Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
I missed these guys in the week I was away. One of my simple pleasures, week in and week out, is reading this column before anyone else. Nice to be back on the job in time for this morning’s excellent edition:
Here's what critics are saying about the Talkback League of @$$holes and their comic book reviews this week:
...week after week, the TL@ share their genius with us on AICN. I, for one, am grateful! -- Charles Du Gaul, NEWSWEEK.
...I read these critics and I'm jealous! Why can't I review comics the way they do? -- Aleister Crowley, THE WALL STREET JOURNAL.
...they have created a new foundation for the appreciation of the American comic book. -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, THE NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF COMIC BOOKS.
...read the @$$holes, memorize their reviews and live by them. -- John Holmes, CRAWDADDY.
...Never make friends with @$$holes. -- Lester Bangs, CREEM MAGAZINE.
Title: ZATANNA: EVERYDAY MAGIC
Writer: Paul Dini
Artist: Rick Mays
Publisher: DC Comics
Reviewer: hsubmA guB
To those of you who are sick of all of the brouhaha that often takes place within your typical @$$hole review, I have decided to appease the call for us to cut to the chase and give a straightforward review. The following is your typical @-hole review with an italicized, “no frills” summary tacked on for those unwilling to sift through the usual @$$y goodness. Of course, I’m an @$$hole, so I can’t make it too easy for you guys.
To me, Zatanna is one of the sexiest characters in comics. Sure some may like Wonder Woman, with those hooker boots and the whole bondage thing. ynA emit I teg ot etirw eht sdrow rekooh stoob, m’I yppah. Or maybe She-Hulk is your thing with those big…muscles she has. Others may like them on the hirsute side and go for Tigra or Catwoman. For me, though, it’s Zatanna. Maybe it’s the hip boots and fishnets. Maybe it’s the tiny bow tie and the way she cutely casts those backwards spells. Or maybe it’s the sassy way she tilts that top hat to the side of her head. haeY, s’taht ti. s’tI eht pot tah. yxesssS. Now, I’m not one of those guys who drool over four colored pics of scantily clad women. I prefer substance of story over that sort of thing. But if I had to choose which heroine I would most like to be Mrs. Ambush Bug, let’s just say Zee is at the top of the list. sihT guB yllaer sdeen ot teg tuo erom netfo.
So, of course, I was excited when I heard my little comic book cutie was going to be starring in her own VERTIGO one-shot. The man behind the classic BATMAN: MAD LOVE, Paul Dini, tells us a tale about the everyday, real life trials and tribulations of an everyday girl who just so happens to be a mistress of magic. luaP iniD = doog retirw. In EVERYDAY MAGIC, Dini writes Zatanna as a pro when it comes to performing on the stage and casting spells, but a rank amateur when it comes to managing her personal life. This is no squeaky clean goddess or prim and proper Pollyanna like the other heroines in the DCU. Zatanna dates. She gets laid. She fucks up. She can levitate an elephant, but can’t hold a steady relationship. yllaniF, ym aixelsyd si doog rof gnihtemos. In less capable hands, Zee would come off as a slut or a witch, but Dini adds enough depth to the character to make her sympathetic. I felt sorry for her when she tried to form bonds with men, only to have said bonds shatter due to her role as a super heroine / stage performer / mistress of mysticism. I laughed with her as she zapped smooth talking Rico Suaves who tried their lame pick-up lines in her in bars. Dini paints Zatanna as a three-dimensional character who isn’t perfect like Wonder Woman or bitchy like Power Girl or slutty like Catwoman. hguohtlA, I t’ndluow worht yna fo meht tuo fo deb rof gnitae srekcarc. Dini writes a Zatanna who is less than perfect which makes her all too real and much more interesting to this reader.
I’ve been a big fan of Rick Mays ever since he drew a few issues of NOMAD a long time ago. mA I eht ylno eno ohw daer DAMON? sseuG os. I guess he is better know for his work on KABUKI and the ARSENAL miniseries. Mays’ Kewpie Doll style is infectious. He makes everyone extremely cute looking with large doe eyes and expressive, manga-esque mouths. diD ouy wonk racecar si delleps eht emas sdrawrof dna sdrawkcab? lleW, did ay? Since this is a light tale, the art seems fitting for this book. Zatanna has never looked so cute and sultry at the same time. Mays’ bubble effect that goes along with Zee’s magic is a nice way to personalize her powers. My only complaint is that Mays’ characters always look cute and happy, even when they are supposed to be pissed off or tearful. ohW dessip ffo eeZ? ll’I ezirediom me’. But this is only a minor complaint for an otherwise beautifully rendered story. And I can’t not mention the poster-worthy cover by Brian Bolland, depicting a leggy Zee in all her glory. Great art from cover to cover. guB sgid eht tra.
Dini has really fleshed out a character who has been on the back burner for quite a while. It’s good to see Zee back in the spotlight and not used as some go-to character when the JLA has an adventure requiring a mage. gniognO ANNATAZ seires, esaelp. MARVEL MAX take note. This is the way to make adult comics. Sure they use the word fuck every now and then. Sure the lead character has sex. But it’s never gratuitous and much more entertaining as a result. noitalsnarT: LEVRAM XAM = ypoop, OGITREV = yvoorg. ZATANNA: EVERYDAY MAGIC is a classic and sophisticated look at a larger than life superpowered character who is made more human by having her recognize that she has faults her magic can’t cast away and allowing her to accept that that is who she is. I would recommend this book to men, women, comic readers, and non-comic readers alike. ohW ma I gniddik? daeR ti, syug.
TOP TEN BOOK 2 (TPB)
Written by Alan Moore
Art by Gene Ha and Zander Cannon
Published by America's Best Comics / WildStorm / DC
As you all know, my brother Spook Maverik works for the CIA, developing mind altering drugs to test on unsuspecting human guinea pigs. So when he handed me that tumbler of scotch, I probably shouldn't have just shot it down. But, hey, it was liquor, alright! Spook immediately began to giggle. It turns out that he dosed me with a new drug called Maybe Baby that is ideally supposed to allow troops on the battlefield to instantly see an array of the probabilities they face. Instead, it has caused everyone who has tried it, to date, to experience "flashforwards" and see strange alternate futures. I was no exception.
The following is a transcript of a reality T.V. show that could possibly air about one year from now. It is called AMERICAN COMIC BOOK.
GEORGE: "Hello, I'm George Dubya Bush, former President of the United States, and this is American Comic Book. With me are my co-hosts, former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein --"
SADDAM: "My life is hell!"
GEORGE: "...and former British Prime Minister Tony Blair."
TONY: " 'Allo, luvs."
GEORGE: "It's been about nine months since the three of us lost our jobs, and to be blunt, this is the best gig we could get. Fuckin' fickle collective will o' the people o' three nations! Anyway, we might as well get this over with. This week, we reviewed the trade paperback TOP TEN BOOK 2. It originally came out about a year ago, but the three of us just now read it because we were kind of busy back then."
TONY: "Alan Moore, that git! A bloody right bastard bloke he is!"
SADDAM: "It is easy to write off Alan Moore these days. Once a brash outsider, he is now a legend. Much like myself. But when you really sit down and read his works, he still delivers as well as ever."
GEORGE: "TOP TEN is about a police precinct in a city where everyone has some sort of super power or is a superhero. In the ABC line, Moore always calls 'em science heroes. I think this concept is sort of used in KURT BUSIEK'S ASTRO CITY and also EARTH X, but I'm not sure because I haven't actually read those books. In a world where everyone is a comic book character, the super-cops have just as many problems as regular cops would in our world. As with the classic THE WATCHMEN, Moore uses a huge cast and multiple points of view. Somehow, he manages to both satirize and revere superhero comics at the same time. And although the book is very funny, it is also equally dramatic and suspenseful."
TONY: "Gorblimey crackin' bird crikey bit of the ol' bangers and chips."
SADDAM: "I concur wholeheartedly with George. And let us not forget the outstanding art by Gene Ha and Zander Cannon. The details! It's like the old Harvey Kurtzman MAD COMICS of my youth! The best part of the book, as great as the art is, as great as Moore's stories and characterizations are, is the cameos, with dozens and dozens of comic book characters changed just enough to avoid lawsuits."
GEORGE: "Tony, would you provide a partial list?"
TONY: "Righty-o! Tik-Tok, Jack Pumpkinhead, Dorothy and the Gump; Chitty-Chitty Bang Bang!; Peter Pan, Tinkerbell, Wendy, Michael and John; E.T. and Elliot; two Dr. Doolittles; Dr. Strangelove; a cross between the Blue Devil and Daredevil; the Shoveler; the Titanium Man; Speedy Alka-Seltzer; Gigantor; Ringo, the Blue Beetle, the Beetle and Beetle Bailey; the Powerpuff Girls; Deadman, Ghost Rider, Casper and the Ghostly Trio; Wolverine, Wolverine's adamantium skeleton; Dr. Who, Dr. Fu Manchu, the Doctor from the Authority, Dr. Fate, Dr. Strange, Ka-Zar or Tarzan; an adult Cartman; the Challengers of the Unknown; Wendy, Marvin and Wonder Dog; the Hulk in drag; Stan Lee; the Endless, Mephisto, Nightcrawler; Josey and the Pussycats, Dazzler, the White Queen, Captain Caveman; Guardian / Vindicator / Weapon Alpha; Aurora and Northstar; the Hamburglar; Hawkgirl; Giant Man; the Atom; the Rocketeer; the Beverly Hillbillies; Mr. Mxyzptlk and Bat Mite; Hercules; Swamp Thing; Sabretooth and the Toad; Green Lantern; Kirk, Spock and Uhura; Nightmare and Morpheus; Will Robinson, Dr. Smith, the Robot; the Voyagers; Man Bat; Batman; the Vulture, the Falcon, the Angel and a Sentinel; Astro Boy and Plastic Man. And that prob'ly ain't the bloody 'alf of it, mate!"
GEORGE: "Hey, guys, what say we stay after the show and see if we can spot all the cameos."
SADDAM: "Why not? We have nothing better to do!"
TONY: "Let's order Indian food!"
GEORGE: "Hell no! Chinese!"
SADDAM: "I want pizza!"
SUPERGIRL #80
Peter David – Writer
Ed Benes – Pencils
Alex Lei – Inks
Published by DC Comics
Reviewed by Village Idiot
It was, quite simply, a disappointment.
As regular readers of this column may know, for the past six months, I’ve been championing SUPERGIRL, all but proclaiming it Most Underrated Comic of the Year, or at least The Book That’s Much Much Better Than It Sounds (Really, You Should Read It, You Big Snob). Beginning with issue #75, SUPERGIRL writer Peter David began to tell a charmingly entertaining story that played various bits of Silver Age kitsch against the more typical modern ironic sensibility. There may have been a few rough spots along the way, but the sheer fun, imagination, and winsome-ness of the books, helped considerably by Ed Benes’ very pretty art, won me over month after month, culminating in a final rave for SUPERGIRL #79 (still a unique and wonderful comic book).
And so with grand finale, issue #80, expectations were high. But instead of going out big, using the momentum that had been built for the past six issues, Peter David went out only medium-small. Most of the charm that had characterized the story up to that point was gone, seemingly to make room for what turned out to be an unsatisfying bid for profundity. Meanwhile, the same weaknesses of the past issues, so easy to overlook before, remained. In the end, it was, quite simply, a disappointment.
Again, the set up was there for something tremendous; the story had a fairly large scope, spanning two different realities. The arc of the story began as a fish-out-of-water tale with Kara Zor-El, a Supergirl from a Silver Age Hypertime dimension, trying to adjust to the modern DCU. Then in #79, the story shifted to a fish-out-of-water tale for the modern Supergirl, Linda Danvers, as she lived out the rest of her life in Kara’s place in the Silver Age DCU; unexpectedly thriving in a cornball world of nostalgia. Years passed and she wound up marrying Superman, and even bearing his children. By the end of #79, Linda had reached the period of the CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS, only the biggest mamma-jamma epic in the history of comics. The build felt big.
But David chose to take another route. There was a climax of sorts; not an anticlimax, but a mild climax: something important happened, but I can’t help thinking that things should have ended with a larger bang. With all the creative resources at his disposal, the final confrontation seemed pretty routine, except for the fact that Linda vanquishes the villain with only the vaguest of explanations how she actually did it (I think maybe she vibed him to death). In the aftermath, David chose to end the series in a minor chord. Unfortunately, perhaps because the story missed its crescendo, the flatness carried over and I don’t think I felt the poignancy as deeply as David wanted me to.
Of course, important things were afoot in the story, so much so in fact that there wasn’t much room for the fun of the previous issues. There were no nods to the Silver Age in this one, affectionate or otherwise. Things got heavy. But David did take some shots at humor, with Linda’s various smart-alecky barbs (forgivable) and the villain’s painfully self-conscious, hammy villainy (not so forgivable; only one thing takes us out of the story more than a villain who is so aware of his comic book villainy that he nearly breaks the fourth wall, and that’s having a character in your movie rattle off the names of the Marvel creative staff.) I felt David had misstepped a bit in this direction before, even in the well-regarded #79, but in those cases they were mitigated by the other aspects of the issues. Not so much this time.
Benes was up to form, however. Throughout this arc, the art has been strikingly pretty and energetic, despite the mildly exploitative jailbait cheesecake. Word has it that he’ll be starting BIRDS OF PREY along with Gail Simone in a few months. Can’t wait.
Looking back, I think I can see what David was trying to do in the issue: he was trying to carve out something lasting and resonant for the readers of Supergirl, something bittersweet that may have reflected his own feelings regarding the book. But while plowing that ground, it’s as though he let his best crop lie fallow. And so, again, SUPERGIRL #80 was a disappointment. Not the worst series finale I’ve ever read (that honor goes to SUPERBOY #100) but definitely not what it could have been.
SLEEPER #1-3
Writer: Ed Brubaker
Artist: Sean Phillips
Publisher: WildStorm / DC Comics
Reviewed by Cormorant
I’ve never cared a whit about the gritty WildStorm superhero setting. For one thing, no matter what creative talents have thrown in with the company in recent years, my mind just can’t divorce it from its taint of “Early Image Comics”. I mean, the WildStorm characters once shared a world with Spawn and Youngblood, fer Chrissake! Even THE AUTHORITY, groundbreaking if not of particular interest to me, felt disposable for the fact that so many heroes and villains were clearly analogs of Marvel and DC characters. Well, friends, I think my close-minded policy has served me well over the years, but eventually an exception had to come along, and brutha…
…IT IS ONE BIG FUCKING EXCEPTION.
I’m talking about SLEEPER, Ed Brubaker’s tale of a superpowered G-man working deep undercover in a sort of supervillain Mafia. It’s been getting rave reviews from all quarters, including this on-target evaluation from Jon Quixote in one of his rare lucid moments, but it’s been struggling commercially. Time to rectify that, kiddies. The WildStorm backstory that had me spooked? A baseless fear. Everything the reader needs to know is laid out in the first issue, and none of it relies on knowledge of other WildStorm titles. Maybe you’ll pick up on some little things I didn’t if you know the world better, but I didn’t feel like I was missing a damn thing. In fact, it seems that Brubaker has gone out of his way to make the book 100% approachable, especially insofar as each of the first three issues functions completely as a standalone story. Sure, they begin to build on each other, but like my favorite issues of ASTRO CITY, you get the punch of a fully-realized story in the space of twenty-two pages.
Alright, we’ve got the fears out of the way, so what’s actually good about the title? Moral ambiguity for starters. That’s a common enough theme in superhero comics these days, but agent Holden Carver is on a mission to rise up in the ranks of a truly ruthless criminal organization – like, real Mafia ruthless - and to maintain his cover so he can ultimately eviscerate the organization, he’s had to do some very bad things…including killing innocents. Working the well-known dramatic device of bringing the reader into the story as late as possible (as famously advocated by screenwriter William Goldman), Brubaker opens the story several years into Holden’s mission. He’s a bit numb to the job at this point, an ironic counterpoint to a bizarre superpower that allows him to absorb all pain inflicted on his body and channel it toward others with destructive tendrils of energy.
Hyperbolic powers aside, SLEEPER’s tone reminds me more of Michael Mann’s best crime movies, HEAT and the underrated THIEF, than anything even remotely traditional from the superhero genre. Like Mann, Brubaker showcases the seductive power wielded by criminals and reveals that honor and loyalty aren’t unheard of in their ranks, yet never shies away from revealing just how ugly their world can turn in an instant. Artist Sean Phillips matches the grim world with moody, noir visuals reminiscent of Brian Bendis’s stable of artists (Michael “ALIAS” Gaydos and Alex “DAREDEVIL” Maleev), but without the stiffness I sometimes associate with that pair.
SLEEPER gets off to a quick clip in the first issue when Carver is brought before the eerily level-headed kingpin of the organization and given a special assignment to work alongside a fellow wiseguy suspected of being a traitor. Now if I were undercover in the Mob and the Big Boss told me he knew there was someone infiltrating his organization, I’d probably piss myself, but Carver’s a pro - he plays it cool and the game is afoot. We also meet an enforcer pal of Carver’s, a favorite supporting character of mine who goes by the codename of Genocide. His introduction leads to one of my favorite bits of first-person narrative from Carver:
He told me that he chose his codename because sometimes he really just wanted to kill everybody. When I pointed out that genocide was actually the systematic annihilation of a group, based on race or creed, not just killing everybody…he said he was fine with going one group at a time…as long as he could start with cops.
That is one hardboiled S.O.B., and yet Genocide ends up being a likeable sort of scumbag, at least when measured against some of the more depraved criminals in the organization. Issue two puts the thumbscrews to both he and Carver when mob enforcers walk in on the pair of them standing over the half-naked corpse of the organization’s highly valued, superpowered recruiter. The first issue was good, but this second issue was fantastic. Brubaker balances nail-biting suspense and economy of storytelling as we see the walls closing in on Carver and Genocide during their mob interrogation even as flashbacks reveal not only the nature of their predicament, but glimpses of Carver’s own recruitment and a Scorsese-style breakdown of the power structure of the bad guys’ organization!
In the third issue, the last in this little overview, Carver faces fallout from the previous issue as he’s partnered with one of the highest-ranking members of the organization – Miss Misery. She beautiful, but far from being the campy throwback the name might imply, she’s actually about as scary as it gets. “I’ve watched her smoke enough cigarettes to give cancer to the entire population of China,” Carver reflects after several weeks working with her, and when he notices a disturbing sort of beauty to her as she’s stomping a man to death, he talks her into giving up her past. His reaction when she’s done - “Jesus Christ…that’s about the harshest origin story I’ve ever heard…” – is well deserved. Their interaction takes up most of the issue, but also sets the stage for the next issue when the pair are to attend a meeting of the most powerful secret society on Earth. Looks creepy as hell and I can’t wait. These are the most watchable hoods since the RESERVOIR DOGS crew.
Final judgment: I recently started watching the dark, funny, and painfully human cop drama, THE SHIELD, and after the first episode left me totally energized, I’ve been racing through subsequent episodes like nobody’s business. That’s the same level of enthusiasm that SLEEPER inspires in me. Both went from “below-my-radar” to “I’ve-gotta-show-this-to-everyone” in the space of a single story, and that’s a rare and amazing accomplishment. SHIELD fans, crime fiction fans, and superhero fans alike…buy this sumbitch now.
JLA #79
Writer: Joe Kelly
Penciller: Doug Mahnke
Inker: Tom Nguyen
Reviewed by superninja
Superheroes and politics. Where do I begin?
One man’s fascist is another man’s war against crime. Politics are fine, if they're superhero politics and don't have any real-world parallels. We can debate them in the real world, but superheroes are fantasy. There are exceptions, but they are few.
JLA #78 set up a complicated situation. A galactic fascist force was invading the planet Kylaq and the JLA went off-world to intervene. In case the wordplay escapes you, Kylaq is an obvious parallel to Iraq, and its leader Kanjar Ro (a Silver Age Justice League villain) is now updated as the equivalent of Saddam Hussein. The JLA stepped in to prevent the fascist invaders Paciforce from taking over Kylaq but they had to deal with Kanjar Ro. Kelly has been reading the headlines, no doubt.
You would think this might put the JLA in a precarious situation. Not really. They solve the problem in a single issue. Setup in #78, solved in #79, reeking of superhero simplicity. They fight the invaders and then undermine Kanjar Ro by showing his people how brutally he tortures the invaders, hopefully leading to a democracy. It's fluffy filler to lead up to the storyline where Faith's captors try to reclaim her. Kelly skims over the politics and goes lite.
I've been a big fan of Kelly's JLA. And I like Faith and Manitou Raven. But I think Kelly's in danger of selling his new superheroes at the expense of story.
FANTASTIC FOUR #67 (496)
Written by Mark Waid
Pencils by Mike Wieringo; Art by Karl Kesel
Published by Marvel Comics
A Jon Quixote Review
The Sinners Are Much More Fun
or Great Scott, Billy Joel Was Right!
“I have been cheated out of the Magic Gems of Merlin, but I shall still escape…to find a new hidden site where I can plan for my conquest of Earth!”
- Doctor Doom, Fantastic Four Vol. 1, #6.
About a month and a half ago, in a moment of complete fucktardeness, the depths of which I thought I plunged for the last time the night I decided what Jan Q really wanted for her birthday was a hooker to help us consummate her unspoken desire for a threesome (but, really, did it have to be spoken? I never said word one about mine and we both knew it was there. “Was” being the operative word, because she sometimes reads the column), I bought the Spider-Man Vs. Daredevil DVD. And while I think I’ve managed to wade through about 10 minutes of that Saturday-Morning banality – so that was $17.99 well spent - the one feature I have watched from beginning to end was the bonus episode of the Fantastic Four cartoon, a great piece of cosmic ray hammered kitsch that makes me thank God I’m not a teetotaler.
The plot of the cartoon, if I can use the word “plot” without getting sued for libel by the word’s lawyers, basically involves Doctor Doom trying to kill the Fantastic Four…just ‘cause. And watching it gave me the worst 60’s flashback – eerie because I was little more than a slowly rotting vending machine prophylactic back then – and I was reminded of the way Doom used to be written: a loony, revenge-driven maniac who could turn pronouns into clichés by merely speaking them aloud. I couldn’t help but compare this early version of Doom to his current incarnation, that of an elegant aristocrat whose penchant for self-serving evil deeds is held in check only by his inherent nobility, and I thought “Man, I sure am glad they don’t write him like they used to.”
But then it occurred to me. “Wait…no I’m not.”
Many, many comic fans would be quick to credit Dr. Doom as the coolest, baddest villain in all comics. I was one of them, until I asked “what has he done for me lately?” In the competitive world of Evil Masterminds, you’re only as good as your last ridiculously complicated death trap. As classy and mature and complex a character as Doom had become, he had also begun to fail completely as a villain. He had been humanized to the point where he would almost rather rescue Accursed Richards from danger in order to prove how morally superior Doom was, instead of taking the opportunity to plot the disintegration of the rest of the FF. It was like that Simpsons episode where Sideshow Bob renounces his evil ways and rescues Bart from a collapsing dam – sure it made for a half-decent 22 minutes, but it also screwed over the rest of the Sideshow Bob episodes from then on.
Enter Fantastic Four #67. It’s like Mark Waid climbed into my head, read my thoughts, and wrote a comic book just for me. Awesome (now get the fuck out, Waid). Though FF #67 is billed as a prologue to the upcoming “Unthinkable” storyline, it is essentially a self-contained Dr. Doom short story. To say much more would ruin it for readers, but its goal is to move our current perception of Doom back to that of the legitimately baddest villain in all of comics.
And oh baby, going going gone! Cue theme music. Roll credits. Bullseye.
Doom is back. You may now proceed with getting psyched.
I am quivering in full-on geeky anticipation for the next installment of Fantastic Four. When is the last time you’ve heard those words strung together? I can’t wait to see how this resurgent take on Doom contrasts with the light-hearted family fun tone Waid has re-established in his first six issues – there’s just something absolutely gleeful about watching a writer cobble together an imaginative little paradise and then blow our minds by dousing it with Butane and flipping his Zippo.
I am literally frightened for the Fantastic Four. Scared as to what’s going to happen to them over the course of the next four issues.
And I’m loving it.
THE HOOD: BLOOD FROM STONES (TPB)
Written by Bryan K. Vaughn
Art by Kyle Hotz
Published by Marvel
Reviewed by Buzz Maverik
The following is the transcript of a tape that arrived at @$$hole H.Q. via unmarked envelope. While the voice of the moderator on the tape sounds remarkably like Buzz Maverik's signature "Keanu-on-qualuudes" vocal tones, we Talkback @$$holes prefer to believe that Buzz died an honorable death, choking on his own vomit backstage somewhere.
"Woo-hoo! Helll-oooo, Ain't-It-Coolsters! Buzz Maverik comin' at'cha live from Spring Break 2003, Persian Gulf Style! The thing I love about spring break is that one second you have a staid, sunny community and the next second, it's over-run by a bunch of college-age guys and dolls who are ready for action! I had no idea fatigues were so in this year, me in my Hawaiian shirt and workin' on my tan! Let's see if any of 'em wanna talk comics! Hey, bro', what's yer name?"
"Lance Corporal Antonio Prohias, sir !"
"Which frat you with, Tony? Me, I'm a Phi Kappa @$$hole man, myself. Knowles University, Class of '86."
"Hey, Prohias, who the hell is that asshole?"
"I think it's the spook we're supposed to drop, Sarge!"
"They're really scraping the bottom of the shitter for spooks these days. Get him on board!"
"Chartered a plane, eh? Must be some kind of extreme sports thing! I'm drunk enough! So, tell me, any of you guys read any good comics lately?"
"Uh, I liked THE HOOD, written by that Y: THE LAST MAN guy. That guy's the best new comic book writer."
"The art is cool. I heard Kyle Hotz'll be doing CAPTAIN MARVEL. He did this moody, cartoon noir art for THE HOOD."
"I gotta agree with you cats. THE HOOD, which was just put out in tpb, is a crime novel for the superhero set. Parker Robbins is a young criminal who gets a hood that lets him turn invisible when he holds his breath. He also comes across boots that let him walk in the air. Given that he has a mom in the nuthouse, a pregnant girlfriend, that he's spent all his savings on rehab for his cousin and he spends all the cash he gets on an expensive Russian hooker, Parker follows his natural inclination to use these newly obtained mystic artifacts for crime. He runs afoul of a mobster employing such villains as Jack O' Lantern, the Constrictor and the Shocker. Hijinks ensue. Very original and ingenious."
"Okay, sir, we're ready for you to make the jump."
"Sure thing! Is this some sort of paintball thing? Aw, never mind. Hey, that looks sorta like Saddam's palace down there. Aw well! Banzaiii!"
Uncanny X-Men #420 – Chuck Austen & Kia Asamiya
CAPTAIN AMERICA #11 – Chuck Austen & Jae Lee
UNSTABLE MOLECULES #3 – James Sturm, et al.
Published by Marvel Comics
Jon Quixote Live
God bless die hard comic book fans. Here’s a demographic that shows the sort of devotion to their lord and master that I haven’t seen since Bubbles the Chimp started dating the King of Pop. No matter how many times they get paraded around a dinner party with their ass shaved or kicked out of their bed by a Culkin sleep-over, it never even crosses their mind to pack their bags and bolt out of the Neverland Ranch as soon as Jacko leaves for work. Oh sure, occasionally they’ll hang from their bars and toss around feces like pigskin at the Pro Bowl, but when it’s time for Daddy to make another courtroom appearance, they’re out there with their arms wrapped lovingly around his neck, pretending like they don’t even notice the surgical mask.
Now, I don’t want to plagiarize someone else’s shtick here, but this devotion means that the people in charge of comic book companies can operate with the job security that usually only comes when Daddy Joe buys a Massachusetts Senate Seat for your chunky little ass; they pretty much have to crank up like a teamster at Busch Gardens and drive the entire company off a bridge before the red pen even touches the paper at their performance reviews. And after years of fucking over their loyal fans with seven dollar holographic covers and massive crossovers where if you wanted to figure out what the blue fuck was going on in this month’s Spider-Man you had to pick up the previous nine-issues of Alpha Flight to unlock the mystery like some four-color Rosetta stone, the Powers that Be seem to have decided that the reason more people would rather buy the Best of Vanilla Ice Compilation CD than a comic book is because the characters’ fucking eyes aren’t big enough. Case in point: Kia Asamiya, the Japanese pen and ink “superstar” who’s currently dicing and slicing my interest on Uncanny X-Men.
Y’know once upon a time, I used to be able to pick up a comic book and, by looking at it, figure out what was going on. Sure, usually it was just Spider-Man beating the bejeezus out of Daredevil, thinking that any nutjob who jumps around rooftops in footsie pajamas can’t be up to any good, but at least my eyes didn’t wander around from panel to panel like a concussed Richard Kimble, combing the gutters for the one-armed man of coherency. If I pick up a comic about gay Canadians and furry blue demons getting their asses munched by a bunch of Darwinian lycanthropes, the last thing I want is to stare at a page that looks like it belongs in the Cubist exhibit at the Guggenheim and try really really hard to figure out exactly what it means to me.
Of course, before we wrap up this Astro-Boy themed witchhunt, I’m sure we can find a stake and some matches to spare for the writer of this little fiasco. Chucky, my man, it wasn’t 6 months ago that I was sucking on your toes for bringing back that Claremont groove to Uncanny. But just because you’re now banging out the scripts for a guy who spells Byrne with a Yu-Gi-Oh doesn’t mean you can get away with something that makes about as much sense as your average b-grade tentacle porn. When the mutant wolves started herding Archangel back to their building, did they also engage their mutant ability to make him forget he can also fly up? And I’m not even going to touch the creepy love letter to Elizabeth Bathory this issue turned into.
I was going to blame ol’ Kia for the fact that the last time I zoned out to something this incoherent, I dropped the brown acid and watched Fire Walk With Me unspool backwards to the tune of Dark Side of the Moon, but when this week’s Captain America also rolled out to the snappy beat of a backwards talking midget, I have to take a guess and say you probably had a little something to do with it. I’m proud of you for parlaying your relative no-name status into a gig writing more monthly comics than a Stan Lee super-robot, but when they’re all starting to make as much sense as Ebonic Sanskrit, maybe it’s time to cut back on the responsibilities just a tad.
The sad thing is, as strange and bewildering as Captain America #11 was, a squadron of Field’s Medal winners gang-banging Deep Blue couldn’t come up with a number big enough to reflect how many times better it is than the previous writer’s kick at the Cap. That, combined with the introduction of some good ideas and an astounding lack of banal rhetoric, should be enough to earn the writer a Get-Out-Of-Criticism-Free card, which he can cash in to keep me from calling for him to be FedEx'ed to the depths of funnybook obscurity where he has to share a cube with the horny ghost of Paul Lynde on some sort of comic book Hollywood Squares. Perhaps when Austen doesn’t have the Herculean chore of cleaning up the Stygian mess that he found smeared all over the carpets when he took possession, he might take the red, white, and blue someplace livable. It would also help if he wasn’t stuck with an artist who throws around more ink than a Saturday-night circle jerk at an octopus Delta Kappa Epsilon.
Of course, don’t even get me started on the editorial Donner Party that is Unstable Molecules. Tell me, when did trashing your own company’s product become a spectator sport? Marketing 101 – remember that 7-Up commercial where Orlando Jones shows up and tells us all that it tastes like shit, rots your teeth, and a buck-fifty bottle only costs them about two-cents to make…but what are you gonna do, drink Sprite? It wouldn’t surprise me one bit if in the next two weeks, Mark Alessi pops out grinning like a Wile E. Coyote who just throttled the fuck out of the Roadrunner and announces that he just signed James Sturm to an exclusive contract, a little carrot for being the best double agent since Julius and Ethel Rosenberg went gently into the red night. Of course, the real joke is on the fans who displayed the hilarious naiveté of a Mormon co-ed wandering into Lake Havasu on Spring Break when they thought Marvel might actually be showing them some respect by putting out a smart little series designed to make them feel as though reading comic books hasn’t been a waste of their pimply little existences. These companies just ooze respect. “Sure, babe, I’ll call you real soon. Oh and by the way, thanks for letting me ass-fuck you in front of my poker buddies last night. You’re real marriage material.” I guess what the House of Ideas really was a four-month series to quench the readership’s thirst for bitter deconstruction between quarterly installments of The Ultimates. Bitter deconstruction, of course, is the next Pokémon.
And we all know how much the Powers That Be love their Pokémon.
Of course, that’s just my opinion, could be wrong.
Indie Jones: Motion Pictures
I’m not going to make a habit of repeat reviews, but this comic deserves a few more words. You see, I’ve been laughing my ass off at the last two issues of MOTION PICTURES, and that’s more than I can say for anything else I’ve picked up at the store lately. It’s been a consistent bright spot in the comics submissions throughout the Indie Jones project. And, you know… I’m kinda hoping that if I review it again, I’ll get Josh Edelglass to send me more stuff.
I mentioned MOTION PICTURES in the very first Indie Jones column last December, in my humor comics roundup. As I said then, MOTION PICTURES takes a very simple premise and runs the hell away with it – a boy and his robot are transported into Movieland, and wander through various pictures with their remote control. It’s a flimsy excuse to parody a string of flicks at a rapid clip, and I don’t care. This is funny stuff. Between the Sci-Fi extravaganza of Issue #2 and the James Bond theme of Issue #3, I’m getting the satiric laughs that Saturday Night Live gave up trying to give me. In short, this is movie-geek candy.
To do an effective parody comic, one needs the following skills: 1) the artistic skill to portray/imitate your targets recognizably 2) the ability to generate consistently fresh takes on a wide variety of targets 3) the wit to produce an extra-high volume of jokes 4) the sense to know when to quit. The Star Wars issue (#2) is a pretty good example of all of these. I personally could make fun of Episode II the whole live-long day, but Edelglass has the sense to move on before you can start to get sick of the subject. Not before he’s gotten in some pretty potent stabs, of course (“Dear George: Please Insert Natalie in Post”), and there’s a bonus rant in the back of the comic that pretty much summarizes my attitude. But in the same issue he also manages to hit up Star Trek: TMP, Minority Report, Road to Perdition, and even Austin Powers for laughs. The humor is vastly improved by the strong likenesses of the characters, an aspect of the book that continues to improve through Issue #3, where you can see what it would look like if the entire rogues’ gallery of the Bond series got together at a bar. I admit I’m a sucker for this sort of thing (it kills me when Frank Cho imitates fellow strip artists, for example), but with this effect I think anyone could get a chuckle out of the robot roundup in issue #3, with a lineup of precisely rendered robot characters from Bender to the Terminator to Data (“How is it that I am the most sophisticated android ever built, and yet I am unable to form contractions?”).
I think this guy’s got a real future in comics. Whether he continues with the movie parodies or moves on to other ideas, he’s got a nice flow, a confident style, visual flair, and great comedic timing. It seems he’s learned the right lessons from creators like Brian Michael Bendis as to the pacing of dialogue. He’s clearly put a lot of work into these comics, from the covers down to the little typy stuff and I hope it pays off for him. I’ll tell you this much: this comic is tailor-made for AICN TalkBackers, with all the little geeky details and inside jokes we come to this site looking for.
You can order MOTION PICTURES at Worldview Cartoons
To send in your self-published work for review in Indie Jones, drop us a line at indie_comics@yahoo.com
