Hey folks, Harry here... I saw this last night as well, but just can't work up the energy to review the thing. Instead, I'll write a bit before Pyul's review. I've always had a theory about the Don Simpson/Jerry Bruckheimer film universe... that essentially all their films take place in a universe dreamt of by a coke head. Everything has a rush and a sheen to it. The girls are all models. The guys are all macho in that bang bang kinda way. And it's expensive. WELL... Neil Moritz produced films seem to exist within the universe dreamt of by a crystal meth-head. And TORQUE is a deadly overdose. Here's Pyul with the details...
Hey Harry,
Torque. The name alone conjures images of speed, power and total suckage. For the trailer alone this film deserves it's own special place in movie hell. But there's an upside to this. Torque is Epic, positively epic and when I say epic I mean epic in the way of such film greats as Kill and Kill Again, Madman Mars and Night Warning. Epic in the way that this is so bad that it will one day fall into total obscurity, becoming completely unknown to future generations and then one day find it's way onto the screens of the Alamo Drafthouse as a 50 year old Tim League grins from ear to ear at the audiences reaction to the sheer ridiculousness of it all.
This is a film with so little going for it that the few gems to be found among the coal of it’s bulk feel so painfully out of place that it boggles the mind. But there are islands, beautifully comfortable islands, upon which a movie lover can sun themselves for a few fleeting moments before the storm clouds of mediocrity roll in and the overwhelming storm of such terrible power rains upon the glowing shores.
Torque is an 81 minute crotch rocket, kid rock music video, beer commercial remake of “The Warriors” that chooses to throw such wacky notions as the basic laws of physics right out the window in an unending search for glorious special effects. Now normally I’d be all for such mindless entertainment. Producer Neil H. Moritz (The producer in question who’s ties to The Fast and the Furious, XXX and SWAT emblazon the trailer and the poster for Torque) has proven to be the Chef Boyardee of modern film producers, churning out mindless, often fun, easily digestible cinematic meals for those without too picky a palate. Myself, I like to shake things up; sometimes I want Filet Mignon, sometimes I want mini ravioli in meat sauce. Torque, however, goes way too over the top even for the Spaghetti O’s crowd.
Essentially, Martin Henderson (who seems to be the love child of Owen Wilson and Breckin Meyer and was last seen as the love interest in The Ring) is Cary Ford, a motorcyclist on the lamb who gets framed not only for drug running, but for the murder of a rival gang leader’s (Ice Cube) brother. Now everyone’s after him: The gang who pinned it on him (The Hellions or Rogue’s in Warriors Terminology), Ice Cube’s Gang (The Reapers or Gramercy Riff’s) and the PoPo (or Police for the Hip Hop illiterate). The movie opens with 20 minutes of some beer commercial, presumably for Budweiser, complete with women hosing one another down in bikinis, beers being poured, friends sharing a good time around motorcycles, fast cars and Kid Rock Music. All at the same time. Then someone realizes that this movie needs a plot and thus begins what can be generously be called an exposition. Now Martin Henderson is on the run with his girlfriend and two best buddies in tow.
That’s when it starts to get good. There’s some genuine tension, and scenes of interesting gunplay, followed by some nifty motorcycle chases. And then they have to jump on a train for one of the most ludicrous chase scenes in recent memory. And this is exactly how the movie continues to play out. There are some fun scenes immediately followed by CG sequences that down bend or break the very laws of physics, but misrepresent them in such ways that Charlie’s Angels would scratch their heads and wonder just how the fuck they did it. But the problem with these sequences is that they aren’t interesting, they’re terribly confusing as the effects are so blurred to show the “Amazing Speed” that you can’t really see what’s going on, and once they begin you cease to care how they end.
But, as I said, there are islands. So let me quickly cover the good and the bad.
The Good.
-Every scene between Ice Cube and Faizon Love. Both of these guys know how to deliver dialog and make it funny, no matter how badly written it is. Both of them earn their paychecks for these scenes alone.
-The make-up on Jaime Pressly is so good that you can’t believe for a second that it’s her, even when you know it is. She gives off this amazing level of cool, quiet menace as the heavies girlfriend and is unbelievably riveting UNTIL she opens her mouth at the end. Then it all goes away.
-Someone along the line decided to throw in a nod to the second greatest motorcycle movie of all time, Roadside Prophets, by tossing in John Doe as a nearly inept cop. Roadside Prophets is a deep fried favorite of mine, essentially being a filmed version of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Repair without actually being one. Complete with Protagonist Doe, Beastie Boy Adam Horovitz, Arlo Guthrie, David Carradine, Timothy Leary, Flea, Don Cheadle and John Cusack this is one of the coolest, weird movies out there this side of Lynch.
-If you’re going to remake a film and use Motorcylces, you could do worse than remaking the Warriors. If only they’d gone full tilt with it.
-It’s only 81 Minutes. It could have been longer.
And the Bad.
-All of the ‘good guys’ are complete weenies. Now, if they were full on remaking the Warriors then this would be acceptable. The Warriors were pretty much weenies. They were okay in a fight, but come on, their turn was Coney Island. How sissy is that? Martin Henderson has this Michael Beck (Warriors, Mega Force, Xanadu, The Last Ninja) quality to him in that he has all the MAKINGS of an action hero, but none of the charm. Unless he shows a lick of talent sometime soon, he’ll be hyped up quickly on movie posters and DVD box covers and then fade away. The rest of the group isn’t even worth mentioning. They’re all pretty forgettable.
-All the blurry CG. It was bad enough in 2 fast 2 Furious (also produced by Moritz, but oddly enough not mentioned in the trailer;), here it’s intolerable. The climax is so overdone with this, you never really know entirely what happened or in what universe it actually occurred. My guess is that this all occurred in the DC universe and the Flash lent the hero his motorcycle. It’s the only logical explaination.
-Every bit of dialog NOT said by Ice Cube or Faizon Love.
-Torque brings new definitions to the term ‘Self Referential’. It’s bad enough that they make a ‘I Live my life a quarter mile at a time’ reference, but did Ice Cube actually have to say ‘Fuck the Police’?
-Gun Fu (Equilibrium) Cool. Siamese Fu (Stuck on You) Cool. Motorcycle Fu, not cool.
-Torque showcases a new bullet proof vest that apparently protects you (and your clothing) from deadly explosions, as well as continuity flaws.
-This is the worst video game I’ve ever played. It was mostly cut-scenes involving bad actors and I had no control over the movement of my motorcycle. Total washout.
-It’s 81 Minutes. It could have been shorter.
All in all, the sheer unbelievable terribleness of this film cannot fully be put into words. It has to be experienced. But don’t by any means take that as a recommendation. This film is awesome, but only in a way that lovers of truly bad cinema can grasp.
Pyul Mactackle
