Father Geek here at Geek World Headquarters in Austin with Latauro The Fearless, and another one of his insightful reports from that mystical magical land downunder...

Now raise your goblet of rock. It’s a toast to those who rock!

AICN-DOWNUNDER

Well, the AFIs were just on. That’s the Australian Film Institute Awards, for all you plebeians. Sort-of like the Australian version of the Oscars. Or, more accurately, the Golden Globes. Or, on particularly bad years, the Daytime Emmys.

This year, despite some technical problems, the awards were fairly watchable. The big thing was the standard political diatribe, only this time everyone was of the same mind and it actually had something to do with the film industry. The impending Free Trade Agreement with the US has got a lot of people nervous, as we reported a few weeks ago. It may not be financially viable for stations to produce local product. With more lenient sanctions, it’s foreseeable that all of our viewing will be imported (instead of just most of it) and that our industry will go into topsy-turvy turmoil.

There were a lot of pleas for sanity during the awards, but none so classy as Toni Collette. When she won for JAPANESE STORY (a well-deserved win), she refrained from the cheap point scoring we’ve become used to at these events. Her appeal was respectful and clear. At a time when political activism only serves to further divide Those Who Agree from Those Who Don’t, it was refreshing – and, one suspects, more effective – to see someone treat the perceived opposition with respect.

The major AFI winners are listed below.

NEWS

* It’s never fun being the bearer of bad news, but when you get emails like this it’s unavoidable. A new scooper, whom we will refer to as... um... “Scooper” (this is what happens when you don’t provide your own nick), was working on STRANGE BEDFELLOWS, an homosexually-themed Australian comedy with Paul Hogan and Michael Caton (fingers crossed I never have to type those words again). It seems that during filming, Hogan was talking about a CROCODILE DUNDEE 4. Apparently, he’s unhappy with how CROCODILE DUNDEE IN LOS ANGELES turned out – big shock there – and he wants to rectify it. Hogan seems to want the plot to revolve around Dundee (and new friend, played by Caton) taking ownership of Wal’s pub. So another high-concept pitch, then. Run for cover.

* Clear Vision Film Productions is planning to “resurrect the straight action genre made popular in the 80s and 90s”. First of all, I take issue with the term “popular”, but whatever. The film in question will be the production house’s first feature, entitled YAKKA OY. (Although I’m sure what they mean is “Yakka Oi”, unless the film is about a Yiddish sheep shearer...)

* HATING ALISON ASHLEY... well, the FFC has a love-hate relationship with it, at any rate. After getting funding approval and then losing it again, ASHLEY has managed to get it back. In fact, it was the only feature film to receive funding in the FFC’s November round. It will be directed by Andrew Prowse, who is perhaps best known for his work on “Farscape”.

AWARDS AND FESTIVALS

AUSTRALIAN FILM INSTITUTE AWARDS

Man of the jokes fell flat (one skit in particular was terrible), the sound kept screwing up, the autocue was consistently off, and the big finish streamers went off about half an hour before the end (okay, that was pretty funny). But that was mostly technical. Tony Squires did a good job of hosting, and things were – for the most part – kept brief.

Most of the winners were easy guesses, with JAPANESE STORY taking the big sweep.

Here are the big ones:

• Best Film – JAPANESE STORY
• Best Director – Sue Brooks (JAPANESE STORY)
• Best Actor – David Wenham (GETTIN’ SQUARE)
• Best Actress – Toni Collette (JAPANESE STORY)
• Best Supporting Actor – David Ngoombujarra (BLACK AND WHITE)
• Best Supporting Actress – Sacha Horla (TRAVELLING LIGHT)
• Best Cinematography – Ian Baker (JAPANESE STORY)
• Best Editing – Jill Bilcock (JAPANESE STORY)

BOX OFFICE

MATRIX was shot in Sydney, and IN THE CUT was directed by Jane Campion. That’s as tenuous as I can get, with the next five films in the list also being foreign product (four US, one UK). If there’s one thing the AFIs reminded us of, it’s the fact that audiences just aren’t going to local films. Is it because people like the spectacle of a big budget production? Is it that they prefer big stars because they know what they’re going to get? Is it something *I* said?! Tell me!

Anyway, here’s the list:

• 1. MATRIX REVOLUTIONS
• 2. SEABISCUIT
• 3. INTOLERABLE CRUELTY
• 4. SCHOOL OF ROCK
• 5. IN THE CUT

RELEASED THIS WEEK

Didley Squat takes a page from the Peter Weir Handbook of Director’s Cuts (shorter running time instead of longer), Atom Egoyan’s festival-bait gets itself an arthouse release, Eastwood finds more when he continues digging into the male subconscious, Dickens meets the Dame, Linklater releases his thematic sequel to WAKING LIFE, Michael Bay proves wrong the critics who said “You can’t do any worse than BAD BOYS II”, and the less said about the last one the better.

Here are this week's NEW Downunder releases...

• ALIEN: DIRECTOR’S CUT
• ARARAT
• MYSTIC RIVER
• NICHOLAS NICKELBY
• SCHOOL OF ROCK
• TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE
• UPTOWN GIRLS

REVIEWS

Er, yeah, accidentally printed the MYSTIC RIVER review last week instead of this, so I’ll treat you to a repeat print. I’m just that sort of guy. Also, if you like getting incensed about things, scroll down to the TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE review.

MYSTIC RIVER

I don’t know what to say about this film. I’ve been sitting here staring at the screen for about fifteen minutes (and, intermittently, at international news items on the TV), and I’m not sure where to begin.

The Man With No Name does some amazing direction, as well as some amazing music composition. Brian Helgeland’s screenplay is beautifully-constructed, and the cast is phenomenal. So what is there left to say? Not a lot. So I’ll expand on those points.

You’ll be seeing nominations next year for both Sean Penn and Tim Robbins, and Penn will walk away with a win. His performance is well worth it, but it’ll also serve as the standard sorry-we-didn’t-award-you-for-the-other-film nod. But I digress. Both Penn and Robbins manage to bring out a Greek tragedy quality to their characters. Kevin Bacon is solid as always; it’s good to see Laurence Fishburne stretching his acting muscles a bit after MATRIX; and there’s something really cool about seeing Marcia Gay Harden and Laura Linney on-screen together, two actresses I’ve always considered similar in talent and equally underrated.

But there are moments that elevate it far beyond the typical murder mystery, or the typical us-working-class-men-gotta-stick-together dramas that resort to cliché time and time again. The final scene, without words and delivered only with looks, is chilling. Frightening. Adds a completely new dimension to what we’ve seen. In fact, it almost comes out of the blue. The message we thought we were going to get turns out to be something completely different, and the film is better for it.

The only complaint I have is the crime itself. We’re given everything we need to figure it out, and it’s handled with impeccable balance. But the motive itself... it’s so random. I don’t want to give it away, but for those who have seen it: the person who committed the crime, don’t you think they’d have perfect reason for doing so? Why was the raison d’etre what it was? There’s no point in talking about if I’m not going to go all spoilerish, but it was a simple thing that could have been changed without affecting anything else.

But it’s a minor complaint. It’s tough to get straight-up dramas made these days (or does it just seem like that?), and it’s even tougher to make them well. If you want to see a director, screenwriter and a group of actors at the top of their game, see this film ASAP.

SCHOOL OF ROCK

I have an ongoing argument with people over the merits of the SPY KIDS movies. See, I love ’em. I think they’re great. They’re the sorts of films I wish I’d seen as a kid. The people I know who have zero interest in seeing the films consider them to be just your standard contrived Disneyfied fare. What I keep pushing is that they’re Robert Rodriguez films. From the guy who made EL MARIACHI, DESPERADO, FROM DUSK TILL DAWN... Like so many other directors, he’s one of those guys that you automatically go see. Like buying an album by a band you love without hearing any of the songs. You know the director, his films are an automatic see.

SCHOOL OF ROCK is a lot like that. It has all the hallmarks of a straight-to-video MIGHTY DUCKS, a kiddie-aimed DEAD POETS SOCIETY rip-off, one of those straight-to-video deals that is designed to make its money back and remind us that the lead actor still exists. Only it’s not. It’s a Richard Linklater film. The guy who made BEFORE SUNRISE and WAKING LIFE. TAPE and DAZED AND CONFUSED. He’s no director for hire; he’s a filmmaker.

And if you look hard enough, you can see that. You can see the small flourishes that only come from an auteur. The slow pull-back that lasts for five minutes. The expert casting and direction of the children. The lack of clichés (within reason, but I’ll get to that later).

Firstly, there’s Jack Black. One of the most watchable actors ever made, he makes every nuance and every beat an entertaining thing. He’s funny even when he’s not being funny. He’s just always on. His dramatic moments in this are totally believable because he doesn’t need to switch personas to do them. As a kid, I found it disconcerting when I saw Harpo play the harp in his films because his expression would always change. He was Harpo the Harpist not Harpo the Clown. (I don’t have a problem with that; I worship the ground near the ground that he walked on, but he admits his guise switch in his autobiography.) Black does the drama well because he hasn’t created a funny character; he’s created a real character who happens to be hilarious. As for the comedy itself, you all know what Jack Black’s like. Either you love him or you don’t. And if you love him, this film is a godsend.

Cute children are always a mixed bag. You either end up with kids who can play their character well, or you get the saccharine dimples, overbite and lisp. These kids are all in the former category. Sure, some of them are incredibly adorable, but not in a sickly sweet way. Watching the girl who likes Christina Aguilara try to keep a straight face and fail miserably is meltingly funny. Seeing the nervous guitar player kid thank Black for the lesson is genuinely warming. But they can all act. Every single one of them makes you believe their character. Particularly the girl who plays Summer. She is a real find up there with Haley Joel Osmond, and I’m surprised there hasn’t been more attention surrounding her. She’s an amazing talent, and I expect that she’ll be making her way into the minority of child actors who go on to big success.

Sure, there are clichés in here, but everything’s been done before. Everything’s going to remind you of something that someone has done somewhere else, it’s inevitable. The good news is that it’s done as well as is possible.

If you’re looking for the ultimate Jack Black film, this is it.

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE

This is the worst film I have ever seen.

It’s interesting typing that now. Because I’ve had about three hours or so to calm down since I’ve seen it. Believe me, I had an infinitely more vitriolic review in me when the end credits ran. When it ended, I met up with a large group of friends celebrating a success. That was good. That was needed. I needed to end the night on a different note. I couldn’t have that film be the coda to my evening.

Allow me to take a deep breath and try to explain.

If I wanted to censor films, if I wanted to ban films, if I wanted to rally up a lynch mob of like-minded people, if I wanted to reignite the debate on cinematic violence, if I wanted to reintroduce the Hayes Code, if I wanted to prove once and for all why Hollywood is a filthy sleaze merchant of obscenity, if I wanted to do any and all of those things, this is the film I would make.

And I’m not one for banning films, or even censorship. For the most part, anyway. I get furious at the Australian Film and Literature Classification Board when they forget that it’s “Classification” and not “Censorship” in their title. I get angry when they refuse classification and thereby disallow the film’s release. I can’t stand the backwards-thinking of politicians who think that Adrian Lynne’s LOLITA was pro-paedophilia propaganda. Jumping through hoops because Joe and Jill Schmoe instantly equates the name “Lolita” with “child porn”. I hate Larry Clark’s films and think he’s a total hack, but my hatred for those who ban his films far outweighs my loathing for his work. Short of snuff films and actual child porn, I really don’t think in this day and age we can justify banning films.

I fucking hate everyone associated with this film. I fucking hate the director. I have never been so furious coming out of a film in my life. I thought I was angry after STAR TREK: NEMESIS, but I wasn’t. I thought I was mad after sitting through the fifteen hour slog that was BAD BOYS II, but I wasn’t. No film has ever made me feel like this.

Think of the worst film you’ve ever seen, and this is worse. I just can’t hate BATMAN AND ROBIN anymore. It was just a lame film that, simply put, didn’t compare to what Batman should be; what it was at its best. I don’t hate Joel Schumacher. The guy had a bunch of misfires, then went on to make PHONE BOOTH, which was a tight, terrific film. The best he’s made. I don’t hate Paul WS Anderson, because I’ve never met him. I don’t like his films, but I’ve never met the guy and I can’t bring myself to hate someone I’ve never met. I’ve liked untalented people in my life, there’s nothing to suggest I wouldn’t like WS despite the fact I loathe his output.

But I hate the people who made this film. I hate that they were able to make me feel the opposite of how I feel about films. R. Lee Ermy deserves better. Eric Balfour deserves better. Jessica Biel deserves better. Harry’s prosthetic head deserves better. I’m not even going to compare it to the original MASSACRE, because aside from the title there is nothing linking them. The new film doesn’t come close to touching the old one. They’re not on the same planet.

Let me be clear about what type of bad this is: this is not like BLOODSUCKING FREAKS, which a friend of mine picked out because she thought it was funny how awful it looked (and was). It’s not that. It’s not so bad it’s good. It’s not rickety tombstones in an Ed Wood film. I honestly love Ed Wood’s films! This film is not a glory of excess that you’d watch because it was so blatant.

No; this is an obscenity that does damage to the art of cinema.

NEXT WEEK

- A porn star is shocked and embarrassed when a video depicting her caught in a sexual act is *not* released onto the internet

- The Leprechaun takes on Chucky in MIDGET MELDOWN MAYHEM!!!

- Fans remain unsure of how to react when George Lucas reveals plans to replace the swordsman who gets shot in RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK with Jar Jar Binks

Peace out,

Latauro

downunder@aintitcoolmail.com