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AICN COMICS! TalkBack League Of @$$Holes Reviews!!

Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.

You know ‘em. You love ‘em. And I’ve actually met Lizzybeth face to face now. WHO WANTS TO TOUCH ME?!?

Pssst. Hey. Yeah, you. Over here. I know what you need. Let your good buddy, Ambush Bug, hook you up with a generous serving of comic book reviews from the Talkback League of @$$holes. That’s right, here comes another set of reviews that are as inappropriate as a fart in an elevator. I’ve got Village Idiot on tap with a quick SUPERMAN fix that’ll blow your mind. I see you drooling for another CormorRANT directed at one of DC’s newest titles. And not only will I knock you on your drug-addled ass with a pair of reviews focusing on a new MARVEL miniseries and a modern version of a classic DC team-up, but I’ll juice you up with a Casting Couch that’ll leave you fiending for more, More, MORE! So sit back, scroll down, and enjoy these reviews. You know you want to. Go on. Give it a taste. It’ll make you feel good and make you super popular with all of the cool kids in school. Let’s start out this trip with a good Buzz.


X-WIVES #2

Written by Todd Van Dorn

Art by Lance Hooper

Published by MARVEL

Reviewed by Buzz Maverik

Am I the only one reading this?

I don't know how Van Dorn and Hooper were able to do it, but they have tied the second issue of their miniseries dealing with Scott Summers' romantic trials in perfectly with the continuity going on in Grant Morrison's X-MEN.

Scott's ex-wife, Emma Frost, is dead. You might remember from issue one that Scott married Emma on the rebound after wife numero uno, Jean Grey, found out about his affair with the aforementioned Emma. And you may also remember that Emma divorced Scott when he started avoiding psi-sex with her by wearing a foil hat to bed.

This issue basically covers a big party that Scott throws to celebrate Emma's death. He invites all his mutant buddies, but as usual, things don't work out for him. It's all "Scott, can I date Jean?" "No, Angel." "Scott, would you be pissed if I asked Jean out?" "Yes, Professor." "Ten demerits." "Scott, now that you and Jean are kaputski--." "Back off, Storm, I'm warning you."

He gets some unsolicited advice from Wolverine. "See, your whole problem with women is that yer a pussy, bub. Women already have one, so they don't need you." I guess this is a Mature Fuckin' Readers book, but I didn't see a label.

The evening comes to an end when the stripper turns out to be Mystique, who jumps out of the cake and starts blasting everyone. She's aided by party crashers/fellow villains turned anti-heroes, Sabretooth and Juggernaut, who is so blitzed he forgets he's reformed. The place is raided by Sentinels and Jean has to go down to the fortress in the mountain the next day to post bail for everyone…except Scott, who finds that his cell mate is the Blob. Wonder who the next X-Wife will be.


DOMINO #1

Writer: Joe Pruett

Art: Brian Stelfreeze

Publisher: MARVEL

Reviewer: Ambush Bug

There I was at the comics store, perusing this week’s selections. I saw a copy of DOMINO #1 on the shelf and was immediately awash with a resounding “ehhhhh.” You see, like many of you, I cringe when I think of Rob Liefeld’s creations. Cable, Deadpool, Youngblood, Shatterstar…the list of turd-tacular characters goes on and on. Sure, I have to admit I was an avid reader of X-FORCE. For a time, I bought into ol’ Rob’s creations and thought they were cool. I think I even wore me a pair of 501’s at one point in my life. I also avidly collected VALIANT comics and bought a Vanilla Ice CD, so you can see I was slightly deranged in those days. Coincidentally, I think I grew out of that Liefeld worshipping phase right about the same time I developed good taste.

So let’s just say I wasn’t elbowing people about the throat and shoulders to get to my copy of DOMINO #1. I did pick it up and gave it a glance. And I was surprised. I’ve always liked Brian Stelfreeze’s art. I remember gazing upon the covers of all of those old SHADOW OF THE BAT comics and wishing this guy would do more than just covers. If he’s been doing comic art, I haven’t seen it. So when I saw that Stelfreeze was doing the interiors as well as the covers to this miniseries, I decided to push aside my Liefeld prejudices and give the book a try.

And I’m glad I did. Art-wise, this book is top notch, from the silhouetted panels of Domino doing a little B&E to the kinetic detail of every twinkling glass-shard in the splash page of our heroine smashing though a window and firing upon a cadre of goons. Domino soars through the air with grace and ease and Stelfreeze’s art depicts this masterfully in the opening scenes. Stelfreeze’s style reminds me of the amazing work of Cully Hamner or Tony Harris from STARMAN and that is a great set of artists to be in the company of. He somehow gives substance and emotion to his characters, but uses very few lines to do it. Some artists go for the fine details, scribbling every possible wrinkle or crease and filling every panel with distracting etchings. But not Stelfreeze. This guy is choosy when and where he throws out the ink. His negative spaces speak as loudly as his central subjects. Stelfreeze knows when to leave the background empty and when to throw in detail. His use of patterns and minimal shading offer a unique landscape for our pale, spotted heroine to leap around in.

Right about now, you may be asking your monitor, “Art-blah, blah, blah-art, Bug. What about the story?” Well, that’s where this review teeters on the cliff of negativity. I don’t think it is a coincidence that this book was released on the eve of the premiere of MATRIX RELOADED. If you have seen that film, you are not in for any surprises. Both action scenes in this book look like direct swipes from Trinity’s action scenes from THE MATRIX and its sequel. They are well-done swipes - the action truly leaps from the page - but they are swipes nonetheless. Basically, Domino is Trinity with good luck powers and too much eyeliner on one eye. She flips and spins. Fires a pair of handguns as she soars through the air. Rappels down buildings and blows shit up. All of these are visually-gripping scenes, but I’ve seen this action before. The story’s sole purpose is to tie these visually appealing scenes together.

So far, it looks as if this mini-series will focus on the whereabouts of Domino’s missing mother. But it is not the story that is going to make me buy issue two. It’s the stunning artwork.


SUPERMAN: RED SON

Writer – Mark Millar

Penciller – Dave Johnson

Inker – Andrew Robinson

Published by DC Comics

Reviewed by Village Idiot

"And who, disguised as Clark Kent, mild-mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper, fights a never-ending battle for truth and justice."

And...?

It doesn’t feel right, does it? Maybe it’s a simple matter of syntax: clauses grouped into three items somehow sound more complete. More likely it’s because we’ve had the slogan drummed in our head so many times, it fits some kind of mental groove like an a priori memory. Whatever the case, most of us were expecting to read “truth, justice, and the American Way,” because, well, that’s the way it’s said. That’s the slogan. That’s Superman.

Well, maybe not. At least not according to Mark Millar.

For the Superman in RED SON fights a never-ending battle for truth, and for justice, but he does not fight for the American Way. And for Millar, at the end of the day, it doesn’t seem to matter.

RED SON is an “Elseworlds” story about little Kal-El rocketing not to the plains of Kansas, but to the corn fields of the Ukraine. Raised on a collective, he surfaces as a Soviet super-hero in the midst of the 1950’s Cold War, complete with a hammer and sickle shield on his chest, and prime spot on the Politburo dais. Although Superman is played-up publicly by Stalin as a tool of the state, “fighting a never-ending battle for Stalin, socialism, and the international expansion of the Warsaw pact,” he seems driven by something else:

“They called me a soldier, but that wasn’t true. I was never a soldier. A soldier always follows orders. A soldier knows and hates his enemy. A soldier only fights and dies for his own people... I just fought for what was right.”

Meanwhile, the United States answers this new super-weapon by calling upon the services of Dr. Lex Luthor, Super Genius. The arrogant Luthor creates an American clone of Superman, a grotesque and disfigured Bizarro-creature who bears a “US” inside his chest emblem, and who, like the original Bizarro, nobly and unexpectedly sacrifices himself for the sake of others. By the end of the book, Stalin dies, the shortages within the USSR mount, and Superman resolves to take these matters into his own hands by taking charge of Stalin’s empire.

Needless to say, the story had political undertones. Big, fat political undertones. Millar is well known for bringing his left-wing politics to the table in just about everything he writes, and naturally, a book about a Soviet Superman shouldn’t be expected to be different. I mean, come on. It’s a gimme.

On the other hand, he’s not as overwhelmingly obvious about it as he could be. Sure, having the people of the British Isles cheer Superman on as he admonishes Bizarro, telling him to “Go home and tell your president to mind his own affairs. Nobody wants you or your weapons here,” was kind of blatant (although the look on Bizarro’s face was absolutely heartbreaking). And I suppose we could make some inferences from the chumminess of the US government with the corrupt and ultimately sociopathic Luthor and the monstrosity he ultimately produces. And yes, there is a bit of soft-pedaling of authoritarian socialism and the realities of Sovietism: Millar makes no mention of the decades of purges, the Great Terror of 1937, or especially of Stalin’s Collectivization Famine, which would have hit Superman’s Ukrainian family pretty hard. (However, this kindness to the system may be coming to end. At the conclusion of the issue, Superman seems poised to artificially prop up the Soviet economy.)

But I think any real agenda to the story is in a broader premise; simply that the idea that Superman is fundamentally a product of the United States and of American values is something of an artificial conceit. Millar seems to be saying that, at his heart, Superman transcends national affiliation. In the story, Superman only obliquely alludes to one source for his values: his parents. Living amidst socialism either has no effect on him, or more likely, the socialism is expressed in a way that emphasizes the ideals of the ideology: egalitarianism and justice – the same ideas that can be extrapolated from the American Way. And in that sense, “truth, justice, and the American Way” is obsolete.

However, on the second read, and after ruminating about it while writing this review, I was able to pick up on an element that I had previously overlooked, an element that caused me to re-think my initial analysis. In RED SON, Superman is dashing and heroic, but he seems sad. Melancholy. Even his uniform is darkly hued. Perhaps this is simply a reflection of Russian stoicism; or maybe, just maybe this is the difference between the American and Soviet Way: a sense of optimism that is more vital, more genuine. But of course, I can’t imagine a sentiment like that coming from Mark Millar.

Thematic discussions aside, the question remains as to whether RED SON was a good comic book. The problem is that I realize that any objections I may have to the more political aspects of the book are going to color my appraisal. And to be honest, subtle as they may be, I couldn’t help objecting to the book’s overall gentle treatment of authoritarianism, and a cosmopolitanism that seems to come at the expense of what I feel to be a truer reflection of the United States, its values, and what those values mean to Superman. In other words, I found myself disappointed at regular intervals, and unable to get invested.

Beyond that, the story was periodically interesting, but not particularly fun. (Then again, not every story has to be fun.) There were some good character moments, like Luthor playing chess against several people while simultaneously teaching himself a new language; and make no mistake, Millar can write dialog; but the story just couldn’t maintain a connection. Much has been made of Dave Johnson’s art and how so much time and effort was put into it, but my reaction was mild. Some good panels here and there, including the aforementioned scene with Bizarro, but nothing as kinetic and alive as the work of Millar’s other partner, Bryan Hitch.

In the end, I just didn’t like it. Not enough bang for the buck, and as noted, not the kind of bang I enjoy for my buck. Or in this case, six bucks.


POWERS #31

Writer: Brian Michael Bendis

Artist: Michael Avon Oeming

Publisher: Image Comics

Reviewed by Cormorant

Brian Bendis writes an amusing intro to the letters page of POWERS #31, imagining a scenario decades down the line in which his fans have abandoned him and his awards have been stripped away…all because of this latest issue. It’s an experimental story, y’see, with Bendis acknowledging via his tongue-in-cheek afterword that some fans are gonna have a bitch of a time understanding why he did it. He’s asking that they have faith, that they stick around to see where he’s going with it, even as he imagines fans dismissing the issue as little more than “fucking masturbating monkey people.”

Yes, you read that right!

Remember the opening of Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY? The “Dawn of Man” sequence with primitive hominids destined to one day evolve into man? Bendis clearly does, as he leaves behind POWERS’ standard “cops meet capes” premise for the issue to explore that same prehistoric era on his own terms. In fact, as has been a Bendis weakness in the past, he flaunts his influences perhaps too boldly, outright swiping Kubrick’s “Dawn of Man” titling on the first page and following with an almost precise visual from 2001 – the ape-like hominids clustered around a pool of water. Why, there’s even an attack by a prehistoric cat within a few pages! No black monoliths, though, which may save Bendis from a nasty haunting by Kubrick. Once Bendis gets past the cutesy homages, however, he does have an original story to tell, and even though I lost interest in the series well over a year ago, my fondness for novelty (and prehistoric drama like the movie THE QUEST FOR FIRE) compelled me to check this issue out. What I found was actually pretty interesting…

POWERS #31 is told without a word of English. It’s all grunts, growls, and visual pantomime from the tribe of apemen, to which my first reaction is, “Score one for Bendis’s cajones.” Of course, the real weight of the issue is on artist Michael Avon Oeming to tell Bendis’s whacked-out story purely through visuals. It’s a fable of sorts, a tale of the earliest “powers” in his world, two rival alpha males among the hominid tribe. You’ve got the apeman with the streak of white hair running across his head, and he’s the one who (rather explicitly) wins the affections of the tribe’s resident she-ape. I’d call him the first “superhero,” simply because he’s not the brutal aggressor that his red-striped rival turns out to be, but interestingly, he doesn’t actually do anything heroic. Red-stripe apeman, on the other hand, might be a domineering bastard who tries to force himself on the she-ape, but I can’t quite call him a supervillain because he’s also the one who protects the tribe when a prehistoric wildcat comes prowling for lunch. In fact, I suppose Red-Stripe’s actions might be another oblique homage to 2001’s opening, in which violence, however ugly, is shown as a vital step in man’s evolution.

What I do know is that the rivalry between the two alpha males leads to what can only be described as the world’s first superhero/supervillain “slug-fest,” rendered with energy and brutality to spare by Mike Oeming. I was especially impressed with the variety of facial expressions Oeming gave these primates - from terror to jealousy to pure, feral rage - making them readily identifiable to the reader. I did find a few panel-to-panel actions unclear, even on re-reading, but for the most part, the story is eminently readable as long as you don’t just breeze through it thinking, “Huh. Monkeys.”

In short, while I can’t really judge how it’ll fit into the big scheme of POWERS yet, and I don’t have enough interest in the series to stay tuned, I found the issue to be a worthy experiment. I was even disappointed to see the “next issue” cover showing a medieval setting, suggesting that the tale of “masturbating monkey people” has served its purpose and is likely to be finished. I’d honestly love to have seen Bendis pull off one of his standard five or six issue story arcs using the prehistoric setting and purely visual storytelling. Granted, POWERS probably isn’t the place for such an extended high-concept, but maybe he’ll get the bug to follow it up one day.

My only serious complaint beyond the board-over-the-head homage in the opening is the rough lettering style. I know what you’re thinking – cavemen grunts should be lettered in a rough-hewn style, dumbass! Ah, but these letters and the word balloons surrounding them actually look pixilated, which doesn’t suggest “primitive” to me so much as “distracting computer lettering cop-out.” It’s just a shame because it slightly dampens my enthusiasm for the otherwise very appealing cartooning of Oeming and the issue’s rich earth-tone coloring.

Final judgment: POWERS readers are already buying the book (or perhaps running in terror after this issue), so this review is really for folks who don’t read it. I’m suggesting picking up the issue simply because it succeeds as a bold and visually dynamic experiment. Like good art? Like tales told visually? Prehistoric adventure? Monkey-people hoppin’ around with all their monkey-bits dangling? Then you might like this story. Bendis took a chance, and at least in this reader’s eyes - viewing the issue as a standalone - it paid off.


BLACK CIRCLE: URBAN KNIGHTS 6 part Crossover

GREEN ARROW #23-25

Writer: Ben Raab

GREEN LANTERN #162-164

Writer: Judd Winick

Artist: Charlie Adlard

Publisher: DC Comics

Reviewer: Ambush Bug

I got into comics a bit late for the old GREEN LANTERN/GREEN ARROW team-ups. I remember reading a few reprinted tales of trips across the country and sidekicks with heroin problems. These stories were powerful because they not only highlighted one of the best friendships in comics, but these stories talked about hard-hitting issues like drugs and race relations. They were stories ripped from the headlines. They were ground-breaking tales that talked about things that were often consciously overlooked or purposely swept under the rug. You had ultra-liberal bowman, Ollie Queen, ragging and tagging along with Hal Jordan, a cosmic cop who strived for order in the universe. There was a great dynamic between the two characters. Debates were argued. Characters were developed. Good stories were told.

During the ass-end of GREEN ARROW’s previous series, Ron Marz and Chuck Dixon attempted to re-visit the GA/GL team-up with a new set of heroes with the same names. Connor Hawke took up the mantle of Green Arrow when Ollie seemingly died in a plane crash. Kyle Rayner was given the green ring of power when Hal lost his mind and tried to destroy the universe. Both heroes had huge legacies to live up to and they decided to become friends simply because the friendship between the Arrow and the Lantern was the stuff of legend. I loved these stories because they mapped out the beginning of a great friendship. Kyle was a guy who acted first and occasionally used his brain later. Connor was the flip side, meticulously and carefully considering every option before jumping into battle. Kyle relied on power. Connor on skill. The two characters may not have tackled the tough topics of their predecessors, but I thought the friendship that grew from those adventurers was the start of something really cool.

And then Ollie Queen was brought back to life.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve been an Arrowhead from way back. I used to buy back issues of JLA solely for the reason that Ollie appeared on the cover. I had a bow and arrow as a kid and lost quite a few arrows trying to develop my skills as an archer with my suction cup tips. I know the sting of the bowstring on my unprotected wrist, and to this day, sport a short goatee in honor of one of my favorite heroes. Yep, I like Ollie. But he was annoying as hell during this crossover.

Judd Winick and Ben Raab attempt to rekindle the GA/GL relationship for the new millennium in the crossover that has been going on for the last month in GREEN ARROW and GREEN LANTERN. The story begins with Kyle busting up a drug deal in New York and finding out the dealers are aliens just before they teleport away. Kyle follows the teleporter’s energy trail to Star City, stomping ground of one newly resurrected archer, Ollie Queen. The two have words. Kyle thinks Ollie is a stubborn old relic unwilling to give him the credit Kyle thinks he deserves. Ollie thinks Kyle is an snot-nosed upstart, not fit to wear the shoes Hal once filled. There’s a lot of fighting, a lot of arguing, a lot of bickering and one-shots. And of course, the two are thrown into a situation with a group of intergalactic gangsters where they must work together to survive or they will surely perish.

One problem I had with this entire storyline is the scope of the tale. I know this is the day and age where bigger is better. Where intricate themes are patiently unfolded throughout gigantic stories. I know any modern tale of any weight at all during this time of the all-mighty buck must be long enough to be stretched paper thin and compiled in the eventual trade paperback released two weeks after the initial distribution. The problem is that there really isn’t six issues of material going on between parts one and six of this crossover. Here’s a synopsis:

Part one—Kyle and Ollie fight aliens in their respective towns. Part two—Kyle and Ollie meet, bicker, and fight. Part three—Kyle and Ollie bicker and fight and then fight some aliens. Part four—more bickering and fighting. Enter Abin Sur’s son; who proceeds to watch Ollie and Kyle bicker and fight. Part five—Abin Sur’s son twirls his mustache and reveals that he is the bad guy, even though we have known this since the beginning of the story. Oh, and Kyle and Ollie bicker and fight. Part six—the conclusion where Kyle and Ollie bicker and fight and then fight aliens and then bicker some more.

The arguments are inane after a while. I understand that these guys don’t see eye to eye, but it seems as if Winick and Raab don’t see eye to eye either because, from one issue to the next, Ollie and Kyle are saying the exact same things to each other over and over. This type of redundancy is what destroys most modern comics because all the writers are thinking about is stretching out the story to fit into a beefy trade. They don’t even consider how it slaughters the entire flow of the narrative.

The original Hard Traveling Heroes worked because it was a journey where two characters went on a trip and got to know one another. The second team-up with the newies got together out of respect for tradition and a friendship developed. Both of these team-ups were special in that the characters got to know a little about themselves as they witnessed the differences they had from one another. The latest GA/GL team-up was nothing but a six issue argument.

I don’t really feel like anything was accomplished with this so-called “Classic in the Making” tale. Nothing that happens during the altercation with the aliens would lead me to believe any of the “life lessons” both Kyle and Ollie seemed to have learned at the end of this story. Everything leads up to the final scene in a bar. And it’s a nice scene. Winick writes a really heart-warming conversation between Ollie and Kyle about fathers and sons, about living up to dreams and the passing the torch. This quiet little scene was the highlight of this story for me. They didn’t need gangster aliens or space armadas or teleporter rays. All of that was just filler. Bad filler. This crossover may have been much better if there were more of these “real” moments and less attempts to make the story into something monumental.

I really liked Charlie Adlard’s art throughout this entire storyline. His simple, thick lines added a bit of realism to this otherwise fantastical story. I especially liked the costume design Adlard did on Abin Sur’s son; he looks like a cross between Abin Sur and Sinestro. My only problem was with the way he drew Green Arrow as he was pulling back his bow. It just looked awkward, as if Adlard wasn’t sure where to place the arms and how to position the bow. For some reason, Ollie looked out of place as an archer; an unforgivable sin in a Green Arrow story.

The original GA/GL team-up was such a classic because it took real situations and depicted the characters fantastically. There were human problems and emotions present. Real world problems were highlighted because these larger than life characters were experiencing them. This crossover wasted way too much time on out of this world extravaganzas and forgot about the human factor that draws people into a good story. Winick’s final scene in the bar shows that he is capable of good characterization. It’s too bad that it took six issues to get this one worthy scene though.


HUMAN DEFENSE CORPS #1 (of 6)

Writer: Ty Templeton

Artist: Clement Suave Jr.

Publisher: DC Comics

Reviewed by Cormorant

Hey…that was a cool read! What’s more it was a cool read from a book whose premise – the formation of an elite military unit to battle aliens in the DC Universe – didn’t seem particularly inspired to me. That it won me over, and was in fact my favorite read of the week, is a testament to good old-fashioned execution. Probably shouldn’t have surprised me. Writer Ty Templeton is hardly a name-in-lights superstar, but I followed his run on the various comics based on the Batman cartoon in the 90’s, and those stories were never short of amazing. In fact, I was disappointed that so many dismissed them in favor of the in-continuity Batman comics, because Templeton’s work trumped the hell out of the mainstream stuff. For my money, Templeton’s run is the best extended run of Batman stories ever. Yeah, you heard me. Best ever, baby.

Now stop frothing at the mouth. I won’t be making those kind of claims about HUMAN DEFENSE CORPS – not when it’s only one issue into a six issue series - but folks who don’t know Templeton’s work need to know that the guy’s got serious chops.

HUMAN DEFENSE CORPS opens with a soldier’s memory of an alien invasion of the Earth, and the innocence-shattering realization he had that one in three soldiers on the battlefield just freeze up. The flashback is a reference to DC’s big crossover event of the late 80’s, INVASION!, and it’s the kind of superhero continuity I dig. See, INVASION! was actually riddled with the same screw-ups that all supehero crossovers suffer from, but as recalled in chaotic flashback through the eyes of a grunt soldier, I got only a sense of menace from it with none of the accompanying crossover schlock. The soldier – series’ lead, Montgomery Kelly – even mentions that the troops had been holding the line waiting for the Justice League, but Templeton wisely refrains from dating the story by actually showing the Justice League of the era - that having been the ultra-wacky “Justice League International.” These are small things, but worth mentioning because they perfectly illustrate using continuity as a strength and avoiding its various pitfalls.

And it only takes up the first two pages of the book. Shortly thereafter we learn that the big alien invasion paved the way for the Human Defense Corps, a sixth military branch created to match up against alien forces on those occasions when Superman and his pals are taking a powder. It’s comprised exclusively of the guys who didn’t freeze up – only decorated veterans of alien campaigns. Sure the recruitment posters are cheesy as hell (“They are coming back. Are you ready?”), but as Kelly notes, “Thank God the Navy’s are worse.” Templeton then runs a few key recruits past the reader in the sketchy-but-cool tradition of the best military movies. It’s a cliché, but it always wins me over when it’s done right, and Templeton does it right. Then, bristling with the latest hi-tech weaponry and anti-alien strategy (think STARSHIP TROOPERS the book, not STARSHIP TROOPERS the movie), the eager, young badasses head off for their first mission. Will it be too much of a spoiler if I say that things don’t go as expected?

I didn’t think so.

What’s important is that what does happen is suspenseful, bizarre, and peppered with cool moments. Case in point: during a recon mission in a former Soviet country where rebel forces may have allied with aliens, one of the HDC troops gets overzealous with a “use only in emergencies” pulser rifle and just blasts the living shit out of some unlucky guerillas who attack them. It’s a great scene, conveying both a “don’t screw with us” attitude that even armchair pacifists have to agree is cool, awhile simultaneously revealing that this elite squad isn’t nearly as disciplined as it needs to be. The scene’s typical of the story, which packs a punch at every turn and left me eager for more.

I’m a little more lukewarm on the art. It’s technically quite good, with clearcut storytelling, distinctive character designs, and lotsa nice detail on all the military gear. Newcomer Clement Suave Jr. (great name!) knows his stuff is definitely going places, but he’s just a little too clean-line for a gritty military story. His art is “Chris Sprouse” when the story needed a “Joe Kubert.”

Final judgment: Like I said, a very cool read. It would have been so easy for this to be a by-the-numbers book that had a high-concept and nothing else, but Templeton’s not having it. His story mixes realism and the wild side of the DC Universe in the same smart and tough manner of one of my 80’s favorites, John Ostrander’s SUICIDE SQUAD. Anyone who read that series will know that’s a pretty serious compliment.

According to DC’s promotions, the remaining issues will follow Kelly’s tour of duty through exotic locales including the Moon, Apokolips (yay!), and yes, the fiery pits of HELL itself. Seems to me like Templeton’s gonna have a right good time with the DC playground, so I’m enlisting and you folks should too. Ya damn hippies.


@$$HOLE CASTING COUCH

Hey folks, Ambush Bug back again with another edition of the @$$hole Casting Couch. You may have noticed that the Couch has been missing for the last few weeks. Although I can’t go into specifics due to the court order, I can say that after a particularly raucous shindig at @-Hole HQ, I had to send the old Couch out to be steam cleaned. I’m not exactly sure what happened that night, but I had to buy some new pillows and our mascot, Schlepy the Deficating Monkey, and Jon Quixote are no longer speaking to one another. But let’s get back to the dream casting, shall we?

I AM IRON MAN!!!! Man, do I want to hear those words screaming in a robotic voice to the tune of Black Sabbath’s anvil-heavy guitar from the loud speakers of my local cineplex. This week we set our sights on one of MARVEL’s oldest and coolest properties, IRON MAN. I have to say that out of all of the comic book characters, Tony Stark has to be my favorite. He is simply…THE man. There isn’t a problem he can’t fix with a few gears, a welding torch, and some metal plating. Through alcohol addiction, heart attacks, bad girlfriends, and armor clad battles, Tony has proven himself to be a real survivor and a true badass even though he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. His comic may have seen better days lately, but I’m sure that in the right hands, an IRON MAN movie would be a winner.

So who you pick to direct this blockbuster? Well, if it were up to me—and in this column, it is—I would go with a director who is able to delve into the moral minutia of addiction and the struggle between man and machine, but also be technically savvy enough to pull off the high octane action and futuristic technology required for an IRON MAN flick. I’d go with the man behind ROBOCOP, STARSHIP TROOPERS, and THE HOLLOW MAN. Sure, Paul Verhoven’s films may have their problems, but this guy can combine cutting edge special effects with drama and action and add a bit of social commentary to boot and make it all worth watching.

I know everyone wants to see Tony Stark stumbling over Jarvis and puking into his helmet on the silver screen, but I think we should hold off on the alcohol addiction for the first film that, if done correctly, should spawn a sequel or two. I’d go with a mix of IRON MAN’s origin and the ARMOR WARS saga. Tony would start out as a cocky and morally ambiguous inventor who has no problem creating weapons and supplying them to the highest bidder. Throughout the course of the film, Stark would fall victim to his own technology, forcing him to wear an armored chest plate to save his life. Meanwhile, the technology Tony invented ends up in the hands of rival businessman Justin Hammer and his armored mercenaries, who are out to bring down Stark Industries at all costs. This forces Tony to upgrade his armor, battle his own creations, and realize how truly devastating technology can be when used irresponsibly. I’d throw in some hints of alcoholism, but save that story for a sequel.

For years, I’ve heard rumors that Tom Cruise is set to don the red and gold armor. He’s not a bad choice, but since he seems to be busy doing needless MISSION IMPOSSIBLE sequels and Spielberg pics, let’s set our sights on other prospects. But whatever you do, don’t you dare say Leo DiCaprio. Are you freaking kidding me? Remember how bad those stories of a teen Tony Stark were? No. Thank. Yew. I want Tony to be a hero with some maturity. There’s gotta be someone that can do the role of my favorite hero some justice. Hey, waitaminnit, is that Kiefer Sutherland squatting over there? This guy is not only a superb actor, but is able to be both charismatic and intense at the drop of a hat. Dye his hair black and give him a schwanky little goatee and Kiefer would bring Tony Stark to cinematic life.

Tony’s right hand man and pilot, Jim “Rhodey” Rhodes, is the best friend a guy like Stark could ever have. He’s the one who is not afraid to tell it like it is and put Stark in his place when his ambition and addictive personality takes over. Jamie Foxx would be perfect for this role that requires attitude, humor, and heart.

Tony’s Girl Friday, Pepper Potts, has always been there in a pinch. I’d cast the spunky and sassy Bridget Fonda for this part.

Of course, we need some armored villains for Iron Man to tussle with. I’d love to see Stark run the gauntlet against mercenaries using his deadliest creations for evil. Techno-baddies like Whirlwind, Whiplash, The Melter, The Unicorn, and The Blizzard would give Iron Man a run for his money throughout the film in a ball-walling, special effects extravaganza. We don’t really need big names for these parts, just talented stunt men and a whole lot of CGI.

Towards the end of Tony’s quest to take down his technology gone awry would be the baddest of the baddies, The Spymaster. This walking amalgamation of martial arts and techno-weaponry would run Tony through the wringer with electro-nunchakas, energy blades, and electrified roundhouse kicks. I’d go with the Martial Arts mastery of Jet Li to flesh out this meaty role of lead villain.

Spymaster would soften Tony up for the man behind it all to administer the final blow. Justin Hammer is one mean sumbitch. He may be old and crotchety, but what he lacks in muscle, he makes up in hatred for Stark. I’d cast ubercool and under-used actor Roy Scheider for the part of the lead baddie in this one. I know it was Obediah Stane behind the scenes of the ARMOR WARS, but Hammer is too much of a rat bastard not to be used in an IRON MAN film. The final battle between Iron Man and Hammer in the Iron Monger armor would be one for the record books.

So there you have it. Another dream casting courtesy of Your Friendly Neighborhood Ambush Bug. As always, I invite you all to agree, disagree, tear me a new one, or put together your own cast. I’m sure every @$$hole in the Talkbacks has an opinion or two. Let ‘em rip.

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