by staff
Hey folks, Harry here... Like in years past, I'm once again going to be writing m state of conscious moment-by-moment thoughts as I watch the Oscars. Once again, I'm here in my living room - watching my widescreen television with Father Geek, Sister Satan and KublaKhan. Every year we print out the Oscar Ballot over at Oscar.Com and my sister, father and I fill it out, and whoever wins, gets possession over the "OSCAR trophy" that we have. (In reality this is an Oscar the Grouch in his trashcan statue.) Well this year, KublaKhan had to take part, and I have to say... for a 3 and a half year old he did damn good... I think. We all believe he's going to win! If for no other reason than to embarrass us for always. For Good Luck, he's wearing an Oscar the Grouch costume! Ok, I'll be back at the beginning of the Barbara WaWa Special... Till then, I'm watching the ludicrously lame E! coverage and making fun of that Hilton Girl's make up!
Actually, I do mean "State of Conscious" - because there's always a chance that the Oscars could put me to sleep. OK - Barbara is here with a pair of diamond studded tic-tac-toe boards hanging from here ears... And I can't wait for the hard hitting soulful interview with Shrek! My nephew got very interested when he saw that. And the revelation that no man has asked Diane Keaton to marry them is just proof positive of the utter stupidity of mankind.
Ah, Matt LeBanc - this is an interviewee that I can't imagine EVER winning an Oscar. God - this is so painful, wait - go back to the Rock'em Sock'em Robots! I wanna see WaWas and Matt Rock'em Sock'em! C'mon cry, cry about your life LeBanc, weep for us, pour your soul into the vast ocean of tears in the WaWa's Sea! A salty body of water with no life! Diane Keaton! Yes, this is the best... oh my! Commercials with Diane... TOO COOL! Ah, ANNIE HALL - this is a great movie! Ladeedah Ladeedah! An Abortion Michael!~ Great! These two interviews are not very good, there's nothing particularly interesting so far, except for that revelation that she's never been asked to marry her, which shows. "Tell me about why you hate yourself!" God, what an annoying question! Ok, so will Babs ask Billy how it feels to host a show that'll never present him with an Oscar? Well, you've had sadness in your life recently Ya know, do you think Babs has whips and battery cables in her bed room... uh oh, he's almost crying... he's tearing up... The wicked witch is back, she has her eyedropper to suck up the moisture! Next she turns her evil torture ways to Shrek... Do you think they paid for this? Heh, that lil' mermaid clip was good, wow, this is sooo annoyingly commercial. Bibitty is a witch term! He was calling her a WITCH! Oh good, it is OVER!
Ok, coming up on 7pm, and... OSCAR TIME!!!! Ok, here we go... Keisha is a blast - I love that Whale barette! Ah, Joe Roth's show... I must be completely complimentary... yes, I must be on my best behavior... no cussing, total kissassy, yup... OH! Tim and Susan... Come on be Political! SCARLETT - OH my god she looks fantastic, that wind swept hair, I love that dress! C'mon Will, be bitter about being cheated out of your Oscar.. Seize the camera and demand a recount, blame the account firm of fixing it with Vegas Sharks! Naomi looks so good, can't wait to see that Ape's big paw clutching her as she screams and screams and squirms and sweats and screams! Heh, I like Owen pointing out that the less talented Ben Stiller has never been. Canned red carpet banter... interesting... Catherine's red dress was GREAT! The SKY CAPTAIN!!! He is like sooo dreamy! The answer is HARVEY WEINSTEIN! BILL! I'm split, I would love to see Bill win, but I'm pulling for Johnny too. Bill is wearing boxers! Drew is so excited to know that. Ah, triple nominee Sophia! She'll win Original Screenplay, that's my bet! "This is a horse of a different color," Johnny rules. He should have oscars for Ed Wood and Hunter! Angelina, nice cleavage and NIPPLES! NIPPLES! What does that tattoo mean, she's Captain Franky! BENICIO! That guy leaning over Alec is such a boob, and Lady Kingsley, Score for Gandhi! Tom's white tie is so annoying! I bet that guy's excited. Man, what a seat... a sandwich between Renee and Nicole... my god, that'd be so awesome. ELIJAH, PETER!!! TEAR IT OFF! TEAR IT OFF! Peter has the best line of the night! How annoying must it be to be at the oscars and have that guy bugging you? YES! Keisha gets to meet Johnny Depp, the envy of every 13 year old girl in the world!
Now for the real show! 76th Annual Academy Awards - god that's a nice theater! Yes, Sean Connery! Ian! Here we go, the first montage... There's Billy - he's the guy that's copying all the movies... The RING! Naked Billy Crystal... hahaha, Oh hell, this is funny! Hehehehe, The Evil Wizards, the Weinsteins! God, this is really funny, and how many naked Billy Crystal jokes are there? Blind in One Eye Sammy Davis joke... Legolas Crystall... hehehehehe... Shame on you Hobbits, smashed Michael Moore, hehehehe, oh wow, Minas Tirith next to the Hollywood Sign is great! Nicholson as Gandalf would not have worked!
Now that Billy has hit the stage, now for the song... 53 languages, simulcast in Aramaic - Opened on Ash Wednesday, had a good Friday... hehehehe, 13 years ago, Bush was in office, the economy was in the crapper and we'd just finished a war in Iraq. Old Man River doing Mystic River is great... what a show boat, Crystal is! That's fantastic! Lost in Translation 27 days, took Francis that long to wake up Brando... Maria, SOPHIA! hehehe, to hell with Charlie Angel's too... stomping grapes and the winery.... heheheh... Favorite things, god, this is great - god I love this. Goldfinger - SEABISCUIT, he's a horse... or else he's glue! He'd make a niiiiice brisket! Come fly with me... hehehe, god whoever writes these are great... Great opening song! Crystal rules!
First Presenter - Catherine Zeta Jones - yummy - Best Supporting Actor - but man, Michael Douglas is so good, Ra's Al Ghul... awesome... he'd be cool to win... and the winner is... TIM ROBBINS - puuuuuuuuuuuke...
Tim Robbins acceptance speech comments -- Thanks the academy, wrong role... ahem... Clint smiles! wearing a peace pin... no politics, thanking people, being really classy. Very cool... his victim advocacy speech was very well done.
Let me come and go - it's kinda like the Texas National Guard... ahem... here comes Ian McKellen! Awesome. Presenting the Lord of the Rings as a Best Picture Nominee.. The clip is - You Bow To Noone... oh man, a total spoiler! Oh man! They ruined it for me!
Angelina Jolie looking great walking to WILD THING... BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN! Girl with a pearl earring, nice, LAST SAMURAI - outstanding, RETURN OF THE KING, great great work, MASTER AND COMMANDER - wonderful work, SEA BISCUIT - perfectly captured era... and the winner is... GRANT MAJOR - RETURN OF THE KING...
ALAN LEE, GRANT MAJOR and acceptance speech, it is so cool to see Alan Lee holding an oscar -- eeeeee, so happy, yes yes yes, Alan Lee thanking Peter was great! Hehehehe...
Billy Crystal and Robin Williams... that dubbing sequence... a SAN FRANCISCO WEDDING CAKE!!! hahahaha... Best Animated Feature BROTHER BEAR - eh... if it were to win, burn the place down! FINDING NEMO - absolutely fantastic film! TRIPLETTES OF BELLEVILLE - go go go go go go, masterpiece! AND the winner is... FINDING NEMO! Oh well, that's great, though I was kinda hoping that somehow Belleville would win, but FINDING NEMO is utterly fantastic! Andrew's Turtle Voice rules forever!! Wrote it on a note in 8th grade and now I can say it in front of a billion people... I LOVE YOU. Great!
Renee Zellwegger is coming out - Nominees in COSTUME DESIGN! Girl w - nice... Last Samurai - outstanding work. Return of the king - great work... Master & Commander - good work. Seabiscuit - good work. The winner is... RETURN OF THE KING! Yes - Ngila''s first win, that's two winners so far of ROTK... Fran and Phillippa smiling big big time! Richard makes Elijah smile real big... hehehehe, He bought two live rats for tania at 13... heheheheh, great!
Billy - Hobbit Costumes at HOUSE OF DEVITO... His best films gag pretty lame...
Nick Cage is presenting MASTER & COMMANDER as a Best Picture Nominee!
Chris Cooper comes out to present BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Renee - Oh she's crying and fidgetty -- Look how wonderfully curvy she looks... outstanding! Looking great. And she's doing such a rush job, which is because they aren't given enough time... Thanking Tom - very cool.
Tom Hanks oh man, he was the best... I'd love to have all his episodes of Academy Awards that he hosted. Manhole cover over my star... heheheh... Annual exercise in masochism... A show without me... I guess they are reassuring to an actor that doesn't know how great he really is. I don't have writers for this kind of work. Nicely done tribute... really well done!
Starsky and Hutch come out to give out LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM -- do gag about non self promotion, and TWO SOLDIERS wins!! Lots of people to thank. That Marc Shaiman... Let the other guy talk! Oh man, I'd be furious...
Starsky and Owen are back for best animated short.... GO DESTINO!!! Go DESTINO... Let Roy Disney on stage!!!! Go Destino!!! and the winner is.... HARVE KRUMPET - because they won't honor Dali or give Roy the mike. Ok, no doubt it is a great short! Nice -- Uncle Geoffrey Rush... aha! Thanked his beautiful boyfriend Dan! Good on you!
Liv Tyler... yummy, oh man... oh man, she looks delicious with those glasses and that hairdo.... presenting YOU WILL BE MY ONE TRUE LOVE from Cold Mountain... Alison Kraus and Sting on stage... what the hell sort of instrument is that, that thing is retro scifi cool... that's a crank... what the hell is that, great song, what is that thing? Ok, someone in talk back smarter than me, what is that.... still rooting for that Triplets of Belleville song! Liv is back with Alison Kraus with Elvis Costello and T-bone Burnette -- SCARLETT TIDE... nice set! Very nice! that eclipsed sun behind her is great... very elegant. Back to Liv - presenting INTO THE WEST - with Annie Lenox.... If this wins, that means that Fran gets her own Oscar which the Academy won't give her for screenplay which she deserves with Phil and Peter. Oh man, I love Annie, she rules, that set is looking good... What if she broke into Missionary Man all of a sudden, ripped off her dress to reveal black latex and started humping the sky! Yes, that's all I ask!
So far, Dad and I are 5 out of 7, Sis is 4 out of 7 and nephew is 1 out of Seven -- he got ANIMATED FEATURE RIGHT!
Billy talking to Oscar, what are Stars thinking - Pussy Galore, I just got it. Kinda fun... personally this sequence should've been cut.
Will Smith and Jada... BEST VISUAL EFFECTS -- in the bag for ROTK.... Nice work in Master and Commander, flawless... Pirates of the Caribbean, my nephew is counting on zombies with swords.... and the winner is... RETURN OF THE KING!!! Ruining my nephew's hopes. hehhehee, GOOD. Randy wins the 3rd one! Randy rules. Brilliant Kiwi Effects Team!
Jennifer pant pant Garner did the Technical Oscars... Protools win, motion control hardware win...
Jim Carrey comes out nearly bald doing THE PARTY jokes... paying tribute to BLAKE EDWARDS -- loves A SHOT IN THE DARK, doing Kato... heheheh... Awkward transition... The Parallel bars, yes, my speciality... hahahhahaa, hahahaha, well, that felt good. We must find that woman. That's a priceless steinway, not anymore! hehehehehe.... Yes, Birdie Num Num!!! Does that include tv, BREAKFAST... awesome... DA OF WINE AND ROSES... Lemmon was a god, "10" wow - what would my life be like without that. Victor Victoria... I love that Blake Edwards is getting an award... De BOMBBBB.... Nice Clips... now for Blake Edwards... "Don't Touch my Oscar!" hahahahahaha.... Don't touch my oscar... hhahahahah, CLASSIC! Blake rules! that dusty tux... this is classic "That felt good... uh, I've been meant a minute and a half or 90 seconds, my choice to think everyone that made it possible to get this honor!" "First person that came to mind." This little guy that shoveled up elephant poop while singing THERE'S NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOWBUSINESS.. Wow, this is great! Everyone to the little guy with the shovel, to the voters of the Academy... oh man, tears with the Cohan adaptation... wow, this was great!
Bill Murray - 4 days into shooting certain members of the Tokyo Crew asked to leave thinking our director didn't know what she was doing. heheheh... Bill's so great, he's presenting LOST IN TRANSLATION as a best picture nominee.
Now for Scarlett... yummy... presenting BEST MAKE UP don't understand... Pirates of the Caribbean - ok... the winner is... RETURN OF THE KING for Richard Taylor - his 4th Oscar! hehehehe, Look at those Mutton Chops! AWESOME! Richard has the greatest voice ever, love hearing him say "10,000" hehehe...
Sandra Bullock and John Travolta - Best SOUND MIXING go Lord of the Rings... though I wish that KILL BILL VOL 1 had been nominated for sound. And the winner is for RETURN OF THE KING! Stand Up NEW ZEALAND!
Sandy and Danny are back... with SOUND EDITING -- Master and Commander - good work, FINDING NEMO - should win, Pirates - good work. And the winner is MASTER AND COMMANDER nicely done. The sound of the splinters shooting around after a cannon ball hit was great. Nice acceptance... Well done.
There is nobody left in New Zealand to thank!
Julia Roberts looking fantastic - doing a tribute to Katherine Hepburn. THat story about the skirt at WaWas funeral is a Classic... oh no, montage, I'm gonna cry, I know it... god she looks beautiful... wonder what cate blanchett is thinking right now, since she plays her in THE AVIATOR... Bringing up baby... classic, god I love everything with her and Spencer Tracy. Oh... AFRICAN QUEEN rules. Sunddenly Last Summer, that shot is amazing as she reaches down next to Liz Taylor... oooooh, LION IN WINTER!!! I could peal you like a pear and god would call it justice. THAT IS A LINE! ON GOLDEN POND - that's on my desk right now! Oh man, she was sooooo beautiful, look at those cheekbones.... Oh man, they didn't do the "I never thought that any mere physical experience could be so exhilarating!" That's my fave moment of hers!
Oprah Winfrey -- "I love a great movie" is presenting MYSTIC RIVER... is that irony? Why is she introducing this? I don't get it. Oh - the great overacting moment of the film... god I wish Penn was nominated for 21 GRAMS.
Diane Lane looking yummy as hell with John Cusack who ain't chopped liver... DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECTS - and the winner is... CHERNOBYL HEART! Yes, I guessed right and so did my nephew! I bet this film is so incredibly disturbing, oh man, she's doing such a great job, but this is so serious and real that it makes the rest of the evening seem plastic.
Naomi Watts (Future bride of Kong) and Alec Baldwin presenting Best Documentary Feature... Didn't see Balseros.... Friedmans is great... still waiting on Fog of War to get here, Archetect - really good. The Weather Underground... the winner is... FOG OF WAR for Errol Morris "This thing is heavy" "I'd like to thank the academy for FINALLY recognizing my films, I never thought it would happen!" I've been tortured by Errol during the taping of an Apple ad. McNamara -- Fears we're going down a rabbit hole again! Now that's the classy way to voice protest!!!
I can't wait for his tax audit. hhahahaha.... Scary times...
The president talking about Atticus Finch... a great character, talking about Gregory Peck - He was amazing. Oh no, a montage for Gregory Peck.... To Kill A Mockingbird, a truly great scene... that is no ideal to me, a living working reality! ... Oh, Dildano, Hope Lange, George Axelrod, CHARLES BRONSON, Michael Jeter, David Newman, Ron "SUPERFLY"" O'Neal, Art Carney, Elia Kazan, Leni Riefenstahl, Karen Morley, BUDDY EBSEN, John Schlesinger, Stan Brakhage, Ray Stark, Andrew J Kuehn, John Ritter, HUME CRONYN, Buddy Hackett, Michael Kamen, John Gregory Dunne, ROBERT STACK, Alan Bates, Gregory Hines, JALCK ELAM, Jeanne Crain, ANN MILLER what a doll, DONALD O'CONNOR... Ouch... I love and hate these things....
Sting and Phil Collins to do best original score - Big Fish - ok work, Cold mountain... FINDING NEMO --- HOUSE OF SAND AND FOG, good work, RETURN OF THE KING and Howard Shore epic great work... and it goes to RETURN OF THE KING and HOWARD SHORE!!!! Now he should've won last year too!!!! Annie is sooooo happy! hehehe... YEAH!!!
Pierce Brosnan and Julianne Moore for BEST EDITING - City Of God please win, Cold Mt, Return of the King, Boat movie, horse movie... and the winner is... RETURN OF THE KING wins... the editor of BAD TASTE wins!!!! MEET THE FEEBLES!!! YES!!! Very Cool! 6 years editing this thing... oh man! ROTK is racking em up!!!
You know people are moving to New Zealand just to be thanked!
Jamie Lee Curtis looking nice comes out to introduce the song for A MIGHTY WIND! Please welcome... MITCH & MICKEY!!!! yes... he's in character... on drums.... hahahaha... "A KISS AT THE END OF THE RAINBOW" please kiss at the end, please kiss.. oh man, this is great, please kisss at the end ... come on, the idea that this is really on stage right now is so surreal and in character, this is great... God, I can't believe... yes... AWESOME!!!!! AWESOME!!!!!!! It's love LOVE RULES ALL!!!! I'm so happy!!!
Jamie for TRIPLETS OF BELLEVILLE -- Oh man, oh... I love this song... Oh man, the backup singers rule... the vacuum and bicycle!!! oh man, I love this... This is great!!!
Quint just called from THEONERING.NET party, where everyone is going crazy
Will Ferrell and Jack Black presenting the award for BEST SONG... There is no better weapon that a strategically placed song... the sign off song is fantastic... I want a copy of this on my ITUNES!!! ABSOLUTELY CLASSIC!!!! And the nominees are BELLEVILLE win win win win... INTO THE WEST win win win win... oh wait, I'm conflicted... A KISS AT THE END OF THE RAINBOW win win win... eeek, another... Scarlett Tide - bleh.... You Will Be My Own True Love... SSSSTING... Oh man, INTO THE WEST won!!! Annie looks great.. OH MAN - They're Cutting FRAN - YES SHE GOT HER SAY!!! YES!!!!
Charlize Theron coming out looking like the goddess that she is... Oh man for BEST FOREIGN FILM. THE Barbarian Invasions, EVIL, TWILIGHT SAMURAI which I would die if it won, TWIN SISTERS, ZELARY... and the winner is... THE BARBARIAN INVASIONS! Hehehe, Thanks to Harvey...
Uma and Jude - well there's a beautiful couple! BEST CINEMATOGRAPHER CItY of God - John Seale, Firl, Master, and Sea biscuit... go CITY OF GOD, the winner is... MASTER AND COMMANDER! Nice Work, but I'd have loved to of seen it go to Andrew Lesnie or Richardson, but they weren't even nominated.
I've got 14, father geek has 13, sis has 12 and nephew has 3! I'm kicking that lil fart's ass! Hahahhahahaahaha...
Sofia and Francis coming out to present "Sofia, I always wanted you to be a part of the family business" BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY -- go American SPLENDOR!!! Go CITY OF GOD!!! Go RETURN OF THE KING!!! Dont win MYSTIC! Go Seabiscuit! Ouch, this is tough... and the winner is... FRAN, PHILLIPA and PETER!!! holy shit I never dreamt it would win, oh my god oh my god... YES!!!!!!!!! PHIL!!!!!! Oh man, I'm so happy about Phil up there!!! oh my god
Toby is doing SEABISCUIT...
Susan Sarandon and Tim come out on ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY and the winner was of course going to be Sofia Copolla ... YUP! I knew it, oh wow, Godard and Wong Kar Wai are thanked! SHE RULES!!!!
Tom Cruise walking on stage looking like he's really tall! He's presenting for BEST DIRECTOR -- City Of God - RETURN OF THE KING - Lost in Translation - Master and Commander - Mystic River, and the winner is PETER JACKSON - instant tears and a kiss from Liv Tyler... he's the man! Oh man... YES!!!!!! What a fucking great year... I stopped typing during that because I was just so happy that he won at last. To me it's such a great note.
Adrien Brody - don't worry the have me under a restraining order... for BEST ACTRESS -- Keisha would cause me to be very happy... Diane Keaton - what a wonderful actress! Samantha Morton was great in IN AMERICA. Great line up of actresses... Charlize Theron was amazing in MONSTER and so deserves to win! And Naomi Watts was absolutely great in 21 GRAMS... and the spritzer and the winner goes to: CHARLIZE THERON come on up here!! Aeon Flux wins! Charlize rules! Why wasn't Tony G nominated for Make Up? The most amazing personal transformation of the year. Wow that's emotional!
Nicole Kidman comes out looking priceless to do BEST ACTOR -- Johnny Depp, the most memorable character in a commercial film this year.... Ben Kingsley - amazing performance! SKY CAPTAIN in COLD MOUNTAIN! He was pretty cool in that flick. Bill Murray with his best performance - Sean Penn for the wrong film... And the winner is SEAN PENN - who deserves this award for 21 GRAMS! Ok, let's see what he says... If there's one thing actors know, other than there were no WMDs... hehhee... Thank Spicoli! Robin looks fine tonight! Nice little speech.
Steven Spielberg with the Raiders theme - by the way last friday he hung out for 40 minutes with the Raiders Redux kids... and here's BEST PICTURE: RETURN OF THE KING.... LOST IN TRANSLATION... MASTER AND COMMANDER... MYSTIC RIVER and SEABISCUIT and if ROTK doesn't win, it'll be the biggest shock ever... the winner is RETURN OF THE KING!!!
Everyone is getting up there! 11 tied with the most in history with BEN HUR and TITANIC!!! This is for Jeffrey Wells - See officially - it's one of the greatest films of all time, no matter how stubborn you may be.
Boy the One Ring party is gonna be the greatest party ever... fucking QUINT!!!!! YOU LUCKY SCHMUCK!!!!!!