Hello my fellow automatons, it is I, Harry, with the latest fit of Capone-powered rage. He doesn't rage often, hardly ever cusses in a review... This has to be a powerful amount of suckage to get Capone to blow his cap, but he seems to relatively HATE this movie passionately. Enjoy...
Hey Harry. Capone in Chicago here. I thought I’d take a little time out to warn the readership of a big turd that is scheduled to reach theatres August 15. It’s called UPTOWN GIRLS, and if I was taking a long plane ride someday and this film was the featured movie, I’d jump without a ‘chute. This film also holds a “special” place in my heart because at a test screening of it a few months back (when the film was titled MOLLY GUNN), I was actually removed from the line because the market rep for the movie recognized me, not as a film critic (thank God), but as someone who was a “professional audience member” at other screenings. I guess they wanted amateur audience members (whatever the fuck that is!). Rather than receive an opinion on the film from someone who appreciates films and goes out of his way to see as many in a given year as possible, they’d rather have dipshits that make it to film only when they’re free and only a couple times a year. The result of this skewed poll-taking method is this piece of shit movie that will tank royally, as it should. I’m not sure this film would have been capable of being saved in its original form, but I’m always willing to add my two cents. I know I’m preaching to the choir, folks, but damn, if these film studios really want to find ways to better their films, ask people that see a lot of films, not social misfits who almost never leave the house and when they do it’s only to restock their shelves will Cheese Doodles. Rant over!
New rank begin. UPTOWN GIRLS is a fucking mess. In her first film as the sole lead, Brittany Murphy (in full skank mode--bright blue eye shadow, black eyeliner, lipstick looking like it was applied with a paint roller, shredded clothes that look like they were ripped from the body of Stevie Nicks in her prime) is Molly Gunn, the daughter of a long-dead rock star who is still living off her father’s money and royalties in a sweet apartment that she has no idea how to take care of. Bill’s are piling up, but that’s okay because Molly has an accountant who takes care of her funds so she doesn’t have to. Oops, guess what? The accountant disappears, and Molly’s money goes with him. Suddenly, the rich princess is homeless, penniless, and clueless about where to live, what to do to make money, and how to live a life without possessions. Her friends (played by Marley Shelton and Murphy’s CLUELESS co-star Donald Adeosun Faison) try to help her by giving her a place to stay, but that doesn’t solve her money issues.
It just so happens that around this time Molly meets an up-and-coming singer-songwriter, she beds him, becomes his muse, and is quickly dumped by him because she’s as annoying as...well Brittany Murphy. It just so happens that Faison’s character works at a record label headed by Roma Schleine (Heather Locklear, who thankfully is rarely on screen). She has a young daughter named Ray (played by the only good thing I AM SAM had to offer, Dakota Fanning) who needs a nanny, having terrified previous nannies away. Ray and Molly, of course, hate each other at first, but Molly needs the job so badly she can’t quit, and Ray is mildly amused by Molly’s kinetic personality, and the two grow to tolerate each other’s eccentricities.
I suppose one could look at this as a movie about and filled with eccentrics, but even on that level, UPTOWN GIRLS is a failure. These aren’t genuine eccentrics. These are movie characters that bare little resemblance to real people or even fake people who we would ever care about. Locklear’s barely-there character is worthy of hate on every level, but I don’t think we’re supposed to really hate her. An attempt to make her likeable in the final minutes of the movie is a colossal failure and reeks of desperation. Oh, and did I mention that Ray’s father/Roma’s husband is in a coma, and his lifeless body is in the house with them. Yeah, that wouldn’t mess up a kid for life. Also, the rock star dude (I don’t even remember the actor’s name who plays him, nor will I ever need to) is so poorly written that the character isn’t even worth discussing. Molly’s friends add nothing to this story, except more trouble for her, which goes nowhere in teaching her responsibility or maturity.
Until I saw this film, I was a big big fan of director Boaz Yakin (FRESH, A PRICE ABOVE RUBIES, and REMEMBER THE TITANS), but this film puts him in the dog house. It lacks the style, grace, and continuity that I know he’s capable of. Hopefully in years to come, we’ll find out that the studio ripped the film from his hands and made this version without his input. We can hope. I didn’t think Brittany Murphy could get on my nerves more than she did in JUST MARRIED, but right now she is the queen of annoying in my book. And I like her in most things. She rocked in SPUN and DON’T SAY A WORD, but these attempts at appealing to the masses aren’t her bag, man. She’s a freak. Embrace that part of yourself, Brit, and stop trying to make the kiddies your best friend.
I think the lesson here is simple folks: if you kick me out of your screening and your movie sucks, I’m going to rip your heart out through your asshole. Love and kisses,
Capone
Taking it to the mats is my style - don't fuck with me!
