Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
Between these guys and my monthly reading of WIZARD, I almost feel like I don’t need to bother reading the comics themselves, they’re so well-covered.
... almost.
Hey Jon;
Here’s this week’s column, all good to go. Just add your reviews somewhere in the middle – not the top this time, there are other people in this group too you know. Then all you have to do is put in the HTML, and send it off to Mori. Oh, and I feel silly even telling you this, but don’t forget to erase this note and put in some sort of wacky introduction at the top like we always do.
Oh, and Buzz asked me to remind you that the order is in yards, not feet, okay, and it extends to his entire family, not just him. Let’s not make this any uglier than it has to be.
Thanks,
Corm
BLACK PANTHER #52
Written by Priest
Art by Jorge Lucas
Published by Marvel Comics
A Jon Quixote Review
Call Guinness.
And not just ‘cause I’m thirsty. I think I am bearing witness to an honest to goodness world record. With sales lagging, Black Panther has undergone a makeover. They gave him a trenchcoat. They gave him matching twin pistols and a shotgun. And they made him a rogue cop who “takes the law into his own hands.”
Oh yeah, and writer Priest somehow found a way to make JohnWoo-ing up a character not suck.
Admit it. You rolled your eyes when you heard about this makeover. Black Panther meets HARD BOILED. Twin .45’s in hand, rolling into the fray the trench-coat flapping in the air, the Panther pauses to release three ivory-white doves into the air before cutting down the bad guys in flurries of gunfire. Rename the character after an action movie (is RawDeal taken?) and I’d expect to see Priest grab his neck and pull back a latex mask to reveal Rob Liefeld’s grinning mug cackling “he doesn’t throw his shield, can’t sue! Nyah Nyah.” Well, who’s cackling now, Mr. Hey, where are my royalty checks?? Haw Haw.
Uh, where was I?
Oh yeah, Black Panther. So Priest & Co. have taken a page from the book of awful character choices that wrecked comics in the 90’s and… actually made it work.
Hell, it doesn’t just work. It kicks ass!
The new Panther is Kevin Cole, a good cop caught in a bad situation (dammit, now I can’t get Raw Deal out of my head). He tried to get out of it by putting on a Black Panther suit he found on the street (lucky duck. The most I ever found on the street was a used balloon), and has instead found himself embroiled in a controversy that involves Internal Affairs, crooked cops, and a mysterious bad guy called “The White Wolf.”
Damn, it still sounds like a bad action movie. How the hell did Priest ever pitch this to his bosses? Maybe they wanted a bad action movie. Maybe one day, Bill Jemas was reading Variety and said, “Exit Wounds made *how* much? Get me Priest on the phone!” (I was going to insert a joke about Christopher Priest calling himself “Priest” before remembering that I go around calling myself “Jon Quixote” when Jon is, in fact, not my real first name. But “Donald Quixote” sounds so lame.) Anyways, if the Powers-That-Be were in fact expecting a generic action-movie type comic from the new Black Panther, they must be very disappointed. It’s rare that action movies have characters this fully realized, seamless transitions from intense action sequences to laugh-out loud comedic moments, and dialogue like “even harder than becoming a cop is staying a cop.”
Well, okay, most action movies have dialogue like that last one, but there’s still the characterization, the tonal mosaic, and the near seamless storytelling – although the mystery is pretty obvious. Did anybody out there really think that T’Challa was actually dead? Hello! He’s all over the pages of Avengers like Anna Nicole on a Ding-Dong (all hail Quixote, King of the Double Entendres). But it’s still a great read.
Black Panther is one of the Marvel books on the stands right now that is most deserving of your attention. It certainly deserves better than this review, but I’m out of Ritalin, so whatcha gonna do? But hopefully my endorsement comes through clear as day: buy this book or you will die ugly and alone!
Now, somebody said something about some Guinness?
KISSING CHAOS: NONSTOP BEAUTY #2
Arthur Dela Cruz
Oni Press
Reviewed by Lizzybeth
Sometimes I just have to break it down.
PUBLISHER - Oni Press. I’ve enjoyed quite a few recent comics from Oni, +10 points
CREATOR - Arthur Dela Cruz, promising creator given Eisner award nomination this year for Best Talent Deserving of Wider Recognition, based on the original “teen lovers on the run” Kissing Chaos miniseries. Also works on interesting Oni title Skinwalker. Creator of interest, +10 points.
APPROACH - So you’ve got a successful miniseries, and you’re got guaranteed interest in a sequel. What do you do? Chuck all the preexisting characters and start over, with only tenuous ties to the original story? It’s not what most comics would do, but that’s what this one does. “Nonstop Beauty” maintains much of the style of the original with a new cast, and will probably manage to please most fans of the first series despite this gamble. It also allows new fans, and those lukewarm to the original series (me), a fresh chance to be won over. Good plan. +5 points
ARTWORK - The artwork is the kind of loosely penciled low detail b+w that sometimes spooks your average reader, but covered over with digital grey washes that add a more polished sheen to the production. It’s a well-executed and mostly attractive approach vaguely reminiscent of the art in some books I enjoy, most recently COUSCOUS EXPRESS, only a bit more approachable. If it comes off a little hollow, it’s mostly because the writing applies little fuel to this small spark. +10 points
FORMAT, PART ONE - The first run was a quick read churned out rapidly, a revved-up “large-scale action soap opera” in a digest-sized comic put out every three weeks or so, and expanding with each issue. It had that flying-by-the-seat quality that the artwork and ashcan size only enhanced. But why not expand to a full-sized comic in the sequel, and use that space to flesh out the book the way it clearly intends to be doing? It’s maybe one additional panel a page, but to this story it could make a difference. Sure, the size sets the book apart from the other books on the shelf, but at the same time, KC seemed to get a little lost at my shop because of that smaller size, and to be frank, it’s less comics for my money. But I’m quibbling on this one. - 0 pts.
FORMAT, PART TWO – The story here in “Nonstop Beauty” appears to take place in the course of a single day, and the point of view skips between different characters and time periods that seem to be leading up to the events that take place at midnight. Nonlinear storytelling can be a useful tool in comics (see: Love and Rockets) and it’s sometimes an intriguing way to unfold a mystery, but in this case, it’s merely irritating. The comic doesn’t stay with any one scene long enough to create interest, and the skips don’t provide information that weighs meaningfully on the other events of the story. I see no reason why this story couldn’t have been told in a more sequential order. It’s almost as if the author was worried that the reader would become bored if we weren’t immediately shown the most action-packed events, instead of building towards them without the intercutting. I was bored regardless, so… -20 points.
CHARACTERS - Put the comic down, and I don’t recall a one. They manage to neither offend nor appeal; they’re merely there, vapidly recycling teen angst clichés and worn-out punk posturing. Their alternateen stylings are meant to automatically endear them to me without having to expand on their personalities, but this works about as well for me as it does in the Goth comics, meaning not at all. I can’t tell the difference between the male characters, and the girls are only easier because of the different hair lengths. The only name I can apply to a face is Ashley, and that’s because she’s separated out from the other characters long enough to work at an actual job (for 1 page) and have a few private thoughts, rather than the sitcom dialogue the other bunched-together characters are stuck with. The biggest problem: You have to read issues 1 and 2 several times apiece just to get straight which person is which and what’s going on. If a comic is going to make me work to figure that out, it had better have a better reward in store than the lazy hint of plots and personalities that we’re getting so far. -10 points.
STORY - This is where I really start to grit my teeth. Our agreeably rebellious teenage protagonists seem to have plotted something vaguely anarchic centered around a nightclub, plans which we are not yet privy to, based on events that we haven’t been shown yet because the time-jumping structure of the story is keeping us away from any information of relevance. I suppose Arthur Dela Cruz doesn’t want to tip his hand just yet as to how the chaotic whatnot at midnight develops, and what the mysterious Angela-of-the-emails has to do with it, but by withholding all this information (and refusing to give me any characters worth liking) he’s given me no reason to care. -50 points.
DIALOGUE - These are the first six captions of the comic, where Ashley describes the action at the midnight nightclub bash: “This can’t be good. What have we done? What’s the point of all this? All this anger.. This violence? Is this for real? Is this my generation?” Is this the Wonder Years? If these don’t make you grimace, particularly in context, I don’t know what else to tell you. For me, it’s -100 pts.
Not much point in adding it up after all, now is there? I should probably note that I picked up this comic in the first place because it’s been well-received by both critics and a decent range of comics readers. I guess I just don’t get it. Maybe I’m getting grouchy in my old post-teen age and the attitude is getting in the way of my enjoyment of a perfectly good book. Either way, I can’t really recommend this comic. Despite some good ingredients, and not for lack of trying, Kissing Chaos just doesn’t convince me to buy into its confused, forced intrigue.
CAPTAIN AMERICA #6
Written by John Ney Rieber
Drawn by John Cassaday
Published by Marvel Comics
Reviewed by The Comedian
“I believe in America.” That’s how Bono Sera the undertaker begins our beloved national middlebrow cinema classic The Godfather. Then he tells of how in spite of that he and his daughter have become casualties of it. That’s similar to how I’m prefacing this review.
I believe in CAPTAIN AMERICA.
The rest of my @$$hole brethren and sistern have dismissed the current title as an irrelevant, exploitive, timely piece of goobly-gook. They were turned off after the first two issues, likening it to those Hostess fruit pie adds from when we were kids. They all think I’m a fool for still reading it. Last week at The @$$hole Holiday Party they all danced around like rhythm deprived autistic dingbats while Vroom Socko played some zingy jazz song on a knee-high piano. “Comedian, you blockhead! Captain America is an ideal. It’s insulting to put him in real world situations. He should be fighting Crossbones and schtupping Diamondback,” Superninja said as she flopped along like a kooky beatnik seizure victim on top of Vroom’s piano. Good Grief.
Well in spite of their disdain I am still reading Rieber’s Cap. Even before 9-11 I thought Captain America could best be served as a character dealing in a shades of gray world that stood in direct conflict with his ideals and principles. It’s that conflict and contrast that make him shine all the brighter. Unfortunately because of 9-11 and Marvel’s subsequent decision to cannibalize it as bottomless pit of publicity long after all the other vultures have flown off for fresher carcasses, Cap has been bogged down in one of the most meandering shiftless plotlines I’ve probably read since, I don’t know, every other meandering shiftless plotline in the Marvel books right now. What’s worse is that by stretching this story out so long Rieber has put all the flaws of this concept and his half-baked execution under the microscope of fan scrutiny. I have the suspicion that if 9-11 never happened and Reiber had begun the book with the 3 issue “extremists” arc he’s doing after this there wouldn’t be such negative hubbub from my compatriots. Fortunately the “Fortress of Alamut” storyline has finally come to a close with Captain America #6. Which finds Cap fighting the leader of the Alamut group….Gary Oldman!?!?
In this sloppy, forced, wrap-up issue, Cap goes mono a mono with a new villain, The Monster, amongst the ruins of a demolished office building in Dresden. Cap was sent there on a tip he got from Nick Fury (THREE FUCKING ISSUES AGO). It’s apparently the place where those nifty hari-kari inducing Cat-tags are made. Cap has survived the entire building collapsing on top of him and a tank-destroying grenade being thrown at him right after. “This shield isn’t for show. Who are you?” Cap asks the mysterious cloaked stranger. It’s Gary Oldman! Well actually it’s Gary Oldman in one of his dime-a-dozen, make-up-heavy, over-the-top villain roles. “The Monster” is the leader of The Fortress of Alamut. They’re the so-called terrorists that Cap’s been hunting for six issues. They’re a lot closer to a real world version of Hydra or A.I.M. than big bad Al-Qaeda. The rest of the issue is he and Cap throwing down in a knock-down, drag-out that absurdly enough doubles as a political debate between the two of them. We find out that the Monster comes from a background similar to Magneto. Here the Cold War takes the place of the Holocaust in molding him into the fucked up individual he is today. His father was gunned down by American-backed guerillas while working innocently in the fields. His mother was interrogated and shot. His home was burned and so was his face. The Monster taunts Cap that he will call his army off if he can simply tell him what country he’s from. This is to mean that there are countless countries that’ve had to suffer under horrible regimes backed by us because of “American interests.” He’s trying to make Cap the answer man for all this. Of course Cap kicks his ass and gives him the standard, “You’re no better than the warlords who created you” speech we’ve seen in countless Magneto encounters before. Then he makes an inspiring speech in the thought boxes about peace and works his way out of the ruins with the unconscious Monster over his shoulder like some trophy.
I actually like the ideas that were presented in this issue. I loved the fight and Cap’s response to his new nemesis. Obviously the whole point of this arc has been the proverbial “why do they hate us?” question we’ve heard again and again on CNN and “Politically Incorrect” (come back, Bill Maher, you annoying little creep - we miss you) for the past 15 months. Cap’s being made to suffer for the sins of the military industrial complex (who are incidentally also giving him grief). What has spoiled an overall decent enough thought-provoking story arc is the fact that it’s taken Rieber 6 fucking issues to tell it. All the cliché-ridden thought boxes and the weak-as-all-fuck plot device of the Cat-tags brought along at a snail’s pace ruined this book and quite possibly caused Cassaday to call it quits after this issue. One would suspect the higher ups forced these guys to stretch this story out not merely because it would make a better trade paperback but also to stew in the so-called “controversy.” I hope Rieber digs a little deeper in the future. Mostly I hope he digs for someone else to write the dialogue while he continues with the plots. That would help a lot to focus this book. There are so many other issues for Cap to deal with regarding America’s role in today’s world besides terrorism. My @$$hole friends think it would better served to do this with metaphors. I think we’re grown up enough to see these stories done straight on. They just need to be done right.
THE GOON #3 - A CHRISTMAS STORY
By: Eric Powell
Published by: Albatross Exploding Funny Books
TheGoon.com
Reviewed by: Superninja
Ah, the holidays. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose…and then giving you frostbite and sending you to the hospital for the rest of your Christmas vacation. But, hey, even without your nose, you can still open all those great presents! Ah, quit crying, you're bringing the rest of us down. It's just a nose…Here, I'll tell you a little story.
It's Christmas Eve in a small town. Snowflakes dance through the air landing in a white blanket that covers the ground. In one house, stockings are hung by the chimney with care, and two lovely children wait up in front of a warm fire for Santy Claus, ticking off the presents he's going to bring them (sounds right cozy, doesn't it?).
But what's that? A scratching at the window? Could it be? Is it HIM? Santy Clau….ARRRGH!!!
Nope, not that Jolly Old Elf. Now, don't start your crying again. Did I mention it's a Goon Christmas Story? You could've at least looked at the cover (it's not Scratch 'n' Sniff, if that makes you feel any better). It's like that Norman Rockwell painting with Santy Claus taking a nap, but it's the Goon! And evil little monsters destroy all of his toys and threaten him with weapons. Isn't that great?!
What's that you say? Where is Santy Claus? No, Virginia, there is no Santy Claus. At least not the one you had in mind. Because in this town, there are Zombies, and Werewolves and all kinds of icky monsters that like to eat people and wreak havoc. But at least you have the Goon to save the day! That's right, he'll save those two greedy children that only think about their presents and not the plight of the Amazon Rainforest (those selfish buggers). He'll save them from the evil little monsters that want to devour them whole, with pointy sharp teeth. He's the Goon! He fights Zombies every day.
But let's get back to the story. The Goon and his pal are heading for a Christmas party. That's right. And all of their friends are there. The Goon loves Christmas. Do you know why? Because those gooey Zombies he fights every day are all frozen stiff on the streets. And his car sure does make a great plow.
The Goon is a real humanitarian. He protects the townsfolk from all kinds of horrors, and just when he's about to get some mistletoe action from the hottest chick in town, the mother of those Rainforest-hatin' cherubs bursts through the door. "My babies! Help me!" she cries. And what does the Goon do? He races off to save her children, with a werewolf and his partner in tow, of course.
Well, it's time for your bandages to be changed, so we'll stop for now. I can't let you peek at the ending, but I'll tell you that Saint Nick does show up, and those nasty critters get what's due. Oh yes, and the children are safe. What's that you say? You can't wait?
Hey, no need to get violent. Maybe you should just buy the issue yourself, you cheap schlep. This one's coming with me.
THE INVINCIBLE IRON MAN #62
Mike Grell – Story
Michael Ryan – Pencils; Sean Parsons – Inks; Rasir Rozecar – Colors
Published by Marvel Comics
Reviewed by Village Idiot (special thanks to Ambush Bug)
The year was 1983. Pac-Man Fever, after having gripped the youth of America for the better part of two years, was now finally subsiding. DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS had hit the mainstream. VIC-20s were battling it out with TRS-80s and ATARI 800’s for supremacy in the home computer market. People were staying away from the movie KRULL in droves. Music fans everywhere were asking “Who Can It Be Now?” along with a plucky little band from down under called Men At Work. And a young Village Idiot was reading his first IRON MAN comic. And he liked it. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter he stopped reading comics to increase his marketability with girls.
So last week, I picked up my first in IRON MAN in almost 20 years (!). And it was...okay.
It was just okay. It wasn’t terribly bad, but it wasn’t particularly good either. Ryan and Parson’s art was quite good, and Rasir Rozecar’s coloring was beautiful, but IRON MAN #62 as a whole was only mildly engaging, and, well, okay.
Of course, I realized that this may have something to do with the fact that I was walking into the IRON MAN 2002 universe without really knowing the context. Sure, the book seemed straightforward enough, but perhaps if I knew more, I’d be able to appreciate it on a deeper level; much the same way I assume this to be the case with the more overtly complex LEGION. So in order to write the fairest review possible, I’ve brought in a Special Consultant: AICN’s Ambush Bug, a longtime Iron Man fan whose edited input will now be represented in this review in italicized text.
The first thing I wondered about in approaching IRON MAN #62 was whether Tony had kicked the sauce.
Yes, Tony had conquered his drinking problem a long time ago.
I see. That’s good to know.
IRON MAN #62 begins as Tony Stark goes out Christmas shopping with his Asian girlfriend; a girl who is either supposed to be lovably sassy, or has an attitude problem.
She's a bitch. In this issue especially, Grell seems to want Rumiko to represent everything that Tony doesn't need in a woman. Grell has been setting up a romance between Tony and his girl Friday, Pepper Potts, for a while now, but it hasn't happened yet.
In the midst of this Christmas shopping trip, Stark and his irritated girlfriend end up helping a runaway teen. It was about this time that I began to realize how different this Tony Stark was from the one I remembered. My recollection of Tony Stark was that he was a mustachioed playboy, a real grown up. Now he's just one of those goatee guys with the floppy hair who could be serving me coffee at Starbucks.
The Tony in the current series is the same old Tony everyone knows and loves. He is eternally in his mid-thirties, a playboy millionaire who actually bangs chicks unlike other playboy millionaires that will remain nameless, and has an artificial heart that needs to be recharged every now and again. According to this months Cosmo: pencil thin mustaches are out, goatees and floppy hair are in.
(Just as I always suspected, Bug reads Cosmo.)
Back to the story: somewhere in the North Atlantic, some kind of nefarious weapons deal is going down, and a U.S. Navy ship that comes to investigate it is attacked and sunk. Some time later, a Navy underwater team goes out to explore the wreckage, and they soon find themselves in trapped deep beneath the shifting hull of the sunken ship. This looks like a job for Iron Man! Stark is called from his company’s Christmas party to help, but not before we’re given a little character interaction. Stark quickly flies out to the accident scene, and by the end of the book, he runs into some trouble of his own.
As I initially read IRON MAN #62, I got a distinct Judd Winnick vibe; that is, I’m reading about another super-hero being casually vulnerable around his girlfriend. Very sensitive male stuff. So not only does Stark look like the guy who works at Starbucks, he probably acts like him too. Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten older, but Iron Man 2002 doesn’t quite have the same kick that I remembered from Iron Man 1983. Where is Jim Rhodes when you need him? (I know, he’s War Machine, but you get my point here.) Add the fact that the action in the book was fairly low-key, and you’ve got a comic book that didn’t really light this new reader’s fire. Bug’s supplemental information, including material not reprinted here, was a great help in putting IRON MAN #62 into its proper context, but my overall impressions did not change.
So how did this whole issue play with someone who actually has more invested in the story, like Bug?
The whole Tony/Pepper/Rumiko triangle is extremely uninteresting. Tony's philanthropy is nice and wholesome for a X-Mas issue, but it really doesn't make the character interesting for me. The obligatory Iron Man suit up was equally uninteresting. Despite all of the cool villains Iron Man has in his stable, Grell chooses to ignore them. There hasn't been a good iron clad battle in over a year. I am collecting this title out of a feeling of obligation because I have almost every single Iron Man issue (including the old Silver Age stuff) ever published and for that reason alone. I am eagerly awaiting the day when Grell decides to leave this title.
Whoa. Way to sit on the fence, Bug.
In the final analysis, I stand by my initial judgment of “okay.” Again, the art was terrific, but mere art does not a comic make. The story in IRON MAN #62 was good enough to where I’ll probably come back for the next issue to see the conclusion of this storyline, but this is not an issue was that I can really recommend.
However, I think it’s important to keep these things in perspective. IRON MAN 2002 may not have been as sublime as IRON MAN 1983, but to its credit, it wasn’t exactly KRULL either.
JSA: JUSTICE BE DONE (TPB)
Written by James Robinson & David S.Goyer
Art by Scott Benefiel, Stephen Sadowski, Derec Aucoin, Mark Propst, Michael Bair, John Kalisz
Published by DC
Reviewed by Buzz Maverik
Dear Merry Marvel Madmen,
Today, I read the tpb JSA: JUSTICE BE DONE, which reprints the first issues of the Justice Society of America comic book, and I thought of you. What brought you to mind is that this is a book drenched in continuity, which is something that I get the feeling you'd like to do away with.
Reading these finely drawn comics, I encountered DC continuity involving the old Justice Society, a group called Infinity Inc., the JLA, Starman, the Star Spangled Kid, the Legion of Superheroes and many, many more, as the say in those commercials for Slim Whitman music. Personally, at this stage of my comic book fanitude, I'm not all that interested in continuity. Which is where you guys have it backasswards. You seem to be worried about the new fan not knowing all the continuity and that being a turn-off to your books. Maybe you don't remember being new fans, or being fans at all (maybe some of you never were fans), but I remember being a kid and finding continuity a challenge. It was something I actually wanted to learn. You couldn't teach me the three branches of the US government to save your lives, but I was dying to learn who the Unholy Three were and why they attacked the Avengers in an old comic that I didn't have and didn't have a hope of getting (thanks for reprinting that in AVENGERS: CELESTIAL MADONNA, btw). I'd see a new character, hear a reference to a story and I had to know why Captain America had gone around in a stupid costume calling himself the Nomad a few years before I started reading comics. It wasn't knowing continuity that made me a fan, it was learning continuity.
I've also heard the argument that decades of continuity bog down a creator. This is no reason to eliminate continuity. James Robinson and David S. Goyer were certainly up on the DC universe when they wrote these JSA stories. I would guess that they were aided by original-series editor Peter Tomasi. There have to be some qualifications for making comic books. You're telling me that your latest obscure writer from other media can't catch up on comic book history. Goyer, an obscure writer of something from other media, i.e. the screenplay for BLADE, seems to be up to the minute on DC minutia. And DC has a far longer history that the current Marvel Universe. Bottom line: if you don't know some degree of continuity, you have no business making comics. A creator doesn't have to be a complete geek, they just have to do their homework. Otherwise, they shouldn't be trying to write or draw for something they don't read.
It's funny that a DC book should make me think more of you guys than DC. I still dig your books and your characters, but I'm out of Zoloft and cigarettes and I have a forum here. And like I said, I can take continuity or leave it these days but I think a new fan would dig getting the background. I'm by no means a continuity freak. I mean, did you read AQUA-MAN # 1? That's a book slathered in continuity and it made me go: "Whut?" (If you haven't read it, Aqua-Man is unable to live in sea water and now must, apparently, live in crap).
Anyway, just some random thoughts to make you less irritating. If you have a problem with the opinions stated here, feel free to send me comp issues of your entire line-up each month. Each one of my fellow @$$holes (except our indie-queen Lizzybeth) should also get your entire output comped. That would rock. And DC could do the same and so could Image and CrossGen and Dark Horse.
In closing, I didn't get to know you very well but stay cool and have a great summer.
Many happy returns,
Buzz Pontius Maverik.
Title: AQUAMAN #1
Writer: Rick Veitch
Pencils: Yvel Guichet; Inks: Mark Propst
Publisher: DC Comics
Reviewer: Ambush Bug
“Look out folks! Aquaman is back and he’s gonna smack you with his drippy, wet hand!”
That’s what the cover to AQUAMAN #1 by Alex Maleev seemed to say to me from the new comics rack as I perused this week’s choices. Hot on the heels of the well crafted JLA arc, “The Obsidian Age,” Aquaman is indeed back from the past and ready for action in a brand spankin’ new series. Being a fan of the underwater soap opera that was Peter David’s run on Aquaman’s previous title, I have been eagerly anticipating this character’s relaunch for quite a while now. Some may say that Aquaman is a one-note character who forces the writers to put some type of water-related catastrophe into storylines just to give the slippery guy something to do. Some retro-guys are still cheesed off that Arthur isn’t prancing around in an orange shirt and straddling a giant sea horse. I, for one, liked David’s revamp of the character. He made Aquaman the savage, yet noble sea king whose range of responsibility covered three-fourths of the earth. Sure David’s Arthur was a bit of a brooder, but at least he gave the guy more to work with than the fact that he can strike up a conversation with a mackerel. Hearing that Rick Veitch was going to be taking on the writing chores for this new title was a step in the right direction. Veitch’s work on SWAMP THING gave me confidence that he knew how to make interesting and thought-provoking stories, but as I read the first issue of this series, my confidence started to wane.
I may be speaking too soon. Issue number one was your typical premise issue. It starts out with a hero in peril and a mystery. Atlantis doesn’t want a king anymore. Trapped in the distant past, Aquaman chose to return Atlantis to the briny depths at the end of the JLA Obsidian Age arc. The Atlanteans had a chance to re-live and change their own history. If not for Arthur’s choice to save his teammates in the JLA, Atlantis may have been ruling the entire world instead of just the land beneath the waves. The people Aquaman once ruled over were corrupted by the arcane magiks of the past and, after Arthur once again chose to help out the surface world instead of his own kingdom, they finally got fed up and strung up the traitor Jesus-style on a rock, and left him to dehydrate in the sun and die. Aquaman has been banished from the waters he once called home and his ties to Atlantis and everything else beneath the surface of the ocean have been severed. No longer can people make fun of Aquaman because of his power to communicate with fish - he can’t do that anymore.
The premise, while not spectacular, does offer a unique challenge for the writer. How can a guy whose adventures have always been in the ocean be interesting when the ocean is taken out of the picture? I am fully confident that Veitch is up to the task when it comes to creating gripping stories around this concept, but this issue doesn’t show me any indication of this. Other than the aforementioned acquisition of a watery appendage which replaces the golden hook that Aquaman brandished throughout his last series, fairly little happens. References to King Arthur and the Lady in the Lake are scattered throughout the issue in some decently trippy scenes, but the entire issue lacked the oomph that is needed to get one excited about a new series. Being a fan of the character, I’ll probably stick around for a few issues, but this issue is not going to blow the socks off of Joe Comic Geek who would rather salivate over the latest issue of THE ULTIMATES.
But I have to keep coming back to the fact that this is Veitch in the driver’s seat. This could get interesting, folks. Aquaman is literally a fish out of water. He’s got to learn to survive on land full time now. Given the fact that Veitch is a former Vertigo writer, this could mean that some truly warped tales are on the horizon. I’d love to see Aquaman, dazed from lack of water, being compelled to rescue a tank full of lobsters from a super market only to be clipped in the biscuits by the snappy little bastard because he can’t communicate with them anymore. I say blow the barn doors off of all the super-heroing stuff and tell some stories with that Vertigo-ian edge. Aquaman was never a hero in the first place. He was a King who felt obliged to protect those who lived on the surface out of obligation to his father’s race (he’s the son of a human and an Atlantean woman for those of you who didn’t know). I say tip Arthur off into the land of the weird and see what happens. Who knows? It might work.
So far, though, it seems as if Veitch is going the conventional route, setting the stage with one-dimensional, lip-curling villains, the obligatory JLA appearance, and cheesy dialogue like “Put a hook in it.” and “I want the prisoner weak as a jellyfish.” Other than the trippy Lady in the Lake sequence and the weird hand, the issue was your standard super hero fare.
One of the major problems in this issue is the art. I am not saying that Yvel Guichet is a bad artist. He seems to be a talented up-and-coming penciler who has a good eye for camera angles and interesting details, but his art may not be fitting for this type of book. It is too super hero-y. Too crisp. Arthur’s new quest shouldn’t be so clean. Veitch’s story has a chance to get weird, but the straightforward art only holds the story back by making it look like a conventional comic book story we’ve all read before. Guichet also suffers from a problem that many new artists seem to share. The issue starts out strong with high detail and exciting angles, but soon fades into sloppy panels filled with uninteresting poses. By the time this issue ends, the panels are by the book shots that lack to power that Veitch is trying to convey in the climax. If the cover artist, Alex Maleev, had done the interiors, my thoughts about this book may have been more interesting to me. His gritty art would give this title the edge that it needs.
Hey, I’m an optimist. I’m sticking with the title even if you all decide to pass it by. Veitch may surprise me and pull some cool stuff from his bag of tricks. The first issue was a dud, but I think the first issues of HAWKMAN, GREEN ARROW, and JLA were equally unimpressive and they are three of my favorite reads now. If you missed this issue, you didn’t miss much. Aquaman’s hand is made of water, he can’t talk to the fishes any more, and he’s trapped on land. The premise is set, now it’s up to Veitch to prove to me that it is interesting.
WAR STORY: J FOR JENNY
Written by Garth Ennis
Art by David Lloyd
Published by Vertigo/DC
Reviewed by Buzz Maverik
Ask me if I've read any good comic books lately?
I'll immediately start talking up WAR STORY: J FOR JENNY by Garth Ennis and artist David Lloyd. Evidently, Ennis has done these WAR STORY comics before, but the only one I've read was last month's excellent THE REAVERS. As far as I can tell, these WAR STORY comics are all about U.K. troops in WW II -- The Big Un, thus reminding us Yanks that the Limeys pulled their own bollocks out of the broiler, thank you very much.
J FOR JENNY is about an RAF long range bomber crew, with members who are as much at war with each other as they are with the Krauts. Flight Lieutenant Ronald Page has suffered terrible losses when the Nazis blitzed his Belfast home. He's now on his second tour of duty as a pilot and is known for his virulent hatred of the Germans. He doesn't care who he kills in the bombing. Sergeant Stark is far more of a dove and feels horrible guilt over the toll J for Jenny's bombs take on German civilians. These two men are headed for a confrontation.
The tension is heightened and we are taken into thin air with David Lloyd's stark, often brutal and often beautifully murky artwork, heavy on the sepia tones. Lloyd takes us into the cold and flames with the flak blazing around us. His airmen are portraits of misery and desperation.
Ennis doesn't give us easy answers about war because he's not stupid. Neither the hawk nor the dove are good guys or bad guys. They each have a point of view that contains truth. This isn't razzle dazzle, blood and thunder, Reagan (or Thatcher, I guess) era military recruitment, but it's not some hippie telling you war is bad because it's a bummer either. All of the characters are men doing what has to be done ... because World War II might be the last war that absolutely HAD to be fought. My only complaint is that a character muses that he hopes there's a great evil going on in Germany to justify the bombing. That line was a little too on the mark, because now we all know that a great evil was going inside Germany.
If you haven't read any of these WAR STORIES, don't expect SGT. ROCK or SGT. FURY (when I was in grade school, I had a friend who was crazy about war comics but didn't know that SGT was short for Sergeant and would talk about how he just picked up the latest issue of S-G-T ROCK). Blood and guts and something to think about here.
FABLES – LEGENDS IN EXILE TPB
Written by Bill Willingham
Penciled by Lan Medina; Inked by Steve Leialoha & Craig Hamilton
Published by Vertigo/DC Comics
A Quixote Tale
Once upon a time…
There was a handsome Prince who lived in the Northerlands where it was always snowy and cold, but at least it wasn’t Calgary which had been cursed with 100 years of bad hockey by an evil witch. Or maybe inbreeding.
The handsome Prince, who named himself after a famous knight in order to prove how very smart he was, loved his frozen kingdom (which, yes, was technically a principality, he admitted in an effort to ward off those who would question said smarts), but the long nights and harsh temperatures meant that many nights were spent curled up with a good book. This was fine with the Prince, for he loved stories, and he loved comic stories most of all. In fact, he fancied himself their champion, much in the way that Lancelot championed Guinevere in Arthurian-times, although the Prince never had sex with the comics, or, if he did, isn’t about to admit it to the likes of you.
The Prince summoned tellers of comic tales for audiences, and the tellers would spin their craftiest, most-enchanting tales. Those whose tales were met with approval by the Prince would be showered with a jeweled-praise the likes of which the world had rarely seen. The creators would rejoice and weep with happiness when the Prince tendered them his praises, because they knew he was honest and true, and one kind word from him was more enchanting than the spells and magic of thousands of the sycophantic Wizards" who lurked in the countryside.
But those whose tales met with the Prince s disapproval were vivisected.
This tradition endured for, what, 8 months now, but as time wore on, the Prince s heart grew heavy with sorrow. For it felt to him that there were fewer and fewer comics worth praising, but royal vivisections were at an all time high. One day, he sat on his throne and stroked his doublech…his chiseled jaw, and thought, “If all that is left to do is carve up the bad, he thought, then why bother at all? There is so much to rail against, but is there anything left worth fighting for?
Thus, the Prince made a decision. He would gather the best storytellers in the land, and they would prove that, yes, there were artists out there capable of crafting tales worth fighting for. If not, the Prince would lay down his crown and abdicate.
First to gain audience was a quiet, bald man. “I present to you,” the hairless one said, “Daredevil.”
“I like this one,” said the Prince, “there is plenty of action and romance and possibility, and it also asks interesting ethical questions about the nature of law and justice. You may continue.”
The bald man smiled, “I am starting a 5 issue run, and all the hero does is go shopping for underwear. Plus the pages are inked completely black.”
The Prince motioned to his guards, who grabbed the bald man and began dragging him to the gallows. His cries of, “Wait, wait! You have to hear my dialogue…my dialogue!” echoed through the palace corridors for days.
The next storyteller appeared. “I write The Hulk,” he said, “and I’m trying to bring back the gravity to Bruce Banner’s situation. Rarely does the transformation take place, and when it does, it truly is a monumental event.”
“I am pleased,” said the Prince. “Your idea is excellent, and you may continue.”
“Okay, so for about a year or so, I push forward, completely obscuring the plot with conspiracies, red herrings and strange characters. Then, we make the reader buy an entire issue explaining just what the hell has been going on.”
They say the writer’s last words, before the vivisectionist began, was, “I even mentioned Coleridge. I could have sworn I heard he liked Coleridge.”
The next writer was a Scot, who wore a sex offender’s mustache. “How about The Ultimates?” he asked. “What I do is I take these old characters that nobody knows or cares about except the people who buy comic books, and then totally tear them down. I treat them like real people – you know, have them talk constantly about who should play them in movies, be laughably drunk, try to kill their wife with ants…real people.”
He managed to add “And I’m sure to drop lots of celebrity names, ‘cause nothing says good writing like name-dropping” before being axed on the spot.
He was followed by a woman with a conqueror’s name. “And what do you write?” the Prince asked her.
“No,” she said, “I’m an editor. But in my company, it amounts to the same thing. I present to you Superman.” She handed the Prince an issue.
The Prince perused it. “But, I have no idea what is going on!” he exclaimed.
“Well, of course not,” said the editor. “You have to buy the other 4 monthlies, plus about 9 other titles if you want the whole story. How else are we going to force the fans of our only two popular characters to buy all our other comics?”
The Prince could barely wave approval to the Executioners; he was so wracked with disappointment. He slumped in his throne and began to sob.
“Sire,” a hunchbacked man-servant leaned in and whispered in the Prince’s ear.
“Whoa, Corm. Ever heard of Scope?” the Prince asked.
“But sire, I found this book buried deep amongst X-Titles at the comic merchant’s. Perhaps it will be to your liking.” The misshapen troll handed the Prince a copy of Fables – Legends in Exile.
The Prince leafed through it, and discovered…
-An honest to goodness original premise (it’s *nothing* like Shrek)
-Well developed characters with actual personality-specific dialogue
-A story that not only made sense, but actually progressed in a timely, readable manner
-A well-researched setting that suggested, perhaps, the writer had taken the time to study his craft, as opposed to simply working at it
-And, throughout the entire story arc – and this on this point the Prince checked carefully – not a single mention of Freddie Prinze Jr. Or any other celebrity, for that matter.
The Prince leapt from his throne and cried, “Hurrah Hurrah!” He ran to his balcony and began singing the praises of this wonderful comic book, even taking the time to mention the beautiful art and the many mini-skirted female characters, one of whom must be played by Catherine Zeta-Jones in the event of a Fables movie, because, well RRRRRROW!!!
After bestowing upon Fables the highest praise he could give, the Prince then issued a new royal decree, declaring that every single person in his Kingdom, every man, woman or beast that could hear his voice and shared his love, must absolutely read Fables or be forever branded a frickin’ idiot, for here was a comic book truly worthy of a King.
And so it was done. The Prince tucked his treasured copy of Fables – Legends In Exile under his arm, and they lived happily ever after.
Not like that, you pervs.
TALES FROM THE CREVICE: BOOKS THAT FELL THROUGH THE CRACK
By Vroom Socko
Well, this week saw the release of yet another reworked 80’s concept. This time it’s Robotech. Does the comic do justice to its origins? Don’t ask me, I didn’t read it. I’m more of a Star Blazers kinda guy anyway. Why am I bringing this up, then? Well, this whole veneration of any concept of the Reagan era is just a little much for me. For every good, like Marvel’s TPB’s of GI Joe, there are at least two bad. Hell, I even hear Marvel is planning something for the 20th anniversary of the New Universe. Okay, that’s just a rumor. All right, fine, I’m the one starting that rumor. My point is this: when is someone going to get around to doing Adolescent Radioactive Black Belt Hamsters?
What? While the rest of you were off reading X-Men, I was pouring through the Ninja Turtles, Samurai Penguin, and those crazy Hamsters. Encompassing nine issues, plus four in 3D and a two part miniseries featuring Clint, these were some of the wildest, funniest comics this side of Evan Dorkin. Hell, the Clint mini managed to make fun of Jay Leno, Apocalypse Now, Frank Miller, and the Kingpin all in one panel! Throw in a homicidal hamster that’s the bastard lovechild of Mr. T and Mrs. Voorhees, and you’ve got the sort of comic that most psychologists would consider a cry for help.
The rest of the team is just as loopy as Clint. There’s Chuck, the Kwai Chang Caine wannabe, Jackie, the immature G. I. Joe fiend, and Bruce, who’s only there because there were four Turtles. The four of them were launched into space as infants in order to prevent the destruction of Earth by radioactive cosmic Jello. The Jello ended up mutating them into a human-like state, and after crashing in Tibet they were taken in by a Shaolin temple. After years of study under the monk Master Lock, they were sent out into the world to do good. Or, in Clint’s case, to do drugs.
I have a sneaking suspicion that the book’s creators, writer Don Chin and artist Parsonavich, were also doing some sort of chemicals. How else to explain the presence of villains like the Coo Clucks Clan, a group of racists devoted to extra crispy chicken. Or the two plant-like superheroes that try to help the Hamsters out of a jam, only to be told thanks, but this is our comic. Then there are the moments when the two creators make their presence known in the book, such as when Bruce calls Parsonavich up to ask him to draw a smaller number of enemies to fight. It’s sorta like what Byrne did on She-Hulk; only it’s actually funny.
This is a book that you need to seek out. It has humor, action, wild non-sequiturs, and in the latter issues some terrific early Sam Kieth art. I mean EARLY Sam Kieth, before his work became so wonderfully insane. I’d love to see Adolescent Radioactive Black Belt Hamsters relaunched today, with someone like @$$hole patron saint Gail Simone on the writing end. That’s an 80’s revamp I’d buy in a second.
Question For Discussion
What 80’s comic do you want to see remade/relaunched? Conversely, what 80’s revamp/relaunch do you not want even contemplated?
