Satine Soaks In WHITE OLEANDER!!

”Astrid is the only child of single mother, Ingrid, a brilliant, obsessed poet who wields her luminous beauty to intimidate and manipulate men. Astrid worships her mother and cherishes their private world full of ritual and mystery — but their idyll is shattered when Astrid's mother falls apart over a lover. Deranged by rejection, Ingrid murders the man, is sentenced to life in prison.

“White Oleander is the unforgettable story of Astrid's journey through a series of foster homes and her efforts to find a place for herself in impossible circumstances. Each home is its own universe, with a new set of laws and lessons to be learned. With determination and humor, Astrid confronts the challenges of loneliness and poverty, and strives to learn who a motherless child in an indifferent world can become. Tough, irrepressible, funny, and warm, Astrid is one of the most indelible characters in recent fiction.

White Oleander is an unforgettable story of mothers and daughters, burgeoning sexuality, the redemptive powers of art, and the unstoppable force of the emergent self. Written with exquisite beauty and grace, this is a compelling debut by an author poised to join the ranks of today's most gifted novelists.”

If the synopsis above had been translated onto the screen, the film might have been the "prestige" film it so desperately wants to be (and should be with a cast as talented as Pfeiffer as Astrid's mother, Renee Zellweger and Robin Wright Penn as two of Astrid's foster mothers, and a star making performance from Alison Lohman as Astrid). Unfortunately what is on screen is a lot of great performances bogged down in a glorified Lifetime movie of the week. I saw no reason why this movie has to be a big screen film other than to lure the talent involved. But HBO could've done the same and it would've been a great cable effort. But instead it's a disappointment that I'm glad only cost me my time, and not money and time.

None of the sense of a journey is conveyed, just one foster scenario after another. Never once do you get the notion that Astrid is struggling with anything other than waiting for something to go wrong with her new home. And of course it always does. Every time Astrid would get a new foster family, I kept waiting for that horrible thing to happen that moves her to the next home, which kept me from caring about any of the characters, including Astrid. Astrid is just an observer, she doesn't appear learn anything other than how to morph into whatever the family is...trailer trash, wealthy Hollywood, or Euro trailer trash. Not once do you ever get a sense that she is trying to belong with any of these people, she's just trying to get by.

And the art in this film is just a sidebar. It isn't used in anyway for redemption or escape. It's just there. Astrid is obviously talented, but she never seems to do anything with her gift other than draw for herself. There seemed to be a great opportunity to explore this with her relationship with Paul (Patrick Fugit), another foster kid in the group home Astrid is assigned to after her first foster home doesn't work out. Paul draws comic book art and the two bond over their love of drawing, but it doesn't really go anywhere.

And all of the men are cookie cutter bad guys and all of the actors wasted. Billy Connolly might as well not even been in the movie as almost every shot of him is from behind (and he needs to deal with that 80s mullet he has..but hair in this movie is a whole different story!!) and he only has one audible line. Noah Wyle is in about five minutes of this movie and it's as if he is reading his lines off cue cards. Stiff, stiff, stiff. You don't care if he's cheating on Renee Zellweger or if he leaves, which makes his actions less interesting and more of an obvious contrivance to further the plot along and move Astrid into another horrible foster or group home situation. The only remotely likeable male in the film is Cole Hauser, who gives a mannered performance as a nice guy hick who unfortunately becomes attracted to Astrid when she is fostered in the home he shares with girlfriend Robin Wright Penn. It's a role that I could see Matthew McConaughey playing if it weren't so close to his real self. But I was glad to see Hauser play something other than a smart-mouthed asshole like in his many other films. Might save him from continuous typecasting from now on. A similar fate that co-star Patrick Fugit might see if he doesn't start looking for parts other than the lovesick puppy roles he's had in his two major movie roles, including this one. I really liked him in "Almost Famous" but since then he has not been served well by puberty. It's only made him awkward looking as well as taller with a deeper voice. Other than that,there is little of the wide-eyed likeability he showed in "Famous." Just pining, mopeyness and more bad hair.

Which gets me to another gripe. Was there not a hairstylist on this film or were they only assigned to Michelle Pfeiffer?? Everyone in this movie (except Pfeiffer, natch) has the worst hair ever filmed. Alison Lohman goes through a series of really bad, very obvious wigs that are supposed to show her "transformations" in each foster/group home situation. They just look frizzy and bad. Zellweger looks like she lost the battle of the bottle, and not just the alcohol she consumes in the film. Her bleached white front hair and lemon yellow remaining hair is so bad you really have to see it to believe it. Wright Penn is so tacky blond that her hair is almost green. It's gross, but it actually works for the character. Fugit looks like he hasn't washed or cut his hair since "Almost Famous"... ick. And the biggest hair joke of them all is actually Pfeiffer. Now she looks beautiful in this film, don't get me wrong, but when did Jose Eber start doing prison cell calls??? Her hair is perfectly highlighted and styled every time Astrid visits her in prison. The other inmates look like something straight out of a B-movie prison flick, but not Pfeiffer..she's immaculate. It's really distracting.

The primary source of blame for this mess of a film has to go to the screenwriter Mary Agnes Donoghue. The story just isn't compelling as it's laid out, and the dialogue is straight from a million other mother-daughter hatefest films we've all seen before, which isn't a surprise since Donoghue is also responsible for the Bette Midler 80s weepfest "Beaches". The screenplay problems can be summed up in two words...voiceover narration. Anytime a film has to resort to narration, it's usually a bad sign. But in this case it's just an effort to be dramatic, but it's really useless. You glean nothing from the narration except trite dialogue and cliché sentiment about how even though Astrid's mother damaged her, she still loves her. Whatever.

Secondary blame goes to the director, Peter Kosminsky. He seems to specialize in torturous book to screen adaptations, including the horribly misguided (though well cast) "Wuthering Heights" with Ralph Fiennes and Juliette Binoche. His direction is static and unoriginal. Not good when you already have a dull script. I can only offer one plaudit to his direction...the manner in which he incorporates Astrid's (Lohman) memories and flashbacks of her mother (Pfeiffer) into existing scenes is a nice touch. For example, Astrid and Claire (Zellweger) are driving and suddenly it's Pfeiffer driving the car explaining to Astrid why they have to go to Mexico. Astrid looks away and looks back at the driver and it's Claire.

If this movie garners any of the attention it craves come awards time, it should be for Pfeiffer and Lohman. But I doubt with all the other movies hitting town this holiday season that this will be remembered...unless the Academy just really needs to give Pfeiffer recognition. She is very good in this role, but it shouldn't be the one she is rewarded for.

Catch it at a matinee or wait for cable....where it should've been to begin with. Better yet, go read the book!!

If you use this, call me Satine, since I believe you already have a Daphne.

Cheers!

Okay, we’ll file that one under “not nearly as enthusiastic as Quint’s review,” mm’kay?

"Moriarty" out.