Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
I like Martin Brest. BEVERLY HILLS COP and MIDNIGHT RUN and SCENT OF A WOMAN are all great big commercial entertainments, and GOING IN STYLE, which Brest also wrote, is a gem that most people have forgotten.
GIGLI is the first script that Brest has written since GOING IN STYLE, and I’m very curious to see what he’s come up with. I hope it’s good stuff. Here’s the first review I’ve seen come in for the film:
Harry
Fear of a Ted Planet here with a touching movie review of "Gigli" starring Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez, I'm pretty sure the guy who plays Screech from "Saved by the Bell", and cameos by Christopher Walkin and Al Pacino. If you see this is playing at your theatre, run run run far away as fast as you can.
"Gigli" (rhymes with 'really' and is pronounced 'gee-lee') is Ben Affleck's character, Larry Gigli. Gigli is an East Coast accented LA native emotionally conflicted mob enforcer with a heart of gold who is put in charge of kidnapping a DA's younger retawded/autistic brother, so as to put the squeeze on the DA who is attempting to put Gigli's mob boss in jail. Did you get all that? I'm not sure I did after 2 hours and 20 minutes of a really bad movie.
Larry Gigli kidnaps the kid (again, played by Screech from "Saved by the Bell"-- I'm sure of it) and takes him back to his apartment to hide out. Jennifer Lopez shows up at the apartment as another mob enforcer named Ricki who is supposed make sure Gigli doesn't screw it up. She's a lesbian too, by the way. A tough lesbian mob enforcer with low cut jeans and a belly shirt and perfect makeup, who quotes "The Art of War", practices Zen philosophy and yoga. We are told, by them, by the mob boss, by and to each other over and over that "hey, we're different and don't like each other, but let's just try and get along for the duration until this job is over." The audience is told that. Not shown, TOLD. Will sparks fly? Will the two fall for each other? Hmmmm. Are you still with me? I'm not and I saw the movie.
Anywho, the retawded kid grows on grumpy Gigli, J-Lo and Gigli grow on each other, they question their existence as mob enforcers, the mob boss wants to make an example out of the retawded kid to the DA, Christopher Walkin shows up as a detective for two scenes and does the mandatory Christopher Walkin monologue, Al Pacino shows up as the mob boss from NY for one scene to do the Al Pacino over-acting-volume-set-at-eleven-like-he-was-in-Spinal Tap, moral conflicts ensue, what's going to happen? Will Gigli find inner happiness and change his character through instruction and sage wisdom from the retawded kid's hijinks and J-Lo's character's Zen quotes?
How do we know the kid is retawded? (that's Affleck's accent during the whole movie - a kind of Bostonian/ Chicago/ New Jersey thing that comes and goes at will - "re-tawded". His character is an LA native who wears the same outfits that were worn by Ray Liotta in "Good Fellas" or the cast of "Swingers".) Because Brian, the retawded kid (again, I'm pretty sure it was played by Screech from "SBTB") is an amalgamation of all retawded people as seen in the movies. Rocking back and forth ala "Rain Man"? Check. Pearls of wisdom via "I am Sam"? Sure. Does he have cute obsessions like portable radios, Baywatch, sunflower seeds and other benign interests? Okay. Like Affleck's accent, Brian's autism comes in and out at will.
How do we know Affleck's character is a mob enforcer? We don't. Nothing about him or his actions say Tough Guy, or I Will Kill You. How about J-Lo? Is she believable for one single minute that she is ...bear with me.. a lesbian mob enforcer? Nuh-uh. It was as if their publicists got together and said, "Let's put 'em in a movie where they essentially play themselves but we'll TELL the audience that they're tough characters. And then let's orchestrate an off-screen relationship between the two to hype the movie."
So what do I have for you:
1. Ben Affleck has bitch tits.
2. We don't see J-Lo's boobies, but do get to listen to her talk about how great it is to be a lesbian.
3. Retawded kids are cute and easy to manage with enough tough love, exposure to the F word, gunfire, and strange people yelling.
4. Somebody should shoot Christopher Walkin and Al Pacino for doing their standard walk-on character's with monologues.
5. I lost 2 hours of my life.
6. Ben Affleck is only good playing a complete asshole character ("Dazed and Confused" and "Boiler Room")
7. J-Lo was good in "Out of Sight" and wears great pants.
8. Run from this movie.
You can call me Fear of a Ted Planet
... okay, so that wasn’t exactly the good review I was hoping for...
"Moriarty" out.
