Hey folks, Harry here with a stream of barely-conciousness piece by UncleFucka regarding a 24 Hour Film Festival called NIGHTMARE AT STUDIO 35 - 2003. You'll hear Romero comment on DAWN OF THE DEAD remake... You'll read coverage of Stuart Gordon's KING OF THE ANTS feature, Versus, Ichii and much more. So crawl inside a horror geek's mind and giggle... Fun stuff in here...
Nightmare at Studio 35 2003
A Marathon Diary by UncleFucka
8:07 am Grrr. I’m up, and I know it’s probably too damn early. But, I got a full nine hours last night. Hopefully, it’s gonna be enough. It’s gonna be a LOOOOOOONG day.
9:16 am Totally ready. Hangover’s gone. I’m dressed, I’m packed and I’ve got my zombie-fighting gear at the ready.
9:50 am Kaveman isn’t late…yet. But, I’m antsy.
9:59 am Watched the DAWN OF THE DEAD remake trailer for like the 10th time. Can’t say I’m not jazzed to see Ving Rhames kick zombie ass.
10:12 am Just got a call from Kavey. He just woke up…Time to get my game face on.
10:30 am We get to Studio 35 fashionably late and arrange for good seats with cronies. Kaveman runs off to get DVDs for them to borrow as repayment for them keeping our seats.
11:45 am As soon as they start letting people in, I actually make my way to the back of the line. Hey, you have to keep up appearances… I meet some people and generally make an ass of myself.
12:00 pm MC Joe Neff kicks off the marathon with a group scream and the trailer for the final feature showing on Sunday, Peter Jackson’s DEAD ALIVE. I’m already working on a beer, as they have a deal where you can buy a nice glass mug for $10 and refill it for $2. I WILL get a return on my investment.
12:30 pm The previews are over for now and THE DAMNED WALK AT MIDNIGHT (better known as LAST MAN ON EARTH) begins. It’s a great Vincent Price movie, and I’ve never seen it on the big screen. To divert a bit, LAST MAN ON EARTH is based on I AM LEGEND, the classic pulp novel by Richard Matheson. I first read that during a stint going to school in Pennsylvania. My roommate used to live down the street from George Romero, and according to his story…the copy that he loaned me to read was given him by the horror meister himself. Oh, I’m halfway through my first beer. I’ll get another one soon.
1:10 pm I’m already intensely glad I brought a pillow for my ass. I love Studio 35 to death, but the place has some seriously uncomfortable seats.
1:34 pm First movie ends…And I’m ready for yet another beer. KING OF THE ANTS is the next feature up. Sure, it’s not technically a horror film…but it’s supposed to be plenty intense, and it’s by ace horror director Stuart Gordon. There is a short about mimes, but I miss the title (grabbing a beer, ya know). Is it NIGHT OF THE LIVING MIME or THE OMEGA MIME or LAST MIME ON EARTH? I have no fucking clue.
2:23 pm We’re already way behind…but I see a trailer for a movie I simply MUST track down. It’s a motorcycle gang horror movie called WEREWOLVES ON WHEELS (something tells me Harry has it, that bastard!). I MUST SEE IT!!!
2:25 pm I sit down with a fresh beer just as KING OF THE ANTS begins. It’s different than I figured it would be. First off, it’s bloody as hell. It’s rather off key for a crime drama, as well. The protagonist, Sean Crowley (Chris McKenna) is a schlub who works dead-end jobs and really has no prospects in life. He is offered a job by a couple of shady construction contractors named “Duke” Wayne (George Wendt, playing a supreme fucking badass) and Ray Matthews (Daniel Baldwin…you know the Baldwin no one remembers) following a city hall accountant named Eric Gatley (Ron Livingston). Crowley’s such a loser, he has to tail him around town on his bike. While he’s watching Gatley’s house, he spies Eric’s pretty wife, Susan. Sparks fly, and Crowley follows her to her job at the Midnight Mission homeless shelter. Crowley finally finds out that Gatley is investigating shenanigans between City Hall and the contractors. Ray, in a drunken stupor, offers Sean $13,000 to off Gatley. Sean does the deed…in spectacularly brutal fashion (Eric takes a bit of…persuading to go into that good night), and then gets the brushoff from Ray and Duke. Crowley may be a loser, but he’s not an idiot. He’s got Gatley’s file on the corrupt contractors. However, telling Duke he’s got the goods on him is not a good idea at all. Sean’s no sooner got the file safely hidden when Duke and his boys (Vernon Wells and Lionel Mark Smith) kidnap his ass and take him to Ray’s place out in the desert. To tell you what a badass Wendt’s Duke is, he downs more PBR than Frank Booth. That, and he beats Sean in the head day after day with a 3 wood until Crowley’s brain’s more scrambled than the eggs I had Saturday morning. Sean’s pretty much fucked by the time he’s ready to make an escape attempt, and that sets off a tragic cycle of revenge that stretches over the 2nd and 3rd act. The violence is very brutal and direct. There’s no style to it, like KILL BILL. Every hit hurts, and there are a whole lot of hits dealt out. The rest of the movie plays with a lot more style than Gordon’s shown recently. The cinematography is more kinetic than Gordon’s been since FROM BEYOND, and there are some dream sequences that give it a wee bit of horror street cred. Oh…Vernon Wells looks way better with a mohawk than a mullet. My favorite quote? “I’m not a professional, but I do a nice job.” It’s a good, mean-spirited revenge film. Well worth a viewing, if’n you get it near ya.
4:05 pm KING OF THE ANTS is over, and Kaveman takes off after “cash and a sandwich”. We all know he’s going to watch the Ohio State game. Fine by me. I grab a beer. The costume contest comes next. Some guy dressed as “El Pizzo Bandito” wins. I heckle the rest.
4:29 pm Already need more beer. I sneak out during the trailers.
4:38 pm I sit down with a turkey sandwich and beer just after I WALKED WITH A ZOMBIE begins. It’s an oldie and sort-of goodie…moody and morose, but not frightening in the slightest. It’s rather up front in its condemnation of slavery and racism, which is unusual for a movie its age. All the rum and whiskey drinking makes me want to have a beer. I get a refill mid movie.
5:44 pm We’re an hour late already. They announce that Richard Gordon will be presenting a film at the Wexner Center on Halloween. Have no idea what I’m doing for Halloween. Probably go out after Happy Hour…who knows?
5:48 pm More trailers. We’re not gaining any time. I get a flyer from the lobby while I’m getting a beer. BUBBA HO-TEP is finally coming to Columbus on November 1st! My glee is palpable. They show NIGHT OF THE LIVING BREAD, the first of Kevin S. O’Brien’s BREAD quadrilogy. Slices of white bread fly everywhere.
5:59 pm Film rolls on NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD. When Barbara gets bitchsmacked there is a rousing cheer from the audience. At least we know where the crowd stands on spousal battery.
6:36 pm First yawn…a bad sign. Unfortunately, at the last minute, a promised 35 mm print of NOTLD fell through at the last minute, so we were stuck with a kind of bad 16 mm print with spotty audio.
6:50 pm Kaveman returns from watching the Buckeye game (they won, whoop-di-do). I make fun of him on general principle.
6:59 pm Another beer.
7:29 pm Kevin S. O’Brien, director of the BREAD movies, introduces the first short, NIGHT OF THE LIVING BREAD. Slices of white bread fly like rice at ROCKY HORROR.
7:37 NOTLB is over! Bring on George.
7:44 pm Romero takes the stage after a review of the trailers for 6 of his top 10 films of all time as printed in SIGHT AND SOUND magazine (they couldn’t find 4 of them): DR. STRANGELOVE, HIGH NOON, KING SOLOMON’S MINES, REPULSION, TOUCH OF EVIL and NORTH BY NORTHWEST. Not a lot of new information. He’s still looking for funding for the 4th Dead film. He’s still developing THE GIRL WHO LOVED TOM GORDON with Steven King. Two things I hadn’t heard before. He’s developing a DRACULA tv movie/miniseries for ABC, trying to stay as close to Stoker’s novel as possible. Also, he’s working with Richard Hartley on DIAMOND DEAD, a musical about an undead rock band. Apparently, he was also supposed to direct a stage adaptation of MACBETH with effects by Tom Savini, but that fell through. Lady MacBeth would have died onstage. After the Columbus visit, Romero and his wife are driving to Knoxville, TN to visit Asia Argento on the set of her new film (didn’t get a name for it). Romero’s a very nice man, and was very amused by the BREAD movies, which Kevin O’Brien sent to him when he did the first one. “I thought it’s a gas,” he commented on the homage. “It’s great. It’s a riot.” (Use that on your packaging, Kevin!)
The Q+A inevitably swung to the DAWN OF THE DEAD remake, whose trailer just hit online. Romero’s kind of iffy on how they handled the zombies, though he hasn’t seen the trailer himself. “They shouldn’t speak. They shouldn’t jump. They shouldn’t run. They’re dead…they’re all messed up.”
8:55 pm The second BREAD film, LOAF begins, and I’m outta there. I order 2 pizzas and grab a refill on beer. Hopefully, I’ll be back by the time the ‘za gets in. I sneak my beer outside and join the HUGE line to see Romero. It’s cold outside, and apparently we’re bothering the neighbors, so the line has to move. Thankfully, the atmosphere is jovial. I just happen to end up in line near a kid from Canada who I’ve run into in the #Creature-Corner chatroom. I get my picture taken because apparently I look like David Cronenberg. I thought I was taller. AND, I don’t have gray hair. Oh, well. More than the fun atmosphere, I’m surprised by the number of fine looking honeys in attendance. We never get the beautiful ones at the sci-fi marathon in the spring… Guess that says something telling about sci-fi fans… As a special added bonus…almost the entire cast and crew of the original NIGHT OF THE LIVING BREAD reunite in line. Some of them cut backwards so they can chat together, and with the crowd. Fun folks. I sign a large greeting card for George Romero, get my DAY OF THE DEAD DVD signed and shake the man’s hand. I’ve got no need to bother the man, otherwise. Like I said before…nice guy. Just very…regular.
11:01 pm DAWN OF THE DEAD ends. I caught the tail end of it after standing in line for 2 hours to see Romero. I devour what little pizza is left from my order. Kaveman was kind enough to pick me up another beer.
11:20 pm The very first screening ever of SANDWICH, the fourth BREAD film, introduced by director Kevin S. O’Brien.
It’s a blatant ripoff of Marv Newland’s BAMBI VS. GODZILLA (which showed earlier in one of the breaks), except it stars Thumper, Godzilla and Bread. I’m gonna spoil it…so if you’re against being spoiled on this 3 minute cinematic masterpiece…LOOK AWAY NOW!!!
Bread wins.
OK. End of the spoilers.
Believe it or not, this animated short was 12 years in the making! Why? Well, because Kevin S. O’Brien never got around to getting other people to do the work for him. That simple. O’Brien makes no excuses for his denigration of baked goods in his films. “Bread is evil. Bread is out to get you. Do not let the bread out of the bag.” If you have any inclination to buy a DVD of the BREAD films, e-mail O’Brien at secretbreadempire@hotmail.com. The current version is an “Unleavened Edition” with just the four films on it. Hopefully, by spring, they will have a more deluxe disc with full extras.
11:50 pm The screaming contest. My fucking head HURTS. This is beyond ear-piercing. We end up with the first-ever male runner up…not because he screams well…but because he just yells out stupid shit. Brilliant.
12:04 am It’s Sunday finally! And only 12+ hours left! One final beer. Gahan Wilson’s DINER, a nasty little short from the master of twisted comic strips about a roadside diner where the patrons end up on the menu. I’m a fan of Gahan Wilson’s stuff, so I’m on Cloud Nine.
12:18 am VERSUS! What more to say about it, other than it’s the butt-kickingest, ass-poundinest samurai zombie yakuza immortal sorcery, swords and gunplay movie EVER..? Great print, fun time.
2:15 am VERSUS is over and I have a fresh burst of energy (that I know won’t last) and the dregs of my beer from last call. OK, so I lied about the previous one being last. Sue me. 1/3 of the audience has already left.
2:24 am FREAKS is up next. Kaveman’s thinking of napping. I can’t say I blame him. It’s two hours past my bedtime and I’m feeling weak.
2:55 am I head out for my first dose of caffeine…a soda. Perhaps I’m doing better than I thought I would. I’m not too sleepy. Then again, it’s FREAKS, a movie that I just adore.
4:01 am PIECES is up next. I haven’t seen this one since I was a wee lad. We’re talking a LONG time ago! Eyes…drooping. MUST. NOT. SLEEP. We’re at about half capacity. More room to stretch. Gotta grab another soda.
4:25 am PIECES finally starts. God, I love shitty late 70s/early 80s slasher pics. For the ladies out there…I’ll have you know that there has been just as much or more penis and man ass as breastesses during the marathon this year. I guess horror is equal opportunity.
5:24 am Man, this movie sucks. I love it! I’ve been laughing so much, between the bad acting and the call-outs from the audience, that I’m totally awake.
5:42 am PIECES is over! I buy another soda. I fidget constantly now, and I’m not sure I’m really thinking coherently.
5:50 am Another trailer for a movie I absolutely MUST seek out. CABINET OF CALIGARI with Glynnis Johns. I’d never heard of this particular remake of CABINET OF DR. CALIGARI…however, I’ve heard samples of it at the beginning of NIN’s cover of “Get Down, Make Love”. Looks faboo.
6:04 am ICHI THE KILLER kicks off. This is a movie I’ve seen on import DVD and pretty much hated. Somehow, the hyperkinetic intensity and mechanical inhumanity translates better to the big screen. Every little thing I bitched about from the video worked beautifully in the theater. Maybe this is me being delusional and incoherent again.
6:48 am Barely awake, in spite of the wacky gross-out fest on screen. The caffeine is doing little to help. The color seems too vibrant for my brain to process. Again, I’m thinking I’m tired and not thinking right. I’m considering donuts and juice for breakfast, but I’m too lazy to get up. I took my shoes off at 6 am. It’s done wonders for my well-being, especially the simple act of curling my toes. However, I’m sure the people in front of me want to kill me. I bet my feet stink to high heavens.
7:13 am Feeling quite undead. Sleep psychosis sets in early. Got orange juice and more soda. Thinking about eating brains. Finally turned in my hall of fame ballot. Voted for George Romero.
7:37 am It occurs to me for a moment that I’m no longer certain where I am. I’m conscious, but not really aware. I have to look at the program for a minute before I remember I’m at the horror marathon. I think I’m missing snippets of time. My eyes remain open, but I’ll miss a moment or two of film. I realize I don’t need to eat brains. I’ve just been trying to formulate jokes about it. No need to snack on the skull of the cute chick in front of me. I think I’ve had an epiphany. I want to be a bawling, masturbating superhero.
8:11 am ICHI is over…and strangely made sense to me now. If that’s the case, I wonder about my sanity. The staff walks through the crowd handing out posters for VERSUS and ICHI. No free swag for me. Maybe I’m thinking coherently. Maybe I’m just not thinking sanely. The crowd was very much split on ICHI. Go figure.
8:17 am Fulci’s ZOMBIE, aka ZOMBIE 2, etc. fires up my neurons. It’s a VERY crisp print, perhaps too crisp. I just keep looking for continuity errors…like calling the New York City Harbor Patrol the Coast Guard or seeing that they didn’t fully make up a zombie because the picture’s too clear. Still, there’s plenty of gore and quite a few legitimate scares.
8:32 am I’m super-wired on caffeine. The dub is often hilarious. “We’ll find Matul. And that’s a promise.” Topless scuba diving in a thong is NEVER a bad idea. Even when there’s a shark and a zombie in the water. Yes, that’s right. It’s ZOMBIE VS. SHARK! Have they ever made a movie about an undead shark? I smell development deal! Dumb question…Is the Mad Scientist on an Island Film its own sub-genre?
9:12 am I decide on a healthy breakfast of nachos, chilli, orange juice and cute chick’s brain. Wait…I am NOT going to eat any brains. Nope. Not gonna do it.
9:42 am ZOMBIE is over! Thank fucking god. Need more caffeine.
9:55 am I am now officially nowhere near sleepy. In fact, I’m jittery and fidgety. It occurs to me, I’ve been fidgeting like mad for about two hours, now.
9:55 am Bauhaus announces that “Bela Lugosi’s Dead”. THE HUNGER is upon us! I forgot that Tony Scott directed this. I think I’d mistaken it for Adrian Lynne or something. In any case, I’m wrong. I love the soundtrack, too. I should buy it. Have I mentioned that I love lesbians?
11:03 am I am now officially a minion of the Secret Bread Empire. I received my credentials from director Kevin S. O’Brien himself after I purchased the Unleavened Edition BREAD DVD. (I’ve watched it since at home, and still love all four films to death)
11:32 am We’re WAY over time. But, THE HUNGER is over! Marathon MC Joe Neff gives thanks to the staff and attendees and inducts George Romero into the Marathon Hall of Fame (big surprise!).
11:44 am DEAD ALIVE! ZINGAYA!!! Kaveman showed back up from his nap to watch Peter Jackson’s splatter masterpiece (the bastid). What a lovely way to end a marathon. Father MacGruder got a HUGE round of applause, as well he should.
1:16 pm The marathon ends without fanfare. We’re all tired and need to go home. Unc has left the building.
For more information about Studio 35, visit www.studio35.com
For more information about the Drexel Theaters in Columbus, visit www.drexel.net
For more information about the BREAD movies, email the Secret Master at secretbreadempire@hotmail.com
Special thanks to Sherri (For convincing me to go. I wish you could have been there, too), Kaveman (For being the butt of so many jokes), Fishy and Supa (Where the fuck were you guys?) and to the staff of Studio 35 (For being gracious hosts, keeping my beer full and making sure most of the stuff was in frame).
