Hey folks, Harry here with Nordling's lessons taken from the last 24 hours of his life spent in the magical fleshy bosom of the Alamo Drafthouse! I can't believe I pulled this event off. This has to be the greatest birthday party I'll ever throw!
Nordling's THINGS I LEARNED AT BNAT 2004
STUNT ROCK still, erm, rocks.
John Wayne hits like a girl.
The Phantom has a fruit-like accent. And that's about as detailed as I'm going to get.
Peter Jackson rules.
Shoot zombies in the head. They'll stay down. (If you didn't know this by now, you really need to see more movies.)
"You bow to no one."
Ron Burgundy has a huge penis.
Eli Roth rules.
Colin McKenzie discovered the first horizontal wipe! And man, did it kick ass.
All it takes to woo a Southern belle is a fast train. And mighty reflexes. And a live band.
New Zealand farmers have anti-gravity fields around them that make pistols fly in mid-air.
Dukes, Captains, Kings, Generals, and, then, the Lord, in that order.
Sometimes, when you see a theme like "female empowerment" play through the night, you could still be dead wrong when you come to the last film.
Philippa Boyens rules.
Taking down a giant elephant with a bunch of soldiers on it still only counts as one.
If you're in jail for 15 years, it's not a good idea to have sex with the first girl you meet at the sushi bar.
Hammers come in handy in hallways.
Fran Walsh rules.
The little blonde girl really is mighty fucking crazy.
A good dresser, used properly, can take a human head clean off.
Group masturbation is fun. (Is that from a movie, or the actual BNAT event itself? I'll never tell...)
French people shoot like the G.I. Joe cartoons.
Schizophrenic girls are hot, especially with rotary blade saws.
Mel Gibson rules.
People with buttchins sell dope and laugh funny.
Dear God, stay away from what the sex education teacher has in that film box.
THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST might be the most important film this site ever covers. Please see this film.
Harry Knowles rules. Happy birthday.