Hey folks, Harry here... Pyul has been sending lots of stuff for the past year and submitted this as his list of the 15 worst films of 2003. Even though it doesn't have MASKED & ANONYMOUS on it, cuz he didn't see it, I decided to let it go. You see, his list isn't really the worst 15 films of 2003... I can tell you this with complete honesty because there are films made that never make it to theaters except at film festivals... and some of those films, and some of the films that were submitted to those festivals that didn't get in... THOSE are the worst films of the year. But it is a case of, if a tree falls in a forest and nobody is around, does it make a sound? OF COURSE IT DOES, and due to the vast amount of screeners I get from hopeful indies, and just cuz I'm nice enough to not trash their films publicly... I can tell you there are films that you can watch that leave ya baffled. Non-professional actors, horrible sound mixes, the worst lighting known to man, dialogue that sounds like a jock reading a passage in English class in 9th grade. These things are pain. Oh and btw, of al those I saw last year, MASKED & ANONYMOUS was still the worst! What Pyul has put together is the worst mainstream theatrical releases of 2003. Here ya go...

Hey Harry,  

Well, when all is said and done, 2003 turned out to be a pretty crap ass year all in all. We had a war, the economy is in the shitter and it turns out Paris Hilton is actually a pretty bad lay (I mean honestly, who answers their cell phone in the middle of giving head? Honestly.) But at least we have our saving grace, the one thing that gives us solace in dark times, the entire reason, in fact, that any of us read AICN. Film. Right?  

It’s been said that the best of the arts, specifically film, comes out of the darkest of times. A poor economy or emotional tragedy often is enough to spur artists from out behind their retail counters and their day jobs to pen brilliant works of originality to help America forget, if even for two hours, just how bad things have really gotten, ultimately changing their lives in the process.  

So as I recently began to reflect upon the films of 2003 I began to realize that sometimes, just sometimes, things don’t always come full circle. Sometimes, everything just falls apart at once. I came to this notion when I sat down to put together my Top 10 list for the pat year. I got all the way to number 3 before it started getting tough. But unlike most years, what was hard wasn’t weeding down the 20 best films into a list of just 10. Rather, I began grasping at straws. I saw some good films this year, really I did, but very little that was perfect, very little that wowed me.  

But then I began to think about all the films I reviewed this year. Now my best friend has been a local film critic for years and has allowed me to tag along on a number of occasions. It was only this year that he began to hand me passes and sent me on my way to take the bullet on films that he just “couldn’t find the time to see”. Couldn’t pull himself away from the X-box to take in a Mandy Moore film is more like it. That’s why I never review films like the Matrix: Revolutions or Bad Boys 2 or Lost in Translation. He mysteriously finds the time for those films. But Grind? No, he’d rather play Tony Hawk Underground and make crass jokes to himself then suffer that kind of torture. So the worst of the worst, that’s what I tend to write about. So it’s only fitting that I say screw the top 10 and dive right into the illuminated sewage that I willingly gave hours of my life to.  

So I began to work on my bottom 5 and, well, I quickly saw that 5 just wasn’t going to cut it. So I raised the bar to 10. I was certain that with a list of 10 I could nail all the truly terrible films that dropped my jaw over the course of the 12 long months. Nope. Not even. Wasn’t going to cut it. More films began to encroach upon the turf of other terrible films and battled for their spot on the wall of shame. And it was only then that I realized that 15. Yeah, 15, with two honorable mentions. That would cover it.  

Now it’s important to note that this list isn’t just made up of movies that I simply disliked. These are movies that I loathed, movies that did irreparable harm to the genres they represent and so polluted the collective unconscious of movie goers the world over that they deserve not only to be eviscerated publicly, but everyone involved with their making should be put on some government watchlist that severely penalizes them if they ever try to pull this shit again. This isn’t the “I didn’t like them but other people did movies.” These are those special films that only “Special” people really enjoyed. No doubt someone out there will disagree with a choice or two or five, but know this: I really put my heart and soul into this list. I went out specifically this week and rented those few “Gems” that had managed to elude me, just to ensure that this list could be a complete as possible. This is what I do for you, my fellow film buffs, in hopes that if by my word or deed I manage to prevent at least one of you from seeing at least one of these crapfests, my work will have not been for naught.  

So now that I’ve gotten all the Raka-raka out of the way here’s the list.  

Honorable Mention 1: The Best of the Worst  

The Core:  

This is the worst movie of the year that I had the most fun at. I really honestly have to say that this film entertained the hell out of me. Unintentionally of course. I remember reading a post by one of the writers of the film here Click in which he details fighting a producer who wanted to add dinosaurs and all I could think after seeing this is WHY THE HELL DIDN’T THEY ADD FUCKING DINOSAURS?!? I mean, honestly, this thing was one monster fight away from being a Doug McClure movie. It’s Hilarious without meaning to be. I laughed so hard through this thing that I couldn’t believe how much fun I was having at this bad a movie. It was almost as if someone had set out to make a straight faced/tongue in cheek parody of the Armageddon/Deep Impact/Independence Day films. It was all there: The wacky inventor, the hard-bitten pilot with something to prove, the egomaniac scientist with something to hide, the military man on a mission willing to sacrifice his life and that of his crews for all humanity. It’s all there. And it’s funny as hell. Maybe IT WAS intentional, and this is some great Kaufmanesque style joke that a few people at Paramount are chuckling in a smoke filled backroom about. “Dude, I can’t believe we pulled this off and KILLED the disaster film!” But my guess is, no. Someone thought they were making a really good actioner. Nope. Not a bit of it. Funny as hell, but come on. They should have grown a pair and let Bruce Greenwood get his shirt torn off by some prehistoric, tentacle swinging monster before he wrestled it to the ground. That would have been the coup de grace.  

Honorable Mention 2: The Over-rated bad Movie  

Gigli:  

I don’t care what every other critic in the country says, Gigli is not the worst movie ever made. It is not the worst movie made in years. And it certainly is not the worst movie since Glitter. Anyone who says that DID NOT suffer through the 15 films that follow, or if they did, they suffered through maybe a handful of them and then forgot about how bad they were while salivating over the chance to rip media darlings Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez a new one in print. It was a slam dunk contest, pure and simple. Was it good? Hell no. But it has a few moments that are actually pretty cool, and it certainly wasn’t boring. It was a pleasant train wreck to watch unfold and to ponder what the hell anyone attached to this movie was thinking, but worst movie of the year? Uh, nope. Not even the worst of the summer. Sure, IMDB has it listed as number 9 on the worst movies of all time, but it has 6,000 votes and I happen to know for a fact that 6,000 people didn’t even see this. Nope, this is a bad movie killed by it’s own over-hyped talent. But there is talent to be found here, misguided though it is.  

What follows, however, are those films that I lay down right now are MUCH WORSE than Gigli. I offer to you, any of you, that if you were to force me to watch any of these films again, I would gladly trade 5 concurrent viewings of Gigli before I’d THINK about watching one of these again. I’m serious. I’ll do it. So here goes:  

15) How to Deal  

You know, I was really pulling for Mandy Moore. When she first hit the scene a few years ago I merely shrugged her off as another Brittany Spears clone. We were being inundated with a disturbing amount of bubble gum smacking ‘good’ girls like the aforementioned Spears, Pink and Jessica Simpson and Frankly, I got sick of it real quick. When she took to film I rolled my eyes. But then something odd happened. She wasn’t half bad, in fact, she was pretty damned good. Her first role was as the cheerleader nemesis of Anne Hathaway in the Princess Diaries, a role not unlike James Van Der Beek’s turn in Angus. Then she followed it up with her Role in the Nicolas Sparks adaptation “A Walk to Remember” in which she really fell into a completely different character and proved that she has some range outside of the standard Bubble Gum Pop fare. Then came How to Deal.  

How to Deal is a classic example of just how to do everything wrong, even with great casting. First and Foremost, their ultimate mistake was that this was an adaptation…of TWO books. Now it’s hard enough to make a good movie by paring down one good book into a film, but TWO? There’s so much going on in this movie, clichéd plot hook after plot hook that we never get to spend any time with the characters, we simply watch them react to hook after hook until it just becomes comical. Then add the fact that the material FEELS like it should be a quirky drama, where the comedy comes from the kookiness of the characters that Mandy Moore’s Halley is surrounded by. Instead, the director (Clare Kilner) tries to force the jokes and lays out every scene like it’s a gag waiting to happen.  

How to deal is just painfully bad melodrama that goes over the top in it’s attempt to manipulate the audience. The only tears in the theatre I saw this in was those of laughter, particularly when Mandy Moore’s best friend’s boyfriend falls dead of a sudden heart attack during a soccer game. Truly one of the worst death scenes of all time and one of the most unbelievable WTF moments of the year.  

14) The Medallion  

Poor Jackie Chan. You know, I love watching him on film, but this is just Awful with a capital A. You can read my full disappointment with this film here Click.  

Ultimately this film is bad enough to be an utter waste of your time, but still not quite Bottom 10 material. Maybe if they’d Called it Warlock 4: Kung Fu from Hell, this would have been slightly more palatable.  

13) Underworld  

When is a vampire not a vampire and a werewolf not a werewolf? Well, Matrix Reloaded and Harry Jokes aside, it’s when these supernatural icons are pitted against one another under the mindless watch of Writer/Director Len Wiseman. Wow this movie was a complete crapper. Me and the boys take turns kicking the crap out of it here CLICK and my feelings on it have only grown, especially considering that people seriously want to put money behind Underworld 2. I also can’t get over the enormous plot holes that make Armageddon and the Core look like episodes of Nova. I mean, they spend years looking for someone of the right bloodline so they can genetically make an “Abomination” (coughcoughstolenfromwhitewolfcough) that they establish could easily have been accomplished just by knocking up a vampire. And they do this with Vampire accomplices. ???. Yeah, brilliant stuff. Oh, and a note to Len Wiseman. They make Gels in other colors than Blue. Look into it.  

12) 2 Fast 2 Furious  

The action film for the Metrosexuals of the world. Two gay best friends go on a road trip to bring down a druglord, while enlisting the help of street racers just to show off how pretty import cars can be. This is the TNT late night movie to end all TNT late night movies. Everything about this film is subpar…and this is from someone who had a hell of a fun time at the first one.  

Paul Walker is a poor mans Keanu Reeves and Tyrese is a poor mans DMX. Take that for what it’s worth. And I don’t know if there’s more plastic in these little foreign jobbies everyone drives around in this thing or in Eva Mendez.  

John Singleton is THIS close to directing direct to video movies for the rest of his life. Whatever he does next better kick some serious ass. He has a lot to make up for.  

11) Gothika  

How this managed not to make it into my bottom 10 astounds me. Dark Castle Entertainment wouldn’t know a good horror script if it were hand delivered by Jesus himself, while a celestial chorus sang Hosanna through every nook and cranny of their offices. I kneecap this one here CLICK  

10) The Cat in the Hat  

The Cat in the Hat is a total mess from inception. To say that I hate this movie is an understatement. It is a sheer disappointment on every level. When I first wrote about this film, I did so in Seussian Verse here CLICK but I never quite explained the fundamental flaws with the film. To begin with the very CONCEPT of the book is thrown right out the window for the sake of art direction. Now this is a common problem when ART Directors make a shift to FILM Direction; the story becomes lost for the sake of the look. In this case, Bo Welch designed what many have referred to as Beautiful sets that were built not on some backlot but completely constructed as it’s own living, breathing community. There’s a definite sense to the very look of the thing that the Art Director for Tim Burton was at work on this thing. And that’s all well and good, and in many cases this would be a good thing. EXCEPT that the very crux of The Cat in the Hat is that it is a Dr. Seuss book that ISN’T set in Dr. Seuss’s world. It’s set in ours. In fact, the whole point of the book is what happens when Dr. Seuss’s world invades ours and two children are forced to face reality in the midst of absurdity. This idea was completely lost on Bo Welch and Brian Grazer who instead decided to make a Tim Burton movie, presumably for kids. The world of the Children ALREADY looks like it’s straight out of Seuss, so much so, that it’s alarming at just how surprised these kids are to see a 6’ tall cat. Compared to architecture, the cars, and the very town itself, the cat comes off pretty tame.  

Now, along that same vein, we have the second fatal flaw of the film. The lack of Rhyming. Now, many people have argued with me “Do you really think you could have handled watching a film that was entirely in rhyming verse?” My answer: No, not really. But having the whole film in verse isn’t what should have been done. Just the Cat. Seussian verse is a thing of Dr. Seuss’s world, not ours, and thus the Cat and only the cat, should have rhymed. From beginning to end. None of this “I’m not really good at rhyming horseshit.” Oh, I know what someone out there is thinking: “But if it were all in rhyme then Mike Meyers couldn’t ad-lib and do what he does best.” Yeah. A lot of good him NOT rhyming did for this misguided drek. Besides, it’s called acting. Mike’s done it before, and he was damned good at it. His character in 54 was unlike anything he’d done or has done since and he was magnificent. He BECAME someone not out of his own imagination, but rather someone real. Someone not played for laughs. He could have done the Cat, and he could have done it right. But THAT would have required a director in search of a story and a faithful adaptation, not a look.  

And here’s where I throw in all of my other gripes. It’s not funny. The crass humor is SO NOT DR. SEUSS. The Art Direction is frightening, not beautifully surreal. And last but not least, it’s so mind numbingly boring that it makes The Hours look like an action packed summer blockbuster. Bo Welch may be a brilliant art director, I have to admit I love most of his work, but as THE DIRECTOR he has some serious work to do. First and foremost, he has to learn how to tell a story.  

9) LXG. The League of Extremely Ordinary Gentlemen  

Yeah. With Sean Connery gutting Alan Quatermain and removing his fatal flaw (Opium Addiction), the addition of a non period Tom Sawyer who doesn’t even stick remotely true to the character Tom Sawyer, a Vampire that strolls around in Daylight like a Southern Belle, a Mr. Hyde in a big rubber suit that LOOKS like a guy in a big rubber suit, Stuart Townsend reminding us all why he was fired as Aragorn and some of the cheesiest dialog this side of “You know what happens to a toad when it’s struck by lightning”, this movie proved not only to be a terrible film, but one of the first nails in the coffin for comic book adaptations in recent years. While this crapper certainly won’t hurt Marvel or DC franchises, it’s certainly going to make people cautious about adapting Alternative Comics that lack instantly recognizable faces. This could have been good. The source material is great. But the dialog is god awful, the effects are half assed and the there are sets in this thing that LOOK like they were shot on a soundstage in fake snow. This film is miserable and everyone responsible should be flogged. ‘Nuff Said true believers.  

8) Legally Blonde 2  

The second sequel on the list and the first of a run of them. I have to honestly say that this is the one sequel on the list to really let me down. While I loved The Fast and the Furious, I knew that Paul Walker couldn’t carry a film. Reese Witherspoon, however, can. I have to admit, I really liked Legally Blonde. Sure it was fluff, but it was cute fluff, and the notion of making a film that was a Bizzaro World version of the 80’s formula really struck the right chord with me. You see, in the 80’s John Hughes started a trend of films that entailed the Geeks winning out and finding acceptance among their much “cooler” peers, ultimately without compromising who they are (after all is said and done). This led to a whole series of fun films. Revenge of the Nerds, Better off Dead, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Monster Squad, One Crazy Summer, not to mention the John Hughes classics The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink and Weird Science. Legally Blonde took the same premise of all these films and flipped it, placing the pink frilly prom queen smack dab in the middle of Geek Town USA. Harvard Law. (Okay, okay, so it’s not MIT or Cal Tech, but it’s still total geeksville.)  

And the formula played out just the same. Elle Woods (Reese Witherspoon) triumphed by adapting without ultimately changing who she was. And it’s a nice, happy, fuzzy pink ending. So what made me curious about LB2 is where exactly they expected Elle to go from there. Well, what happened is that they started her right back at square one. Elle apparently learned nothing from her adventures in the first film, and has once again become the bubbly, seemingly retarded sorority girl we were presented with in the opening scenes of Legally Blonde. Does Elle once again triumph by adapting and learning how to cope with being different. Nope, not this time.  

At the end of the first Legally Blonde, Elle triumphs because her hobbies and position as a froo froo sorority girl gave her an edge in the case she was working on by noticing things everyone else missed. Comments about someone’s shoes, a witness taking a shower after getting a perm. Things a geek wouldn’t pick up on. Things that an intelligent person with a mind more in tune with those things would. This time around though, she isn’t presented as the slightest bit intelligent, instead winning the day by the power of personality (something we as an audience are simply expected to buy) and an impassioned speech about how much we’re supposed to love our pets.  

And yeah, this one’s not funny either. I chuckled once, and only once, and proceeded to roll my eyes at every other joke. And believe me, I really wish I had found something to like here. I love watching Reese Witherspoon do her thing. She’s simply one of the most talented actresses of her generation, with an ability to wear characters like a second skin (and if you doubt that statement in the slightest go back and watch Election, Freeway and Legally Blonde Back-to-back, remembering that it’s the same actress every time. She’s brilliant.) But to see her do this hurts. I pray that this isn’t what her career has become, but rather a Money for my kids movie like Johnny Depp in “The Astronauts Wife”.  

7) Jeepers Creepers 2  

Speaking of Formula films that defy the formula in all the wrong ways, I offer Jeepers Creepers 2, Victor Salva’s epic film about a Psychic Cheerleader and her Basketball playing friends who, much like Captain Kirk and Doug McClure, just can’t seem to keep their shirts on while they shuffle from one end of a bus to the other while a flesh eating escapee from Buffy the Vampire Slayer tries to eat them one by one. Thank god Harpoon wielding hicks with magical radios show up in time to help. I do my best to unleash the pain I felt watching this upon Victor Salva here CLICK  

6) Lara Croft Tomb Raider 2: The Cradle of Life and other such nonsense  

Wow. Never before have I seen two companies scramble so fast to blame the other. Paramount almost instantly blamed the poor showing of this crap fest on the poorly received Tomb Raider video game, while the Video Game company raced out with it’s blaming of poor video game sales on the terrible first movie and the promise of another bad one. Truth be told, both the movie and the game sucked the hair right off my sack. You can read my musings over this mind numbing attempt at an action film here CLICK  

5) The Real Cancun  

Okay, Bottom five time gang. The worst of the worst. These movies are so vile, I feel dirty for admitting that I saw them in a theatre or worse, rented them so I could complete this list and do it justice. In the number five spot we have the Real Cancun, which is probably the biggest misnomer of the year as there is absolutely nothing real about it. It’s canned cheese from beginning to end. Everyone acts as if they know they’re being watched and simply act as stupid as possible on camera at any given moment. We’re never treated to the morning after, never shown the downsides of such intense partying. Instead, we’re shown an hour and a half commercial for spring break. The cast are given VIP status the whole way. They’re ushered into the best clubs, given free booze, they each have their own hotel room and with the cameras following them around everywhere, you know that the people to hang with them or swarm to them are doing so only because they think these people are SOMEBODY. Nope, they’re nobodies, nobodies with a mean SAT score of 250.  

And to top it all off, the very reason for seeing a Rated “R” reality movie proves to be a wash out as well as we’re treated to about 7 quick pairs of breasts and sex scenes of people who know they’re being filmed that devolve into a series of people quickly running under blankets followed by 5 minutes of covered bobbing man ass. In fact, there’s more reality, T&A, sex and ultimate satisfaction in the first 10 minutes of a Girls Gone Wild video than can be found in the whole of this film.  

When I staggered home from this screening, punch drunk on the sheer stupidity of it all (and bewildered by Moriarty’s glowing review of it), I found one of my buddies waiting for me, ready to harass me for seeing it. “You know why it sucked?” he said flatly. “It was spring break, but it didn’t have Snoop. Snoop would have saved it.” I shook my head. “No. It had Snoop. They dragged his ass out for a song, calling the female cast members on stage to grind him, and he quickly darted away, sensing just how bad this was.” He was shocked. “Wait it REALLY had Snoop?” Yep. And if Snoop couldn’t save this, nothing could. Thank God in heaven that this thing went down like a Wellesley girl that’s just gotten her pin, because, cross your fingers, this means Reality Entertainment stays right where it belongs: polluting our TV and not our beloved silver screens.  

4) From Justin To Kelly  

Yes, spring break 2, electric boogaloo. Ah, the sweet sight of another reality TV crossover bomb. In a misguided attempt to make stars out of the finalists of the dreaded American Idol, Fox ponied up the cash to make their version a spring break Grease. Instead, they succeeded in making one of the most unwatched, painfully unimaginative pieces of crud to ever wash up on the shores of Florida. Complete with singing, dancing, a hovercraft race, a poorly conceived love triangle, cliché after cliché, piss poor nightlife, terrible jokes and dialog that would make Joss Whedon howl in agony, this thing feels more like the film that the Wonders got a gig in as Captain Geech and the Shrimp Shack Shooters in “That Thing you Do” than it does Greece, or even Beach Blanket Bingo. You know, I wish these folks the best of luck. They’re living their dream. I simply beseech them to do so where I might not accidentally see it.  

3) House of the Dead.  

Taking up all 10 spots of Quint’s Bottom 10, I was dying to see what the hell went wrong here. Is it as bad as they say? Well, Kind of. This thing starts out just like your average, run of the mill, terrible zombie movie. There’s millions of these thing floating around out there. Unintelligent, uninteresting young adults (who could easily be confused wioth the cast of The Real Cancun) end up going somewhere for some reason that involves sex and booze and LOK OUT! ZOMBIES!  

The first 20 minutes, while significantly bad, plays out pretty standard. We see 4 different pairs of breasts, people getting killed and the lamest beach party since, well…From Justin To Kelly…The Real Cancun…Gigli…you name it. If they didn’t constantly refer to it as “The Rave of the Year” it would hardly even be a footnote. Maybe if they called it “The Best Kept Secret Rave of the Year” it would be plausible. But no. So yeah. It’s pretty bad. Jurgen Prochnow and Clint Howard slum it even worse than they ever have before, including a lame ass reference to Jurgen Prochnow’s amazing performance in the greatest Anti-war film ever (IMHO) Das Boot. “Who’s the U-boat Captain?” Who indeed. Someone who needs money badly, apparently.  

House of the Dead manages to maintain it’s constant level of crappiness for quite some time, never giving the audience anything to enjoy, but also not sinking to truly epic levels of utter shit. Until the big zombie fight. Well, okay, that’s not entirely true. They slip in a few of these, here and there, but not like they do in the Zombie fight. What am I rambling about? Cut scenes, or rather, screen captures right out of the stand up arcade video game, complete with digital zombies, 64 bit bullet ‘explosions’ and sound effects. Inserted amid cuts in the movie. Now this is just weird until the big throwdown, but when all hell breaks loose…Uwe Boll’s insanity becomes painfully clear and this film becomes epic bad. Capital B, Triple A, D Baaad. The techno music keys up, zombies come out of the woodwork, everyone pulls out the smuggled guns they’ve geared up with and things begin to look up for a second. Bloody havoc. But then it comes. A shot of a hero gunning down zombies. A shot of an exploding zombie Head. Another hero gunning down zombies. Cut to…a fucking video game??? No really. A Fucking video game? Shambling digital zombies complete with a Reload flashing alert telling us our hero (and I use that term loosely) is out of ammo. Then cut back to the film of zombies being gunned down. Lather rinse repeat. Over and over again. Seriously. Shots of a goddamned video game.  

Ewe Boll is a madman. A raving, insane lunatic that somehow believed inserting video game shots would draw some artistic parallel between video game violence and that of survival horror films. It simply boggles the mind. Had this movie been done for, say, $50,000, yeah, maybe. Culty, strange insanity forced by a minimal budget. But this thing had roughly Underworld’s budget (if I remember correctly) but makes Underworld look like a cinematic work of staggering genius. Let that roll around in your head for a second. Uwe Boll makes Len Wiseman look like fucking Kurosawa. And the bastard’s made ANOTHER video game adaptation. AND is set to make another film.  

You know what. I’m going to get a bus. A short bus. And I’m picking up Ewe Boll, Len Wiseman and Victor Salva at their homes, and I’m taking them to a boat, a short boat, that takes them to a deserted island so they can play Cannibal Holocaust: The Home Game. These guys should never be allowed near a camera again, let alone anyone who knows how to pronounce the word camera. Dear Christ almighty. God save us all.  

2) Dumb and Dumberer  

Speaking of short bus. Ugg and double ugg. You know. I hate the first one, and I hold a special place in the scarred recesses of my mind for the night I saw Dumb and Dumber back-to-back with The Jerky Boys (in a theatre no less). But this, wow. Once again, think Kurosawa. I’d like to think that never before has the screen seen such puerile, detestable, unfunny humor, but unfortunately, Dumb and Dumberer is the 2nd worst movie of the year. This is the slag scraped off of the top of other comedies when they’re boiled down to keep only the best jokes, collected into one long, painful, unwatchable fart joke. Even Bob Sagat Swearing isn’t funny in this. And that’s ALWAYS funny. No. No. I can’t talk about this any more. It’s too painful to think about. Just remember that fans of the first one, diehard fans who quote it chapter and verse, hate this with all their heart. God…I have to scrub my brain now.  

1) Grind  

Yes. The crappiest of the crappy. Grind. Nobody saw this and you should thank God at least once a minute for that. If you did see it, know that Jesus loves you, died for you and STILL didn’t suffer half as much as you did. Your ass is on the express bus to the pearly gates. You can read what I had to say about it here CLICK other than that, I’m done, I’m out. This trip down memory lane has hurt me more than I thought and as cathartic as reaming these films (in some cases a second time) was, just thinking about them is making me tear up and beg for mercy. I’m going to go wash my eyes out with bleach and cleanse them with a marathon of the greatest films ever made today. I think I’ve earned it.  

Pyul Mactackle