Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
I’m stumbling back to bed here, bleary eyed, but I’m going to leave you with our good friends, that rowdy band of @$$holes you know and love:
Howdy, @$$heads! Cormorant here with another stunningly realized batch of reviews!
GASP! …as Jon Quixote suffers through CAPTAIN AMERICA: WHAT PRICE GLORY to learn that Bruce Jones might not be the industry’s savior after all!
SHRUG! …as I offer up a positive yet achingly middle-of-the-road review of ARIA: THE USES OF ENCHANTMENT!
WEEP LIKE A VICTORIAN FOP! …as Vroom Socko pays homage to the final issue of Peter David’s YOUNG JUSTICE!
DANCE A GODDAMN HOEDOWN! …as Ambush Bug reads X-TREME X-MEN the riot act, yet manages to find merit beneath its unholy exterior!
GET YOUR SMOKE ON! …as Buzz Maverik regales us with tales of adventure in Baghdad and some downright ecstatic words for RAWHIDE KID and FANTASTIC FOUR: UNSTABLE MOLECULES!
COUGH BLOOD! …as Bug returns to discuss the merits of superheroes versus movie monsters, none of them achieved in BATMAN/ALIEN TWO!
SWELL WITH ALL-AMERICAN PRIDE! …as Jon Quixote’s review of the latest EXILES instructs us all in the delicate art of reviewing comics “The @$$hole Way”!
And lastly…
SELF-FLAGELLATE! …as Vroom Socko salutes what sounds like a truly bitchin’ series of out-of-print graphic novels!
Onward!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: WHAT PRICE GLORY #1
Written by Bruce Jones
Art by Steve Rude; Inks/Letters by Mike Royer
Published by Marvel Comics
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“I’m seeing something that was always hidden. I’m in the middle of a mystery and it’s all secret.”
- Jeffrey Beaumont, BLUE VELVET
I’ve read this book many times. I had to study it, try to decode it, see if I could connect the dots 1-2-3 and pick up the magical algorithm that drove the story from one panel to the next. I thought, if I stared at it long enough, perhaps some surreal genius would work its way out of the background, like one of those Magic Eye paintings, and I’d clap my hands in rapture exclaiming, “Oh God, I see it now and it’s beautiful!”
Never happened. Maybe I need a hit from Frank Booth’s pocket tank before I can see the genius behind this comic, but I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that the nonsensical lurching of the plot was anything but intentional. This is not a very good comic. In fact, it’s quite bad.
Not stubbed-toe bad. Not even bad in a “she left me and took the dog” way. But Bad, with a capital “B”, like two trains crashing into each other at explosive speed, resulting in wreckage so catastrophically twisted that if you step back and squint, it almost looks like art. Almost.
I don’t normally do plot summaries but…
Steve Rogers is on his way to a birthday party when he witnesses a baker attacked by mob goons. Steve helps the baker to his feet and then…buys a cake and continues on. The party’s for a crippled war vet and his very hot wife (gratuitous shower scene + Rude’s old fashioned style = Kirby porn!). The crippled friend is depressed, so Steve yells at him for a while (thanks, Dr. Phil), and then goes to a bar where he beats the crap out of a biker, and then dances the night away with the guy’s girlfriend. Then he’s summoned by a wealthy Dennis Franz (or is it Ruben Blades?) who knows that Steve is Captain America, but is operating under the delusion that nobody else does, because he wants Cap to go undercover in Las Vegas where “neither the police nor (the bad guy) know who” he is. How does that work?
I swear, What Price Glory is one backwards-talking dream midget away from being a trippy cult masterpiece. And I haven’t even gotten to the part where Cap lets a thug throw a hostage off a building (relax, the thirty seconds it took them to get to the roof was enough time for the cops to show up and put a mattress right beneath the spot where the hostage would be thrown off. Cap had it all under control). Or where he tells a cop that matches will kill her.
Well, it’s not boring. Never boring. Frustrating, tiring, confusing, but not boring.
And disappointing. The people behind this comic are capable of much better work than this. I had such high hopes for this mini. But it’s a mess. The narrative makes little sense, and jumps all over the place, creating a confusing pace with a slapped-together feel. The characterization is strange, especially Cap who acts in an irresponsible, detached manner throughout. The Kirbyish art is a nice throwback, but doesn’t really fit the tone and direction of the story – other than the banal simplicity, I guess. Maybe the point is to show how stupid comics were back then, but even that goal could have been accomplished in a much smarter, less oblique manner.
All it did is make me realize how stupid comics can be today. I’m not used to reading a comic this sloppy and, frankly, amateurish. I’m surprised that a big publisher like Marvel would put it on the stands. So maybe I am missing something.
ARIA: THE USES OF ENCHANTMENT #1 (of 4)
Writer: Brian Holguin
Artist: Lan Medina
Publisher: Image Comics
Reviewed by Cormorant
Guilty pleasures. Everyone’s got ‘em, and when it comes to the comics medium, I think I’ve got maybe eight or ten of ‘em. Hopefully they’re balanced out by the really good stuff, but that doesn’t mean they should be shunned like that shaved dwarf your parents keep in the attic. Sometimes, guilty pleasures are even pretty decent. ARIA’s one of those books.
For you newcomers, ARIA is the general title of several miniseries concerning a 900-year-old Faerie princess named Kildare who runs a bookstore in modern day Greenwich Village. She’s a little on the decadent side, more concerned with looking good and hangin’ with her entourage of other Faerie expatriates than using her magic for any particularly benevolent cause. She’s also a romantic though, with a bit of an adventurer’s streak and a good heart, and she and her troupe of stylish and cool Faerie pals usually end up banding together to save the world or right some ancient wrong. The series draws heavily on real folklore and fairy tales, though more with designs on importing classic fairy tale romance and tragedy to the modern world than delving into the literary depth of, say, Neil Gaiman’s SANDMAN.
This latest mini, titled “The Uses of Enchantment”, begins in 1983 with a car crash that may or may not have killed a woman already dealing with her husband leaving and a diagnosis of cervical cancer. We then jump to the present day, where Kildare receives a curious invitation in the form of a small scroll tied to the leg of a pigeon (at least I think it was a pigeon – my ornithological skills blow). Seems she’s been invited to a mysterious affair to be hosted by “Oberon the Second”…except, she knew the original Oberon, lord of the fairies, and he’s supposed to be dead as a doornail, with no heirs to take up the mantle. Her friends are suspicious of a trap, and she’s suspicious it’s a trap, but the call of adventure still has her hailing a cab the following day, with instructions for the driver to follow the messenger bird wherever it goes.
Meanwhile, her destination is hardly a mystery to the reader, as we catch glimpses of a lush, fairy tale-style castle in the throes of preparing for a celebration. It looks friendly enough on the surface, even Oz-like as a talking hedgehog busies himself with coordinating the event. Lurking below the surface (literally), however, is some sort of malevolent beast caged in the dungeons. Probably gonna be trouble in the future, and I bet he’s tied in somehow to the woman from the car crash. Further amping the threat level is the encounter Kildare has shortly after the cabbie drops her off at the edge of a mist-shrouded forest somewhere in the Catskills, an encounter with what can only be an incarnation of the Germanic myth of the Wild Hunt (scary guy with stag horns leading a pack of black wolves). This blend of the magical and the menacing is at the heart of the series, being the central hook after the artwork.
Ah, yes, the art. ARIA has a tradition of elaborate, realist art, begun by artist Jay Anacleto, and ably carried on by current artist Lan Medina. Medina recently pencilled the first arc of the breakout Vertigo title, FABLES, but his work here is even more elaborate, shot directly from his pencils and colored by such luminaries as Steve Oliff (X-MEN: GOD LOVES, MAN KILLS). The net effect is very close to Charles Vess’s vivid style of painted art, as seen in such projects as ROSE and STARDUST. Character designs are extremely distinct, the architecture is stunningly ornate, and the greenery in particular is all but tangible. You can preview the first five pages of the story here. It’s truly impressive stuff, marred only very occasionally by a slickness to the visuals that veers past lushness and slightly into gaudiness.
In fact, that carries over into my general criticism of the series, which is that its glossy, sexy veneer somewhat undermines the primal nature of the authentic legends it sources. I like the lead and all the supporting players (notably the tattooed warrior/party animal, Pug), but I notice a sort of wish fulfillment coming from the creators in the way these characters blend hipster, modern personas with legendary beauty and power. You get the sense that maybe the creators have been to one too many Renaissance Fairs and have developed an overly romanticized view of folklore. Whether you can enjoy this “glam” coating depends on your temperament. For me, it’s hit and miss, but not so distracting as to keep me from a fun (and well drawn) fantasy series.
Final judgment: Looking for something different? Something mysterious, but not too weighty? Something beautifully rendered? ARIA might be up your alley. It’s got some of the same elements as Bill Willingham’s excellent FABLES…but with more cute, sophisticated babes. It also reads a bit like SANDMAN-lite…with more cute, sophisticated babes. On the other hand, if all things Renaissance Fair give you hives, best to just keep on walkin’.
Unless you like cute, sophisticated babes.
YOUNG JUSTICE #55
Peter David: Writer
Todd Nauck: Artist
DC Comics: Publisher
Vroom Socko: Morose @$$hole
The trouble started around ten PM last Wednesday.
Hearing screams from the @$$hole Clubhouse bar, Cormorant picked up the nearest shotgun and bolted down the stairs. He found the Village Idiot cowering in the corner while Ambush Bug and Sleazy G tried in vain to hold down Vroom Socko, who had a throwing knife clenched in one fist. Its twin was buried in a nearby computer monitor, just above the Idiot. Corm quickly hit Vroom in the forehead with the butt of the shotgun, knocking him cold. It was then he noticed that Vroom smelled strongly of peaches.
“Goddamn it! He’s been in the schnapps again, hasn’t he?” Corm moaned as he and Bug dragged Vroom to the couch.
“I…I was just looking up some stuff about the Teen Titans cartoon.” The Idiot cowered back even further into his corner. “And then he…and then…”
“Relax Id, relax. Vroom?”
“Uhwhasisfuknshit”
“Vroom you doglicking sonuvabitch, wake up!”
Vroom’s eyes snapped open. “That piece a’ shit cartoon! They killed Young Justice for it! Those monkey fuckers! Where’s my other knife?”
“Calm down man, calm down. There’s no reason to act homicidal over… wait, you read Young Justice?”
“Bite me Bug. Yes I read Young Justice. It’s a fun book. And now it’s dead.”
Cormorant put his shotgun down on the bar. “No death alliteration, please. I’m still suffering from your lousy Thunderbolts review. Besides, I flipped through this week’s issue, and it’s not that great. Peter David isn’t THAT funny a writer, and the bit with Darkseid was a total ripoff of the end to Scott McCloud’s Zot! Online. It’s not that big a loss.
Vroom glared at Cormorant, his finger resting along the edge of his knife. “The book was selling. It was selling and they canceled it, just so they could cross promote their stupid TV series. THAT’S what pisses me off.” He settled back in his seat. “I admit that David’s not laugh out loud funny. If I want laugh out loud funny, I’ll read Evan Dorkin or Gail Simone. Now David, he’s charming funny. He doesn’t make me laugh a lot, but on this book he always brings a smile to my face. Besides, he ends the series with a dig at one of the worst DC crossovers in the long, sad history of DC crossovers.”
“I liked the ending too. Mainly because of what happens to that stupid Slo-Bo charact-EEP!” The Idiot looked up at the knife that had appeared just above his head.
“Back in your corner, Id.”
“Nice aim, Mick Dundee. Look, calm down. Geoff Johns is going to be writing these characters in Teen Titans. It’s not like they’re going anywhere.”
“You’re forgetting something - G. Johns doesn’t get his turn until Judd Winick is through with them.”
Sleazy G got up and climbed behind the bar. “More schnapps?”
“Wait a second Vroom. I want to know one thing first. Most of our readers hate these fictionalized back and forth bits. Why didn’t you just write a straight review?”
Vroom smiled a vicious little smile. “Why Bug, you know better than that. When I’m miserable, I want everyone else to be miserable too.”
Bug sat down at the bar. “In that case, get out that bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue Buzz has hidden back there. Drinking that’ll sure make him miserable.”
The five @$$holes lifted their glasses. “To fun superhero books, may there be more of them in our future.”
“TO FUN SUPERHERO BOOKS!”
Title: X-TREME X-MEN #22
Writer: Chris Claremont
Artist: Salvador Larroca
Publisher: MARVEL
Reviewer: Ambush Bug
X-TREME X-MEN is like GODFATHER III. It really isn’t needed. In both cases, enough was told in the first two installments – with GODFATHER III it was the first two films, with X-TREME X-MEN it’s the NEW X-MEN and UNCANNY X-MEN series. Anything more is overkill, failing to add anything good to the mythos, and simultaneously exploiting once great characters and sullying what came before them. I’ve been meaning to write a review for X-TREME X-MEN since its re-release a few months ago. The previous series was slow moving and directionless. Once popular characters from the X-Men mythos were pitted against menaces both otherworldly and human alike, but their biggest fight was for space in the panel since Chris Claremont chooses to fill entire panels with lengthy dialog and unneeded discourse. When I heard the series was taking a hiatus with issue 19, I was happy. It gave me a chance to drop the book, but like Al Pacino from the unneeded sequel, just when I thought I was free from it all, they pulled me back in.
The reason for my re-entry into the world of X-TREME X-MEN is not because the bad things about this title have been eliminated. Oh no. All of the bad things are still there. Claremont is still filling panel after panel with balloon after balloon and caption after caption of ridiculous dialog. I’m afraid to do a word count on the average Claremont book. He’s a wordy sumbitch. And he’s his own worst enemy. He’s got interesting concepts, but chooses to sabotage them by over-explaining everything. He also sabotages the beautiful art in this book by overcrowding every panel with words that explain the action going on instead of letting the artist depict it like a good comic should. Of course, you can’t see the action since the balloons obscure it all. It’s a frustrating circle because if Claremont would shut his characters the fuck up for a second, he might actually be creating a good comic, but we can’t see it.
So why do I like X-TREME X-MEN? Well, there are two reasons: Bishop and Sage. The first three issues of the re-launch have focused mainly on these two characters and the story has been better for it. Like a mutant Scully and Mulder, Bishop and Sage have been investigating a series of bizarre, grisly murders. The killer looks to be a mutant and these two investigators must solve the case, even if they are forced to break into Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters to do it. I like the idea of mutant investigators tackling mutant mysteries. Bishop is a time lost cop. Sage is a mutant computer. The two work well together as they piece together the mystery. This concept is fresh and gives this book the hook that it needs to distinguish itself from the other two X-titles.
I would love to see Claremont drop Storm, Gambit, and Rogue from this title and focus solely on this pair of investigators. Claremont doesn’t seem to know what to do to make Gambit and Rogue interesting and his subplot starring a recuperating Storm is the worst part of this arc. But the back and forthings between Bishop and Sage are great stuff. Both are serious investigators, but Bishop doesn’t trust Sage due to her past allegiance with the Hellfire Club and Sage withholds information from Bishop because of her own insecurities. It would be interesting to see this relationship develop into one of trust and not be mired down with characters that Claremont obviously doesn’t seem to be interested in.
Larroca’s art has never been better. This new technique of scanning the artist’s pencils is a truly innovative one. The pencils make the art look more detailed and give a bare, honest authenticity that the collaboration between inker and penciller often doesn’t have. Quite a few of Marvel’s books are utilizing this technique nowadays. Will the trend of scanning pencils mark the end of the often overlooked inker? Only time will tell. All I know is I have enjoyed looking at every one of Marvel’s books that use this artistic process.
The book’s not great, but I see seeds of greatness in it. There are too many unneeded characters in the book. Wolverine is used simply because he is Wolverine. He does nothing to forward the plot and is only there to sell more issues. Storm’s subplot concerning her recovery and feud between Emma Frost is tedious to read through. Claremont either isn’t interested in these characters or doesn’t know what to do with them. Advice to the creators of this book: Forget the rest of the characters and focus on Bishop and Sage. They’re damn cool. Forget the Destiny Journals and focus on the mutant mysteries. That’s what is interesting. Tell Claremont to shut the fuck up with the dialog and have Larroca continue with the beautiful art. SHOW DON”T TELL!!! The art is strong. The parts with Bishop and Sage are really, really good. Right now, X-TREME X-MEN is without direction and purpose. It is an unneeded book that is only on the shelves to exploit the letter X for Marvel. But with a little tweaking, this book could be one of my favorites among the three X-Books by offering something fresh to a franchise that is spread way too thin.
FANTASTIC FOUR: UNSTABLE MOLECULES # 3
Written by James Sturm
Art by James Sturm, Guy Davis, R. Sikoryak, Jack Kirby
Published by Marvel
RAWHIDE KID: SLAP LEATHER # 2
Written by Ron Zimmerman
Art by John Severin
Published by Marvel
Reviews by Buzz Maverik
BAGHDAD -- Hey, gang! Boy, is this an exciting time to be a Talkback League @$$hole or what? Ya see, not too long ago, a representative of the US government approached the League with an intriguing offer.
"We want a member of the League to kill Saddam Hussein," this mystery G-man, known to us only as "Mr. Dubya", said.
We at the TL@ have a policy of never turning down a government request. Besides, they had us on videotape. Since I'm eleven months behind on my dues, I got the job.
It seems Saddam is an avid comic book collector and never misses our column here at AICN. He even posts sometimes under the user i.d. "The Human Bioweapon" and was in that big flame war with Bizzaromark last month about whether Americans should die or not.
In the spirit of Sean Penn, I set up a meeting with President Hussein under the guise of being a liberal (I'm actually a Zen anarchist) who wished to gather the facts for myself and talk comics. And Hussein is a man eager to talk comics. Even during the initial phone call, he launched into an hour long rant about what's wrong with the Vertigo line.
The plan was that I would ask Saddam to autograph an issue of MARVILLE that was rigged to explode when touched with a pen. We really should have let the CIA make the death device but Ambush Bug said he could do it. The bomb fizzled, of course, which is what we get for trying to stay "in house." I would have stabbed Saddam with the pen but he was holding it so I had to attack him with my bare hands.
He kicked my ass! For a pudgy, middle-aged dictator, that Saddam can really fight!
I was thrown into the dungeon beneath the royal palace and it was a living hell. It's like these Iraqis never heard of the Geneva Convention. They used tepid water for my sponge bath and that manicure left a lot to be desired. I considered it my duty as a Talkback @$$hole first and an American second to escape!
Inspired by John Dillinger, I whittled a fake gun out of the femur bone belonging to the former occupant of my cell. Wandering about the palace, looking for the Presidential liquor cabinet, I came across ...Saddam's Secret Stash. Ultimate fanboy that he is, Hussein built his own comic shop right in his fortress. The Republican Guardsman who was supposed to be manning the place must have been searching for me. Among the new releases, I noticed FANTASTIC FOUR: UNSTABLE MOLECULES # 3 and RAWHIDE KID #2. Since these two minis are my current favorites bearing the Marvel name, I delayed my escape long enough to check 'em out and report to you.
UNSTABLE MOLECULES # 3 is the Human Torch issue, just as # 2 was the Invisible Girl issue. Writer James Sturm completely nailed the timeless adolescent despair and longing. Johnny and his friend Richard aren't just acting out teen angst. They are in real pain, to the point where neither young man cares if he lives or dies. This issue is one of the best character pieces I've ever seen in comics. Sturm has created a great, desperate character. Where is the book going and what does it have to do with the FANTASTIC FOUR? Does it matter? There's no other book like UNSTABLE MOLECULES and very few that are as good.
Moving from pain to laughter, RAWHIDE KID # 2 spoofs its subjects (Western heroes, the cult of personality, pop culture) while staying true to the conventions of the Western genre. Ron Zimmerman and John Severin are giving us a gay SHANE (and admit it, Alan Ladd was always a little spiffy for a gunfighter, now wasn't he?). The Kid is completely self-possessed but more than able to master any Old West situation. I fondly recall a CRACKED SPECIAL full of Severin's western comedy cartoons. His artwork brings droll authenticity to the farce. I have to admit, this is my first Zimmerman book. If his other things were this good, I can only imagine that all the negative reactions came from his unexpected outlook and a voice that is unique to comics.
Two great books, each doing something different with the mainstream comic book medium!
Just got an instant message from "Mr. Dubya". Looks like I can't count on being airlifted out of the Hussein Hilton here. Would somebody please explain again what "disavowed" means?
Title: BATMAN/ALIENS TWO #1-3
Writer: Ian Edington
Pencils: Staz Johnson
Inks: James Hodgkins
Publishers: DC COMICS/ DARK HORSE COMICS
Reviewer: Ambush Bug
For years now, DC has pounded the differences between Superman and Batman down our throats. Story after story has been dedicated to distinguishing these two characters as polar opposites and we @$$holes are pretty fed up with stories of this type. They’ve become dull and clichéd and all too common. So in response to this, I, Ambush Bug, am going to…um…well…open this review with a comparison of the two icons. Ahem.
DC and DARK HORSE have collaborated to produce “team up” or “versus” books for quite a while. What once started as an in-house battle of the monsters (ALIENS VS. PREDATOR, TERMINATOR VS. ROBOCOP, ALIENS VS. PREDATOR VS. TERMINATOR VS. Hell, I don’t know, AIR BUD) has overflowed into the super hero territory. I’ve enjoyed the pair of SUPERMAN VS. ALIENS miniseries and most of the BATMAN VS. PREDATOR minis. These stories brought out the best aspects of both properties. The most successful of these series seem to follow a certain formula.
Superman seems more fitting to take on the brood of Aliens because the threat of these creatures is otherworldly. Their motivations are alien and ultimately geared towards reproducing themselves and wiping out whatever is in their wake, which often includes entire populations of innocents. A danger of this scope seems more up the alley of a Superman tale where the world-threatening challenge rests on the shoulders of a man who can do the job of many. Superman can pull off a tale of that scope because he is much more than one man. The fact that Superman is an alien himself offers a certain irony that comics gold is made of. One race of aliens are bent on annihilation of all life while another alien is sworn to protect this life. Pretty cool stuff.
Batman, on the other hand, seems better suited for the PREDATOR series. Those monstrous creatures have a more human motivation: the thrill and glory of the hunt. Their methods are intellectual and driven by an all too human urge to hunt and kill for sport. And no one hunts and kills in Gotham. Batman makes sure of this. This threat is more intimate. It deals with a danger on a more human level by having Bats face off against a smaller challenge which needs the skills of a tracker and detective of Batman’s caliber. Batman always works best when grounded in some sort of reality which is warped, not by science or sorcery, but by the twisted machinations of the human mind.
Maybe that’s why, for the most part, the most successful of these team-ups pit Supes against the Aliens and Bats against the Predators. When the two companies try to mix it up, though, it just doesn’t cut the mustard. And BATMAN/ALIENS TWO is a perfect example of this.
Let’s cut to the chase. BATMAN/ALIENS TWO is not a great miniseries. Issue one started out promising enough. A bunker is unearthed and opened in a construction site in the middle of Gotham City. Inside lies a Batcave full of secrets and a dormant Alien. In the first issue, Batman tracks the Alien throughout the sewers and subways of Gotham, ending with a bloody brawl which leaves Batman in bandages and the Alien underneath a ton of rubble. What unfolds in the rest of the series, though, is what bad sci-fi movies are made of.
The main problem is that the creators of this series chose to lift aspects of the worst movies in the ALIEN franchise. ALIEN was an intimate film which depicted a drooling terror full of teeth and black spires picking off the crew of a spaceship. That film was creepy, atmospheric, and intense. ALIENS upped it a notch, increasing the Aliens in number, thus increasing the danger. This film traded atmosphere for action and the result was an equally entertaining film. Both films dealt with visceral themes – ALIEN with the rush of unknown fear and ALIENS with that roller coaster adrenaline thrill. The series grew in size and scope while remembering what came before it. Audiences loved them. But like many movie franchises, the initial human aspect that made the original popular was lost as the series went on. The sequels chose to rely on over-attention to less intellectual and more shallow aspects like ludicrous sci-fi concepts of cloning and gene-splicing Alien hybrids. One would think that when writing this team-up book, one would take these films into consideration. But that’s not what happens. The creators chose to lift themes from lesser installments of the ALIENS series. And the results are about as favorable to this reviewer as ALIEN: RESURRECTION was to film-goers.
You see, the trapped Alien found in the first issue of BATMAN/ ALIENS TWO was the subject of a genetic research experiment. The goal was to reproduce and splice Alien genetics with humans to – you guessed it – create a what would be a new Super-Soldier or Weapon X program if this were a Marvel title. But this isn’t Marvel, so it’s just a splinter fraction of the government behind this insidious and ridiculous plot. As this contrived plot unfolds, an evil doctor thinks it’s a good idea to lift the DNA of Arkham Asylum’s most notorious inmates. Wackiness ensues as it often does as Batman tracks down Alien versions of the Joker, Scarecrow, Two Face, Poison Ivy, Mr. Freeze and Killer Croc. Contrivances aside, I must admit, it would be kind of cool to see Alien versions of Batman’s Rogues Gallery. But the writer chose to drop the warped personalities and twisted character traits of the Joker, Two Face, and the rest. Instead, the Aliens share the physical likeness of Arkham’s finest, but lack even an ounce of their personality. This is a major missed opportunity on the writer’s part.
Missed opportunities lay throughout. Batman’s supporting team is no where to be found. Batman wants to take these Aliens on alone. He doesn’t want to endanger Robin or Nightwing or even the Huntress. But it would have been interesting to see Batman’s brood take on this menacing Alien brood. And the final issue wouldn’t be so redundant as Batman systematically kills – that’s right kills – the Alien-hybrids one by one, had the rest of the Batman Family been around.
Yeah, you heard me right. Batman kills in this mini-series. Sure they are hybrids of humans and the Aliens, but they do seem to have some sort of sentience according to the clichéd dialog spewing from their lips. Seeing Batman callously wipe each Alien-hybrid out throughout the final issue is extremely out of character. Bats even picks up a machine gun at one point; something the Dark Knight would never do. And even if he does, he had better have a damn good reason to do so. Blowing down a locked door isn’t a good enough reason for Batman to pick up a weapon that was the prime motivator in his creation.
There are some interesting aspects of this series. During the siege on Arkham in issue two, Batman has a nice moment with Two-Face as they are forced to work together against the Aliens, but this moment is short lived. The art is decent. Staz Johnson has improved a bit since his extended stint on ROBIN and draws the spiny Aliens particularly well. Too bad the Alien-Arkhamite Hybrids look utterly ridiculous. All in all, I can’t recommend this miniseries. It may be because of a mismatch of franchises. It may be due to contrived and out of character writing. Whatever it is, the series is a complete miss after a series of hits from DC and DARK HORSE collaborations in the past. I hope the next collaboration tries to bring out the best of both properties instead of exploiting the absolute worst.
EXILES #23
Written by Judd Winick
Art by Kev Walker
Published by Marvel Comics
A Jon Quixote Instructional
Oh goody, another Marvel Universe Has Been Taken Over By ( Blank) alternate reality EXILES comic. I don’t think I could have asked for better fodder to teach you all…
HOW TO REVIEW COMICS THE @$$HOLE WAY
Greetings, @$$ Believers. Jazzy’ Jon Quixote here to let you know that you too can review comics just like your friends here at the @$$ie @$$hole @$$pen.
@$$holes live and work in an environment of extremes. Maybe it’s because our short attention spans have been ruined by strobe lights, Secret Wars, and Spike Jonze videos, or maybe it’s the Pine Sol lacing our drinking water, but we live in a world of impossible highs, abysmal lows, and not much in between. So the first step in reviewing a comic like EXILES #23 is to decide whether it is the worst or the best comic you’ve ever read. It’ll look a little something like this:
EXILES #23 is (a glimmer of light shining down from comic book Elysium / a piece of shit so foul it makes actual shit look like Potpourri). The creative team should be (showered with praise / chemically castrated) for having the (brilliance / audacity) to put a book like this on the stands. Reading it was like getting (fellatio from a seraphim / a colonoscopy with an ice auger).
Once you’ve decided upon which pole to stake your critical flag, it’s time to put the spotlight on The Writing. But before this can be done, you must first identify whether or not the book is published by Marvel or DC. (If you’re thinking about reviewing an independent comic, be sure to pick up HOW TO REVIEW COMICS THE LIZZYBETH WAY, on sale in May.)
EXILES is a Marvel comic, so some sort of reference must be made to yesteryear:
Finally, a Marvel comic that invokes the old-school spirit that made us all fans in the first place. OR. Once again, Marvel seems to be distancing themselves from their roots, secretly embarrassed to be publishing superhero comics.
The implication must be that New is Bad. Even if you’re criticizing a straight superhero comic or praising something that’s punching-free, it’s very important that the universal perception of an @$$hole review remains intact. Your vocal detractors can’t be expected to actually read your reviews before decrying you, so the goal here is to make their job that much easier. An @$$hole aims to please.
With that established, you can turn your attention to the writer. It’s important to be very clear on this point: Genius or Spastic.
Judd Winick is obviously (a talent that burns with the heat of a thousand suns / missing a few chromosomes). The sheer (brilliance / retardation) of this book is (awesome / baffling). Based on the level of talent evidenced here, it’s obvious that Winick has (entrenched himself as one of the greats / a family tree shaped like a baseball bat).
With the writing solidly critiqued, it’s time to turn to the Art. Now, as an @$$hole, chances are you can’t draw worth shit. The buzz-word to remember here is “lip-service.”
The art could be (worse / better).
There. Safe and bland – nobody can call you on that. Next up is an easy to remember rule we like to call DFAGS – Don’t Forget About Gail Simone! It ain’t an @$$Hole review without a shout-out to the one person who found a practical use for the internet:
Even though the restraining order stung a little, I still maintain that Gail Simone should be writing this comic. She’s one of the greatest literary talents since Shakespeare. Or possibly God.
Okay, so the meat of the review is out of the way! You’re rounding third and heading for home plate. Now all you need to do is come up with some strange, self-referential framework for the whole thing, filled with in-jokes that only you and your two regular readers will get. Favorites include an introduction that includes you embarking on some sort of illegal misadventure with Buzz or some weird, parodic format that will completely undermine any critical potential the review might have held:
HOW TO REVIEW COMICS THE @$$HOLE WAY
Greetings, @$$ Believers…
There you have it, gang! Following those simple steps will put you well on your way to getting your very own retinal signature scanned into the @$$hole HQ Security System. All you need now is a bookshelf full of thesauruses, a history of creative substance abuse, and a fierce insistence that you didn’t want to have sex in High School anyways. Well, blackmail-worthy pictures of Moriarty coming out of a Pauly Shore movie help too.
Good luck, and remember – rewriting is for dumbasses who can’t get it right the first time.
@$$CELSIOR!
TALES FROM THE CREVICE: BOOKS THAT FELL THROUGH THE CRACK
By Vroom Socko
This week, I’m going to tell you all about one of THOSE comics. No, I’m not reviewing another porn comic, you bastards. I’m talking about the kind of book that changes you. It changed me, anyway. It probably helped that I was a young @$$hole at the time, but the combination of creators on this book is enough to stagger anyone coming upon them for the first time. Throw in some appropriately dark and fanciful art, and you have Thieves’ World.
Adapted and edited by Robert Asprin and Lynn Abbey, the comic is based on the fantasy anthology of the same name, (also edited by Asprin and Abbey.) The stories from these books were written by the likes of Poul Anderson, Andrew J. Offutt, A. E. Van Vogt, Philip Jose Farmer, Janet Morris, Vonda McIntyre, and the two industrious editors. The concept behind Thieves’ World is a great one; create a fictional city in a fictional empire, then invite a boatload of SF/Fantasy writers to play with this new world. Arrange the events in one story to have an impact in the other stories, allow writers to share characters with each other, and you end up with one hell of a series.
As for the characters that populate the series, well, many of them are the most ferocious, brutal scumbags I’ve ever encountered. First up is the slaver/ gangster Jubal, whose Hawk-masked mercenaries control the underworld of the city of Sanctuary. Then there’s Shadowspawn, a thief and womanizer who, almost against his will, becomes a friend and confidant to Sanctuary’s governor, the Prince Kadakithis. You also have One Thumb, the drug-dealing owner of The Vulgar Unicorn, the most popular dive bar in the city. One of the strangest of the city’s residents is Enas Yorl, a magician who is cursed with a body that constantly changes shape. The best (or worst,) of them is Tempus Thales, the immortal servant of the god Vashanka. This guy makes Wolverine look like Speedball. There’s one great scene where one the prince’s bodyguards, known as the Hell Hounds, comes at him with a knife. Tempus lets the guy stab him through his hand, and then slams the man against the wall, using his metacarpals to twist the knife out of his grasp. After an associate removed the dagger from his palm, he forces his assailant to drink the blood from his rapidly healing wound. Now that is a bad motherfucker.
The artwork on the book is simply glorious. Done in black and white, all six volumes were done by a then unknown artist named Tim Sale. While his work here obviously isn’t on the same level as his masterpiece of a comic, Batman: The Long Halloween, it’s still amazingly done, and clearly by Sale. Anyone interested in the evolution of his artistic technique would do well to seek out one of these volumes.
I said at the beginning of this that this book changed me, and I meant it. Not necessarily through the comic itself, (although it was the first time I’d seen naked tits in a comic book. Oh shut up!) but through the original stories they told. After pouring through the comics and the prose books, I headed to a local used bookshop to hunt down more of the written work of these contributors. The staff not only showed me the best starting points, but also pointed me toward the works of Alfred Bester and Harlan Ellison. For some strange reason, the first book of Farmer’s I picked up was Image of the Beast, which probably explains quite a bit about me.
This six volume series may be a hard one to find, but it is well worth the search. The stories follow those in the first three books in the series. I wish that there’d been more comics done; I’d have loved to see Sale draw the Stepsons, or the mage Strick. However, since I was eleven years old when I discovered these comics, they probably stopped at just the right place. You see, the next story in the chronology is A Man and his God, which features Tempus killing a man with his fist. No, he doesn’t punch anyone, he… well, you get the idea.
Look for this comic. Not only is it kick ass fantasy, but it also helps explain just why I’m such a fucked up perv.
Question for Discussion
What comic messed with your mind the most?
