Harry here... this sounds... AWFUL... I'm crawling in terror now... here ya go...
Hey, PoleOfJustice here, about to, sadly, rip THE TUXEDO a new one.
Now, let's get something straight: Jackie Chan is permanently cool. I don't care what the geeks might say, the man will always, always, always kick ass. Even when he's in shockingly bad dreck like THE TUXEDO. Even during the uncomfortably awkward and embarrassing scenes in the film (and there's lots. Loads.) he's always charming and fun to watch. Chan is not the problem: surrounding him with a halfway decent movie is.
Before I get into the specifics of why I thought THE TUXEDO failed miserably, let me make a few assertions that, before tonight, I would have thought were obvious.
1-Jackie Chan does not need wire-fu.
2-The romantic interest should not be an intolerable bitch. The character, I mean, not necessarily the actress playing her.
3-If you're going to put Chan in a movie, let him use his comedic skills as well as his kick ass skills.
4-Jackie Chan DOES NOT FUCKING NEED WIRE-FU.
There is precisely one (1) fight scene in the film worthy of the great one, in which he does the kick-a-bunch-of-guys'-asses-while-trying-to-put-your-pants-on move. Hell yeah. This is what you go to see a Chan movie for. Hysterical, bad-ass, and so kinetic it feels like a sugar rush.
The rest of the film can take a flying leap.
The plot, for those who care, is as follows: Chan is a driver for a super spy, who has a "magic" tuxedo that kicks ass for him. The premise should be unstoppable: Chan beating the snot out of everyone while looking comically confused. This is precisely the kind of innocent-but-still-kicking-your-ass-spectacularly setup that informs much of Chan's best work (PROJECT A, DRUNKEN MASTER II.) Unfortunately, the rest of the film is so spastic, confused and dull that there is no forward momentum at all, and this early promise is completely squandered. No, not just squandered. Ignored.
Now, an action film, particularly one as over the top as THE TUXEDO tries to be, doesn't need a story, really. THE TRANSPORTER, which makes THE TUXEDO look like a small stain (more of a globule, really) on a drum stool, makes less narrative sense, but it has the crucial focus that this lacks. THE TRANSPORTER decided it was going to blow up as much stuff and ignore as many laws of physics as possible, and did it all at 800 miles an hour. THE TUXEDO has nothing so noble.
In fact, the fact that I'm discussing the plot at all should be a big warning flag. The climax is a joke: the threat is revealed to be non-existent before all Hell (theoretically) breaks loose. If the evil plan's not gonna work, why are we supposed to be worried again? At one point, inexplicably, Love-Hewitt gives the bad guy the tuxedo. He even asks "why are you doing this?" We never find out. But, of course, he HAD to get into the tuxedo so he could get into a big fight with Chan. Normally, this kind of blatant narrative lapse wouldn't matter at all. In this film, it's a kick in the gut.
And speaking of a kick in the gut, the final hero-hooks-up-with-girl scene is the worst in the history of cinema. This is not hyperbole. I'm serious. If you took every other guy and girl hook up at the end scene ever made, whatever won (?) first place would then have to take a distant second to THE TUXEDO. It's that bad.
Which leads me to Jennifer Love-Hewitt. Now, despite what you probably think from reading the above, I don't mind her. I don't particularly like or dislike her. But here, she's worse than nails on a chalkboard. This isn't really her fault: her character is so shockingly unsympathetic that I doubt anyone could dig their way out of it. Oh goody, a bitchy, spoiled, sorority girl who hasn't matured past the age of 14. Oh. My. God. The only real satisfying way to deal with her character would have been Chan kicking the living shit out of her in place of the bad guy, which (for a laundry-list of reasons) is obviously never gonna happen, so we as audience members have to grin and bear it.
The ending, such as it is, is ridiculously protracted. The film drags in more places than I can count. Why? Well, one reason is that Chan is sleuthing for extended periods of time. C'mon, let him beat, dance, or bumble his way into it. This is the film's ultimate failure (and believe me, it was work settling on just one.) Jackie Chan needs to be left alone to be Jackie Chan. He's incidental here.
I wanted to like this. Really, I did. I chose to see this over a lot of things I really should have been doing. I had to drive 45 minutes one-way to see this. I was primed for even a mediocre film, 'cause hey, it's Jackie Chan! Poop. It goes without saying that SHANGHAI KNIGHTS will mop up the floor with this.
It's still better than MR. NICE GUY, though.
Pole (distressingly) out.
