Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
... sure ain’t this one.
I’m running this because I’m frankly amazed that someone took the time to write in with a review for POKEMON HEROES. This means someone saw POKEMON HEROES. On purpose.
Good afternoon, Moriarty.
Here I am, Addison DeWitt, with another review of a soon to be cinematic classic that has sadly been neglected on your site. I am, of course, talking about Pokemon Heroes, the fifth entry in the Pokemon infinitology. Right now, you're asking yourself one of two things: Why am I still reading this - or - What qualifies Addison to write a review of Pokemon Heroes.
Well, as for the first question, I can't help you, as for the second, I've seen the other four Pokemon movies, and to add to that, I've seen every other movie based on a videogame ever. That's fifteen movies (and that does include Ecks vs Sever and does not include The Wizard, but I've seen that too). Simply put, Pokemon Heroes is the best Pokemon movie yet and numbers among the best videogame movies ever made. That said, it still sucks.
Why it's called Pokemon Heroes is beyond me. Sure, the regular cast of Pokemon are the heroes, but they don't do anything more heroic than what they usually do on the show. Speaking of the show, this movie, like its predecessors, could have fit into a half hour. But they decided to put a lot of Pokemon frolicking scenes and endless chase sequences to fill out its seventy, yes, seventy, minutes. It still feels long.
Every Pokemon movie to date has revolved around some villain trying to capture a mythical pokemon. Why the heroes consider this immoral, since that's what they do to Pokemon themselves every episode has never been explained. Pokemon Heroes ups the ante and has the villains also trying to steal a jewel and using it in conjunciton with the power of the mythical Pokemon to power some earth ruling weapon. Or something. The two new villains, Annie and Oakley (haw haw!) sex up the joint, with their bare midriffs and breasts big enough to make me question the movie's G rating. They were probably the most enjoyable part of the movie, as they seemed a departure from the usually bland Pokemon world, and everything they did was accompanied by high tech spy gadgets and a suitably James Bond-esque score.
They still sucked though.
So, anyway, the two of them kidnap the Pokemon, steal the jewel, and fire up the weapon. If only they heeded the warning that if you use that weapon, a giant tidal wave will come to destroy the town, weapon and all. No one explains why someone would build a weapon that would destroy itself and the town it's in after fifteen minutes of use. The two mythical Pokemon end up saving the town, but one of them dies. I guess that's why it's called Heroes. That or the Japanese name didn't make any sense in English and that's all they could come up with. But even when he dies, he still ends up frolicking with the still alive Pokemon, just like he did throughout the whole movie, so it didn't seem like much of a sacrifice.
This movie also, to my knowledge, features the first romance between a Pokemon and a human. There is even a Pokemon on human kiss at the end. Again, I question the G rating.
Well, that's it. I apologize if this review isn't interesting enough to make it to the site, I just felt I should share the self imposed misery I went through yesterday evening with someone.
Sincerely,
Addison DeWitt
Addison, you are a brave man, and should probably get your skull examined.
"Moriarty" out.
