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The Fey Fanboy has seen TORQUE... and was able to still type semi-coherently afterwards!

Hey folks, Harry here... Saw the trailer for this, and it made me giggle. Love hot car flicks, unfortunately, they keep making these pansy ass modern car hot rod flicks instead of bad ass old late 1940's hopped up Mercury's burning down the road and pulling fucking cool squeals and tearing it up ThunderRoad style! But hey... these "Hot Wheels" movies that Neal Moritz produces remind me of the spirit of the ol teen rubber burnin' flickers of the sixties, but with ass music that ain't even Rock-n-Roll and schmucks that ain't got Lucky Strikes folded up in the sleeve of their white T. But heck... they're still stupid fun, right?


I’ve just seen Torque and you have to like a movie that takes the flying–through-the-engine shot and ends up having the camera come out of the back of a man’s mullet. The movie was way better than expected. I was expecting to see the low budget, two wheeled version of Fast and Furious but that was Biker Boyz. FF and BB take themselves very seriously as if the audience really believes those movies are cool. It’s scary to think of the Shakesperean intensity that Paul Walker gave everytime he said the word “Bro”, or more accurately, “brraah.” Torque (terrible title, what does it mean?) distances itself from those cheesefests by essentially giving up and admitting it’s stupid. It’s like a veil of pretention has been lifted. It’s a straight up no brainer B-movie. The results work suprisingly well.  

There’s no need for a plot breakdown here because it’s really not that complicated. Drugs, chicks, bikes. The performances are pretty good, especially from Martin Henderson who plays the leads hero. He kind of looks like a young Kurt Russel and he carries a certain rough charm. You could easily see him as Snake Plissken. The lead chick Monet Mazur is just straight up hot. Ice Cube basically raps out his lines, which got a little annoying. The one casting flaw in this movie is that they could have casted a stronger Trey. I was thinking this role was made for DMX. But Ice Cube does an ok job and he’s atleast funny.  

The action is really incredible and the best part. They are the best of all these types of movies. There’s a nice blend of real stunts and effects stuff and a one upping of the psychedelic race effect, which for better or worse goes overkill in the final chase through downtown LA. Scenes that especially stood out were the opening race between two rice rocket cars and a motorcycle, a train scene photographed from every angle imaginable, and a chickfight where they race and throw down at the same time. There are some nice visual jokes like an opening sign that strobes with a message to the mullet cam.  

Overall, a suprisingly fun flick. It will do well because it’s b-movie simplicity will be a nice break from all the epics of Christmas.

Thank you,

I am The Fey Fanboy

Ok, so I can hear the stirring of people claiming PLANT, cuz well... TORQUE's trailer looks like ass sliced like meat on an Arby's sammich. But wait... the FINGER OF DOOM is weighing in too....

OK, let's be blunt. I walked into Torque expecting the worst. After all, Neal Moritz is probably the worst producer on the planet. I Still Know What You Did Last Movie, and I Will Always Know Because You Never Try Anything New.

Compound that with the fact that I am not an Ice Cube fan. Add a cast of unknowns, a first time music video director, and a recycled concept already beaten to death by Biker Boyz and 2 Fey 2 Curious. Doesn't look pretty does it. So mix it altogether and what do you get?

Shock and awe.

Yes, this movie shocked me because it was good and I really enjoyed it. IT DOES NOT SUCK. I can't believe I wrote that, but there it is. It's practically two thumbs up good, even if most of the intended audience puts them in their mouths.

Let's skip over the part about plot, because there isn't one. Whoever this Matt Johnson guy is that wrote this puppy, he must have wrote with his back hunched scratch! ing the fleas off his ass. So let's get off that part, because this ain't the reason you're gonna watch this movie. You're gonna watch it for really, really fast bikes, chases, explosions, chicks. So does it deliver?

Let me count the ways. Bikes, check. Chases, chick, especially that train sequence (sick). Explosions, hurt my eyes, check. Chicks, holy jesus, check check and check (jamie presslie - this is the kind of casting that can hurt your wrist).

OK, let me stop with the cheap shots, because Torque can be a pretty easy target. Even my actually retarted brother thinks he's smarter than the movie, but you know what? He's not, and that actually pisses me off! There's actually a bit of smarts to it. For one, it's funny. Intentionally. Lots of one liners and sarcasm, which quite frankly doesn't exist anywhere else in the Fast and Furious universe. Then there's the stylization. This movie is Stylized and Polished. I suspect people who actually ride bikes may not! like the direction they took it because it's basically a comic book. Go wheelie into a semi truck you little bastards, I'm glad they went all Akira with this shit because I already had enough of your Larry Fishburn Biker Boyz gut and your pontifcating about can't do this or that. I don't want to see a realistic depiction (zzzzz) of your world, I wanna see you guys fuck each other up! (Thanks, Torque.)

Where was I? Oh yeah, the movie is smarter than my little retarded brother and every other little shithead who thinks they're smarter than a movie that names itself after a goddamn wrench. I give a lot of the credit to the director, Mr. Music Video himself, Joseph Kahn, who I am now convinced actually watches movies and knows what he's doing. The direction by Joseph Kahn is interesting, to say the least, and at times thrilling. He seemed to have fun upping the the visual cliche's of this genre. For example, that shot going through the engine that will now be in every Ne! al Mortiz film until he goes to hell? Kahn does it here, but has it end up going through our villain's brain and OUT HIS MULLET. Nice. If Ice Cube took a shit in the movie, Kahn would have placed a camera in his asshole and somehow found a way to make you like it. The little shit knows his visuals. You're never bored LOOKING at this movie.

What else do you want me to say. I've run out. It kicks ass. Better than Fast and Furious, but not as good as Schindler's List. Warner Brothers should have made it an R and got the blonde chick topless. Sequel, please.


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