Hey folks, Harry here... Back with the winners of the latest Sideshow Toy & Sideshow/Weta Collectibles Contest! This time I got many really lame half-opened eye in Renn Faire costume entries in the STONEd TROLLS contest, and only one entry that I felt really got the "comedy" angle of this thing. Ok, I'll take the blame for being a bit lame in the creation of this particular contest... Hey, I can't be a genius EVERYTIME... I mean, the one two punch of the Marshmallow Balrog and the RingWraith on Pet contests... well, ya knew I was over-taxing my noodles and didn't put nearly enough thought into that last one. Don't worry... I'll come up with something fun for the T-X head from T3, which is the next giveaway!!!
The winner this time comes from Stow, Maine... which is 2195 miles from my place... which is way out there. In fact, it'd take me 33 hours and 46 minutes of non-stop legal driving to get there, so... I probably won't. But someone from the postal service will be delivering to a Jonathan Washer The Stone Trolls Statue. His entry reminded me of the photos I often saw in Famous Monsters of Filmland magazine of the oh-so eager kids making their own monsters and getting crazy with the gore. My god, the number of Aurora Models that passed through my hands as a dealer with this sort of Hammer detailing... well, the mind truly boggles. Also, I like that they decided to play with the "Stoned" thing in more ways than one. HOWEVER, I'm curious how Jonathan is going to return the favor to his partner trolls: Mike Remolona and Matt Repchak, who are playing of course Burat and Wulaug respectively. And that's Jonathan himself as Tuma! I love that this stone bleeds. There's something so Hammer about that. Imagine as the eons went by and the Stone cracked, blood dripped from the crevices... ME LIKE! Thus, you guys win! Great job in bringing more life to my STONEd TROLLS contest than I could muster!
Ah... remember how there was another contest for the Xtra Salty R. Lee Ermey doll? Well - my God, I never knew how many people were so pathetically stripped down of all their basic humanity before. I heard a story about a boy humiliated by his mother at his heartache and loss of a Spelling Bee contest - that has continued to haunt the boy turned man to this very day... BUT... Well frankly... Jeremy Milburn of Louisville, Kentucky was the top of the humiliation stack. And deservedly so, I might add. I just felt this was a great story about deserved and useful humiliation and degrading to change one's life for the better. This is a great story...
When I was 15, I was what you might call a Problem Child. I would beat up on smaller kids (most all of them, I was allready around 6 feet) and give teachers crap without mercy. I smoked grass, drank in school, I was just bad news. I got busted for a few little petty things, but I knew I was under 18, and I knew that meant only so much would happen to me.
So finally, I got into some real serious trouble because I caught a seat on the school bus on fire. I doused it with some kerosene and threw a match on it, then tried to push another kid onto it. I wouldve killed him. And to this today, I cant tell you why. But I can tell you why Im glad I didnt.
I had to go to juvie, but my apologetic mother figured a way that I could get a commuted sentance, Id have to go into a prision and take part in a Scared Straight program. I figured it would be a breeze, no big deal. I figured I could put a bunch of losers in cages in their place. I figured wrong.
I dont know if you ever saw that documentry Scared Straight, but its 10 times worse than that. They loaded a bunch of assholes like me together on a bus (no fires this time) and drove us 2 hours into a prision deep in the boonies. As soon as we got to the place and they took us in, this Prision Guard was yelling at us with In here, you do what we say! stuff Id heard from cops and such before, and I was a smartass and just said Shut up and show me the john, I need to take a piss. That got the JDs laughing, but the guard just blew up and screamed HOLD IT IN, BITCH!
I wasnt expecting that. That was my only act of defiance of the day.
So they line us up against this wall, and the convicts are all kind of across from us, screaming abuse at us while one guy at a time would sort of hold court, talk about how theyd raped young inmates and the like. One guy who looked just like Ed Asner made like he was gonna punch me and I cowared like a kitten on fire. I was shaking like a leaf.
These guys were bad people. This fat dude with a beard and 2 visible teeth told me he was going to shit in my mouth, and I had no reason to disbelieve him. Another guy said he was pretty sure he had raped my mother and I might be his son, so he had a right to spank me. I looked to the same guard from earlier thinking he might bail me out on that low blow, he just laughed. I think he had promised the convicts bonus conjucal visits if they were extra rough with me. And boy, were they ever.
The worst came when the biggest, blackest guy I ever saw asked me if I thought I was a good enough cocksucker to give him head. I didnt know what answer he wanted, so I just said yes. He screamed YOU MOTHERFUCKIN FAGGOT! and spit all over my face. Then he made me hug this fat kid that was on the bus with us who was in trouble for giving his cousin bad touches.
The convict then got his face right up in mine and told me to hit him. Everythings kind of a blur from there, I just kind of blacked out under pressure and let go of that piss I was holding. Down the leg of my levis, into my engineer boots.
Next thing I knew, I was sitting on a towel on the bus while my school principal and I waited for the rest of the class of losers to get done. Or rather for the inmates to get done with them.
Nobody said shit on the ride home. I couldnt keep any food down for a few days and I couldnt really sleep for weeks. I never even contemplated any further acts of badness. I know the fear of God; its behind prision walls.
If I dont deserve your damn doll for that, I dont know what qualifies.
Jeremy Milburn
Louisville KY
There ya have it. The end of these two contests. Next we have Sideshow Collectibles' T-X Head - Prop Replica. Now, who am I gonna give a little head to? Stay tuned!
