Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
Oh, my god! It’s an all-Buzz edition of the Trade Paperbacks column!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!
Hey comic fans, Cormorant here with another edition of the @$$hole Trade Show. You know, one of the best things about our madcap group of reviewers is the diversity they’re able to bring to the table. With so many distinct personalities on our staff, each column of reviews delivers a wide variety of tastes and writing styles for your reading pleasure. Enjoy!
POWERS: WHO KILLED RETRO GIRL tpb
Written by Brian Michael Bendis
Art by Michael Avon Oeming and Pat Garrahy
Published by Image
Reviewed by Buzz Michael Maverik
Welcome to the @$$hole Institute of Mad Science. I am your captor, Herr Doktor Maverik. You are just in time to witness my latest, sickest experiment. I dispatched my associates the Village Idiot, Ambush Bug and Superninja in nuclear-powered @$$bot armor to kidnap country western singer John Michael Montgomery, BREAKFAST CLUB/DEAD ZONE star Anthony Michael Hall, and comic book writer Brian Michael Bendis. We locked these men, all with the middle name "Michael", in a maze filled with weapons. They were instructed to fight to the death to avoid having really stinking gas unleashed on them. By this experiment, I hope to see which middle-Mike is the survivor. I intend to publish my findings in the New England Journal Of @$$holes and thus earn myself tenure at Mt. Millar Community College.
While the inner-Mike trio fought it out, I passed the time with the recently reissued trade paperback POWERS: WHO KILLED RETRO-GIRL written by Brian Michael Bendis with art by Michael Avon Oeming (ah, if only his name were Avon Michael Oeming, it could have been a four-way fight). Oddly, this is the first work by Mr. Bendis that I've ever had the pleasure to read. The reason this is odd is that BMB seems to write every comic book series that isn't being written by Geoff Johns. In addition, as you all know, Bendis is working on MTV's upcoming SPIDER-MAN cartoon series. We're talking one busy Michael-in-the-middle. No wonder he just laid there snoring when the @$$bot smashed into his house.
POWERS is an exceptional series. A police procedural in the superhero world, it has the look of Dini and Timm's BATMAN cartoons but the station house flavor of a Wambaugh or McBain novel. I've heard about Bendis' gift for dialogue, often likened to David Mamet. It really works well, although I might have the @$$bots draw 'n' quarter any other writers who try to mimic it. I was able to get into it by reading it aloud, which made the three men with the middle initial "Michael" stop fighting and come to the observation window to see what the hell I was doing. A dose of stinking gas got them back to killing each other.
I don't want to give anything away to those of you who haven't read POWERS. Discover this story and these characters for yourselves. You'll be glad you did.
And I see that Brian Michael Bendis, waving a bloody kayak paddle over his head, is the only one left standing. He's proven a scientific point. Always bet on the great writer with the shaved head.
BIGG TIME: A FARCICAL FABLE OF FLEETING FAME
Writing and art by Ty Templeton
Published by Vertigo/DC
Reviewed by Buzz Maverik
Li'l Angel Guy (LAG) : "Hi there. We're the two sides of Buzz Maverik's personality. I'm the Good Side..."
Li'l Devil Guy (LDG) : "That's why yer so damned tiny and yer hung like a potato bug. Maverik always listens to me, the Evil Side."
LAG: "We're here to discuss Ty Templeton's great new graphic novel BIGG TIME about a homeless man whose guardian angel hates him. We’re not here to talk about my genitalia."
LDG: "Lissen to this wuss. Genitalia. Genitalia. We're talking yer Package. Yer Croquet Set. Yer freakin' Happy Meal, for Chissakes. You don't know shit. The only thing you've ever been right about is BIGG TIME being fuckin' great. Really fine black and white cartooning. A wacked out story. Fuckin' funny jokes! You see, this guardian angel named Stavros hates his human, a real loser named Les Bigg..."
LAG: "Lester. He likes to be called Lester. No one would want to be called less big. Lester is the older brother of an A-list former big league slugger turned action star named Lance Bigg. When an accident that Stavros caused as his idea of a sick joke on Lester gives Lester the ability to see his guardian angel, Lester makes Stavros promise to make him famous."
LDG: "Yeah. Les finds out Stavros has been fucking up his life and that he can send Stavros to hell by bitchin' about him. So Stavros agrees and they go through all kinds of fucked up shit."
LAG: "I prefer to say shenanigans ensue."
LDG: "You would."
LAG: "This is a look at America's sick obsession with fame at any cost. And the desire to be near the famous. Lester doesn't care if he becomes famous through movies, music, heroism or sex scandals. As long as he's famous and has a big screen T.V."
LDG: "So what the fuck is wrong with a big screen T.V.? If we had a big screen T.V., Maverik could watch wide screen porn."
LAG: "He could watch The History Channel. And The Discovery Channel."
LDG: "Oh, you discover some things watchin' porn, alright. Anyway, this Ty Templeton is incredibly talented for a Canadian--"
LAG: "Why must you be offensive? You know one of Maverik's best friends is Canadian and Canadians are just as talented as anybody else. More so in Templeton's case. I'm dying to see anything else by Templeton. He's got some work coming in next months SIMPSONS TREE HOUSE OF TERROR book."
LDG: "Big whoop. You don't even like the Simpsons because they're a bad example!"
LAG: "I do not sound like that."
LDG: "You do so. But I'm not going to stand here and argue. I'm going to get Maverik to go steal something and expose himself on a freeway overpass again."
LAG: "Oh no you're not! Get back here!"
DR. STRANGE: WHAT IS IT THAT DISTURBS YOU, STEPHEN?
Written by Marc Andreyko
Plot & art by P. Craig Russell
Published by Marvel
Reviewed by P. Buzz Maverik
I've cheated. I feel so dirty. This is embarrassing to admit, but I was weak. See, I was out of town, feeling a little depressed...and I bought comics at a different shop. Don't tell the gang with all the piercing at Phat Phantasies. I could never show my face there again.
This new shop, Comictique, was flashy, with all the action figures and cardboard Buffy-standups right out there. I already had all the new comics I was interested in, so I went over to their trade shelves. Bingo! They had a five year old prestige style story that must have been created just for me.
Who is your favorite Marvel character? My associate Superninja likes Captain America the best. My other associate Cormorant is a long time Spider-nut. I think Jon Quixote favors Luke Cage. For me, it's a tie between the Hulk and Dr. Strange -- so you can imagine what a Defenders fiend I am.
Do you get out comics then get back into them? I do. I've gone years without picking up a comic and I've also gone through phases where I read almost everything published. I was not into comics both times that DR. STRANGE: WHAT IS IT THAT DISTURBS YOU, STEPHEN? was published.
This story was originally conceived in the early '70s by the superlative artist P. Craig Russell, who in those days was just called "Craig Russell" on his KILLRAVEN credits. I guess he added the "P." when he became really good. He should add another "P" because he is really, really great.
In the mid-seventies, this version of this story was published as a DR. STRANGE annual. In the mid-nineties, Russell and writer Marc Andreyko completely redid it for this prestige one-shot. Now, I bought it and loved it. It's everything Dr. Strange should be. Mystic dimensions. Evil sorcerers. A courageous hero. Bizarre, beautiful images. And it all begins with a weird message Doc receives in a fortune cookie a Chinese restaurant. What is it that disturbs you, Stephen?
Why am I reviewing a five year old book? Because it's Dr. Strange and I want to do my part to get Doc's name out there so that new stories will be published. I don't kid myself that I have more influence than I do, which is none. Logic smogic.
I keep hearing rumors that J. Michael Staczynski will be writing a new DR. STRANGE series. If this is true, then Marvel could not do better by way of an artist than P. Craig Russell.
THE INCREDIBLE HULK: GROUND ZERO tpb
Written by Peter David
Art by Todd McFarlane, Erik Larsen, Bob Wiacek, Jim Sanders, Petra Scotese
Published by Marvel
Reviewed by Buzz Maverik
A gag in the CALVIN & HOBBES comic strip several years ago went something like this: "Calvin, can you name the three branches of government?" Miss Wormwood, Calvin's teacher, asked.
Calvin said, "No but I can tell you the secret origins of all the superheroes in The League Of Justice."
Relate much? I do. The funny thing is, I don't really collect comic books. I'm not just speaking in an investment sense. I haven't followed a monthly series on a regular basis since Claremont finally left THE X-MEN (and don't tell me he's returned because whomever that is using Claremont's name isn't Claremont; he or she just has all of Claremont's faults and none of his gifts). Aside from the X-MEN, I stopped buying regular issues when I was about 12 or 13 years old. I like trades. I like mini-series. I like special events. Buying every issue is boring.
When the story arc in GROUND ZERO was originally published about 15 years ago, the only issue I picked up was the opening in which the Hulk had a rematch with Wolverine. I'd bought Hulk's original battle with Wolvie as part of a three-pack of Marvels at the Alpha Beta Supermarket near my home when I was about nine. My friends and I agreed that "this Wolverine guy is a bad character" ("bad" meaning "good") but the general consensus was that he was too weak to fight the Hulk and would do better against Spider-Man, which we agreed would never happen because they'd never show Spider-Man getting all cut up.
This series of stories involves Banner/Hulk, longtime pain in the ass Rick Jones, and renegade SHIELD agent Clay Quartermain on a quest to destroy a secret government stockpile of gamma bombs. The Hulk's archenemy, the underused Leader, is also after the bombs. Aside from Wolverine, the Hulk squares off against an old Iron Man/Daredevil foe the Man-Bull (poorly used here), the Leader's cool gamma powered stooge Half-Life, some giant robots, and, worst of all, a pair of former Hulk-busters turned into characters called The Rock and The Redeemer. The Rock has to be the stupidest looking character I've ever seen in a comic book, and that's saying a lot.
But that aside, this is some of Peter David's best work. He seizes on the nuclear peril which should often be a huge part of THE INCREDIBLE HULK. And he subtly shows up glimpse of Banner in the Hulk, and the Hulk in Banner. Dialogue is another of David's great strengths. He makes the Leader particularly interesting, funny and evil.
In an interview recently, Todd McFarlane said that he thought a lot of people would end up disappointed if he returned to artwork. He seemed to feel that people remember him as being better than he actually was. He's wrong. He was as good as everyone always said he was. We just have to look at the old books to see that. Like a zillion of you, I loved his Spider-Man with the big eyes and the knotty webs (although I hated it whenever anyone else tried to draw Spidey that way), but I think his best Marvel artwork was on THE INCREDIBLE HULK.
Here's a thought. Those crazy kids David and McFarlane should team up again. I'll bet they'd get a kick out of working together after all these years.
This trade has been around a while, but that's the great thing about trades. They give you a chance to catch up on the great stories and artwork, like GROUND ZERO, that you might have missed.
100 BULLETS: FIRST SHOT, LAST CALL tpb
Written by Brian Azzarello
Art by Eduardo Risso and Grant Goleash
Covers by Dave Johnson
Published by DC/Vertigo
Reviewed by Brian Buzz Maverik
Welcome back to the @$$hole Institute of Mad Science. As you know, I am Herr Doktor Maverik. I trust those inhibitor collars are comfortable as well as functional in preventing you from using your respective powers. Once again, I have dispatched my partners Superninja, The Village Idiot and Ambush Bug, this time in Mach 2 @$$droid armor, to bring back subjects for our experiment. Today, we are going to see which comic book writer named Brian, who sports the shaved-head look, will win in a fight to the death while locked in a weapons-studded maze as the walls close in. The results of this research will be published in @$$hole's Wear Daily.
Ah, Superninja is dumping 100 BULLETS/HELLBLAZER/BANNER/CAGE scribe Brian Azzarello in the enclosure now. On the other end, Ambush Bug is depositing POWERS/ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN/DAREDEVIL writer Brian Michael Bendis into the Doomaze, as I like to call it. It appears The Village Idiot is having a little trouble with Y: THE LAST MAN/ THE HOOD co-creator Brian Vaughan.
"What's the problem, Id?"
"This isn't Vaughan, Buzz. This guy doesn't even write comic books."
"Why didn't you get Vaughan?"
"Because we don't know what Vaughan looks like. For all we know, Vaughan doesn't even shave his head."
"Nonsense. He's a comic book writer named Brian, isn't he. Of course he shaves his head. Why'd you pick this guy?"
"He was there and he doesn't have a hair on his head."
"Fair enough. Toss him in."
The instant Id's captive hit the maze, Azzarello and Bendis ganged up on him. Desensitized to life and death struggles, I kicked back with the first 100 BULLETS tpb. Many of you know that I wasn't really interested in modern comics until I started this reviewing crap, so I'm catching up on a lot of the hot new series like this one.
100 BULLETS is one of the most admired series on the market today and I can see why. Risso's art is gritty yet surreal at the same time. And Azzarello's dark crime fables are realistically constructed (expect for the central conceit of a mystery man giving the victim of a grave injustice an untraceable gun and briefcase full with a 100 bullets that they are free to use as they see fit, immune from prosecution -- a brilliant and intriguing concept! God, can you imagine Vertigo's reaction to this proposal? I'd have accepted it instantly).
That said, I also feel that it is a series I will not follow. I admired the talent and imagination of the creators, especially Azzarello's gift for dialogue. But these stories lack even the romance of noir. Maybe on a monthly basis it isn't such an overwhelming wave of sadness. I don't know. This book is done so well, but for me, one dose is enough. I mean, I love the film TAXI DRIVER, but no way could I stand THE CONTINUING ADVENTURES OF TRAVIS BICKEL.
Let me check the maze. As expected, the Brian Vaughan impersonator is dead. Surprisingly, Azzarello is down and once again Bendis is waving a gore-drenched weed-eater in triumph. However, the sensors indicate that Azzarello is still alive and has taken a dive. That's what I get for showing this on pay-per-view. I'm sure that organized crime, organized gambling and organized sports have gotten to Azzarello.
Time for the walls to close in.
UNION JACK tpb
Written by Ben Raab & John Cassaday
Art by John Cassaday & Dave Stewart
Published by Marvel
Reviewed by Buzz "Bloody 'ell" Maverik
Slog off, you punters! I see by the hands on Big Ben that it's time to stop wanking to those Page 3 birds in the Sun Times Express Daily, eat meself a quick fry-up and review the UNION JACK trade by that CAPTAIN YANK artist bloke John Cassaday and writer Ben Raab.
The great thing about Cassaday's art is that he's one of the few geezers drawering today who doesn't look like he's Brahms 'n' Lischt on brandy and ginger when he's holding the pencil. Bollocks and sauce if his art work isn't right bloody smashing. And his writing is better than a scooter race down Brighton way or picking up an attractive poof down in Soho if you happen to be that kind of git.
Sod it all, luvs, those of you still in public school might not know that the original Union Jack was a World War I British hero fighting Kaiser Willie's boys, but who came out of retirement to help the WW II superhero group THE INVADERS (whose books was published in the '70s) fight a vampire by the name of Baron Blood who is working for the Gerrys. Union Jack hooked up with the team when the original Human Torch tried to get into the knickers of Lady Jacqueline Falsworth, Union J's daughter and a tasty bint who would soon have her own superpowers. For the record, Lady Jackie fancied Captain Yank. Lady Jackie is 70 years old in this story but has had her youth restored somewhere in the continuity preceding, so she's somewhat easy on the eyes again. Of course, she has that weird silver hair like Storm, Silver Sable, Saturyne and Silver St. Cloud (good thing Lady Jackie's super-bird handle was Spitfire to go along with the "S" theme; of course, how do you explain that Abbey Cable bird over at DC...ah, a supporting character in Swamp Thing).
But enough of these bollocks and cream! The new Captain Bri---, I mean Union Jack, is a bit of a hard nut named Joey Chapman who takes the place of Lady Jackie's somewhat poofy son Kenneth, a mate of Joey's. But don't worry your chips about Ken, because a cult of vampires have plans for him.
So huzzah for UNION JACK. Huzzah for Cassaday! Huzzah for Raab! Draw me a warm pint and fry me some sheep's brains with little toast wedgies, I say this book is spot on!
MARVEL VISIONARIES: STERANKO
Written by Jim Steranko, Stan Lee, Arnold Drake
Art by Jim Steranko, John Tartaglione, Joe Sinnott, Tom Palmer.
Published by Marvel
Reviewed by Buzz Maverik
Until recently, it seemed difficult and expensive to get a good look at Jim Steranko's incredible late '60s, early '70s artwork for Marvel Comics. I'd seen a few posters, some ads in old, old, old back issues of other stuff I'd picked up, and some examples in books about the comic medium, but that was it.
Steranko, along with Neal Adams, was really the bridge from founding fathers Jack Kirby and Steve Ditko to that of the then new-guard Frank Miller and John Byrne. Yeah, I know, there was a long stretch of blandness after Steranko and Adams before Byrne, Miller and Simonson showed up at Marvel, but my point is still valid so shut up.
Last year, Marvel was gracious enough to publish Steranko's Nick Fury run in the trade paperbacks NICK FURY: AGENT OF SHIELD and NICK FURY: SCORPIO. Some of Steranko's work showed up, black and white, in THE ESSENTIAL CAPTAIN AMERICA VOL. 2. I highly recommend these volumes for all true Marvelites.
Looking at Steranko's art, my first glib thought is "Kirby on acid". That's a little too glib. How the hell do I know if Steranko ever did acid? And his art is beautifully weird, with an edge of psychedelia, but it's not that weird. Aside from Kirby in the '60s and Byrne in the '80s, no other artist can put their stamp on a villain's hidden fortress like Steranko!
This volume features a pair of X-MEN stories and includes the famous cover to X-MEN # 50. These issues are cool because of Steranko touches like Mesmero's hideout, the look of Eric the Red, the rocket car, Polaris, Magneto's highly visual attacks on our mutant heroes, and a Wil Eisner-style title design. The dialogue is some of the worst you'll see in a non-Golden Age comic story. Don't worry. Steranko didn't write it. He wrote better than this. The god-awful writing is oddly ironic because it points out how little Marvel cared about THE X-MEN, which would one day be its most popular title. It used to be a throwaway book, if you can believe that! When Roy Thomas hired Neal Adams from DC, he told him he could do anything he wanted on the X-MEN since no one read it anyway and Marvel would soon cancel it. I imagine writer Arnold Drake (yes! THE Arnold Drake) was told the same thing. Steranko should have done the writing as well as the art!
Next up, a three issue CAPTAIN AMERICA arc with writing by Stan Lee. I'm sure that Steranko plotted the stories and Stan figured out what words to add (how the hell could he do that? Anybody who can look at page after page of wordless comic book art and make dialogue and captions is smarter than ol' Buzz. A full script, I could manage, but Marvel style? Fuggedabowdit!). The plots are wonderfully nuts. Lonely Steve Rogers wandering the streets of Marvel City, lighting his pipe (I always found it hilarious that Golden Age Batman and Golden Age Captain America smoked! The Black Panther lit a cigarette in his first appearance in THE FANTASTIC FOUR. As far as I know, this is the only silver age depiction of Cap smoking) when the Hulk bursts out of a building for no reason. See, this kind of thing happens all the time in Marvel City! The Hulk soon leaves on his own, but by that time Rick Jones has become Cap's partner. From there, Steranko ushers in my favorite era of Captain America stories which can all be described more or less like "Captain America smashed the forces of Hydra/ AIM/ The Secret Empire, but the Supreme Hydra/ Modok/ Number One escaped." Steranko's artwork is moody and noirish, unexpected choices for CAPTAIN AMERICA. There's a battle in a '60s era Time Square arcade, all neon and reflections, that is really unmatched in tone. If you don't know Steranko's work, I can best describe it as Frank Miller at his best early in his first DAREDEVIL run. God, Stan should have given Steranko DAREDEVIL.
The last two stories are some of the most fun, and a good reminder that Marvel used to publish more than just superhero comics. There's an EC style horror story, complete with ghoul narrator, from TOWER OF SHADOWS # 1 that gives us this volumes only example of Steranko as writer (he also does the art!) and my favorite, a romance from OUR LOVE STORY # 5, that is beautiful to look at but will unintentionally have you laughing on your ass. I will never rag on trendy material again because dated stuff has a purpose. Steranko's stuff is real sixtiesish, with the fashions, men in scarves, big glasses on women, mini-shirts, almost Peter Maxx looking. The story is about a young woman in an acting class that travels to Hollywood to study under film director Roman Polans--, I mean Arturo Lavelle. This young actress was probably later killed by the Manson family because she marries the director. Instead of Sharon Tate, she's call Victoria Something. What I love about this character, is that she has that white hair that only comic book babes have. Let's go down the list. Storm. Silver St. Cloud. Silver Sable. Saturyne. Abbey Cable in SWAMP THING. Spitfire in UNION JACK. So what where does the letter "s" fit in with Victoria Whatever? She was drawn by Steranko, of course.
Finally, we have a cover gallery. Covers to western comics. Covers to horror comics. To science fiction comics. Even to superhero hero comics.
Treat yourself to this book!
DESPERADOES: A MOMENT'S SUNLIGHT tpb
Written by Jeff Marioette
Art by John Cassaday, Nick Bell, Laura DePuy
Published by Image/Homage/Wildstorm
Reviewed by Buzz Maverik
Des-per-ado, why don't you come to your senses?/ You've been out ridin' fences
for so long now...
Do not struggle. You cannot escape your containment tubes. Hi! I'm Herr Doktor Maverik. Welcome once again to The @$$hole Institute Of Mad Science. In an effort to further mankind's knowledge and rule the world, I have considered several experiments to conduct. Finally, I just decided to do what I always do and have my three partners Ambush Bug, Superninja and the Village Idiot don @$$-droid exo-skeletons and kidnap three people who will fight to the death in a maze to keep the walls from closing in and crushing them.
But who to have them kidnap? At first, I considered having my three favorite comic book artists -- John (PLANETARY) Cassaday, Bryan (ULTIMATES) Hitch and Seth (VERTIGO POP: TOKYO) Fisher duel to the death. But I realized that all my experiments thus far have involved people with similar names. Therefore, I went ahead and had The Village Idiot snatch John Cassaday, an artist of consistent greatness. Superninja was sent after former teen idol David Cassidy, but unable to bring him down, settled for his brother, former teen idol Shaun Cassidy instead. Ambush Bug traveled through the Time Distortion Portal to the 1950s and brought back famed beatnik and inspiration for the characters Dean Moriarty in ON THE ROAD and Hart Kennedy in GO, none other than Neal Cassady!
While Cassaday, Cassidy and Cassady hacked away at each other, I decided to enjoy some of John Cassaday's early artwork in DESPERADOES: A MOMENT'S SUNLIGHT. This is a fine horror western. It's hard to decide which elements writer Mariotte and artist Cassaday do better, the horror or the western. Their story involves a former Texas ranger, an emancipated slave turned buffalo soldier, an ex-whore and an ex-Pinkerton detective on the trail of a murder who kills Native American women and their half-breed sons to gain supernatural powers. It is gory and unsettling, but it gets you rooting for the good guys!
The copy I recently picked up was published by Image, I guess before Wildstorm became part of DC (but don't tell Alan Moore he's actually working for DC. He'd shit!). I understand that DC is about to publish the second DESPERADOES collection, called QUIET OF THE GRAVE. I can't wait. While it doesn't have the always wonderful Cassaday art, I think the artist is famed Western comic illustrator John Severin (who also did a million issues of CRACKED MAGAZINE), so the pencil is in good hands. I can't wait. Love those Desperadoes!
The experiment ended with John Cassaday racked with guilt over dropping a washer/dryer combination on Neal Cassady's head. Evidently, Neal had taken out Shaun. I reassured John that since Neal was already dead in our time, that he hadn't committed murder. Then I used some amnesia gas on him so he would remember nothing of the incident and had the @$$borgs take him back to New York.
Des-per-ado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger/ Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home...
CORALINE
Written by Neil Gaiman
With Illustrations by Dave McKean
Published by HarperCollins
A “Buzz” Quixote review
Cormorant was working on the tunnel to Gail Simone’s house, and Ambush Bug ran off to join the Scottish Republican Army, so it was a quiet day at @$$hole Headquarters. To pass the time, I was snorting Cuervo with Superninja, and trying to explain to her why my pitch for an Alistair Crowly movie included so many shotgun fights, when I noticed the ghost of Fatty Arbuckle hovering in front of the Coke machine, pounding on its side.
I called out to him, “You’re S.O.L., Arbuckle. It only dispenses cans.”
He gave it a final kick before gliding over to me. “Buzz,” he said, “I must speak with you. It’s about the new Neil Gaiman novel, Coraline.”
“Quixote,” I corrected him.
“Huh?” He looked bewildered.
“I’m Jon Quixote,” I said. “Not Buzz.”
“Oh,” he said. “You sound like Buzz.”
“I know,” I nodded, “I’m making fun of him. Now what were you saying about Coraline?”
He hovered back and forth nervously, leaving streaks of ectoplasmic slime over our parquet floor. I wasn’t cleaning that up. “I was kind of hoping to talk to Buzz,” he said. I hate dealing with the dead. So fuckin’ stubborn.
“Yeah, well Buzz ain’t here. You’ll have to make due with me.” I wiped some salt from my nose onto my sleeve. “And I already read Coraline. Great book. Beautifully spooky, with an edge of psychedelia. So what the hell do you have to say about it?”
He kept looking over his shoulders, uncertain. Like a kid sent on an errand that was over his head. I was getting frustrated “Are you gonna bark all day, little doggie? Or are you gonna bite?” I spat.
“Hey,” he said, “Buzz doesn’t talk like that. That’s Mr. Blonde from Reservoir Dogs.”
If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a back-talking phantasm. “Listen, punk. To me you're nothin' but dogshit, you understand? And a lot of things can happen to dogshit.”
“And that’s Dirty Harry in Sudden Impact,” he said. Shit. They must have HBO in hell. “This is the worst impression ever. You didn’t even spell ‘Crowley’ right. I don’t think you even know who he is.”
“Look, are we gonna talk about Gaiman or not,” I said. My head was throbbing.
”I’ll bet you never really snorted a shot of tequila in your life,” Arbuckle muttered. “Probably have no idea what to do with the lime.”
“Yeah,” I screamed, “well, here’s what I do know. I know that Coraline is probably the closest god-damned thing to classic Children’s Literature that the industry has seen since Roald Dahl went gently into the good night.
“I know that Gaiman said that children will read it as an adventure novel, and adults will read it as a horror, and he’s absolutely right. The atmosphere drips with terror; the black buttons invoke serial killer literature, and the twisted parallel universe concept is reminiscent of the darkest parts of Wizard of Oz and Through the Looking Glass. But the quest structure and trademark humor also make this book a blast for children and adults alike.
“I know that the use of language is extraordinary. Gaiman is a huge fan of the Romantics and of Victorian Kiddie Lit, and those influences are all over this book. There’s a huge nod to oral tradition here. There’s a rhythm to the words that approaches Byronic poetry, alliterative and lively, which makes it a great book to read aloud to younger children.
“I know that the reading level is closer to Francis Hodgson Burnett than J.K. Rowling. That means Coraline is the best type of Children’s Literature: a book designed to make your kids smarter while entertaining the hell out of them, and you, if you choose to read it.
“I know that it’s didactic, funny, scary, and just plain awesome. I love Gaiman as an adult novelist, but he was born to write children’s books. What I don’t know, Arbuckle, is exactly what the hell you’re doing here, and what Coraline has to do with you?”
“Uh, I gotta go,” Fatty said. And he vanished in a puff of purple smoke. My eyes started to sting.
I felt someone slapping my face. Superninja was trying to wake me up. “Jon, Jon!” she was, between strikes. The vision, the conversation…it was all a dream.
“Great!” I heard Arbuckle’s voice inside my head. “Not only do you do a piss poor job of mocking Buzz’s review style, but you have to close by ripping of a Zimmerman ending?”
“Nnnh. No,” I mumbled out loud. “Dallas. I’m ripping off that episode of Dallas.”
Superninja shot me a bewildered look. “Alright,” she said, picking the tequila bottle up off the table, “You’re cut off.”
Then, she slapped me once more. Just for the hell of it.
