Hey folks, Harry here... This year, Capone decided he wanted to hook up with Moriarty early in Austin for a blind date, but Moriarty chickened out and didn't arrive til late Friday Night, thus avoiding the whole affair. Capone was fairly morose the rest of the time, but blue balls will do that to ya, so I had to try and entertain him best I could. Here's his detailed accounting of his BNAT experience...
Hey, Harry. Capone in Chicago here. I realize the faithful readership is probably sick to death of Butt Numb-a-Thon 5 recaps and reviews, and possibly you'll deem this writeup worthy enough of being the "final word" on the wonderful events of last weekend. BNAT5 held a slightly more special meaning for me this year as compared to previous BNATs because, upon Harry's request, my traveling companion Chi-Town Charlie and I flew in a couple days early to spend a little quality time with the Head Geek, Father Geek, and all the other Austin-based AICN staffers. It was an experience I'll never forget, and it may never be repeated as Harry gets more and more bogged down with producer duties and development deals. (Don't you believe it!)
Charlie and I arrived in Austin Thursday. Leading up to my departure I'd had several recent conversation with Harry filled with clues about the nature of this year's BNAT lineup. I'm sure many of us who have regular contact with Harry had similar conversations in the weeks prior to the event that doubles as Harry's birthday party. I can't even guess the number of hours I spent with Charlie and others in Austin speculating as to the films we'd see. We were told seven premieres, and we all mistakingly were thinking Harry meant Hollywood premieres, or at least major American releases. Guessed titles included films like KILL BILL, VOL. 2, HELLBOY, SOUND OF THUNDER, VAN HELSING, even Michael Moore's FAHRENHEIT 911 (based on comments Harry made to several of us about security issues involving a visiting guest). There were other films discussed, but these were on my hit list, as was the only film I actually guessed correctly, the event's final wonder, THE PASSION OF CHRIST with the heavily guarded Mel Gibson on hand. More on that later.
Charlie and I checked into our hotel room and immediately called Harry. Not long after, Geek Sr. and Jr. showed up at the front entrance of the hotel in the Geek Mobile to pick us up and take us to the original Threadgills. I'd kill to have a place like that in Chicago. Food so good we went back to another Threadgills the following night. Hey, they have a big menu, so I didn't have to order the same thing twice, right? Let me just say, Harry and Jay Knowles are two excellent dinner companions, filling our ears with history lessons about Austin, upcoming films they're excited about, still more double speak about the BNAT films, you name it. All the while Harry is fielding phone call after secret phone call. Prints of the films we're seeing are being made just for us, subtitles are being added, sound systems are called into question. And this is still the calm before the storm.
Next stop was the Geek Mansion (a.k.a. the Knowles' residence): a sprawling 1-acre estate where all the work gets done. The place was crammed with promotional items and posters sent by film studios for inclusion in this year's hefty gift bags. But I got the impression that even without these boxes of goodies, the place would still be a little tight. There was a narrow path connecting each room, and one got the sense that if you strayed from the path you could get lost forever. DVDs, video tapes, posters, buttons, assorted collectables, and genuine memorabilia were everywhere, even the ceiling. Charlie and I were led to a place called the Acker-room (named for Forrest J. Ackerman, editor of "Famous Monsters of Filmland" magazine). This is the room you always assumed Harry had. More of a room from a museum, this is where the good stuff is. I'll say no more about its contents, but it's also a room for sitting a relaxing, which is what we did. We talked about the politics of being a Chicago film critic, especially one working outside the system of publicity agencies and press junkets. We saw early art work for the first JOHN CARTER OF MARS film, and Father Geek and Harry took turns pointing out all the cool shit in the room. It takes time to absorb it all.
Harry then showed me Geek Ground Zero: his bedroom, where his computer sits ready to pump out reviews, news, set reports, and death announcements. I sat and watched Harry post my controversial review of CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN, and we flipped through some talk backs of recent BNAT-related postings. He even showed me how he bans potty-mouthed Talkbackers. Watch out! I also got my first look at the magnificent BNAT5 shirt. The final stop of the even was the screening room in the back yard. This oversized shack (I use that term with great affection) is filled with film prints, scripts, signed posters, and copies of Harry's Sky-TV shows (If you have no idea what this means, I'll let him fill you in when appropriate). We sat some more, talked, drank some odd but tasty Jack Daniels and Coke concoction, and just generally mellowed out. A few BNAT attendees from Minnesota showed up at this point; the rest is a blur.
Friday was all about work. The salty sea dog himself, Quint, showed up around noon to take Charlie and I to a secret location where we and 20 - 30 other BNAT attendees stuffed goodie bags and rolled posters. It was a long and tiring process, but it got done in about four hours and nobody was seriously injured except for some deep paper cuts. This gathering was my first real chance to meet a lot of the AICN regulars. At previous BNATs, I'd been seating near Hercules and Mr. Beeks, so I knew them. I'd also talked with Moriarty on a couple of occasions. But these were the Austin troops, the crew from Minneapolis, and an assortment of others that I would be thrown into the Alamo Drafthouse with very soon. Only this time, I would know them and converse with them, with still more last-minute attempts at guessing the films that are beyond guessing in most cases. The evening ended for us with our second Threadgills experience, this time with about 40 people, talking about every nook and cranny of film imaginable. I was in my element like never before. After dinner, we decided to make a largely successful attempt at a good night's sleep in preparation for the longest night of my life.
I won't bore anyone with the details of the 10 films of BNAT5. If you've made it this far, you probably already know all about these films. But allow me to offer some impressions if I may.
1. HAUNTED GOLD--Not a great film, but since we know we get to see RETURN OF THE KING at some point during the 24-hour event, we allow Harry this opening indulgence, the film that sort of triggered an idea in his head that has become GHOST TOWN. It's not that John Wayne hits like a girl, it's that he hits and sounds like a girl, and he wears one of the fruitiest cowboy outfits I've ever seen. I kept expecting him to break out into the chorus of "Y.M.C.A."
2. Harry gave us a whole song and dance about how "Return of Captain Marvel" was one of the great serials in serial history, and I'll admit the first chapter was pretty great, so great in fact that I moaned loudly when the film ended and the screen went black. Then the curtains started to open wide and the New Line logo appeared. That son of a bitch Harry never stops with his trickery and deceit. I'm not going to review RETURN OF THE KING beyond these few words: This film caps off the greatest in-total film experience I've ever had. The trilogy is worth more than the sum of its parts because of ROTK. It confirms and restores my faith in the potential of big-budget filmmaking (although it does not give me much faith that any other filmmaker will take the time and muster the spirit to undertake such an ambitious project). But more than anything, if you have any stake in the "Lord of the Rings" story and characters (either in book or film format), you will cry at the end of ROTK. Maybe more than once. There's no way you won't.
It was terrific that Peter Jackson took time out to come to BNAT, but the truth was, beyond saying "Thank you, thank you, thank you," I was at a loss for words, and I'm usually not around filmmakers. A lot of people were subdued to a point during the Q&A. The emotional impact of seeing ROTK took so much out of us that having Jackson right there after the screening was just overwhelming. I needed time to digest what I'd just seen. Today, I'd have a million things to ask. That day, I felt like I needed a nap.
3. As a thanks to Jackson for three years of making our dreams come true, Harry played a beautiful archival print of THE GENERAL starring Buster Keaton with a live band providing the soundtrack. This is one of Jackson's (and my) favorite films, and for those of us who'd seen the film before it was a great chance to decompress and simply laugh and enjoy.\
4. OLD BOY--I sought out Harry's top pick as the best film of 2002, SYMPATHY FOR MY VENGEANCE from South Korea, and was floored by it. But nothing prepared me for the layered sock-in-the-kisser that was OLD BOY, from the same director. At its core, it's about a man trying to justify 15 lost years of his life. All he cares about is finding out who in the world hates him enough to kidnap him and lock him away from so long; nothing else matters, not getting on with his life, not love, nothing. The film is always moving forward, even when it flashes back to the man's past. At first you think that the identity of the kidnapper will be the big secret, but it's not. Then you think that finding out what this guy did wrong so many years ago will answer all questions; it doesn't. When the final missing piece to this puzzle is revealed you almost want to throw up from all the built up anticipation. It's that good, and probably ranks as the best film (after LOTR: ROTK and PASSION) we saw in the 24 hours.
Somewhere in here we saw a very funny scene from the upcoming Will Farrell film ANCHORMAN, which involved Christina Applegate and a large boner in Will's pants. This movie cannot suck.
5. NID DE GUEPES (WASPS NEST)--Set this film in the U.S. and it would get lost in the weekly barrage of actioners. Set it in France and maybe it stands out a bit more, but it's still a fairly typical (but still strong) action-thriller about a high-security team guarded the transportation of a dangerous international criminal running smack into an army of faceless soldiers trying to rescue said criminal running into a group of high-tech thieves robbing a warehouse of laptop computers. Ka-Boom! Nothing too original but still loads of fun.
6. Harry was kind enough to let Quint and I introduce the short film/next film combo. Quint did the honors on a neat little movie he co-wrote called "Blind" that managed in its less-than-15-minute running time to have a great twist about halfway through. Then I introduced the second sequel of the day, GINGER SNAPS UNLEASHED, the so-so follow up to the much talked about GINGER SNAPS from a couple years ago. Even though she died in the last film, Ginger's still around tormenting here sister, who is trying desperately to hold off her impending change into a werewolf. There's nothing unforgivable about this film, but it's clear that the makers were working on the cheap and it hurts the end product. Still, the metaphor of a werewolf transformation and sexual awakening still works especially in the much discussed group female masturbation scene. That woke us all up.
7. HAUTE TENSION (SWITCHBLADE ROMANCE)--Loved this French stalker film that turns into a French art film by the end. The film's big revelation near the end may actually negate half of what we've seen to that point in the story. I know that doesn't exactly make sense, but if you can remember "Donald Kaufman" man chasing himself screenplay in ADAPTATION, you have an idea of the confusion surrounding this film. Having said that, it makes no difference if huge sections of the film make no sense. It's still a great, serial killer trucker vs. hot chicks film that attempts to gross you out and turn you on all at once. Welcome to French grindhouse.
8. TEENAGE MOTHER--It's been said already, but I'll say it again: Harry, you fucking suck balls two times a day, you fuck. What begins as feature-length mental hygiene film quickly turns into all-out puke-worthy exploitation circa 1968. The bad acting, the puritanical views on teen sex, drugs, and "troubled kids" are laughable enough, but I'm still wondering how I kept from heaving my guts out during the final 10 minutes of this movie. It's not that I was bothered by watching a doctor jamming two gloved fingers in a pregnant woman, but perhaps it was the combination of that, the big shiny clamps gripping the baby's head, and the lava-like flow of placenta and what appeared to be fecal matter that forced a scream out of me I didn't think I was capable of. I've seen footage of the miracle of birth before, but this was different. Perhaps it was the context, perhaps the eerie lighting, or perhaps it was seeing a woman's vagina being cut by scissors and blood spurting out into the mix that shook me to my very soul. Damn you Harry, damn you straight to hell. Where can I get a copy of this abomination? Breakfast burrito anyone?
9. After the bloody mess that was TEENAGE MOTHER, the zombie film from New Zeland, UNDEAD, was a bit underwhelming. Timing is everything. Still, I'm not sure I would have been that enthused by it in any context. By combining the undead with a heavy extraterrestrial element, UNDEAD may have been a bit too genre crowded for its own good. It doesn't hold a candle to Peter Jackson's BRAIN DEAD, and I'm afraid that's the film it will be compared to most often.
10. THE PASSION OF CHRIST--Stunning, breath-taking, even in its unfinished state. More people have questions for me about this film than any other in BNAT5. I hope that means they'll check in out upon its release. I can't wait to see it again finished, some of the effects shots Gibson mentioned in the very long Q&A that followed sounds so beautiful. I have a feeling that there would have been extended discussion after this movie whether Gibson had been there or not, but having him there enlightened us to his thinking, his agenda (or lack thereof), and his love of alternative audiences. I genuinely believe his showing this movie to us was an attempt to see what true film enthusiasts think of it. Apparently, we love it. I know I did. A few tears fell during this one as well.
Thus concludes my BNAT5 experience. I made a few new friends, some of whom offered us beds the next time we're in town (don't forget!), and deepened already established friendships. But it's the shared emotional rollercoaster that was BNAT5 that bound us forever. Isn't that what it's all about? (I am such a sappy bastard. Sniff.)
Capone
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