Hey folks, Harry here with a film for Foywonder to enjoy... hehehe... The mysterious Pyul MacTackle incinerates GRIND, which at today's screening of THIRTEEN that I attended, I was told... "sucked puppy balls" - whew. Here ya go...
Hey Harry,
Wish I could have made Camp Hack'N'Slash, but alas my boss is a total prick. Unfortunately for me not only doesn God hate me, but God REALLY hates me, replacing the chance to see Freddy Vs. Jason with chance to see Warner Brothers piece of shit attempt at winning over teens, GRIND.
Well, it was inevitible. Almost every major studio had to take a gigantic shit this summer and send it to theatres if only to make their other films look better by comparison. MGM sqeezed out Legally Blonde 2, Fox huffed and puffed over LXG, Paramount grunted out Tomb Raider 2, Sony/Revolution splashed out Gigli, New Line had a case of the runs with How to Deal, Disney sprayed the bowl with the Lizzie Maguire Movie and Universal Splattered out both 2 Fast 2 Furious and American Wedding. So it was only fitting that Warner Brothers threw their hat into the flushing arena with potentially the worst of the bunch, Grind.
Now what many of the aforementioned films had was some kind of potential, or at least a previously entertaining film to draw an audience from. Grind was obviously retarded from birth. This film has nothing, no I literally mean nothing, going for it. Written by a first time writer (but long time music supervisor) this film fails to have anything resembling a decent, coherant script to work from. This movie meanders from cliche to cliche without a single piece of funny material to carry it and manages not to simply borrow, but STEAL from films dozens of times better than this. Then take a first time director (and producer of at least a few good movies, including Donnie Darko) and give him this vapid, uninteresting script and let the pain begin. I expect both to return to their previous jobs next Monday morning.
I hope to God this film isn't the product of the Alan Horn era, but rather a misguided relic of the Lorenzo era at Warners, otherwise they are in some SERIOUS trouble. This is one of those films that you simply can't wait to end. In the immortal words of R. Lee Ermy "I didn't know they piled shit that high."
What really makes this film a cut above the rest in the summer race for the Razzies is it's actors. Oh lord how this cast sucks. I swear the Transpo for this movie had to be done with a short bus.
Most offensive is Joey Kern who has proven himself in his short career to actually have a bit of talent. Playing the funny as hell blonde stoner pulled over in Super Troopers and turning out a good performance in Cabin Fever, someone decided that rather than creating a character of his own for Grind, Joey should play Matthew McConaughey's brilliant character David Wooderson from Linklater's classic Dazed and Confused. Note for Note. Line for line. I shit you not. There's dialog in here pirated straight out of Dazed and Confused. He even tries to nail the delivery of McConaughey but fails miserably.
Then there's Vince Vieluf, who was quite amusing as Seth green's brother in Rat Race. Well, here he proves that it was most likely working around the likes of Seth Green that made him LOOK funny rather than actually being funny himself. Much like Grind itself, he plays a big, dumb brick who thinks he's funny but ultimately isn't.
Then there's Mike Vogel, who if he isn't any better in the remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre then he'll soon be working at a fast food restaurant near you and you can thank him personally for the pain his acting inflicted upon me. The same can also be said of Adam Brody who, while having a nice TV career including a stint on Gilmore Girls, will probably be back on TV fairly quickly.
And then there's Jason London. The other white London. Together with his twin brother Jeremy I think one might be able to milk enough talent to start a car, but that may be stretching it a bit. Now when you put one of the London brothers in the roll of the "ultra-cool" figure which the main characters are trying to impress, well frankly you've got bigger problems than just a bad script and a talentless director. You've got something that screams Direct to Video.
But what really mires this film in movie hell is all the cameos they throw at you in hopes of impressing you. Honestly, when was the last time you saw anything good that finished off the opening actor credits with "And Randy Quaid"? Well, how about a helping of Tom Green? Not enough for you, how about Bobcat Goldthwaite (looking more like an aging pre-op transexual than the comedian we all know and love) turing in his least funny performance yet? Wanna be really depressed, check out the angry dad coming to kick matthe..uh...Joey Kern's ass. I swear to god it's Kane Hodder. And if it really is, man, such a depressing turn to appear in this the same weekend that Freddy Vs. Jason opens. How the mighty has fallen. Throw in some nostalgia with Donald Gibb (Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds) and watch him actually, painfully, say "You want me to get rid of these NERDS?" and you've got the makings for some embarressing, painful movie experiences. But, lest we not forget, most of these appearances are uncredited. Maybe they had the sense to take a paycheck and ask to have their name removed. All of these people, Randy Quaid included (I can't believe I'm saying this), are much, much better than this.
Essentially four buddies decide to try and impress a world renown skater with their abilities. Too bad he's driving around the country on a national tour. You know what that means, right? Yes, Roadtrip cliche after roadtrip cliche in which everyone comes to grip with their problems that, well, many of which we aren't told about until they come to grips with them. I mean honestly, who would have guessed that one of the kids had parents in clown college and that his whole rebellion thing stems from that? Deep huh? And too bad one of the characters had to blow his college savings on the roadtrip right? All $750 of it. What college was he planning on going to? Jr. College is more expensive than that. Good thing everything works out in the end after all. That's literally the movie.
This movie fails to be funny at every joke it makes and continues to bore the audience through every last frame. The skating fails to be impressive and the soundtrack blows goats with the kind of music that just barely fails to make the cut at MTV. Even the studio rep walked out shaking his head. Expect this movie to die hard this weekend and never be heard from again. Except maybe at the Razzies. God, what a total waste of my time. And to think, with all the time I spent watching this garbage, I could have been hammering a nail into my skull. Sure it would have killed as many brain cells, but I don't think it would have hurt as much.
Painfully,
Pyul Mactackle
