Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
Some spies write to us all the time. Others just pop up once in a blue moon, like today’s contributor, Chumquat. He reviewed the original FAST & THE FURIOUS for us, and now he’s had an early peek at the sequel.
I’ve never made it all the way through the first one. Bores me silly. But this one has Eva Mendes in it, and I believe I am officially in heat when it comes to anything involving Eva Mendes. She’s it. She’s that particular strain of cinematic catnip that renders me mongoloid at this particular moment. I fell for her head-over-heels in, of all things, ALL ABOUT THE BENJAMINS, in the moment where she hotwires a car for her surprised boyfriend, Mike Epps, then looks over at him and smiles and says, “Who’s your bitch?” She was so utterly in charge of the scene and so knowingly cartoon-sexy about it all that I just gotta give it up. I’ll see this movie just for her. I’ll see pretty much ANY movie just for her. KA-POW!!
Hey,
Last time I wrote in to this site, it was to review a kickass racing movie called The Fast and the Furious. I was pretty jazzed about it, citing concerns only with the way the movie ended (which it looks like they attempted to fix by adding a scene after the end credits).
So, yesterday, I got to see an advance screening of 2Fast 2Furious. I wasn't so sure this was going to be any good. Sure, I had hopes for Singleton (a once promising filmmaker), and I can't stand Vin Diesel anymore (I HATED XXX), so his absence didn't bother me, plus the trailers have that awesome "car-getting-sucked-under-trucks" thing that made me smile. So, I was just a little excited to see this.
It opens very similarly to the first movie, with gratuitous asses, tits and engines getting ready for some illegal street racing. Then, neon starts flooding the screen. You know, like that 80s crap neon. Then the neon tells us the movie's name. I disregard it. I think "ok, so that was a little stupid, but it has no bearing on how the rest of the movie is going to be". Oh, lawdy was I wrong. So, back to the scene, the race needs a fourth racer before it can start. So, Ludacris (nothing more than an eccentric side-character here) calls in Paul Walker and tells him to haul his ass over to the race. He does, and I get excited at the prospect of seeing another race like the first one in the first movie. Sure enough, I'm let down. The races aren't that good. The first one has a glut of close-ups on the racers' eyes, hands, feet, or anything other than a nice wide shot that allows you to understand what the Hell is going on. Where the fuck is David Ellis when you need him? I don't have a problem with using the extreme close-ups, but it seems like something you would save for a climactic race, or at least a race with something at stake other than money. Then the racers use their NOS, which for some reason is no longer cool in this movie. I didn't feel the speed the way I did with 1. It felt like all the NOS did was make everything outside the car extra-blurry and jittery. End result: the race isn't very exciting.
So, the rest of the plot involves Paul "Talent Vacum" Walker undoing the mistake of letting Diesel go at the end of the first movie. He has to go undercover with his buddy Roman (played by Tyrese) to bust a stereotypical rich-guy villain. Eva Mendes plays the hot undercover agent that rides the villain's dick, but looks like she wants some of Paul's. Their "love story" isn't developed or anything. They kiss for absolutely no reason in one scene, and never speak of it again. Not that I would have wanted a love story in this movie, judging by the quality of the rest of it. Anyway, the plot is an excuse for the filmmakers to show us "racing hijinks", which are boring and uninolving. I guess the audience is expected to think they're awesome, since it feels like the movie cuts to random characters screaming "yeah!" or "wahoo!" at every possible opportunity.
Now, the acting: I was never irritated by Paul Walker in the first one. He seemed kinda vacant, but the supporting characters were cool enough to balance it out (to me, I'm sure many of you disagree). This time out, I was astonished by how bad he was. The role doesn't require any kind of stretch or tic or disability. He just has to try and sound cool when he says the lines and he can't. Sure, I was bothered by the inclusion of "How do you like dem apples?" TWICE, since it makes me think of Good Will Hunting (which is immesuarably better than either F&F movie), but he can't even make it sound cool. Really bad. On the other side of things, Tyrese was very cool. He is very charismatic and has a good screen prescence. I read somewhere that he doesn't want to pursue acting because R&B is his dream, but I think he could do well for himself. He just needs to pair himself up with someone better than Walker. The villain (I think it was Cole Hauser) is like every made-for-TNT villain you've ever seen. He even has a group of greasy stereotypical Miami goons with foreign accents that get way too much screen time.
The action: This is why you see a movie like this. Unfortunately, I can't recommend any of it. If you want some sweet chases (without wading through a philosophy lesson), go to see The Italian Job. THAT'S a fun movie. Singleton likes to turn the camera upside down and flip it right side up in the middle of certain action sequences. This is irritating and unnecessary. Italian Job uses simple techniques and angles, but gets the job (har har!) done (it also has an excellent sense of LA geography during its climactic chase). So, while it's disappointing that this sequel doesn't deliver, at least there's a movie coming out that will compensate for it. Even the Hollywood Homicide car chase puts this movie to shame.
If I were a filmmaker, I would never want my name on garbage like this. The Omen of the neon title came true for me as the film unfolded. This is like a bad 80s action movie that deserved to go direct to video. Not worth your time, and this is coming from a fan of the first. I did go to see it with someone who had never bothered to see the first and he seemed indifferent to it. Don't see this.
T3 tidbit:
I talked to someone that saw T3. Yeah, I know they aren't screening it for anyone, but this is a trusted source involved with it, and I can't spill who. Apparently the first half suffers from poor writing (dialogue particularly), but the second half was "intense and emotionally draining". They wouldn't elaborate on that, but they seemed to like they way it affected them in the end.
Ok, unless they make a Furious3: Ultra Slim Fast, the Chumquat is done with you.
If you were expecting that he just surfaced to shill for the film... errrr... sure doesn’t look that way, does it? Thanks, Chumquat. Nicely done.
"Moriarty" out.
