Hi, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab...
Here’s what I wrote about SPACE JAM on one of my ‘90s list entries, when I named it one of the ten worst films of its particular year:
This is the film equivalent of someone dragging their beloved grandmother out to a street corner in Hollywood and flashing her pussy at passing cars. "Come on! I know it's my grandmother, the source of my family, a woman that is loved and revered by everyone, but I really need a little cash!" The crazy thing is that someone - a whole lot of someones, actually - stopped and fucked the old lady, so they're going to keep whoring her out. Warner Bros. has no respect whatsoever for the importance of their iconic animated characters, seeing them instead as licensing opportunities, as ATM machines drawn in ink. It's disgraceful to the memory of the artists of Termite Terrace, the talented writers and performers and composers and animators and directors who created such astonishing pop art for decades. It's also a piss poor use of such rich and interesting characters. Once the animated characters start showing up, the film begins to just aggressively suck. Not one of the characterizations in the film seems anything close to right. How hard is it to screw up Daffy Duck and Bugs Bunny? These relationships are simple, clear, defined by decades of great writing. And there's nothing here that indicates that anyone involved has ever seen those classic cartoons. It's like they saw drawings and had someone explain the cartoons to them. The music is generic radio wallpaper, and the look of the wildly expensive movie is garish and ugly. In the end, it's a loathsome experience that just tarnishes the WB shield and all the classics it's ever been attached to.
When Joe Dante, known lover of anything regarding Warner Bros. classic animation, was named the director of the new film LOONEY TUNES: BACK IN ACTION, there was reason to hope WB wasn’t making the same mistake again. Quint seems to believe they have. I’m trying to talk Dr. Hfhurrhurr, one of our LA spies, into writing up his take on things, because I think he liked it a lot more than Quint did, and I’d love to hear another take on this one. For now, though, color me skeptical that it could possibly work, and let’s see what Quint’s got to say...
Ahoy, squirts. The one and only crusty ol' seaman, Quint, here with my look at the newest Joe Dante film, LOONEY TUNES: BACK IN ACTION.
I never thought this day would come. I really didn't. You couldn't convince me as a kid that the guy responsible for PIRANHA, GREMLINS (1 and 2), THE HOWLING, EXPLORERS, EERIE, INDIANA, THE 'BURBS and MATINEE would make a terrible movie. Especially if you told me it was going to be a fantasy comedy with a budget well over $100 million.
Today I cry. Despite all the ads looking bad and all the word of mouth being terrible, I still held out hope. You see, I love SMALL SOLDIERS to death. That movie got shit on a lot by critics and fanboys when it came out, but I've always dug the tone and animation. It's a fun movie, through and through. Smarter than it got credit for being as well.
So now I've seen history's first hands down terrible Joe Dante movie and it kills me. It kills me because when I watched the film I didn't see a Joe Dante movie, I saw a movie directed by the WARNER BROS executive board. What twisted the knife even more was I could see Dante trying to force his way through. There are little spots of the film that soar and appeal strongly to any film geek or fan of the original Looney Tunes cartoons, tiny specs of solid food in the vomit puddle of the film.
LOONEY TUNES: BACK IN ACTION is a living document of pain. In it you can feel the pain inflicted on Joe Dante and all but see the dry, necrophiliac anal raping of Mel Blanc, Chuck Jones and Friz Freleng. What makes this sad isn't the out and out failure of the film, but that it could have been good. Dante wanted it to be a good movie and tried his damndest, but ended up having to bow to the giant WB.
This isn't a guess on my part. If you're forced to watch this movie, you'll see what I'm talking about. The two good scenes in the whole film ("MOTHER" and "MUSEUM") come straight from Dante. There are '50s B-Movie monsters in the MOTHER scene and if you've ever spent any time listening to Dante talk or watch him on a documentary or listen to a commentary track... you know this scene is pure Dante. The scene is fantastic, a literal Where's Waldo of classic movie monsters. There are Triffids, Daleks, Fiends, Metaluna Mutant, Robot Monster and hidden in among them is Marvin the Martian. Great scene in an otherwise shitty movie. Also fantastic is Kevin McCarthy's cameo in this scene. If you know your '50s Sci-Fi I'm sure you can guess what it is.
The scene really feels like a compromise... Imagine, if you will, Joe Dante standing in the middle of a stark white room, surrounded by two twirling hula-hoops, being looked down upon by the grim faces of the old men running Warner Bros. "If you're going to make me wipe my ass with the legacy of Chuck Jones and cast two lifeless people in the lead roles and make Steve Martin give the worst performance of his entire career, then at least let me have one scene all to myself..."
The Old Men consider... "It will be done... end of line."
"May God forgive me..."
"Guilty! Guilty!"
OK, so that's a bit out there... for some reason that came out as a cross between SUPERMAN and TRON, but you get the idea... Let's spend a moment talking about the cast...
Brendan Fraser better pray to whatever god he finds holy every fucking night for putting Bill Condon on this earth. If it wasn't for Condon's casting and perfect direction of Fraser in GODS AND MONSTERS, I would have discounted the idea that he has any sort of talent or screen presence years ago. Fraser's eyes are lifeless. He tries a little bit, but for the most part he just hams his way through the whole movie.
Jenna Elfman is a second rate Tea Leoni, which is pretty damn derogatory since Leoni is an irritating, talentless wench. I don't understand how Elfman gets work. The only role I can think of that she has done that I can barely stand her in is The Angel in CAN'T HARDLY WAIT... you know, the whole two minutes she was in that movie...
Steve Martin... OH GOD WHY!?!? Absolutely over the top in the most unfunny way imaginable. I know he's talented, I know he can play serious (THE SPANISH PRISONER) and I know he can play over the top (LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS) and be brilliant... Sure, he's also been mediocre (BRINGING DOWN THE HOUSE), but if you find yourself watching this movie, you'll be wishing for mediocre Martin back. Why didn't he jump ship when he saw it was sinking? I can only hope he got the biggest paycheck of his career and finds a little gem of a movie to do as penance for what he's done in LOONEY TUNES.
The animation is terrible, maybe a step above JIMMY NEUTRON, throughout with the exception of the MUSEUM sequence, the one and only sequence in the entire film that reminded me of the classic Looney Tunes cartoons. In this sequence, Bugs, Daffy and Elmer Fudd are at the Louve in Paris. Fudd is chasing Bugs and Daffy through the museum and, eventually, through famous paintings. As they run through the paintings, each character takes on the characteristics of the style of art. For instance, they run through a Van Gough, they come out looking like a Van Gough creation, etc. It's imaginative and fun, which does nothing but remind the viewer how shitty the rest of the movie is in comparison.
I could go on for another five paragraphs on the failings of the movie (from set design to lighting), but I don't want to waste any more of my time on this film. I don't blame Joe Dante for anything more than taking a big pay day and swimming up stream doing what he can to not make the movie suck so hard. Maybe this movie will serve as a warning to Warner Bros to trust their talent. This movie is going to bomb big time. We're talking PLUTO NASH proportions here. Warner Bros deserves every lost cent.
Before I go, I'd like to thank everyone who has emailed me about the geek shopping guide report so far. I've gotten some great ideas and links. Keep 'em coming! Email me at aicnquint@yahoo.com if you have the perfect, off the wall geek wet dream of gifts. If you're working at a big toy or game developer and want me to check out some upcoming products that you think fit into the GEEK category (or just want to send me the entire SIDESHOW/WETA catalogue... hint-hint), you can email me at aicnquint@yahoo.com as well.
That's it from me, squirts. I'll be back soon with a look at Ron Howard's newest flick. Until then, this is Quint bidding you all a fond farewell and adieu.
-Quint
