Hey folks, Harry here... Ok, I get into Valhalla, I've been roasted by Saturday Night Live! Now, if only I get to roast myself someday on Saturday Night Live. Unfortunately, I did not get to see it, as I was watching SPUN - the crazed NC-17 drug movie on a triple bill with THE QUIET AMERICAN and THE EYE.
However, due to Herc's report and the 120 others that I have in my email box... I can offer these criticisms...
#1. I'm offended at that fucking politically correct George Bush imitator, who dared to call me "Chubby!" I'm "MORBIDLY OBESE" goddamn it, and I've worked hard to get there. Fucking recognize dammit!!!
#2. I would not of asked George Bush Jr about the MATRIX 2 trailer. I would have asked him about the KILL BILL trailer, cuz its cooler!
#3. Going back to the Christopher Walken SNL back a few weeks ago, I would have had Walken reprise his character from DEAD ZONE, shaking Dubya's hand, seeing him do the "Put your damn hand on the scanner" speech and... well, you know where that goes.
#4. If any one can email me a under 9 meg MOV of that opening Skit, I'd love you long time!
Wow... On Saturday Night Live... sigh, if only Belushi or Farley could have done it! Oh well... Moriarty is gonna be so fucking jealous!!! Hahhahahahaha!!!
Harry out
How dare they?
Press Conference
- “I have invited the most diverse and respected media outlets to join me tonight and I have encouraged them ask the tough questions.”
- “Kathy Davis, Pineapple Growers Trade Association Weekly. As we head into war, is it safe to say that pineapples continue to be sweet and delicious?”
- “Now, let's ask some tough questions here. Yeah, chubby guy from Ain't It Cool News.”
- “I have a serious question. How kick-ass is that new ‘Matrix’ trailer??”
- “It is the opinion of this administration that it is totally kick-ass. Over here.”
- “Lori Donovan, Annual Donovan Family Christmas Newsletter. Did you know that our Bobby got accepted to Hofstra and little Susan is loving her ballet classes?”
- “Thank you, Lori. And I would like to offer you and your family my condolences on the passing of Mr. Whiskers.”
- B
Monologue: Salma Hayek
- “I have to admit I was a little nervous about doing this show, but the guys have been so nice to me. They've been offering me drinks, offering me massages. A lot of massages.”
- “What? No, I came up here to congratulate you on your Oscar nomination. And in case you're interested, I do own my own tuxedo.”
- “I don't know. After i saw how well Keanu Reeves did with his music career, i decided to quit acting and follow my dreams of rock glory.”
- D+
Top O’ The Morning
- “As we all know, St. Patrick is known for driving serpents out of Ireland. In honor of that, my genius friend over here decided to release over 75 snakes into the bar.”
- “I can't believe this. Rosa bloody Gonzalez. How can you be dating her? She doesn't have an Irish bone in her body.” “Sometimes I do.”
- “Now it's time to honor one of ireland's oldest traditions -- gettin' angry for no good reason.”
- B
TV FunHouse: Are You Hot?
- “You've got a strong face. I think forearms are a little big. You might want to do fewer wrist curls and start thinking about the biceps. I'm only gonna give you a five for sex appeal because of the mumbling. The mumbling is a little off-putting. Sorry.”
- “Dude, you need to get out of the tanning bed. That is way too dark.”
- “Okay, seriously, eat a cheeseburger.”
- B+
Versace Oscar Fashion Preview
- “Aghh! Actresses! No!”
- “A little closer. A little closer. You tell that bitch that I need to see her pregnant Zeta ass in person but also tell that mofo that I love her much. And when she come back if she could bring me a hot dog, just a small one with a little relish. Now GET OOOOOOUT!”
- “Oh, my god, I'm loving you as the new face of Versace, Christina Aguilera. Oh, you are my baby. I want to hold you in my arms and pat you on the little butt like a tiny baby. And then I could burp you and put a little powder on your bottom.”
- Why didn’t Amy Poehler play Michael Jackson?
- B
Boxed Cuckold
- “I mailed myself home to lay this little trap for you. And now after laying in wait for 28 hours, the trap is sprung! Ha!”
- “You're closer, but you're still not very close.”
- “Okay, hang on a second.”
- B-
Salma Disparages “Chicago”
- “The movie ‘Chicago’ is nominated for 13 Academy Awards. But let's look at the facts. "Chicago" is only 113 minutes long, while other nominated movies - for example ‘Frida’ - is 118 minutes long. What's the matter, ‘Chicago’? Couldn't you come up with five more minutes?”
- “And here's what they won't tell you about ‘Chicago.’ A musical play with the exact same name and story has been running on broadway for years. I call that plagiarism.”
- “ ‘Chicago's’ won plenty of stuff already. Vote ‘Frida.’”
- C
Ladies and Gentlemen, Christina Aguilera!
- “I am beautiful no matter what they say words can't bring me down.”
- “I am beautiful in every single way, yes, words can't bring me down”
- “Oh-oh-oh oh-oh-oh oo-oo-oo-ooh”
- C
Update
- “The U.S. Military exploded a new 21,000-pound megabomb, the largest non-nuclear weapon in history, over Florida Tuesday. Minutes after the explosion, Florida agreed to disarm.”
- “How about we cool with the freedom fries anyway, you fat asses. We're the fattest country in the world. Have you ever walked around an american mall? It's nothing by chik-filets and Lane Bryant track suits busting at the seams.”
- “Ferecito, there is no toilet in our dressing room.” “ Ay dios mio!”
- “Police arrested a chicago man who walked into a jewelry store and swallowed a 3-karat diamond ring valued at more than $37,000. The man said swallowing the diamond was all part of his plan to ask his proctologist to marry him.”
- “We loooooove ‘Gangs of New York.’ Grrrrrreally? You think that Scorsese's best work? No, you're right. They're just giving him props for all the times he was overlooked.”
- “No. Gollum’s not gay.”
- Wow! How much does Salma look like the white Julie Brown in that Lupe wig?? Chris Kattan sucks, but that Gollum stuff is gold …
- A
Seduction Class
- “I mean, you know, people have sexual appetites of varying degrees, and mine is on the higher end of the spectrum. And I think I have a lot to offer. I'm a CPA. And people think that accounting is boring. Guess what? It is! Also, in case you haven't figured it out -- I'm very funny.”
- “Well, I'm here because I haven't met the quality of lady that I would like and I feel like I need to put that idea out into the universe and find a woman of my dreams. Specifically, an Asian he-she.”
- “Well, I got nothing to lose except my virginity. Just kidding, I've done it twice.”
- C-
Salma Disparages “Chicago” Part II
- “Hi, I'm Salma Hayek. Can I conclusively say that there is a link between Al Qaeda and the movie ‘Chicago’? No. I cannot. But, I can tell you that the movie ‘Frida’ does not support terrorism.”
- C-
Kong’s Dong
- “I swear we pull on this thing the more it grows.”
- “She must be hoisting up fuiture. Yeah, there's two fuzzy bean bag chairs there.”
- “My arms are getting tired, honey.”
- B-
Once Again, Christina Aguilera!
- “I couldn't trust 'cause your bluff time is up.”
- “'Cause I've had enough you were there by my side always dowfor the ride.”
- “But your joyrid just came down in flames 'cause your greed sold me out of shame.”
- C
“Chicago” Responds
- “First of all, the movie ‘Chicago’ does not support terrorism. Second, Renee Zellweger was born a woman and has always been a woman.”
- “Don't let her fool you. Look very closely at her crotc you can see her cojones right there. She can’t win best actress. She's a dude!”
- C-
Herc’s rating for “Saturday Night Live” 28.15?
***1/2
The Hercules T. Strong Rating System:
I have a fever – and the only prescription that can cure me – is more cowbell!!
