Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
I haven’t read any of Miller’s DK sequel yet, and the reviews from the Talkback League depress me deeply.
On the other hand, they plug the brilliant and beautiful LIBERTY MEADOWS today, and that delights me to no end. Frank Cho is a monumentally talented guy, and it flat out sucks that he stopped publishing the daily strip. Still... as long as he’s got a format, he’ll get reviews like the one below. Let’s get to it, eh?
Hello to the AICN readers from perpetual Talkback addict Lizzybeth.
It’s been a long, hot summer at the Talkback Legion of @$$holes, and I’m suffering from end-of-summer letdown. We’re in the filler portion of the season, not quite fall, but with only the sticky mediocrity of August left before the hot season drags to a close. I met with my fellow @$$holes this week hoping for some excitement to get me out of the summer blahs, some new obsession to distract me from the stale reruns and hot air… (And that’s just Frank Miller! I know, I know, too easy.) So I headed over to @$$hole HQ, where the truly geeky go to party. Of course, I’m always the last one in, driving my super-vehicle of choice, The Dent. All the other super-readers get their ultra-powered sound-wired plush seated Audis, but I’m in my Hella-indie ’78 Chevy pile of rust with no air conditioner, and ready to melt right into the genuine fake leather interior. I managed to drag myself to geek central, passing security with my Talkbackers Who Made Good (Sorta) badge, but unfortunately, the other @$$holes were in no better shape than I was. I found the guys lying around in half-melted state, beers and untouched piles of comics decorating the room. Yes, tedium-induced coma had set in.
“What the hell is wrong with us?” Vroom Socko demanded as I entered, though he couldn’t quite get up the interest to look away from the giant-screen PlayStation game he had plugged into the TLA Industry Database. “We’ve got a column to do. Our 12 devoted readers depend on us for their comics fix.”
Buzz Maverick, working on his perpetually-bronzed tan on the other side of the room in a visor and a distressingly half-clothed state, gestured dismissively while the rest of us steadily averted our eyes. “It’s August. Every comic on Earth is either on hiatus, cleaning up after the summer event storylines that just ended, or gearing up for the next fall event storylines. Nothing’s happening.”
The other @$$holes concurred. All hope was lost. Just when I was ready to sink into a hammock and suck down girly fruit cocktails with Ambush Bug while SleazyG worked on downloading the new Spoon album, the door blows open and in marches THE COMEDIAN, fresh from his Hired-Thug World Tour 2002. He took one look at the new League of Laziness and dropped a huge pile of brand-new comics, fresh from his infiltration mission at the Diamond warehouse.
“And you call yourselves @$$holes!” The Comedian roared, “There are new series to read! Hidden milestones to uncover! And none of you have even touched DK2!”
We all exchanged glances. Cormorant actually looked up from his computer terminal, that AICN vomit-orange color permanently staining his eyeballs. “It’s the slow season for comics. The writers and artists are hitting the convention circuit, which leaves us with delays or the dreaded “guest artist” appearances. Maybe we should be infiltrating what’s left of the summer blockbusters, or crashing the set of a shoddy reality program.”
Comedian glared at his former compatriots. “What’ll it be then? Master of Disguise? Men in Black II? Or would you rather see Mike Myers shit on the Austin Powers riff some more? How about some “Meet the Marks”, “30 Seconds to Fame”, and other fine new FOX summer programming?” As we hung our heads in shame, he continued on. “I don’t care how lazy you freaks are, there’s no excuse for settling with corporate dreck. There’s more creativity in comics this week than television can dig up for the entire summer, so get out there and find the good stuff!” Sense had been restored. @$$holes scrambled in all directions. “And you!” The Comedian points to me before exiting with a box of comics balanced neatly on one impossibly muscled shoulder. “Geek Girl! Write us an introduction, and none of that trying-too-hard storytelling BS!”
And so, the @$$holes have come together to bring you the week in comics, and we’re glad to have the long-MIA Comedian back in the fold with two new reviews. There’s a lot to read out there, and now is a good time to pick up a new title or a new collection. (May I suggest: Grant Morrison’s “ANIMAL MAN: ORIGIN OF THE SPECIES,” is a fine summer read if you’re looking for a taste of his pre-Xmen, pre-Invisibles paradigm rattling) But now, down to business. Here they are: the few, the proud, the @$$holes.
And, proving that nothing says quality like a summer sequel, we’re starting off with not one, not two, not three, but two-and-a-half reviews of DK2!!
The Dark Knight Strikes Again #3
Writer/Artist: Frank Miller
Publisher: DC Comics
Reviewer: Ambush Bug
Price Tag: $7.95
I was sitting in my apartment, minding my own business, trying to figure out a quicker way to eat cheese, when Vroom Socko burst through the door, screaming and carrying on like a madman. I followed him to the bathroom, where I found him in the shower, still fully clothed, lying in a fetal position, and muttering "Unclean, unclean." over and over.
Not wanting to leave him alone in the apartment in the off chance that he would once again try to molest my cat, Mr. Fluffy Britches, I left him there to soak and started flipping through this week’s selection of comics. When I pulled out DK2 #3 from the bottom of my pile, Vroom sprang to life and started screaming again.
"Put it away! It's the devil's work! Mraaahh-blabble-brabble-fizz-spit-fizzzzz!"
Sensing a total breakdown, I did what anyone would do and shot him with the tranquilizer gun I keep behind the couch just in case my dates go horribly, horribly wrong. Since it was Vroom Socko and no mere mortal, the elephant tranq dart didn't put him under. It did, however, make him more lucid.
"Frank Miller's lost it. He's thrown away any shred of talent he once had. This story has nothing in it that is original or even entertaining. He's turned Batman into a Warren Ellis wannabe badass, and he's turned everyone else into Batman. He's ripped off plot points from other stories, like RETURN OF THE JOKER and his own MARTHA WASHINGTON books. His art has become not only flat and lifeless, but butt ass ugly. He's become unclean. Unclean!" And with that, he slipped off into catatonia.
After placing Vroom’s hand in ice water and drawing a picture of “The Last Supper” on his forehead in permanent marker, curiosity got the better of me and I decided to go ahead and read the final installment of DK2.
Where to begin… I understand Vroom’s urge to bathe after reading this hook-handed cavity search of book. When will people learn? You just can’t go home again. No one seems to understand that saying. But it’s true. Frank Miller was on a roll in the eighties with BATMAN:YEAR ONE and THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS. He created the blueprint for what would be the new take on Batman by adding film noir undertones and grim and gritty characters to the Gotham mythos. Through the years, Miller has become one of the most well respected creators in comicdom, right under Alan Moore. His work had become sacred text that set the foundations of a character and his world. Miller’s Batman tales thrilled me in the eighties, and when I re-read them a few years ago, they still had legs. He defined the character in YEAR ONE and finished his story in THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS. He did it. He told a complete tale. Why…in the hell…did he come back?
I’ve read a few interviews with Frank Miller in the past where he has stated his dislike for Batman and the superhero genre in general. Like many creators, he was satisfied with his past work on the title that made him famous, but didn’t think he wanted to re-visit old territory. Then word came from up on high that Miller had signed to visit the Dark Knight’s world again. If Miller wanted to buy a new car or a pool or a new liver or something and did the series for the extra cash, then I can almost understand where he was coming from with this series. Of course, I’m the type of writer-slash-whore who would re-write his ailing grandmother’s diary for a ten spot and a sixer of Schlitz. But I think there were more devious machinations at work here.
As I re-read the first two issues of this series in preparation for this review, it left a bad taste in my mouth. There really isn’t a likable character in the entire series. Batman is completely inaccessible and is almost the villain of the series. Superman is played as a spineless fop. Wonder Woman’s a cold hearted whore. Martian Manhunter’s an emotional mess. I’m not even going mention what Miller did to Robin in issue three. Hell, even Plastic Man and Elongated Man (two characters who are usually played for laughs and often bring a little levity to heavier material) are sour, hateful characters. These characters may look like older versions of classic DC heroes, but in actuality, they are blatant representations of Miller’s contempt for the superhero genre. Miller took DC’s characters and with little respect or tact, twisted them to fit into a dirty and forgettable tale that ultimately snubs its nose at the genre and its fans.
I would almost forgive Miller’s disdain for the superhero genre if the story was good. I’ve enjoyed plenty of books that criticize this subject because the writer came up with a clever way to convey what he or she was saying. Unfortunately, this is not the Miller who keenly crafted a tale depicting the first year Batman donned the cape and cowl. This isn’t the guy who wrote one of the single best battles of the titans in the final issue of DARK KNIGHT RETURNS. This Miller got his money and shat out a steamer.
Am I being unfair? Am I looking at this book through the bitter shades of nostalgia, loving the tales of old and hating this new-fangled comic with its floppy hair, wild clothes, and bug music? I don’t think so. This is just sloppy story telling. For example, Miller hypes up his entire second issue with an over the top love scene between Superman and Wonder Woman then throws her into three panels in the beginning of the last issue and never mentions her again. Is she dead? Supes and Kid Soupy fly off pondering their new role in society in the end, but Wonder Mom is nowhere to be found. It is half-assed moments like this one that make me question Miller’s ability to tell a solid story anymore.
There is way too much going on in the third and final issue of this series. It would have been a much better read had Miller decided to add another issue and took his time to finish the story properly. Instead, Miller gives us a finale that is clumsily paced with false climaxes and sudden resolutions. The action comes to the head in the middle of the book with the heroes vs. Lex and Brainiac and then Miller crams in the final section centering on Carrie and the new Joker. It’s all uneven. It’s all over the top. Most of it is lame. Batman is reduced to being an imitation of Dr. Evil when it is revealed that his secret lair is built over a frikkin’ volcano. What, no bats with lasers on their heads?
Miller’s art is similarly distasteful. Character’s faces are filled with wrinkles and shades. Their bodies are contorted into uncomfortable positions. I know these guys are supposed to be older, more battle-weary versions of current characters, but everyone is a raisin with scoliosis in this book. Lex Luthor, for some reason, is an ugly, Kingpin-like, slob who wears yellow gloves and not much else. Brainiac is a giant, legless, floating frog head. And how can you make Wonder Woman ugly, Miller? I mean, really. The DK2 Wonder Woman looks like she’s been rode hard and put away wet and, since that is exactly what happened to her in issue two, I guess it is fitting, but she’s supposed to be one of the most beautiful women in comics. Draw her that way. The worst character design in the series is Batman himself. By the end of the tale, he looks more like the Batman from the old black and white serials with the floppy ears and the thin neck than the massive Dark Knight we’ve seen in Miller’s past tales. Everything is murky and dingy. Even the bright colors seem to have a pissy tint to it. It’s just an ugly, ugly book.
So is that what Miller is saying about these characters and the story he puts them through? Does he think that these once bright characters have been sucked dry of any life and need to be put out to pasture? Is his tainted view of the world in this comic a reflection of the industry of today? These are almost interesting questions that could have been answered in this issue. But they really aren’t. Miller’s DARK KNIGHT RETURNS series turned comics on its ear and gave a shot in the arm to an ailing industry. It recognized problems with comics and brought them into a new age by revitalizing a comics mainstay. Will DK2 revise people’s take on the superhero genre like DKR did before it? No. If anything, this book is the anti-DARK KNIGHT RETURNS. Anyone reading it will see comics as an ugly, fatalistic vision of morality clumsily put together with sloppy art and lazy writing. Hmmm…now that I think of it, some of today’s comics DO fit that bill. But where DK2 may recognize flaws in today’s comics, the book fails to offer anything to help revitalize the industry.
I understand that there is a lot of pressure for creators to return to their roots. Sequels of highly successful products are always in high demand, but they’re never as good. If the story is too much like the original, it’s repetitious. If the story veers off into new territory, one takes the chance of losing the fans of the original. It’s a no-win situation. The few times it has worked can be counted on the hand of a clumsy woodshop teacher. Miller may have realized this going into the project and said fuck it. I would almost appreciate that type of attitude if not for the fact that DC has my $24.00 and I have squat to show for it.
Alan Moore & Dave Gibbons take note. Never return to the world of the WATCHMEN. You’re sure to lose. You could create a sparkling gem of a story, but it will never size up to the quality and mythic stature of the original. If Miller would have actually tried to tell a decent story here, this book would have been almost forgivable. But he didn’t. So it’s not. Now I have to throw Vroom into the dumpster behind my building. He’s starting to smell funny. Well, funnier than he usually does.
The Dark Knight Strikes Again #3
Written and Chicken Scratched by Frank Miller
Puked on by Mrs. Frank Miller
Autopsy by The Comedian
There are many things that are certain in this lifetime. Laws and rules if you will, that stand the test of time. The odd numbered Star Trek movies always suck. People who like plain chocolate M&M’s more than peanut M&M’s are aliens, spies or masochists. “Liquor & Beer, never Queer. Beer & Liquor, never quicker.” We as members of Western society know these said and sometimes unsaid rules and laws will always hold up.
So I submit to you a new one or one we’ve all know but have left unsaid for all this time; The Law Of Sequels. I say any sequel done 10 years – 15 years or more after it’s original will always stink like stale urine in an NYC subway in the middle of August. And like that patented stench it may remind you of times gone by with it’s familiarity but none the less it will prove time and again to be an unpleasant experience.
Most of the time this has exclusively applied to movies (The Two Jakes, Texasville, An American Werewolf in Paris, The godawful “make it stop before I’m forced to poke out my eyes with a cork screw” Blues Brothers 2000 & Escape from L.A.) with few exceptions. Now I see that this law is infact omnipotent because it has stretched to the realm of comic books with the noble failure but over all misfire that was DK2.
I’m not here to write a requiem to Frank Miller’s integrity and career because I think he’ll bounce back from this quite easily. Has he joined the ranks of tired cynical tired old hacks who can’t cut it anymore? I really don’t think so. I really just see DK 2 as a noble failure, 1 issue and another draft of the story away from being worthy of it’s original.
There were plenty of reasons to hate this book. The chicken scratch, The Mrs.’ “MS Paint is the new Heroin” coloring. The mischaracterization of the two leads being the blaring eyesore of the book. Batman was the most under developed character of the whole book, Unrecognizable. The Dark Knight Returns ended with Bruce faking his own death and seemingly giving up being Batman to start a new beginning. And there he is in the first issue decked out in the Bat-duds doing a half assed cheap reprise of the ass kicking he gave Kent at the end of the first series. None of the gaps between this series and the original were ever filled. And the biggest gap of all was “who the hell is this guy now?”
Superman on the other hand was the same psychologically beaten loser from the first series but what he ends up doing at the end of this story (giving into his arrogant, annoying half-Amazon piece of ass daughter and taking over Earth) makes little sense and just doesn’t sit well. It just seems like Miller didn’t know how to end this story so he just tacked on this rushed ending. I’m not even going to get into the cheap “surprise villain” bit at the end in the Batcave. Overall the book was a rushed mess with no pacing.
In the original, each issue had a feel of it’s own, building up to something. This just felt like some stream of consciousness scatterbrained rant. So with all these ugly gashes what if anything makes this book redeemable. I loved the characterizations of most of the other characters save for The Worlds Finest & Superbrat. Miller’s characterizations of the Silver age heroes were exceptional. Little moments like Plastic Man telling Elongated Man what a loser he was, Captain Marvel’s bit before he died “What happen’s to a dream?..” and Green Lantern really give you the impression that somewhere underneath all this crap Frank Miller, the one we know and remember is still there. That goes double for the satire of The Bush Administration, and their “War on Terror”. That two page shot of Supeman & his daughter flying out of the smoking crater that is downtown Metropolis was obviously supposed to remind us of you-know-what. And speaking as someone who was THERE I didn’t find it cheap or offensive at all.
This kind of political and pop culture satire was the only element of this book that tied it to the original. Do I think the real Bush Administration actually orchestrated 911 as a smoke screen to do some oil hunting for daddy’s buddies? Nope, but I do see them for the corporate cocksucking creeps they really are and I’m glad Frank Miller had the balls satirize them that way with Luthor & Braniac subbing for The Energy lobby. And that alone made me not give much of a shit about whether or not Batman could still kick Superman’s ass or how asinine it was to even write in that stupid subplot with Dick Grayson. Maybe old Frank should ditch Superheroes, and sleazy pulp crime fiction altogether and become a political satirist.
He’d kick Tom Tomorrow’s ass.
DK2 #3
Frank Miller did it.
Aided and abetted by D.C.
A Jon Quixote review
I didn’t buy it. Are you drunk? Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times? There’s not enough Molson in the world.
Well, Frank, we’ve had some good times. Year One. Born Again. DD #181. But now you’re just wasting perfectly good ink, ink that could be used by someone who isn’t a thief, a whore, and a nihilistic egomaniac. You used to be young Elvis: hip, sexy, and changing the world. Now you’re fat, bloated, and dead on a toilet.
How much did you sell your legacy for again? I hope it was worth it.
REX MUNDI # 0
Written by Arvid Nelson
Art by Eric Johnson & Jeremy Cox
Published by Image
Reviewed by Buzz Maverik
You are reading something that purports to be a review of a comic book. Chances are, you are young enough to not know that a comic book review is an incredibly strange thing. No one used to review comics and no one would have thought of reading reviews if they had been written. You'd pick up a comic from the rack at the Spee-Dee-Rob, look at the cover and say, "Cool! Hammerhead has kidnapped Aunt May and Spidey has to team up with Doc Ock to rescue her!" or "Bitchin'! Cap and the Falcon smash the Red Skull's organization, but the Skull himself gets away." Yeah, I was a Marvel Zombie as a kid.
Since we've started our little @$$hole activities here, I've started reading comic book reviews for the first time in my life. I like the things my fellow @$$holes and GreyHaven write, and, among other places, I check out reviews at an excellent site called The 4th Rail. I think the site is excellent because I usually agree with the reviewers there, at least in regard to the quality of the comics. The funny thing is, although I usually have the same feelings as their reviewers, I always find the books to be good or bad for vastly different reasons than they do.
I picked up REX MUNDI # 0 because I'd seen a preview of its' gorgeous artwork (Cormorant and I seem to be the only @$$holes who will buy a book strictly on the basis of the art). The book intended to review this week hadn't shipped, so I was looking for something interesting. It was the blurb on the back cover by Randy Lander at the 4th Rail that sold me.
REX MUNDI is an exceptionally interesting comic. Set in an alternate version of 1933 Paris, it concerns sorcery, religion and an Inquisition by the Church (yeah, that Church) which never ended. It's a mystery comic. It's a horror comic. It's very smart and very beautiful.
Our hero is Dr. Julien Sauniere. Handsome, mysterious, resourceful, he appears to be the latest in a lineage of physician detectives along the lines of Dr. Bell who was Conan Doyle's inspiration for Sherlock Holmes. He is asked by a priest, Father Marin (the name is too much like THE EXORCIST's Father Merrin for my taste) to look into the theft of a forbidden manuscript, taken by means of sorcery. The trail leads Dr. Sauniere to the scene of the ritualistic murder of a prostitute named Marie-Christine (the name is too much like THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA's Christine for my taste).
The writing by Arvid Nelson is finely textured and brilliantly researched. The mystery involves the Knights Templar, the Kaballah and the Merovingian monarchs, believed to be descendants of Jesus Christ, in medieval France. REX MUNDI includes a faux-newspaper Le Journal de la Liberte all about the goings on of the Inquisition and the status of magic in the Rex Mundiverse. In addition, there's a short back up feature about young Brother Matthew, an agent of the Inquisition, who finds himself forced to deal with the Sorcerers' Guild and his menacing superior Brother Moricaud.
As I've said, REX MUNDI # 0 is a book you could buy for the art alone. Eric Johnson is an amazing talent. He captures magnificent Parisian scenes, faces sagging with worry, and finally, brutal horror. Johnson is a very cinematic artist. His panels are like camera movements in some film noir/horror hybrid.
Fans of RUSE, looking for something heavier and darker, don't need to look any further than REX MUNDI. Fans of FROM HELL and THE SANDMAN should be pleased as well.
X-Statix #1
Written by Peter Milligan
Drawn by Mike Allred
Reviewed by The Comedian
"Why do all the pretty mutant red heads die in space?" That line was the intro for a review I was attempting but never finished of X-Force #128. I was going to write this long winded requiem for Edie Sawyer, easily one of the most three-dimensional, flawed and thus all the more likable characters (male or female) to hit comics in the last 20 years. She was the signature character of the book, the star. I was going to write this long heavy-handed review explaining how I thought Milligan and Allred built her up, made her so likable and killed her off purposely to tie fans of the book into the crazy loop and make them feel just like the idiot X-Force fans in the comic. One death to actually hit the readers where it hurt after so many pointless deaths of characters we barely got to know and weren’t meant to sympathize with anyway. Killing Edie was their way of keeping it fresh and yet again pissing in the mouth of tired conventions. It was the perfect way to wrap up their first year on the book and really hit fans over the head with their theme; “Death as the ultimate price of fame”. Sure Ellis did the same thing when he killed Jenny Sparks but that had more to do with all that Y2K lame millennial crap from three years ago. But then I realized how silly it would be to write an honest heart felt requiem to a girl who never really existed. And THANK GOD I didn’t write that review because it would have given Peter Milligan more fuel to create characters like Arnie.
X-Statix #1 begins with the introduction of Arnie, a mutant with a face that’s half smashed-in who may or may not have the power to project his thought and daydreams into the minds of others. Arnie is supposed to represent fans of the book and comic fans in general. He talks about how at first he hated the new X-Force and then became a fan until they killed off his favorite member. He listens to a tape with a special message for him sent by Edie Sawyer herself (though it was probably sent by her marketing dept.) after he got the shit kicked out of him by a gang of bullies. After the brief intro to Arnie we go back to the team now newly named X-Statix in the middle of a fight with terrorist in some far off country. It’s business as usual. Guy Smith is still winging it and bottling in his insecurities about whether or not he can cut the mustard as leader since Edie’s death. The Anarchist is the same likable show boating media whore he’s always been. Phat is "straight" again and Dead Girl (I like to call her Francine Einstein because she is soooo female Madman) is pissed because Spike (their Max Lord surrogate) thinks the team needs another female now that Edie’s dead. Someone with a little more “mainstream appeal”. The team goes to one of their training farms to look for a few new recruits. We are then introduced to Venus Dee Milo, a beautiful energy based mutant who can teleport, fire energy and heal people. Of course Guy hates her because he can sense that every one is trying to push her on him to replace Edie as a team member and as his girlfriend. If this all weren’t enough the team also has to worry about their “flavor of the month” competition O-Force. A new superteam of Mutants selected on a TV show by the audience ala Making the Band, Pop Stars, American Idol etc. The issue ends with Venus confronting Guy about his feelings and revealing that she’s just as fucked up as he is. Of course he let’s her join after that. Oh yeah, and there’s this cheese-ball Blair Witch back up story added on at the end where Doop may or may not have killed a possible recruit. It’s not worth really talking about. I guess they’re trying to say that it’s Doop who has “Code X”. They’ve been hinting at something funny going on with that creepy little fucker since the beginning and I say let them get it over with. I hate that little bastard.
Overall it was a satisfactory issue. My only fears are that they’re running out of gas by burning out their own conventions. The pop culture satire is great and these guys do it better than anyone. Millar is trying so fucking hard to do in “The Ultimates” what these guys do so effortlessly. What’s not so great is all the angst. I find it funny that there were so many people writing in on the letter page issue after issue complaining that they missed the angst of the Sam Guthrie & Co. and hated these “mediawhores”. This book’s got plenty of angst to go around. I like the idea that they’re setting up that Venus is actually better for Guy than Edie was since they’re both freaks trapped in protective suits with tons of baggage. I just hope Milligan doesn’t beat a dead horse(pun intended) and kill her off too. They should expand more with this book as opposed to falling back on the same old tricks. I for example, would love to see the second year story arc center around what would happen if this team becomes has-beens in the eyes of their fans and actually tries hacking it as an honest to goodness super team (still keeping the same spirit and pop culture satire). I’d love to see guest appearances by other marvel characters within the world of X-Force. A lot of short sighted simpletons compare this book to The Authority but I liken it more to 80’s Justice League and that book had a lot of great moments where other DC characters would guest star and Giffen & Dematteis played around with them in that context. Other X-Characters guest staring in this book would be a funny touch since they probably think of The X-Statix as a bunch of posers anyway. (Kinda like the storyline where Aquaman shows up to save the day after Booster & Beetle use the JLI name to open up a Club Med-like resort on a cursed island. “Hawkman was right about you guys.”) Either way, this book is still light years ahead of crap like The Max line and most of the Ultimate line. It’s a real mature readers book because it’s a book with mature ideas as opposed to an excuse to have characters cursing, killing and ass fucking everything that walks (I’m looking at YOU Richard Corben). Instead of trying to freshen up old favorites by turning them into trendy “oh so hip” unlikable dickheads this book has given us brand new characters that are “real” in a three dimensional way as opposed to cynical caricatures. This book is everything that the now “not-so-new” Marvel SHOULD be. I just hope they don’t trade in tired story conventions and clichés only to play out their own.
DOOP MUST DIE!!! …Sorry Peter & Mike, I just had to throw that in somewhere but seriously… KILL THE LITTLE FUCKER ALREADY!!!
LIBERTY MEADOWS BOOK 1: EDEN
By Frank Cho
Published by Image Comics
A Jon Quixote Infomercial
Hi, I’m Jon Quixote. You might remember me from such comic reviews as “An Idiot’s Guide to Blackmailing Ney Reiber,” and “Straczynski Smells Great!” But today, I’m here with, um, Jon Quixote, who wants to tell you about a little comic that can change your life. Frank Cho’s LIBERTY MEADOWS. Now JQ, this is a new comic?
Well, Jon, it was in the new comic section of my comic store, so that’s good enough for me.
Ahahaha. Okay then. So tell me, what is LIBERTY MEADOWS? I know absolutely nothing about it!
Well, have you ever opened up your local newspaper to the comic page, started to read and the next thing you know, you’re screaming JESUS FUCK CHRIST I ACCIDENTALLY READ “CATHY,” and trying to claw your eyes out?
Actually, I can’t read.
Well, those can are aware of the fact that ever since Bill Watterson faked his own death, the comic page has been a desolate wasteland where the pathetic high-point is usually a PEANUTS repeat. The vast majority of comics today are tired HI & LOIS rip-offs that have less artistic merit than a toddler’s finger paintings, making reading newspaper comics about as much fun as giving Pig Pen a tongue bath. But all that changed when LIBERTY MEADOWS hit the scene.
LIBERTY MEADOWS is the first comic to fill the void left by the departure of CALVIN & HOBBES, a hilarious, original strip that’s as beautiful to look at as it is fun to read. Suddenly, I went back to opening the paper and reading the comics first, instead of giving them a cursory glance when I came across them while looking for the Junior Jumble.
Hey, waitaminute Jon. I just grabbed the newspaper I use for a blanket, and I can’t find this LIBERTY MEADOWS anywhere.
That’s right. Frank Cho has actually discontinued the newspaper strip in favor of comic-book distribution. That means that you can now buy LIBERTY MEADOWS in your comic book store, and not only is it encumbered by the stupid rules forced upon comic strips by their syndicators, but that means you can read it and not worry about accidentally looking at LUANNE and having to blind yourself, Oedipus-style.
Ha Ha Ha. I don’t know what that means. So if LIBERTY MEADOWS isn’t published in newspapers anymore, why did you spend all that time talking about newspapers and the comic page?
Well, LIBERTY MEADOWS BOOK 1: EDEN, is still written in a comic-strip format. The story lines are still presented in four or five panel segments, usually with a punch-line at the end of each one. Plus, we have a short column this week, and I have a lot of space to fill.
I see. So what’s LIBERTY MEADOWS all about?
Basically, LIBERTY MEADOWS chronicles the wacky goings on at Liberty Meadows, a sanctuary for displaced animals. It stars Brandy, the gorgeous and leggy animal psychiatrist you see on the cover, and Frank, who is short, shy, and desperately in love with Brandy. Their lives are spiced up by a motley crew of characters including Dean, a drunken pig with a frat-boy mentality; Leslie, a hypochondriac bullfrog; and Truman, a ducky so cute he makes Elmo look like Charlie Manson.
Well, who doesn’t like cute duckies? They taste great. So you said LIBERTY MEADOWS is funny, but I’m skeptical. I hold my comics to a pretty high standard. So tell me, Jon, would it meet MY insanely high standards? Is it MARMADUKE funny?
Actually, LIBERTY MEADOWS is so funny, it makes MARMADUKE read like a legal brief. Hmm, actually MARMADUKE already reads like a legal brief, so let’s find another analogy. There is more genuine humor in an average four panel MEADOWS strip than has been is in Ron Zimmerman’s entire career, unless, of course, you’re looking at Zimmerman’s career as a whole, which is funny in a ‘eww, who farted?’ sort of way.
The thing that makes this comic so funny is Frank Cho’s versatility. He can deliver wacky WB-cartoon slapstick, like in the story arc where Ralph, a midget circus bear, decides to resume his old career as an ursine cannonball. He can deliver relationship comedy, although the strips with Dean the Frat Pig trying to pick up women were like looking in a mirror. And, best of all, he can deliver some of the smartest pop-culture humor I’ve ever read. But these aren’t tired name-dropping jokes or bullet-time parodies. Rather, LIBERTY MEADOWS is loaded with funny satire and smart references. The list of subtle parodies and homages in this book is endless. Off the top of my head, I can remember throwaway comments winking in the direction of THE GRADUATE, CONAN THE BARBARIAN, Crest Commercials, LORD OF THE FLIES, and a subtle David Lynch reference that turned my nose into a launching pad for a Pepsi ICBM. And that doesn’t even include the straight jokes about STAR TREK, Shakespeare, and even Hall & Oates.
Wow, that Cho sounds like a real Maneater! (pause for laughter) What about the art?
Let’s me put it this way. Frank Cho and Marvel Comics recently announced plans for him to draw an eight-issue SHANNA THE SHE-DEVIL limited series. For those eight weeks, I’ll be saving a lot of money on pornography. Know what I’m saying?
Actually, I have no idea. But I’m asexual. Still, I think you’ve sold me, AND our audience. And for those at home, remember, you can pick up Frank Cho’s LIBERTY MEADOWS BOOK ONE: EDEN at your local comic book store. Thanks for appearing on our show, Jon.
Yeah, yeah, whatever. Where’s my check?
NOBLE CAUSES # 1-4
Written by Jay Faerber
Art by Patrick Gleason
Published by Image
Reviewed by Buzz Maverik
Hostage situations can be plenty boring. Sure, it's kind of fun when you storm in somewhere, fire a shot from the ol' Skorpion into the ceiling and let a group of people know that you're holding them for ransom. And there is the excitement of watching the cops discover that their bullets bounce off your kevlar helmet. But once the authorities realize that you've got a napalm tank and that you've attached a live grenade to each hostage, it's pretty dull just waiting for your money. That's why I always bring along a few comics to read. I picked up NOBLE CAUSES # 1-4 to stave off boredom during a wait.
Imagine a family where Tom Strong is the father, Crystal is the mother, Robot Man is the eldest son, the Flash is the second son and Storm is the nymphomaniac teenaged daughter. Oh, but Dad's more attached to machines than his family; Mom has had an affair long ago that produced an Iceman-like son; Big Brother's wife, who has powers sort of like Starfire of THE TEEN TITANS, is getting it on with his Icemandic half-brother; younger Sis will do anybody in spandex and is pregnant -- younger Bro's Hellboy-like best friend claims paternity; and younger Bro marries a nice, normal human girl – the equivalent of Samantha marrying Derwood on BEWITCHED. There you have the Noble Family, a cross between THE FANTASTIC FOUR and DYNASTY.
But wait! There's more! Race Noble (who even looks like Wally West) is murdered on his honeymoon, in front of his new "norm" bride Liz. Zephyr Noble (who looks nothing like Storm) is hospitalized by an unseen assailant while visiting Race's grave. Family patriarch Doc Noble (who does have a Tom Strongish thing qoing on) disappears after Race's funeral is disrupted by Frost (who looks like Iceman with Lobo's face), the illegitimate son of his wife Gaia (who looks like a Scarlet Witch still fine in her fifties). All this, and the only super-villain in sight is Draconis, father of the devil-headed best friend Krennick. The only thing Draconis is concerned about is that his son should visit more often and he worries about the good influence hanging out with heroes might have on him.
Do I need to tell you that Jay Faerber can write? He's created a series like TOP TEN would be if it were based on soap operas instead of cop shows. With all of this drama going on, he still manages to get in some superhero slugfests, although the best fight is when eldest son Rusty Noble catches his wife Celeste in the shower with Frost.
With each issue, I grew fonder of the work of artists Patrick Gleason and John Wycough. At first it seemed too cartoony for my realistic-art-loving tastes, but by the final issue it seemed sharp, well defined and any cartoonishness added to the outrageousness of the story.
Each issue featured a back up story set in the Nobles' past, with art by a different artist each time. Amanda Conner and Jimmy Palmiotti gave us a look at Race's birth and how it saved his parents' marriage. Jamal Igle and Damon Hacker treated us to the story of how Rusty Noble nearly died at the hands of a robot assassin, only the be saved by Celeste, who continues to sleep with Frost in his Ice Palace but still loves Rusty. In a tale reminiscent of the film ENEMY MINE, Jeff Johnson illustrates how Race became best friends with Krennick, the son of Draconis, arch enemy of Doc Noble. Finally, Sean Clauretie's art gives us a moody, cinematic look inside the mind of the foe who has tormented the Nobles throughout this series.
If you're like me, and have wondered what would happen if the Marvel Family behaved like the Kennedys, NOBLE CAUSES is for you. And you'll also want to pick up the NOBLE CAUSES: FAMILY SECRETS mini-series, coming soon.
Buzz Maverik
Turgis State Hospital For The Criminally Insane
Title: WOLVERINE #179
Writer: Matt Nixon
Penciller: Ethan Van Sciver
Publisher: MARVEL
Reviewer: Ambush Bug
The same questions fill my head every time I read an ALPHA FLIGHT comic. Why is Shaman wearing a rejected version of Doctor Octopus’ costume? Isn’t Sasquatch breaking some comic code by prancing around nude with an atrocious overgrown bush of pubic hair draped over his netherparts? Why do all o’ them Canadians end their questions in “eh?”, eh? Even though most of these questions will never be answered, it’s fun to ask them and equally fun to read about the adventures of a team that has one of the most offbeat cast of characters in comics. This month, Alpha Flight guest stars in WOLVERINE #179 and the issue reminded me of how much fun I used to have reading about their exploits on a monthly basis. Since the team doesn’t have a series of their own, a guest spot in a WOLVERINE arc is the next best thing.
Newsflash for those who have been stuck in an elevator for the last thirty years: Wolverine is Logan, ex-government agent, former samurai, and card-carrying mutant member of the X-men with a healing factor and claws and bones laced with an unbreakable metal called Adamantium. Logan knows very little about his past before his time as an agent for the Canadian government so, next to the X-Men, Alpha Flight is the closest thing he has to a family.
For the most part, I have been unimpressed with Wolverine’s solo series. I definitely think that Logan’s a big enough character to warrant a series of his own, but he hasn’t been handled correctly in quite a while. Wolverine should be a combination of Clint Eastwood, Charles Bronson, Lee Marvin, and Steve McQueen. He should be THE action star of the Marvel Universe. Lately, instead of an amalgamation of these macho stars, we’ve been following the exploits of Jeff Speakman’s furry half-brother. For the last year or so, most of Wolvie’s stories have been retreads of bad Van Damme flicks. Wolvie deserves better.
I don’t know who this Matt Nixon is. If I’ve read his stuff before, I didn’t notice it, and if he’s famous for writing something great, I don’t know what it is. So far, this guy has been hit and miss. His first two issue arc, which I forgot as soon as I put the book down, had Wolvie facing a thinly-veiled version of the Vatican and its evil schemes. With everything that has been in the news about the Catholic church in the last year, this story seemed a bit too heavy-handed for a Wolverine tale. It just didn’t fit into the Logan-verse.
This new arc is a step in the right direction. It’s a truly weird beginning to a promising, yet disturbing, story arc that begins with a message from a talking lizard which orders Logan to return North to Department H, home of Alpha Flight. A few hours later, Wolverine meets Shaman, Alpha Flight’s Native American mystic man, who informs him that the team’s headquarters has become possessed by a powerful demon. The thing I liked about this issue is that Nixon opens up a bag of weird and pours it all out onto the page. We’ve got the aforementioned talking lizard message service, swarms of man-eating flies, giant mind-reading scorpions, and a demon shaman exacting revenge from the afterlife. This is the type of story I remember and miss from those great old and offbeat John Byrne issues of ALPHA FLIGHT. The Avengers handle the big messes. The X-Men are busy defending mutant-kind. But the weird shit. That stuff that you only read about in the tabloids. That’s handled by Alpha Flight. And Nixon seems to know this.
This issue has some great moments where Wolverine gets to unleash that rage he hasn’t shown in quite a long time, and Alpha Flight gets to strut their stuff too. It was fun to see Sasquatch barrel through a wall with a face full of fur and snarls. It was cool to see Puck ricocheting from panel to panel. It was nice to see Shaman pull all sorts of weirdness from that magic bag of his. We also learn a few things about Logan that wasn’t common knowledge before, like the fact that Adamantium has mystical properties and that a certain area of Wolvie’s anatomy is not protected by the unbreakable metal. Nixon shed some new light on the character and that’s hard to do with someone who’s been around for so long.
One thing I found utterly distasteful about the issue is that towards the middle of the book, it seems as if Snowbird, a powerful yet innocent shapeshifting Alphan, is being raped by the demon-shaman. It is never directly stated, but the demon-shaman (in the form of an obese fly-like creature) is on top of Snowbird (who has been possessed and taken the form of an equally obese fly-like creature). Logan’s pretty pissed when he sees what’s going on and even Sasquatch describes the scene as unspeakable. I don’t want to get on a soapbox or anything, but this is a serious issue and had the rape been talked about or dealt with in a mature or thoughtful manner, I wouldn’t have a problem with it being included in the story. What bothered me was that once the bad guy is stopped, Snowbird flies away to patrol the Border Realms, and when Wolvie expresses concern for her well being, Shaman dismisses what she went through by saying “She’s a demi-god, Logan, not a child.” I hope this is a subplot that will be developed later in the arc.
Rape is an issue that is rarely dealt with in mainstream comics and this would be a great chance to do so, but it doesn’t seem like this is where the writer is going with the story and I think that is a major lack of responsibility on his part. To introduce this type of plot point in the story and not expand on it means that it was added for shock value and, in that case, it is a pretty disgusting thing to include in an otherwise promising story arc.
The art is hit and miss too. I hate Van Sciver’s Wolverine, which is not good, since he’s the star of the book. His sideburns are gi-normous. Bigger than usual. There are panels where Logan looks more like Charles Manson than Wolverine. His characters are also pretty stiff and are either in cardboard poses or awkward action stances that defy laws of logic and physics. Some of the splash pages are decent and Van Sciver draws an absolutely bitchin’ Sasquatch. His over-attention to detail brings a richness to every panel, which, in this book, are mostly covered with bizarre viney growths and organic-looking walls and give the reader an uneasy feeling that these characters are walking around inside a living organism. The “rape” scene is especially unsettling due to the organic landscape, the evil smiling face of the demon-shaman-fly, and the look of abject horror on Snowbird’s face.
I’ve never been so torn on an issue. One part of me loved to see Alpha Flight in action again and wanted to see more. Another part of me was disgusted by the inclusion and then mishandling of the rape issue. Maybe this writer will surprise me and deal with this topic in future issues. It looks like Alpha Flight will be guest starring in this entire arc, so there’s still hope. I know one thing though. For the first time in a while, I am looking forward to the next issue of WOLVERINE, although it may not be for the reasons that the writer intended.
THE @$$HOLE CASTING COUCH!
Good day, eh? Bug here with yet another @$$hole Casting Couch.
Because one Talkbacker demanded it, this week I’m casting Canada’s first team of heroes, ALPHA FLIGHT. Who says we don’t take requests? This quirky team of do-gooders has been through some pretty bizarre adventures; defending Canada from mystical spirit creatures, maniacal immortals bent on world domination, circus freaks, government conspiracies, and other knobs and hosers. I had a lot of fun reading their early adventures and, along with the film STRANGE BREW, ALPHA FLIGHT was my only window into that mysterious land up North. So why not put them on the movie screen, eh?
We’ve seen enough straight forward comic book films. Let’s get wild with this one. I’m talking about getting David Lynch to direct this hosebeast. He’s done lawnmower road flicks, crime noirs about multiple personalities, and tales of crying little psycho-baby thingamajigs. Can anyone fathom what this filmmaking madman would do with the superhero genre? I can’t and that’s why I want to see it. Hell, TWIN PEAKS took place on the Canadian border, so Lynch already has the lay of the land. This film should be filled with that Lynchian quirk and weirdness we all know and love, but still tell the tale of a government sponsored team that fights to save their mysterious land from even more mysterious enemies. Beauty idea, eh?
For Alpha Flight’s team leader, James MacDonald/Guardian, I go with Lynch mainstay, Kyle MacLachlan (TWIN PEAKS). He’s got the quirky leading man talent needed to make the audience believe in a guy who flies around in a power suit sporting the colors of the Canadian flag.
Heather MacDonald/Vindicator is the only stable gal on the team. We need an actress that has a lot of backbone for this one. Why not bring back Kyle’s squeeze in BLUE VELVET, Laura Dern, as Guardian’s full-time wife and part-time battle suit wearing partner, eh?
James Spader (SEX, LIES, AND VIDEOTAPE) is another scientist-type actor with brains. He could play Walter Langowski, but the gamma radiated Sasquatch would have to be CGI. He’s also got experience being all hairy in WOLF.
Schitzo-chick, Aurora, has the power to fly at great speeds. Too bad she’s nuts. Franka Potente (RUN LOLA RUN) is cute and wacky enough to pull this one off. Her twin brother, Northstar, is a speedster and creates blinding light when he holds hands with dear sis. Peter Facinelli (SUPERNOVA, TV’s Fastlane) has what it takes to play the arrogant pretty boy/gold medal skier.
I know there are plenty of tiny actors out there to play Puck, but the pint-sized acrobat isn’t really a little person. He’s a normal-sized person who has been shrunk down by magick. I’d use the magick of CGI to shrink a big name for this role. Think Yoda’s fight scene in AOTC crossed with the way they made the Hobbits in LOTR and that’s Puck in this flick. He’s the heart of the team. The big guy in a little body. That’s why I would cast talented Canadian-born actor, Elias Koteas (COLLATERAL DAMAGE, THE PROPHECY) for the role that requires equal parts comedy, heart, and physicality.
Snowbird has always been a mystery to me. She’s the strange one in a group of strange ones. She’s basically a shapeshifter, but has evolved into Canada’s version of Mother Earth. I’d cast the sprite-like singer/actress, Bjork (DANCER IN THE DARK), to take on this weird role.
And what about Shaman? I’d cast him older than the rest of the adventurers. He’s the wise one of the group; the one they all go to in time of trouble to pull out something useful from his bag of tricks. Wes Studi (LAST OF THE MOHICANS) conveys wisdom and confidence in every part he’s played and would do the same here.
Every superteam needs a villain and Alpha Flight’s is The Master. He is allegedly millions of years old and has laid claim to the Earth starting with Canada. He may not be a big star, but anyone who’s seen TWIN PEAKS knows that Ray Wise (Laura Palmer’s psycho dad in the classic TV series) has what it takes to play the overzealous bad guy. Of course, the Master wouldn’t be the only villain. There’d be plenty of mystical monstrosities (like Wendigo and the Great Beasts) and scientific experiments gone awry (like the Master’s creations), but they would be CGI, so I don’t need to cast them.
And what Alpha Flight Casting Couch would be complete without our very own toque-wearing, hockey-watchin’ @$$hole, Jon Quixote, chiming in with his own politely-worded suggestions.
“I take offense to the persistent racism employed by you Americans. If you’re not aware of this, no longer is it permissible to cast Italian actors as Mexicans or Indians, or to slap blackface on a white actor, and have him play an African-American. Yet, cast an American as a Canadian, and nobody says a damn thing aboot it. Well, I’ve had enough, eh! We Canadians can do more than take a wicked slap shot or open our borders to terrorists. There’r some fine actors north of the 49th. As proof, I present the all-Canadian Alpha Flight Casting Couch. Eh!
“James MacDonald Hudson/ Guardian can only be played by one man. Bruce Greenwood (THIRTEEN DAYS) has the class and arrogant politeness to pull this one off.
“His wife, Vindicator? I would love to see Vancouver-born Carrie-Anne Moss (MEMENTO) as a redhead.
“Sasquatch is CGI, of course. But what about Walter Langowski? Why, he can be played by none other than Kiefer Sutherland, who has experience playing a tormented scientist in DARK CITY.
“Aurora is hot. Really, really hot. You know who else is hot? Mia Kirshner, the terrorist chick in 24. And she acts too. I’m sold!
“Northstar is hot. Really, really…uh, I mean, Northstar is Aurora’s brother, and Marvel’s first openly gay hero. So let’s typecast Eric McCormack of WILL & GRACE.
“Shaman, the mystic Native Canadian is one of my favorites. Hollywood seems to wedge Graham Greene (MAVERICK) into every role in a big-budget movie that calls for an older, wiser Native, but he’d actually be perfect for this one!
“Did you know Enrico Colantoni (JUST SHOOT ME) was Canadian? Neither did I! But he is, and he’d be PERFECT for that bouncing midget, Puck.
“Snowbird is a beautiful Northern weather-witch, but she’s also an Earthy mother-nature type who probably doesn’t shave her legs. I’m pretty sure Sarah Polley (GO) has crunched some granola in her day, so give her the part.
“One of the things about Alpha Flight I just don’t get is the way it depicts Department H, the government agency behind Alpha Flight, as an evil, labyrinthine bureaucracy. The five of us who know anything about the Canadian government know that they have as much success with malevolence as KAOS did. Still, they need a sleazy bureaucrat getting in the way, and Henry Czerny (MISSION IMPOSSIBLE) has that character nailed.
“The Master. The eloquent, immortal villain who wants to take over the world. Well, he played eloquent scheming bad guy so well in STAR TREK VI, that I can’t imagine anybody objecting to Christopher Plummer.
“There you have it. Put David Cronenberg behind the lens, get James Cameron to produce, and have Graham Yost write the script and you’d have an all-Canuck Alpha Flight movie that’s ready and waiting for the American studio dollars it needs to be a success!”
Bug here again. As always, I invite you all to agree, disagree, tear us a new one (especially Quixote. Don’t worry, he’s got universal healthcare), or put together your own cast. I’m sure every @$$hole in the Talkbacks has an opinion or two. Now take off and talk aboot it, eh?
