Here's my review of FIRESTORM:
It's like watching spit bubbling and evaporating on a hot grill, with all the thrill of the hissing and popping gone. A real mediocre film. Top to bottom. BLAH!
Now for why I'm writing...
I woke up this morning knowing I was going to do 'one special thing'. "One Special Thing" that would make this day.... wonderful. FIRESTORM wasn't that "one special thing". You see... I was going to see HOT SKIN, a 3-D WIDEVISION, BOOGIE IN 3- D, DISCO DOLL STARRING, JOHN HOLMES P-O-R-N-O feature at the Dobie at Midnight!!!
To me, life is about experiences. First kiss, great films, travels, meals, swimming, conversations, eclipses, comets, ships sinking, love and the world around me. Well there are some things in this world that, well, just need to be experienced first hand. And 3-D John Holmes porno is one of them.
I have never attended a theatrical presentation of 'pornography' much less in 3-D. I always figured the smell of the theater would be stifling. I didn't want to see what that was like, BUT the thought of seeing 3-D porno with a group of my peers. Fellow people desiring to thrive on the communal experience and immaturity of seeing etheral ejaculations... well it was simply meant to be.
So it was that I spent my day, working. Setting up my space at CITYWIDE GARAGE SALE at the CITY COLESIUM. I hauled in a ton of merchandise, I worked hard. I talked laserdiscs with the jedi knight of laserdisc procurement. This guy knows where to buy it all cheap. He's got lists of what is where in what cheap bins in what stores and for how long. He has statistical charts of the ebb and flows of cool discs, and well he smelled "new laser" upon me. I learned a lot about my system.
After setting up, my father and I went to eat at CHUY'S. A white trash tex-mex velvet Elvis hubcap haven of fins and fish. They serve gigantic BIG AS YO FACE burritos filled with carne guisada. The whole time I ate, I was reading about how local football god, Ricky Williams, was giving up an estimated 14.6 million dollars to go 'Pro' to spend his senior year hear at UT, and well I was also stuffing my face and thinking of 3-D Porno.
I figured that I'd go see a film with Dad (FIRESTORM) to alleviate his desire to go see 3- D Porno that night. You see, I just don't think I need my Dad there to watch... 3-D Porn. I don't know, maybe I'm not thoughtful, perhaps I'm greedy, but I felt... uneasy with the concept.
So we see FIRESTORM. I've told you my opinion, and whew.... stinkerino. BLAH! The worst type of film, not so bad you can like it, and well not g. g... g... duh g...duh... I can't even say that word in a paragraph with FIRESTORM.
We left the theater, thinking about the Deep Impact trailer... What is up with that annoying sound in the trailer?
The Eaters of the Dead trailer... Ummm... are they trying to make this out to be a 'heavy metal' film?
Replacement Killers trailer... Chow is sooooo damn cool. I'm sorry Joe, I don't care what you say, I'm going, good... bad... I'm in my seat.
Dark City Trailer... I love this trailer. I live for this trailer. Ain't it the best!!!
Then we bought Rubber Bands and Tacks (you know, I have to have my fetish equipment when I see the 3-D Porn!!! I'M KIDDING, YOU PEOPLE ARE SICK!!!)
Then I come home. I begin going through email. MAN that Star Wars email ROCKS!!! So I call ROBOGEEK!!! We talk for a long time. I try to convince him to come see the 3-D Porno with me tonight. It's a no go. I call up Glen, he says... MAYBE. RoRo is out of the loop in Ft Worth. Copernicus is looking for supernovae. Velma wanted to go, but her boyfriend... uhhhhh...suuuuurrrrreee it's a boyfriend, we all know about Velma...
Anyway EVERYONE was out. Except... ROBOGEEK. He was home, he was oooh sooo eager to talk to me. And talk and talk and talk and talk. Minutes poured through the hourglass to the sweet mono sound of the Robogeek voice. Soon it was 11:21pm. OH HELL, So I leap into the van and rush across town.
Gotta see 3-D Boners!!! Gotta see 3-D Boobs!!! Gotta see the audience see 3-D Boners and Boobs!!!! This was the shit man!!!
I dodge in and out of traffic like Bullitt, I get a parking place right in front, just like the brothers blue. I did it all man. I got in the elevator, which opened as soon as I pressed the button. I get out of the elevator and...
You know that scene in THE TEN COMMANDMENTS? You know... the exodus. It looked just like that. All the treasures of Egypt, there were camels, mules, elephants, carts, baskets, huddled masses... LOTS OF HUDDLED MASSES.
PANIC.
My God, I could... NOT... get in. Oh hell oh hell oh hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I rush to get in the 'Buy Your Ticket' line. It's moving, it's moving, it's moving... just 3 people away...
"SOLD OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(silence)
(more silence)
Rejected depraved people flitter off... The huddled masses donning 3-D glasses stare at us... like we are less than COOL. I'm recognized. I hear SCOFFING... I swear I hear SCOFFING. Giggles and points. I couldn't get in to see 3-D Porn. I feel soo... sooo... unfulfilled...
I had to blame someone... WHO? Who could I blame? I couldn't shoulder this... this ... this travesty. I was too distraught. What possible reason could I blame some one for me not getting in?
Then it hit me. As I watched the escalator carrying people up and down in this... Food Court.. This mechanized thing. This... ROBO-thing. Yes.... yeaaaaaaah, ROBOGEEK did this. He's responsible. You see, it was his constant droning on the phone. His hypnotic intonations that held me captive. Only when it was too... too late did I realize the placement of the universe. I had planned to get there an hour and a half early. I had planned to get in. But he stopped me. He... he scoffed at me. He asked me 'Why would you go to that?' He... he... HE'S THE REASON I DIDN'T SEE JOHN HOLMES GIANT DICK THRUSTING OUT OF THE SCREEN AND INTO THE PENTHOUSE CENTERFOLD... SERENA!!!!!!
I had to confront him. I had to let him know... I knew it was his fault. He must know. I find a phone.. around the corner from the NAVY RECRUITMENT CENTER.. on the way to the restrooms. I dial his number...
"Hello," he cheerfully answers. The bastard didn't have a bit of apology in his voice. He... he.. he wasn't even sorry for what he had done.
"Robo- I didn't get in to see the movie because of you," I exclaimed.
"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.... what did I do," he questioned. He sounded oh so conveniently innocent.
"You didn't want me to see the movie, did you? You thought you could keep me from seeing it. Your talking.. it was all a ruse to keep me from seeing three-dimensional deep dicking!!!" I could hear Robo's metallic claw touch that emotionless face.
"Har...ry??? Are you... alright?" he croaks out.
"Oh I see, you want me to taaaaalllllllk about it? There's HUNDREDS of THOUSANDS of people down here. It sold out!!!! It is massive!!!! I missed getting a ticket by just 3 people, Robo, it was talking to you. I'm blaming you for this one. You kept me from seeing John Holmes' massive cock!!!"
"Harry... No... No Harry... No I didn't. You.. You could have left anytime... You didn't have to listen. You coul..." Robo says, as I...
"Ohhh that's sooo convenient. You just play the sweet innocent little Robo. Put this on me. Everyone knows it's your fault..." just then a guy walks by with 3-D glasses headed for the bathroom, "this guy got in.. He got in because he didn't talk with you. If he had talked with you, he would be on the phone, instead of moments away from seeing fornicating on an extra plane of existance"
Silence comes from Robo. Robogeek is stunned. You see Robo was fashioned of the purest substance known to man... SILVER. You could use Robogeek to fight Werewolves he's so pure. He never... ever expected this conversation... either that or HE KEPT ME FROM SEEING IT ON PURPOSE!!!!
Folks continue walking by as I condemn Robogeek in viscious fashion. Beautiful women with tears... tears of anguish of not seeing 3-D porn. I could of been seeing 3-D porn with Beautiful Women, but nooooooooooo. Noooooooooo. Robogeek stopped me. Strangers begin yelling at the one responsible. Robogeek is berated by a bevy of sex depraved pathetic people like myself.
I believe I began to hear Robo sniffling. He's silver, he won't rust. But he KNOWS he's responsible. He knows he kept Harry from a great film experience. He knows Harry won't be able to resist from tormenting him on his site, read by thousands. He begins to try to talk sense into me. He begins calming me. I begin coming out of my anger, his hypnotic robo-voice convincing me that I need to see KiKi. That 13 year old witch with the talking cat anime. I begin to listen. I tell him, I need to go home and mourn...
I hang up.
I go down the escalator. And begin to head out into the darkness of the fresh morning. When as I approach the door I hear... "Hey Harry!!!"
ROBOGEEK'S BROTHER!!!!!!!!!!!! and he has THREE-DIMENSIONAL OPTICAL WEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mouth goes dry... I know.. the answer, but I say, "Aaaaaaarrrrrre yoooooouuuuuuu gettttttiiiiinnnnngggggg innnnnnn?"
"Yeah, you don't have tickets?," the evil S.O.B. says. His face twisted into one of those EVIL smiles. He knew the answer, this was just part of the torment.
"No, I was talking to your brother on the phone..." You see Robogeek was a lonely wind- up, but then his parent had a real boy that could play with Robo and keep him company, change his batteries, give him new parts and programs from... APPLE, the source of all evil!!!!
"You should never talk to him," Robo's brother says gleefully.
"He set this up, he kept me on the phone to keep me from seeing the 3-D porn," I say.
"You're right. See ya," as Robo's brother walks up the stairs to the pantheon of porno.
I BEGIN STEAMING. VISIBLE HEAT WAVES APPEAR ABOVE MY HEAD. A menacing smile crosses the wide expanse of my face. ROBO is dead...
I reach the nearest phone, a disappointed beauty was using it, but seeing the fearsome anger of post-porno-depraved-being, she left the phone to my own devices.
I dial ROBO.
"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?," he asks.
"Your brother is getting in to see the movie," I say with an icy chill to my voice.
"Hahahahaha, WHAT, MY BROTHER'S THERE?" he asks. (GLEEFULLY)
"This was all a plan wasn't it? You kept me on the phone so your brother could get a ticket. You plan on running his review on your site and keeping the glory, the honor, the power away from me aren't you. You want to keep me down. You have always been jealous, You don't like me being in the spotlight. You want to take over don't you, this wasn't about keeping me pure it was about stealing my popularity!!!!!" I rant like a madman.
"Har.....................ry? Hello? Are you there? Hellllllooooooooooooooo? I'm worried about you? Har..................ry," he taunted.
He then tried to talk me out of telling y'all all this. He felt that this... this explanation was... shall I say... unneeded. He felt that I should... JUST ROLL OVER AND PLAY DEAD. GO TO BED LIKE A GOOD LITTLE BOY!!! Uh huh, right. Not in a million years.
So I got in the car and began the trip home. Stopped and picked up a dozen donuts and 3 more. So I guess I picked up 15 donuts, and 4 liters of COKE. I was mad, I was thirsty. And I had to get the truth out. Now you know.
But tell me, you wouldn't call me... insane... would you?
(I will attempt to see this classic tomorrow. Robogeek will attend. I know things about him. I could talk. I could talk about digital things I know. I could spill heavenly beans about beautiful creatures I know. I know things. If you know Robo, make him come. He stood in the way of a GRAND adventure. He needs to join in the festivities of dodging phantom penises and spurting light. What an ADVENTURE?!?!?!?!?!!! Tune in tomorrow for another thrilling chapter of.... COOLNESS.....)
