Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
Don’t get confused by the title. This review is not for the horror film that came out last weekend. Instead, it’s for one that was made in Spain, and that seems to give today’s reader absolute fits. Check this out...
Wanna hear (actually, “read”) a Horror Story? O.K., let’s begin...
It all began on a dark and stormy evening, yesterday evening. Even thinking back at what happened... it still gives me the creeps.
Think about the recent Hollywood Horror/Thrillers: GHOST SHIP, 13 GHOSTS, SOUL SURVIVORS, QUEEN OF THE DAMNED, SWIMFAN, ABANDON, THEY, HALLOWEEN RESURRECTION, DARKNESS FALLS, FEAR DOT COM... ahhh, what beautifully crafted, wonderfully acted and superbly plotted movies these are...
WHAT? ARE YOU CRAZY? DID YOU HAVE A SPEED DONUT FOR BREAKFAST?
No, I didn’t; but thanks for asking. - I’m dead serious. They are all Oscar worthy, the “crème de la crème”... compared to what I saw last night.
It was terrible. But I survived, and I’m here to beg you:
AVOID THIS MOVIE AT ALL COST!!!
This is not some psychological shit where you say something in order to let the others do the opposite – reverse psychology I believe it is called... – No, this is damn serious:
AVOID THIS MOVIE AT ALL COST!!!
Or more Movies like this one will be made, and... Please god, no... I can’t even think of it... I’m even afraid to tell you what movie I saw. Just to write down it’s title... Oh god! I’m sorry, I’m trying, but I really can’t.
WHAT THE FUCK?!? AT LEAST TELL US ABOUT THE MOVIE.
O.K. The Movie I saw (even calling it movie is too much of a compliment) was produced by FANTASTIC FACTORY, a Spanish Film Production associated with the great Brian Yuzna, which you may know – or probably don’t know - from such movies as ARACHNID, FAUST!, DAGON, and THE NAMELESS, and which is currently working on BEYOND RE-ANIMATOR. As far as I know, the movie I saw will be released in USA (NO!!!!!!!!) by... GUESS WHO???
Exactly, you got it right: DIMENSION/MIRAMAX.
As far as I know it already played at the STIGES FESTIVAL, so Harry – you survived it too.
Anyway, it was directed by Jaime Balaguerò, a Spanish Director highly praised for his short films ALICIA and DIAS SIN LUZ, and the multi-award winner THE NAMELESS, a psychological thriller with creepy visuals, a good and solid story, but a lame ending.
SO WHAT WENT WRONG?
Everything else! Seriously, this movie is so bad that's difficult to say what sucks most. Let’s start with the plot.
THE PLOT (sic!) is actually only a mere collection of clichés, and there are SO MANY plot holes that's kind of difficult to find any plot in it. When the screenwriters pitched the project it wound have sounded probably like: “It’s THE OTHERS meets THE SIXTH SENSE meets WHAT LIES BENEATH meets ROSEMARY'S BABY meets ROBERT WISE'S THE HAUNTING meets THE SHINING meets THE EXORCIST III meets... every other classic Horror Movie out there.”
So you get the old and isolated house in which some tragedy happened (forty) years ago, the nice family that moves in and stays though weird things happen, the psycho-father (Iain Glen) that goes nuts, the little kid (Stephan Enquist) that gets haunted by ghosts, a mom (Lena Olin) who is both overprotective and a careless bitch, the big breasted daughter (Anna Paquin) that seems the only one to see that things are weird, the wise doctor (Giancarlo Giannini), the odd and scary man (Fermin Reixach) that helps to unveil the mystery, the book in the library with all the information they need, a solar eclipse...
AND THE ACTING! The character are flawed, and everyone just acts not even close to what real people would do in situations like that. Iain Glen is pathetic as the psycho-father. He acts like a wannabe Jack Nicholson in THE SHINING. Lena Olin’s character is totally unbelievable and her acting seems forced and bored – almost as if she already knew in what a mess she jumped in. But the award for WORST ACTING goes undoubtedly to Fele Martinez, as Carlos the insignificant and dumb boyfriend who is basically useless. As for Miss Paquin, unfortunately she does not show her “Paquins” and does some good job with her terribly underwritten part.
SOMETHING ELSE?
Actually yeah! But I don’t wanna waste your time telling you about how contrived the ending was, or how embarrassingly amateurish the photography was, or about the boring soundtrack. Just know that the movies’ 100 minutes felt like an ETERNITY.
WAS THERE ANYTHING GOOD?
Yes! 8 wise guys who walked out in the first 20 minutes. 8 Guys who actually PAID to see this movie – but felt that they already suffered so much, so they abandoned all hope and left the theatre.
THE END???
Almost. One thing’s still missing... and since I’m feeling better after emptying all my sorrow, I am now ready to tell you the name of this boring, offensive, repetitive, timewasting movie.
DARKNESS.
Yeah, I know, I should have avoided this movie only by reading its name, since this was the original title for “The Others”, but you know what they say... “learn from your mistakes” – and that’s exactly what I’m going to do:
This weekend I’m going to see “Final Destination 2”. AHHHHHHHHH!!!
PERFECT POPCORN from ROME
P.S. If you are interested I can send you some info about the new Dario Argento film – which he is currently directing in Rome/Italy.
Let me know.
Thanks for the heads up on this one, and absolutely... I’d love to know anything about whatever Dario’s up to. Thanks, man. Look forward to hearing from you again.
"Moriarty" out.
