The ACADEMY AWARDS - Harry's Rambling Commentary Throughout The Event

Hey folks, Harry here... as usual this time of the year, I'm doing my state of conciousness coverage of the Oscars this year... Already I feel weird since Bawa Wawas wasn't doing her usual fluff that I make fun of. And I could have sworn they said they wouldn't be doing Red Carpet arrivals, but as I watch... I swear I see red carpets, arrivals and interviews.. Hmmm... Deception I see.

So far the pre-show has been painfully lame, and the touching montage of 'america moments' is probably the lamest I've ever seen. And when that goofy blonde says "So many wonderful touching moments.... I don't believe her. Now this Sharon Stone AOL Broadband ad reminds me how hot she is. Halle Berry looked good, but... Jennifer Garner was the hottest looking gal to show up so far, even though Salma... well... she's Salma!

Oh man, the Jack Palance and Kirk Douglas moments.... FUCK BENIGNI!!! That fuck had Weinstein BUY HIS AWARD, fucking Ian McKellen completely out of winning for GODS & MONSTERS!!! Fuck that award... the best gown ever was Bjork's crazy Bird Gown! Ewww a control room! Ok, this pre-show sucked all sorts of ass... Well here comes the show!

Oh, nice stage... this sheet metal look is pretty darn cool... WINGS , MUTINY ON THE BOUNTY, CASABLANCA, ALL ABOUT EVE, ON THE WATERFRONT, BRIDGE OVER THE RIVER KWAI, BEN HUR, LAWRENCE OF ARABIA.... MIDNIGHT COWBOY, PATTON, GODFATHER 2, ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST, GANDHI, SILENCE OF THE LAMBS, FORREST GUMP.... BRAVE HEART, these diamonds are cool... TITANIC, GLADIATOR, Fuck BEAUTIFUL MIND... overated tv movie of the week! Ok, now Live from the Kodak Theater, the 75th Academy Awards... Now for Steve Martin, the current star of that lame piece of shit movie at the top of the box office this week! The proceeds from tonight's broadcast will be divided up by huge corporations. Hehehe, lucky Circuit City fucks! Well Harvey's laughing about eating people. OH COOL! Olivia De Havilland... Mickey Rooney is there! "Let's Throw A Show!" Ya know... I have to say... Knowing that Mickey Rooney is there, actually makes this show more special. He rules the world! Ok, Steve Martin is kicking some ass... "They Made A Really Good Movie That Everyone Likes!" Fucking Weinstein... How dare he! God I loved CHICAGO!

The Tom Cruise Cushion... Uh oh, he said "The Gay Mafia" "Poodle head in my Bed" hahahaha... You know... this opening is so much smarter and better than BRINGING DOWN THE HOUSE! .... What Iis a Movie Star.... "Tall, Short, Thin or Skinny.... They can be democrats... or skinny.... A Movie star can be young, middle age (Natalie) or Old ( Reese).... heheheheheeh... God, Steve Martin is the best host DUDE - He fucked Mary Poppins... oh hell ERNEST BORGNINE!!! FUCKING A!!!!

CAMERON DIAZ!!!! pant pant pant..... She arrived in a Hybrid Car tonight, and she looks delicious! The first award for Animated Features...

Animated film

ICE AGE - nice flick.... LILO & STITCH - fucking ruled!!! SPIRIT: STALLION OF THE CIMARRON - better than many give a chance.... SPIRITED AWAY - Better fucking Win.... TREASURE PLANET - Do Not Win! And the winner is.... SPIRITED AWAY!!!! HAYAO MIYAZAKI!!!! FUCKING A!!!

Keanu to present SPECIAL VISUAL EFFECTS - LORD OF THE RINGS TWO TOWERS - Better win... However my nephew is rooting for SPIDERMAN and well Yoda kicked ass, but Gollum owned him! And the winner is: THE TWO TOWERS!!! Fucking A.... Look there's the most handsome man ever... Randy Cook!!! Let Randy Talk!!!! Randy rules! Look there's Sean Astin! Let RANDY TALK!!!! Yes "Especially our amazing Animation department!!!!"

Oh man... Jennifer Connelly is wearing clothes... I'm so disappointed! Oh man, The supporting actors from the past... The best of them all was Walter Huston from TREASURE OF SIERRE MADRE... hehehehe, that's my pick anyway! NOW THE NOMINEES ARE: Chris Cooper! Ed Harris! Paul Newman! John C Reilly (GO JOHN) and Christopher Walken! The winner is CHRIS COOPER from ADAPTATION... can't really complain there... he was excellent... and the movie ruled! "Let me take this in a minute. Let me think everything from The Academy to the Womb that bore me!" Oh, Chris Cooper is genuinely affected... I love that, he was 3 seconds from serious tears!

Uh oh, J LO is here in an outfit that doesn't properly display her naked ass! ART DIRECTION!!! Chicago - great work on that film. FRIDA - amazing art direction. GANGS OF NEW YORK - actually despite all the hype it underwhelmed me... TWO TOWERS - fucking great. ROAD TO PERDITION - also fucking great. THe award goes to: CHICAGO! John Myhere and Gordon Sim! Beautiful work, and thus begins the SWEEP...

The CHICAGO music Number… Well somehow this being on stage is absolutely perfect, and Catherine Zeta Jones is looking mighty fine for being as close to popping as she is….Oh man look at those costumes! So many hot gals in corsets. My Nephew was dancing along with with the CHICAGO number...

Ok, so far... best justified award was to: Hayao Miyazaki... but the most emotional award was with Chris Cooper.... Now we have a break from Oscars to the latest from Iraq... Just in case we couldn't stand to not have an hour away from the war... Because... well there has seemingly been nothing new since 1pm earlier today... so they had to update us with.... nothing new. Well this is time utterly wasted in my opinion.

Meryl Streep was selling her Screener copies on EBAY - How dare she... Oh hell Jennifer Garner and Mickey mouse... Oh fuck that CG Mickey... that's just creepy and wrong! ANIMATED SHORT FILM... CATHEDERAL, CHUBB CHUBBS, ... oh.. THE CHUBB CHUBBS. That's what our site guy had predicted two days ago! Cool. Eric Armstrong. Personally I would love to see all these films. Oh, and now.

Jennifer Garner... damn she's hot. Here's Live Action Short Films: FAIT D'HIVER, I ATTENDRAI LE SUIVANT... INJA.... JOHNNY FLYNTON and DER ER EN YNDIG MAND... and the winner is: THIS CHARMING MAN - the Denmark film... and he licked his Oscar and felt that Steve Martin was eating too many onions..

Mira Sorvino is coming out... man they're running through the awards... OH she looks fantastic. COSTUME DESIGN is what she's presenting... Uh she has nervous flub issues... note... live television not her strong suit... COSTUME DESIGN - CHICAGO - fantastic costumes... FRIDA - amazing work here... GANGS OF NEW YORK, great but not the best... HOURS - should not be nominated. THE PIANIST - wonderful... THE OSCAR goes to CHICAGO for Colleen Atwood - and she has... appropriately the nicest dress and outfit I've seen thus far. This is the second CHICAGO award, and she thanked Bill COndon... the MAN!

Now we have Brendan Fraser - ah, he's introducing LORD OF THE RINGS TWO TOWERS... Oh man, the absolutely amazing Andy Serkis moment of insanity... my 2 1/2 year old nephew was absolutely entranced by it, and began doing a Gollum laugh...

Now Paul Simon performing his song from THE WILD THORNBERRIES - this should be GOLLUM'S SONG dammit! God, Simon looks lifeless... They should have nominated him back with his song for THE GRADUATE... and actually he should have friggin won back then, but this is just tripe... Unmemorable crap music, for an uninteresting crap movie, but hey that's kinda trippy looking! This song is never friggin ending... Make it stop... please god, put an end to this song... ah, polite applause...

YUCK - Big Fat Greek Wedding person... BEST MAKE-UP - this is the worst category of the year. FRIDA's work is ok, but that piece of shit TIME MACHINE work is an embarrassment and shame upon all. THE winner was FRIDA - thank god, cuz I'd have to go kill crazy if that piece of shit TIME MACHINE won... God I hate that movie. Salma's dress is quite nice! She's just... oogle...

Sean Connery is coming out... oh hell, he looks fucking Stud... yeah! He rules... SUPPORTING ACTRESSes... Hattie! Harvey gal, sigh... oh ... yummy pretty evenly split between very old and young and hot... though modern age usually goes towards hot lookers... The nominees are Kathy Bates - go... Julianne Moore for THE HOURS... Queen Latifah - she'll win.... Meryl Streep for ADAPTATION and Catherine Zeta Jones.... and the winner is... ... holy shit... CATHERINE ZETA JONES... wow... wow, that is a geniune surprise... Wow... Do you think she'll go into labor on stage... somewhere Bebe Neuwirth is fuming... That was nice, but strangely... Chris Cooper was more emotional, which is odd...

Matthew introduced GANGS OF NEW YORK, but I missed the segment due to using the bathroom... I come out to see Kate Hudson looking gorgeous... But now... Rene Zellweggar... wow that dress is beautiful... BEST ORIGINAL SCORE: John Williams, Elliot Goldenthal, Thomas Newman... eek too quick.... ELLIOT GOLDENTHAL for FRIDA! Fucking A! Of the nominees that's perfect.

Julie Andrews - looking pretty odd... wow... a standing ovation for her... That's unexpected... Uh oh... a recollection of famous Oscar show numbers... Etheyll Merman... Danny Kaye and mitzi Gaynor.... Nell Carter.... oh shit a dancing Planet of the Ape Cornelius... dancing stars.... Where's the FOR YOUR EYES ONLY.... Kirk Douglas singing is great... Kermit and Piggy.... FUCKING A.... ISAAC HAYES and Shaft!!!!! BLAME CANADA! Fred Astaire... oh, there was the laser from FOR YOUR EYES ONLY and a ripoff of the 42nd Street leg shot...

Salma Hayek!!! Yes... Oh man... Salma drop Ed Norton... you must marry me... think of the scandal... FOREIGN LANGUAGE film... THE CRIME OF FATHER AMARO, HERO, THE MAN WITHOUT A PAST, NOWHERE IN AFRICA and ZUS & ZO.... ok, come on finland ... the winner is... NOWHERE IN AFRICA... Man... sigh... of course TALK TO HER and Y TU MAMA TAMBIEN weren't even nominated... but MAN WITHOUT A PAST Should have won...

Julianne Moore - BEST SOUND.... CHICAGO, GANGS OF NEW YORK, TWO TOWERS (win win win), ROAD TO PERDITION and SPIDER-MAN... The winner is.... CHICAGO -- oh man, CHICAGO is kickin a lot of ass! Great sound on that film, I'll never forget how it blew the roof off the place when I first saw it, and it continues each time I've seen it. Harvey has got to be pleased as can be between this and FRIDA!

BEST SOUND EDITING --- TWO TOWERS ( win win win) - friggin MINORITY REPORT, ROAD TO PERDITION ... Winner is... THE TWO TOWERS! Ethan Van der Ryn and missed the other name Oh man they're happy and very excited...

Steve Martin is here with Y TU MAMA TAMBIEN's Gael Garcia Bernal ... the category is Original Song - and he's here to introduce FRIDA's song... Gael is the first reall anti war advocate of the night thus far. Not only is he the best young actor working in cinema today.... he's got a conscience and a heart... ok of the nominated songs... I hope this wins... I really do.... this is by far the best song.... just absolutely the best! and the audience's reaction confirms it....

Hillary Swank comes in... looking nice to talk about THE HOURS... but I just want to add that once again, ABC updates us with absolutely no new information about the war, nothing breaking... no new announcements, nothing at all. If they have nothing new, there is no reason to interupt the evening...

Diane Lane - on DOCUMENTARY FEATURE - please God... give it to Michael Moore... Please give it to BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE... The nominees.... BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE... DAUGHTER FROM DANANG, PRISONER OF PARADISE, SPELLBOUND (excellent film) and WINGED MIGRATION... and the winner.... is..... BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE.... oh boy... here it comes Miyazaki and Michael Moore in the same evening.... Standing Ovation..... He invited his fellow Documentary Nominees... We like non-fiction... oh man - well there was Michael Moore... Loud disapproval of his speech about... followed up by Jack Valenti... irony... this is great...

Valenti is here for DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT: THE COLLECTOR OF BEDFORD STREET, MIGHT TIMES, TWIN TOWERS, WHY CAN'T WE BE A FAMILY AGAIN... Winner is: TWIN TOWERS...

"The teamsters are helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his Limo..." hehehe

Julia Roberts wearing an Audrey Hepburn dress.... BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY - Nominees are.... CHICAGO, FAR FROM HEAVEN, GANGS OF NEW YORK, THE PIANIST and ROAD TO PERDITION (win win win) and the winner is.... Conrad L Hall for ROAD TO PERDITION... oh... I'm crying... the idea that we will no longer see his light and shadow on the screen again brings great sorrow to me. His son is accepting in his behalf... oh man... wow... a great moment...

Kathy Bates "Every time an oscar is given out an agent gets his wings" hehehehe... ah... a Chuck Workman documentary on getting the Awards... Oh, Chuck Workman... he does such a great job getting these things... Duke of New York A # 1! John williams juggling his oscars... Truck Turner saying DAMN RIIIIGHT... that rules

Colin Farrell talking about GANGS OF NEW YORK and is going to introduce U2... actually this is probably the most perfect presenter / musician... And this'll be the winner btw... God U2 rules... I love U2! Bono represents the perfect celebrity advocate difference maker...

Geena Davis presenting FILM EDITING: CHICAGO, GANGS OF NEW YORK, THE HOURS, THE TWO TOWERS, THE PIANIST... winner should be Chicago.... And That's who got it... Martin Walsh wins for CHICAGO... "small corner of northern England just went BOOM!"

Susan Sarandon... uh oh... she got on stage somehow... Drudge is shaking... hehehe... Oh no... the tribute to the passing of the artists of the past year.... Lew Wasserman, Richard Sylbert, Eddie Bracken.... George Sidney, Katy Jurado, Jack Brodsky, Dudley Moore... arthur, John Frankenheimer, Rod Steiger, Norman Panama, Horst Buchholz, J Lee Thompson, Leo McKern, Kay Rose, Miltorn Berle... uncle milt... Ward KIMBALL!!!! margaret booth, Signe Hasso, Daniel Taradash, Richard Crenna, Walter Scharf, Rosemary Clooney, Charles Guggenheim, Kim Hunter, Adolph Green, Alberto Sordi, Mavivin Mirsh, Conrad Hhall, George Roy Hill, Richard Harris, James Coburn, Billy WILDER the great...... oh man....

"That memorial tribute was so wonderful, God I hope I'm up there some day! Next we'll be having a tribute to people you thought were dead but aren't"

Halle Berry - Best Actor.... god these performances.... stunning.... Wallace Beery for Viva Villa.... you really should see that one... I lknow I'm passing over a lot of these, but it's just because I get the feeling that none of you have a full appreciation for the genius of Wallace Beery... though the clip was for THE CHAMP I believe, my fave part was for VIVA VILLA! Ok, the nominees... ADRIEN BRODY (win win win) Nicholas Cage, Michael Caine.... Daniel Day Lewis... Jack Nicholson... please Adrien... the winner is.... ADRIEN BRODY!!! YESSSSSSS! YES OH YES OH YES!!!! OH MY GOD!! YES !!!! FUCKING A FUCKING A!!! I'm so fucking happy about this.... And that's how you kiss Halle Berry!!!! Fucking A... when you win Best Actor, disneyland or kiss Halle Berry... He's so good in DUMMY, and he's always the best actor working... and when he plays DALI in Roger Avary's GALA DALI, he'll be here again! Fucking Great.... Oh man.... His role, his work in THE PIANIST... wow. Oh I'm so happy... this film, this was a little film I loved dearly... Best film of the ... "One second one second, Cut it out, I only get one chance at this!" Class! The man exudes class! and he gets a standing ovation for his utter class! Tommy Oribenski... He called out to ya... Fucking Awesome!

Dustin Hoffman here to present a clip on THE PIANIST... a film that I pray wins... It is the best film of the year, not as fun as CHICAGO, but beyond great and important!

EEEEEEEk.... Barbara Streisand... be scared... She's here to present Best Song. FRIDA... WILD THORNBERRYS... GANGS OF NEW YORK (it'll win).... CHICAGO.... 8 MILE ... Oscar goes to.... EMINEM for 8 MILE... wow... biggest shock win since Isaac Hayes in 1971.... oh, and Marshall isn't there... dammit..

Meryl Streep to present an honorary Oscar to PETER O'TOOLE.... Oh man... Meryl's tribute to O'toole is astonishingly good. How do you not win for LAWRENCE OF ARABIA? How does that happen? How could he not have the award for that... what was he against? Oh, Atticus Finch... well... god that's a decision I wish to nobody. "Do you think I'm just anyone Ali?" Here's Peter.... and a god walked on stage... Listen to that voice... hahahaha, sorry, I'm listening and watching... Listen to him... That's a man the likes of which we'll never see again... That's Peter O'Toole... a man that can play a God and you never ever doubt the divinity of the man before your eyes...

Denzel Washinton comes out to present Best Actress... Timeless performances on screen... wow, the faces of black & white.... dazzle... and the nominees are: Salma Hayek, Nicole Kidman, Diane Lane, Julianne Moore and Renee Zellweger... and the winner... Nicole Kidman... the most luminous actress working today... Personally I wanted her to win last year, but couldn't deny Halle Berry's great work...

Academy President Frank Pierson.... "Last time I share a dressing room with him!"

Olivia De Havvilland.... Maid Marion.... Oh man.... WOW.... Melanie... Just tears... I love this woman's work dearly.... I see her with Flynn in my mind's eye... Oh wow....

Julie Andrews, Kathy Bates, Halle Berry, Ernest Borgnine YEAH!, Red Buttons ! great in Posiedon Adventure.... Nicholas Cage, Michael Caine, George Shapiress, Jennifer Connelly, Sean Connery, Geena Davis, Daniel Day Lewis, Olivia De Havilland, KIRK FRIGGIN DOUGLAS!!!!, Michael Douglas, Robert Duvall, Louise Fletcher , Brenda Fricker, Cuba Gooding Jr, Louis Gossett Jr, Joel Grey, Tom Hanks, Marsha Gaye Hardin, Dustin HoffmanCeleste Holms, Anjellica Huston, Charmin jr, Jennifer Jones, Shirley Jones, GEORGE KENNEDY, Ben Kingsley, Martin Landau, Cloris Leachman, KARL MALDEN, Marley Matlin, Hayley Mills!!!!, Rita Moreno, Patricia Neal (KLAATU BARADA NIKTO) Jack Nicholson, Tatum O Neal, Jack Palance, Louis Rainer, Julia Roberts, Cliff Robertson, MICKEY ROONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!, Eva Marie Saint!!!!, Susan Sarandon, Maximillian Schell, Mira Sorvino, Sissy Spacek, Mary Steenburgen, Meryl Streep, Barbara Streisend, Hillary Swank, John Voight, Christopher Walken, Denzel Washington, Teresa Wright SHADOW OF A DOUBT!!!!!!.... Peter O,Toole, Catherine Zeta Jones, Chris Cooper, Adrien Brody and Nicole Kidman!!!

Richard Gere come out... to introduce CHICAGO... an absolutely fantastic musical...

Marsha Gaye Hardin to present the award for ADAPTED SCREENPLAY THE HOURS .... THE PIANIST.... and the oscar goes to Ronald Harwood... for THE PIANIST... HOLY SHIT... is Pianist going to win... could Polanski win? Is it possible?

Ben Affleck presents for Original SCREENPLAY - FAR FROM HEAVEN, GANGS OF NEW YORK, MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING, TALK TO HER and Y TU MAMA TAMBIEN (WIN WIN WIN) and the winner is.... TALK TO HER - Pedro Almodovar.... Excellent Choice!!! PEDRO RULES!

Harrison Ford... oh shit... Harrison worked with Polanski... Roman is going to win... the tradition will continue... holy shit... we'll see.... ROB MARSHALL, MARTIN SCORSESE, STEPHEN DALDRY, ROMAN POLANSKI, PEDRO ALMODOVAR... and the winner is... ROMAN POLANSKI!!!!!!!

Kirk and Michael Douglas - Kirk - "This is my son Michael, he has two awards, but I'm still young... We're here to present tomorrow's headlines... Speak Succinctly" CHICAGO, GANGS OF NEW YORK, THE HOURS, TWO TOWERS, THE PIANIST and the winner is..... CHICAGO... wow... for not winning screenplay or director... wow, that bucks the signs.... BIZARRE...

Night everyone....