Terrorism Hotline Reponses
- “In the past few weeks through our national hotline, we've collectedundreds of names of suspected terrorists and I'm proud to sayhat most of the calls have come from high school and college students nationwide.”
- “Is there a way to identify Hous Bin Pharteen?”
- “According to our intelligence, he is targeting gas refineries and fertilizer plants and oddly enough, baked bean canneries. He is a silent but deadly killer.”
- B
Monologue: Robert De Niro
- “Some people say, ‘Oh, live TV, aren't you scared?’ I'll be honest with you. No. Some people say that drama's easy and comedy's hard. Not true. I've been making comedies the last couple of years and it's been nice. When you make a drama, you spend all day beating a guy to death with a hammer or what have you - or you have to bite a chunk out of somebody's face. On the other hand, with a comedy, you yell at Billy Crystal for an hour and you go home.”
- C+
Big n’ Tasty
- “Scientific studies suggest that excessive consumption of food may cause weight gain. In other words, if you stuff your greasy pie hole nonstop, you're probably going to pork up.”
- “According to United States law, the big n' tasty cannot perform the duties of legal guardian. If you were to go into McDonald's and say, ‘Hey, Big n' Tasty, take care of my kids while I run some errands,’ you may face legal action.”
- “Marriage ceremonies officiated by the big n' tasty are not recognized in any of the contiguous 48 states.”
- “For small children and morons, McDonald's is the red and yellow restaurant by the highway. Remember to bring money.”
- B-
Jungle-Fever Jefferson
- “Don't you read the papers? Everybody knows it. Thomas Jefferson only dates black chicks.”
- “He's probably telling her about her inalienable rights. of life, liberty and the pursuit of brown sugar.”
- “What time do you get off work?”
- “Never.”
- B-
Wesley Jameson, Career Peter Pan
- “Sorry I'm late. Some Chinese guy gave me a lift. I caught him eyeing my watch. I had to rearrange his face for him.”
- “I know better than to squeeze into some weird pair of tights that every queer from here to Flint probably left his juices in. I'll wear my own if you don't mind, thank you.”
- “What do I look like, an idiot? I've done this scene on everything from old fashioned blow to horse tranquilizers.”
- B+
Santa’s Girl
- “Chicken dance elmo? That's great. You know what's an even better gift? Emotional maturity. If you think stomping on another person's dreams is gonna fix your problems, zach, you're always going to be stuck in the same place, down on route 3, dancing for truckers.”
- “Hey, hey, cage dancing. All right? And someone has to pay our rent 11 months out of the year.”
- “Run, Zach, honey. Run, hurry!”
- B-
U.N. Weapons Inspectors
- “All right, everyone, stay frosty, no heroics.”
- “You got weapons?”
- “No.”
- C
Judge Horace
- “All right now, I got to do this judge thing, right? You two meet me back in my chambers. Git. Sweet like bear meat. You all you sit down before I slap the doo doo out of you.”
- “Now, what kind of porno were you doing if your name was Joe Blow?”
- “You get nothing because you knew she wasn't going to lose no weight. She sweats in the shower, man.”
- C
Ladies and Gentlemen, Nora Jones!
- “I waited till I saw the sun.”
- “I don't know why I didn't come.”
- “I left you by the house of fun.”
- B
Update
- “Lindsey cheered up upon learning his severance would be paid in hoagies.”
- “NBC sports announced that it will air the 2003 U.S. national and world curling championships. Merry Christmas, ABC, CBS and Fox!”
- “Look, it's Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston!”
- C
A Very Versace Chanukah
- “Welcome to my special, where we are going to get back to what the holidays are really about. Looking good, smoking and champagne!”
- “Ozzy Osbourne, you crazy bitch, why do you talk like that? Nobody can understand what you are saying.”
- “Christmas on a cracker, it's the other one.”
- C+
Gary’s Hard Sell
- “Come on, we have to go tell Paige the good news. We have some good news, Paige. Alan, why don't you tell Paige the good news.”
- “Are you trying to hurt me, Alan? Can't you see I'm trying to help you? Is this how you repay my kindness by getting the low-end audio package?”
- “Should Paige try the air conditioning or should the three of us talk about A.B.S. with traction control together?”
- D+
Leslie’s Magic Squirrel
- “Okay, so he wished for his parents to getack together. And they did. The father was able to be more understanding with his wife, and she stopped busting his balls. I mean, really, he caught enough crap at work. He didn't have to hear it from her the second that he walked through the door. He just needed a little down time. ‘Here, have a drink, watch some TV, relax.’ Not have to hear about how he's not gonna get that boat up and running and what a waste of money it was.”
- “Everybody was happy except Leslie's mom, who gets her kicks by flirting with dirtbags in bars so she just could watch me get angry and pound on them. Honestly, man, how messed up inside do you have to be that you get off watching guys fight over you?”
- “The little boy wished the squirrel would come back to life and julio's eyes opened up and he began to scream -- ‘My spine, she crushed my spine! She crippled me and left me to die! She's evil! The only joy she gets is from other people's pain!’ And the magical squirrel passed out.”
- A-
Once Again, Nora Jones
- “Come away with me and I will write you a song”
- “Come away with me on a bus”
- “Come away where they can't tempt us with their lies.”
- B
Radioactive Bear
- “Wow, they're really - they're really beating him. That's - that's got to smart.”
- “Look, he's eating the blue tablet. They seem to be working. The male bear stopped destroying the city. Oh, my God. They're going after the hunter. And he's only got one arm. Boy, they're really giving it to that guy. It looks like it's almost over. Yep, there's the money shot. And they're back to destroying the city again.”
- “Well, after the beating and the sex, I guess he was hungry.”
- B
Herc’s rating for tonight’s “Saturday Night Live”?
***
The Hercules T. Strong Rating System:
- ***** better than we deserve
- **** better than most motion pictures
- *** actually worth your valuable time
- ** as horrible as most stuff on TV
- * makes you quietly pray for bulletins
I have a fever – and the only prescription that can cure me is more cowbell!!
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