Hotdog! The First Review of THE TWO TOWERS! Prepare to Lose Your Mind!
Published at: Nov. 26, 2002, 5:57 a.m. CST by staff
Hey folks, Harry here... You've been dying to read the first full-fledged review of THE TWO TOWERS - and folks it doesn't disappoint. If ever there was a review written to whet your appetite and make your final long stretch of waiting seem excruciating... it's this one written by 'The Insider' for HOTDOG. It's a 5 star review - and well...
In case the pics at WarOfTheRing.Net gets overloaded... let me type out a few sequences of pure EVIL that this review unleashes.
To describe Gollum - "It's the most impressive use of CGI characterisation ever seen."
To describe Helm's Deep - "Forty-five minutes of monumental action, staggering in every way, from the stunt work to the sheer scale and audacity of what's been attempted."
To describe the whole film - "THE TWO TOWERS supasses all levels of expectation, and in the process it makes everything that THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING achieved look tame by comparison."
"Get ready to witness the War of the Ring, because nothing you've ever seen before compares to it. It might be worth ensuring that there are no unpleasant sticky substances on the cinema carpet by your feet, because that's where your jaw is going to be ending up when you get to the siege of Helm's Deep..."
"It's an all-out frontal assault on audiences, leaving them reeling with disbelief at what they're witnessing."
"A major advantage throughout the film is that we're already familiar with the leads, so Jackson and Fran Walsh's script (HARRY NOTE: DON'T FORGET PHILLIPA BOYENS!!!) wastes no time with reintroducing them and just rockets forward, firing on all cylinders with no shred of material you could accuse of being superflouous, let alone boring, on screen."
"...but this is the kind of moment when you wonder how long it will take before there's a Best CGI Supporting Acctor Category at the Oscars. To misquote Bela Lugosi's thoughts on Boris Karloff in ED WOOD, "Jar Jar Binks isn't worthy enough to sniff Gollum's shit."
"Tolkien purists will moan in some quarters - vital bits are missing, sections have been left out for inclusion in the third film. Still, none of this really matters when it comes down to the fact that THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS is a certifiable epic."
Sigh... Harry here again - time does not move fast enough my friends. Nowhere near fast enough. This is going to be rough...