AICN COMICS: TalkBack League Of @$$Holes Reviews!!

Writer: Mark Millar

Penciler: Bryan Hitch

Publisher: Marvel Comics

Reviewed by Cormorant

Not since I walked out of David Fincher’s SEVEN, thinking “What a loathsome little movie that was,” have I felt so out of touch with mainstream tastes. As a cop thriller, SEVEN was mediocre; as commentary on the human condition it was nihilistically trite; and it seemed to me that its chief “draw” was to play to people’s base desire to see torturous violence in the form of one extended autopsy scene after another. That was my take, but audiences loved SEVEN. Most of my friends loved SEVEN. A quick trip to the Internet Movie Database even shows that it holds the impressive ranking of being the 57th best-reviewed film among fans who’ve voted there. Likewise, THE ULTIMATES consistently ranks as one of the top-ten most ordered comics, and most of my friends are loving it.

But, like SEVEN, I think it’s a shallow piece of juvenility masquerading as an adult story.

I didn’t at first, though. While the premiere issue didn’t wow me, come the second and third issues I was actually sold on the book. It was a gritty comic that reveled a little too much in subverting classic Marvel icons, but the concepts were keen, and coupled with brief glimpses of humanity, they led me to think of THE ULTIMATES along the lines of a Michael Crichton techno-thriller. It had the big ideas that Crichton loves, where the fantastic is grounded by deft touches of reality; a recruitment of specialists that ran the gamut between altruistic and totally self-serving, another Crichton staple; and Millar’s cinematic staging certainly reminded me of Crichton, who’d probably option his grocery lists to Hollywood if he could.

Come the fourth issue and I was starting to have some doubts. Characters were growing more venal and Millar began name-dropping celebs at an incredibly annoying rate. The fifth issue, in which a drunken and horny Hulk murdered dozens and trashed New York while chasing his ultra-shrewish wife, was a sudden galvanizing point. Most folks I know loved it, but for me, enough was enough. The Ultimates were never meant to be the original Avengers, but this was going too far. I began to sense that Millar was taking a perverse delight in fucking around with these heroic properties, and I’ve never been one for shock value. Complacency is a creative enemy too, but shock value’s just as cheap.

And now we’re at issue six, the conclusion of the first story arc and a denouement to the big battle with the Hulk. Any remaining hopes I had that Millar might balance out the subversive shock value elements with a measure of humanity have officially been extinguished. I suppose the biggest shock was that not one fucking character in the entire book expresses remorse or grief for the events of the previous issue, which left dozens dead and huge sections of New York in ruins (certain visuals overtly reference the World Trade Center wreckage). Since Banner (and therefore The Hulk) is actually a part of The Ultimates team, you’d think the team would bear a heavy burden of shame and responsibility.

But no.

Banner’s wife pretty much spells out the book’s level of cynicism when she observes of the Hulk’s murderous rampage in pursuit of her, “It’s really kind of flattering, isn’t it?” Her next step as PR director of the team is to spin events to their advantage, and much to my distaste, every member of the team pretty much falls in line in whoring themselves out to the media. Most are shown winning over crowds or charming talkshow hosts, and the sole dissenting note comes from Captain America, whose mild, “…I’m really not amused by this,” is instantly shut down by Tony Stark, who responds, “Point noted, Mister Rogers. Point noted.” Apparently “Ultimate” Cap is an ultimate wuss, because he takes this without another word, and then sits down for a pleasant dinner with Tony Stark and Thor. This is the great inspirational icon of World War II? Coulda fooled me.

Oh, and Stark’s main reaction to the carnage of the Hulk’s attack? Exhilaration, apparently, and nothing else. As he tells Thor and Cap of the battle, “My god, no wonder they’ve sold fifteen million copies of the DVD. It’s spectacular.” Coupled with Betty’s comments about the attack being “flattering,” and the non-reaction of most of the other members, it literally seems as if Cap is the only person with even mild regret over what happened. Good thing he’s spineless, or the team might actually have to face some moral ramifications. But Millar applies his realism selectively, and altruism, humanity, and grief are realistic concepts that seem far less important to him than selfishness and subversiveness. It’s bizarre, but the characters that populate Millar’s “realistic” take are actually worse than I think real people would be.

Now it’s possible that Millar is meaning all this to be satirical – a barbed assault on the amorality of corporations and the military – but if so, it’s failing, because the book reads as pretty straightforward action/suspense. And when Mr. Bastion of Liberty, Captain America himself, is portrayed without irony as a spineless shill…well, that’s where I’ve gotta say “enough.”

Rounding the issue out is a violent domestic dispute between Janet Pym and her emotionally disturbed husband, Hank. I’ll save the grisly specifics for you folks out there who grooved to the crime scenes in SEVEN, but suffice to say there are some nasty revelations and plenty of brutality. If ULTIMATES wasn’t becoming such a mean-spirited little book, an abusive relationship might have some actual poignancy, but considering the book’s tone (last issue, Hulk was shouting “Hulk smash Freddie Prinze Jr.!”), it comes across as just one more shock scene. And on that level, it was a success – I was shocked enough that I decided I didn’t want to read this drivel anymore.

Have I mentioned the art yet? It’s superlative work by Bryan Hitch, and I have nothing but admiration for his talent. I just wish he was drawing a book I actually enjoyed.

Final judgment: I’ve encountered so many people who dig THE ULTIMATES that I’m almost willing to admit that I’m just out of touch on the book. But not quite. I’m no prude, and I enjoy the Marvel MAX titles ALIAS and THE HOOD on a monthly basis. I think my particular distaste for THE ULTIMATES has to do with the fact that even though the book hasn’t displaced the regular AVENGERS, I actually feel it’s sullying the legendary characters of that book. ALIAS, for all the controversy it stirred up, actually seems to respect its hero guest-stars (Captain America, Daredevil, and Warbird, to name a few). ULTIMATES, on the other hand, pisses on them with juvenile glee. I’ll be dropping the book just as I’ve dropped ULTIMATE X-MEN, and I just pray the two don’t end up tainting Bendis’ good work on ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN.

SUPERPATRIOT: AMERICA'S FIGHTING FORCE # 1-2

written by Robert Kirkman

art by Cory Walker

published by Image

reviewed by Buzz Maverik

Since no one is doing CAPTAIN AMERICA these days, if you need a star-spangled comic book in a hurry you have to turn to Erik Larsen's SUPERPATRIOT, now in a mini-series by Kirkman and Walker.

You see, SUPERPATRIOT has an integrity that the current book they are calling CAPTAIN AMERICA lacks. I have to agree with CrossGen honcho Mark Alessi about Marvel turning September 11 into a plot device. Marvel has a guy dressed like an American flag battling terrorists who are nothing like real terrorists, in a Universe where over two dozen different beings could have blasted, teleported or knocked those planes away from the World Trade Center. Yeah, I'll take SUPERPATRIOT any day.

And SUPERPATRIOT isn't even that great of a book.

In the first issue, the main villain is a swastika-faced guy whom is evidently a longtime foe of the SuperPatriot. The modern trend in comics is away from exposition and updating the reader but it would have been nice if Kirkman would have told us the character's name! In the second issue, I found out that it was Baron Blitzkrieg, a good name for a Nazi villain. If this were a new character, shrouded in mystery, or if it were supposed to be some sort of revelation, I could understand, but this is just assuming too much.

It's funny. Walker's art was better in the first issue, Kirkman's writing better in the second. The fight scenes in issue two seem very still. No impact. Walker would do well to look over some of Sal Buscema's CAPTAIN AMERICAs from the 1970s. Buscema's art was not flashy – it was just well done – and when Cap hit somebody, they looked hit! But at least in issue two, Kirkman tells us the names of the villains and gives us a great origin for Brainiape, which I won't spoil but it makes you wonder who Marvel's Hatemonger really is. But unless I'm missing something (which is entirely possible) Kirkman and Walker waste a whole page on a SuperPatriot groupie getting a message that he's breaking their date, with scintillating dialogue like "Oh. I've got a message." However, the talk radio running gag is good.

SUPERPATRIOT: AMERICA'S FIGHTING FORCE. It beats UltiMAXKnights CAPTAIN AMERICA any day.

La Perdida #2

Jessica Abel

Fantagraphics

reviewed by: Lizzybeth

This comic came out several weeks ago, but if you’re like me, you may have missed it. Maybe it’s because Fantagraphics has been relatively low-key in its releases of the last few months, or possibly because of the printing error that added in a duplicate page and subtracted a fairly important plot point in the first print run. Despite this snafu I found the issue to be an interesting, thoughtful read.

La Perdida is the story of Carla, an American girl in Mexico City. She’s trying to live the authentic life, leaving behind her middle-class upbringing and, eventually, her blue-blooded boyfriend who brought her to Mexico on what was at first a vacation. Despite her limited grasp of Spanish, she secures a regular job and a circle of friends to help her adjust to her new home, but can she ever really shed her past, and is her romantic attachment to Mexico based on anything resembling reality? This is a story that starts out as a slice-of-life and steers comfortably into some tough questions about privilege, prejudice, and whether a person can really walk in anyone’s shoes but their own. The art seemed at first to be merely competent, but became more and more expressive as I became immersed in the story, and after the effective final scene I was compelled to turn back and reread immediately. I can empathize with Carla, who wants so badly to live a politically “pure” life without realizing how harshly she judges everyone else’s, including the people she’s left behind in the states. She’s in the impossible position of being young and “lost” in a world where nothing quite lives up to the standards she’s invented. Jessica Abel, author of the highly-respected ARTBABE series, has created a compelling and honest look at culture and politics as it applies to people, and not to textbooks.

For a special web-only short story, sort of an aside to the events of La Perdida, take a trip over to this page: Xochimilco.

Title: SUICIDE SQUAD #12

Writer: Keith Giffen

Penciler: Paco Medina

Publisher: DC Comics

Screwed into buying and reviewing it: Ambush Bug

Why, Keith? Why?

Why do you do this to me? Haven’t I been kind? Didn’t I name myself after one of your best creations? Didn’t you get the flowers and the Mariachi singers and the puppy with the droopy ears? Didn’t I faithfully read your books throughout the 80’s and 90’s and laugh with glee at your irreverent takes on the superhero genre? I’ve been good to you, boobsy. I know I have. So why would you muck up one of my favorite titles so badly? How could you do SUICIDE SQUAD and me so wrong?

From the get go, I felt leery about this title. Placing a writer best known for his characterization and humor on a title that deals with criminals being sent to their death and the bureaucracy behind it all seemed like a bad match. But I gave it a shot. Hell, I even gave issue #9 a semi-positive review, when the book attempted to iron out the wrinkles of the previous eight issues. Upon hearing that the book would be canceled with its twelfth issue, I hoped Giffen would turn it up a notch and go out with a bang. Well, that didn’t happen.

I recently read the preface to the JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL trade paperback which featured the first few issues of the classic series. Those issues had the famous Batman/Guy Gardner fight, the formation of the Blue and the Gold (Blue Beetle and Booster Gold), and scores of hilarious antics from a group of superheroes who may not have been the biggest of the big guns of the DC Universe, but were definitely the most interesting for a while. The preface states that Giffen wasn’t confident in his writing and sought the help of J.M. DeMatteis to help with the story. Now, DeMatteis isn’t exactly burning up the racks with his work on SPECTRE right now. While a lot of his SPECTRE stories seem like good ideas, I find his work lacking in the character department. The reason I bring this up is to note how perfectly these two creators worked together to create one of my favorite runs in comics. DeMatteis steered the ship with interesting stories, while Giffen supplied the gusts of wind with the character and humor. In SUICIDE SQUAD, without DeMatteis to pin him down, Giffen seems to be all over the place and nowhere at the same time.

In SUICIDE SQUAD, the characters constantly have unnecessary conversations that go on for pages and pages. I can’t remember the last time I was so frustrated reading a comic. The following is an excerpt from a conversation between Wildcat, Power Girl, and Hawkman in this issue:

Wildcat: You gotta encourage her?

Power Girl: Aren’t cats supposed to be curious?

Wildcat: What’s that supposed to mean?

Power Girl: Got anything better to do?

Wildcat: Good point. Beats Gin Rummy.

Hawkman: Are you two quite finished?

Power Girl: Carry on.

What in the holy hairy hog balls was that!?! Ignore the fact that members of the JSA were used in this book for no apparent reason. That useless conversation took up a whole page of this book. Sure it illustrated that Wildcat and Power Girl don’t really get along and Hawkman lays down the law like no one’s business. That would be interesting if this were a JSA book or any other issue than the finale issue of a series that is trying to wrap up a story. I found myself getting more and more pissed off as I held this book in my hands and the pile of pages in my right hand grew smaller. As this book neared the end, there was no indication that the plot threads were coming together. In fact the threads were coming loose and revealing that what little plot there was in this book was glazed over with useless banter and humor that is only funny half the time.

SPOILER WARNING, ALL WHINING WUSSIES VAMOOSE!!

*

*

*

Fans of Sgt. Frank Rock and Bulldozer will be especially pissed off with this issue. It is revealed that it was never Frank Rock and Bulldozer running the team. They were impostors. This would be an interesting twist, had Giffen chosen to tell us who it was behind the latex masks, but he never does. Since there are no plans for a SUICIDE SQUAD comic in the future, it leaves me especially frustrated that Giffen would so callously throw out that lame revelation and leave everything up in the air for future writers to try to sort out.

*

*

*

END SPOILER, COME BACK WUSS FACES!!!

The ending comes together too quickly and clumsily for my tastes. The measly payoff in the end left me scratching my head and slamming the book down in frustration. Some might think that Giffen had too much story to tell and crammed everything together to wrap things up by issue twelve, but I don’t think this is true. Were that the case, why did he waste so many pages at the beginning of this issue with pointless banter?

The last page of this book is a dedication to Bob Kanigher, who wrote the adventures of Sgt. Rock and Easy Company and recently passed away. It would have been a nice dedication had Sgt. Rock and Bulldozer not been so callously misused, mistreated, and misrepresented in this final issue (see SPOILER).

Since I feel the need to say something nice, there is a good scene and line by Deadshot in the last few pages of the book. But Deadshot is such a cool character that a dyslexic chimp with no arms could probably write a Deadshot story and have a winner.

Paco Medina’s art is good and I am interested in seeing where he will go from here. His JSA is pretty good and I could see him moving on to a SUPERMAN title or something like that. But I’m so cheesed off about the story that praising the art is not in my agenda.

Giffen and DeMatteis are teaming up again in the near future with FORMERLY KNOWN AS JUSTICE LEAGUE, a series which revisits the early issues of JUSTICE LEAGUE INTRNATIONAL. I’m looking forward to this series and hoping that their pairing will compliment each others strengths and weaknesses again. Giffen sure needed help with SUICIDE SQUAD. Right out of the starting gate, this book had many strikes against it. Giffen had a chance to prove everyone wrong and I was rooting for him to do so. But it wasn’t meant to be. I feel cold. I feel used. I need some “me” time, Keith. I’m going to curl up into a fetal position with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream and cry a little. I’m going to try to remember those good old days we had together and forget this recent incarnation of SUICIDE SQUAD.

MARC HEMPEL’S NAKED BRAIN #1 (of 3)

Marc Hempel

Insight Studios Group

reviewed by: Lizzybeth

Is it just me, or are there too many of these artists’ sketchbook projects these days? Lately, comic creators such as David Mack and Terry Moore have been pulling together some of their miscellaneous works into an ongoing title of “extras” outside of their regular comics projects. This is all well and good for the insane completist fan, but to me it seems a bit excessive. One collection, maybe, but an entire series of miscellany? As much as I may enjoy a person’s art, I would much rather see a work brought to completion than a series of rough concepts. I’d trade one new issue of, say, Kabuki, for the entire run of Mack’s Kabuki Images (and many other comics besides, but that’s neither here nor there). These additional collections don’t tide me over until the regular works are completed, but only make me more impatient for a fully realized project.

On to Marc Hempel. Here is one of the most unique and enjoyable comic artists around, best known for his superlative work on “The Kindly Ones” (by far my favorite artist of the many who worked on THE SANDMAN) and his own TUG AND BUSTER series from a few years ago. This first of a 3-issue series collects a number of humorous strips and images, just the right amount of rough sketches, and a few TUG AND BUSTER shorts including the very first T&B strip. It’s very well assembled, without the slapdash quality that other such collections sometimes have. While the cover makes claims like “uncensored”, “subversive”, and “not decent”, the actual contents can best be described as “deeply silly”. The “sublime silliness” meshes surprisingly well with Hempel’s usual abstract style, with lines so heavy you can picture him leaning into every page. Still, despite being often quite funny and every bit as artistically interesting as his other works, the re-readability factor is fairly low. Aside from the back cover cartoon, which may have to be hung on my wall, the most this collection can do is make me long for a proper project from Mr. Hempel. In the end, while I do recommend an issue of NAKED BRAIN (and probably just one will suffice) for fans of his work, I don’t think that this would be a proper introduction for anyone else.

JLA #69

Writer: Joe Kelly

Pencils: Yvel Guichet

Inks: Mark Probst

Reviewed by: superninja

The story opens with a series of disasters erupting globally as everyone wonders, "Where are the JLA?"

The JLA are dead. At least, that's what Batman says.

At the end of last issue, Titan (formerly Aqualad and the heir to Atlantis) and a group of mystics including Zatanna (YES, she's wearing the top hat and the fishnets) have sent the JLA through a portal 3,000 years into the past to find Aquaman and Atlantis. (Note: The missing Atlantis has been a dangling thread left in the wake of the messy “Our Worlds At War” DC crossover event.) Batman activated a failsafe at the last minute sending probes with a prerecorded message to gather a group of heroes he has chosen to replace the JLA.

It's been known for some time that writer Joe Kelly was going to replace the lineup he began with when he took over JLA from Mark Waid. In this issue, he's assembling the makings of a new team as well as introducing a new character of his own creation named Faith.

Bored already? "Bah," you say, "More time traveling nonsense!"; "WTF?! Another new character!"; "Yeah, right, the JLA are dead…ZZZZZZZ…Wake me when it's over."

Don't worry, you're in good hands. As convoluted as it all sounds, Kelly makes the most of it by assembling an interesting new lineup, and leaves some laughs along the way. It's a pretty chaotic issue, but Kelly manages to make it work. The ending, which I won't spoil, was a sort of a geeky moment of triumph for me that left a grin plastered on my face for the rest of the day.

Kelly's take on the Big Seven in a monthly title is easily my favorite. They feel more like a team than a group of heroes thrown together to save the world. Unlike Waid or Morrison, Kelly writes the characters with warmth and familiarity. There's an almost over-the-top sense of adventure to it that reminds me of old JLA issues from the Silver Age.

That familiarity flies out the window with this new team. ‘Dysfunctional’ is probably the best description. You've got an ultra-liberal, an alcoholic, a reformed supervillain, and a guy sharing time with a demon. There isn't much revealed about the new character, Faith, in this issue, but we see enough to know that there will be problems ahead for her.

The artist, Yvel Guichet, will be alternating with Doug Mahnke who was handling the previous art chores. Guichet isn’t as adept as Mahnke when handling action pieces, and his characters are a little uneven, but their styles are similar. Likewise, the inkers are going to be alternating. Previously, it was Tom Nguyen, and Guichet will be working with Mark Propst.

Oh. And I forgot to mention that this issue is part one of “The Obsidian Age: The Hunt for Aquaman”. In the letters column, there's a blurb that reads, "Before the Silver Age. Before the Golden Age. Welcome to the Obsidian Age." Groan at will.

This issue was a fun read. I hate to see the Big Seven go, but I'll stick around because Kelly's one writer that still knows how to make me feel like a kid again.

AVENGERS ICONS: THE VISION #1

Written by Geoff Johns

Art by Ivan Reis

Published by Marvel Comics

A Jon Quixote Review

I lost my virginity when I was 15 years old. That’s what I tell people when they ask. Actually, sometimes I don’t even wait for them to ask. But when I tell the tale of my youthful deflowering, I usually leave out a few details. Like the fact that it wasn’t really intercourse, but a handjob. Or that I gave it to myself. Just chalk those omitted details up to the storyteller’s best friend, revisionist history.

Revisionist history is great, especially if you have an anecdote in need of some punching up, or an embarrassing personal moment you want to hide. Like the time I puked on that bridesmaid. It was pretty humiliating, and the last thing I’d want to tell people about. But through the magic of revisionist history, I simply tell people about the time that Cormorant puked on a bridesmaid, and suddenly I have a wacky tale that everybody can enjoy.

Once, however, I installed a remote control in a roommate’s light switch, and I could turn it on and off from anywhere in the house, including my room. I pretended to be asleep when my roommate came home from work, but with the remote under my pillow I clicked his light on and off all night. I laughed myself into a slumber listening to him storm through the house trying to figure out what was going on. In the morning, I discovered he had angrily torn the entire light switch from the wall. It’s a good story, and one that needs no improvement, so I wouldn’t even think of revising it. Some things are perfect the way they are, and any change would be for the worse.

Remember that scene in MARVELS, where the original Human Torch lights up for the first time, and all the reporters are amazed and horrified? Kurt Busiek writes that scene in such a manner that the reader is transported to that time, and Alex Ross’s artwork is so vivid, so powerfully real, that the emotions felt by the crowd in that story are also felt by the person holding that issue of MARVELS in their hands. It’s a beautiful scene, a powerful, amazing scene. I would even argue that it is a seminal moment in comic history.

So I was pretty amazed that a comic writer as bright and talented as Geoff Johns would even think of revising that scene, let alone use it as the introduction for his new VISION mini-series. And I hope this series becomes a landmark comic book event, because that’s the only way I could justify him dragging the brush of revisionist history over that moment.

He might do it. Johns understands superheroes and comic books better than any writer working today, with the possible exception of Busiek. The best thing about Johns is that he seems to possess a deep understanding of every character I’ve ever seen him write. And it would appear that the Vision is no different. Mishandled for years and saddled with more continuity fuck-ups than a Kato Kaelin testimony, Johns has returned the Vision to his roots: a ghost-like android with the mind of a dead man. And that’s wonderful to see.

So Johns writes a great Vision, but he stacks the deck against himself by opening – and tweaking – a landmark comic book moment. Plus, the Vision’s fucked-up continuity was only recently sorted out, and it seems dangerous to start messing with it again. Now, Johns has to take his uncanny understanding of the character and use it to tell a helluva story in order for me to recommend this mini-series. And based on the first issue…

Well, that’s just it. I would love to recommend this mini. The characterization is great. The art is gorgeous, and with the ever-improving use of computer coloring techniques, the Vision is looking better than ever. But there needs to be a great story, and as of issue #1, there isn’t any story. Yet.

There are good elements to this issue, and there are bad. But overall, the effect is simply one of “too early to tell.” Not much happens; there’s a lot of set up, and while it’s interesting set up, there’s not much to recommend. Then again, there’s not much to criticize or complain about either. Since I bought the first issue already, and the trade will cost me more than picking up the next three, I’ll probably keep buying the rest of the series. But, honestly, as much as I like Johns, if I didn’t buy this first issue before reading this review, I’d probably wait to hear how the series turned out, and if the buzz got better, I’d pick up the trade. Based on the opening sequence, I can hazard a guess that Johns is swinging for the fences on this one, and it’ll be interesting to see if he knocks it out of the park, or wiffs. Unfortunately he’s still in the warm up circle by the time this issue ends, so we’ll have to wait and see.

And email me if you want to hear about the time Cormorant puked on a bridesmaid. It’s a good story.

MUTANT TEXAS: TALES OF SHERIFF IDA RED # 1-2

written by Paul Dini

art by J. Bone

published by Oni Press

reviewed by Buzz Maverik

The assistants and development execs nervously gathered in the meeting room at Roquefort Pictures in Hollywood, CA. Their boss, producer Acch Seempson, stormed in, flicking coke from his nostrils with one hand and dragging a Heidi-girl with the other. He dropped into his chair, slamming the hooker onto his lap. What will he throw at us today? his staff wondered in silence. His coffee? His pipe? The Heidi-girl?

"Potential new properties! And don't waste my fucking time!" Seempson said.

Oh perish forbid! D-girl Dani Devereaux said, "Acch, there's a new comic book by Paul Dini and an artist named J. Bone. It's called MUTANT TEXAS, TALES OF SHERIFF IDA RED and based on the two issues out--"

"Dini! Dini! Where do I know that name from?"

Acch's assistant Ben Dover said, "He did those BATMAN and SUPERMAN cartoons for the Dubya-Bee a few years back."

"Get me everyone of those cartoons! Now! Now! Now! Where the hell do you think you're going? Siddown!"

Sitting down, Ben said, "He also writes these great oversized comics featuring DC icons like Superman and Wonder Woman and Captain Marvel. The ones painted by Alex Ross."

"Ross? Ross? Where do I know that name from?"

"Somebody introduced you to him at the Oscars," Ben said, "but you wouldn't talk to him because you didn't know who he was."

Dani thought it best to continue. "Dini also created a character called Jingle Belle which got a great write up on Harry Knowles’ Ain't-It-Cool-News site last year. In fact, Knowles himself is featured in a cameo in issue one of MUTANT TEXAS. He's a patron at a freak-show in Austin. He points out that a talking armadillo looks fake.

"Acch, this is a science fiction, superhero, comedy, western, kid's movie with a Clint Eastwood style cactus-man, a woman with hair so big that it's a mushroom cloud, and a red haired heroine. Alicia Witt would be perfect for the part."

"Not her! Wouldn't sleep with me!"

"Laura Prepon?"

"She wouldn't sleep with me either! The bitch!"

"Uh, Gillian Anderson?"

"Are you purposely listing actresses who refused to sleep with me?"

"Anyway, Mutant Texas is a town where atomic, cosmic and mystic energies merged in a terrible accident and turned everyone into mutants. Ida Red was a baby at the time. Her parents died and she was raised by a shamanistic bear-woman. Ida discovers she can fly and fire energy bolts when her friend, a talking armadillo, is about to be run down by a car driven by coyotes. There's a terrible conspiracy going on and Ida is going to get to the bottom of it."

"The talking armadillo reminds me of both Walt Kelly's POGO and Jeff Smith's BONE," Ben said. "That's sort of J. Bone's style, which is cool. He did the art to a short in ONI PRESS Color SPECIAL 2002--"

"Ben! Shut up and get me Dini and Bone on the line. We're buying this! And throw something at everybody!"

Nice work, boys. Don’t you have another column ready for today, too?

"Moriarty" out.