KULL THE CONQUEROR is the "MegaForce" of Barbarian Movies!
Now to set you up for this review. I woke up this morning to calls from newspapers all over. In London, Kansas City, USA Today, and Premiere. I did my interviews, and read my email. Strangely it still doesn't quite feel like work. Probably because I'm so damn lazy about it all.
I barely finish with all this in time to pick up my sister at school, grab my dad, and go eat before KULL!
I arrive a full two hours before the screening, and already some of the superior Line People have arrived first. Here in Austin, it's a battle to get into line first, with the time required being repeatedly pushed further back and back. Alot of talk about the site, some local media appearances, etc. The whole time though I am distracted by the GIGANTIC box behind me that contains a STARSHIP TROOPERS standee. I wanna see it. They need to set it up! Now! They don't. Dammit!
The line moves in about thirty minutes before the film is to begin, and I have to stand outside waiting for my friend RoRo to show show. I wait till 10 minutes after the "point of no return". This is a term for the time prior to the start of the film, where you will wait for the other part of your party to arrive. If they haven't shown, then Like I did you take your seat.
About 5 minutes before the start, they begin the process of giving out KULL screaming battleaxes, Kull Shirts (got one), the FUNKIEST promo buttons I've seen in a long time, and KULL tatoos. Cooooooooooooool.
This movie was of course going to suck though, but I still wanted cool free stuff, because my house isn't nearly crowded enough. (Sarcasm)
Then the film begins:
It's Bad. But in my opinion it's MEGAFORCE bad, which is an incredible level of hell filmmaking that transcends it's badness and becomes so much fun to make fun of, that it's worth seeing. However if you can't stand watching MEGAFORCE, then this might not be the film for you.
Harvey Fierstien says, "Kuuuuuuhuhuhullll, yough knooooogh EyE don't lighke th' smellllgh of FISH"
The burn victim version of MR BILL
Tia (SCHWING) Carrerie who should be locked in a room and not allowed in front of a camera again.
The funky CG fire.
The Bloodless battles.
The horrible mixture of modern dialogue and olden times dialogue.
ROCK & ROLL scoring to battle scenes, but dramatic score to everything else. This was a REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL bad mistake. Wow. I haven't seen a style screw up this bad in a long time.
Kull's tiger symbol was designed obviously off a fire cracker wrapper.
Kevin Sorbo was BAD.
So was everyone else.
Litefoot was worse.
After the film was the true joy. My friend RoRo had wrangled his way in, in the nick of time. He wanted to leave about 10 minutes into the film. I wouldn't let him. He squirmed and did have the film cajones to sit through the whole thing. But afterwards I witnessed the Wrath of Roland. Here is what Roland had to say:
That was the ASS. A-S-S. It was like running up a hill to smell a bucket of shit! They owe me 2 and a half hours of my life back. I feel violated. Raped. FUCK THAT MOVIE SUCKED.
That Rafaella owes me $25 dollars, I earn $10 dollars an hour, I want my time reimbursed. God that movie sucked.
AT THIS POINT THE SETTING CHANGES....
RoRo discovers that the only reason he was asked to the film was that GLEN backed out, and told me to ask RoRo. Fire blazes in his eyes. He becomes possessed...
Roland, "By This Axe I ... will shove the handle up Glen's ass. He owes me. My god, how could someone do that. What was the studio thinking. Is it a tax shelter? I mean did they set out to NOT make money. God that crap was bad"
Personally, the movie is so bad, it's fun. For days, nay , through the rest of the year, KULL's smell will stay with us. I will be able to envoke a hilarious rant from RoRo at the mere mention of "The Fate Of your kingdom is sealed in a kiss"
He goes nuclear. "Beastmaster was GREAT compared to this, Beastmaster had a cool sword, KULL has dick to offer!" --- Roland.
Ahhhhh, I love the sadistic pleasure of inflicting unsuspecting friends to hell. If you are a Robert Howard fan, don't go. You'll regret it. Really. It's BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD. It'll hurt ya.
