Harry here... Man, I barely dodged this one. Walken's involvement had me wanting to see it, but luckily configuring my new DVD player with the sound system took too long, and I wound up watching THE RING and COMPANY OF WOLVES import discs instead.... Oh well, looks like I missed out. Here ya go...
Ahoy squirts. 'Tis I, the world's crustiest seaman, Quint, here to warn you... erm... tell you about Disney's newest... um... opus?... flick... COUNTRY BEARS.
Now before everybody starts screaming "How could you think the movie was going to be any good to start with?" I just have to say that I went to the movie because of one man. I will see any movie Christopher Walken is in. I saw the COUNTRY BEARS trailer... and just said, "But Christopher Walken is in it... I have to see it." I saw the TV spots and saw Walken doing an armpit fart musical number, which is brilliant, and said, "Hells yeah! The movie might suck, but Walken is in it doing weird shit!"
Unfortunately, Walken is in the movie for all of 5 minutes and while he rules... he's only in it FOR 5 MINUTES. The rest of the time I spent with my mouth agape in, quite frankly, fear at the scary animatronics monstrosities that graced the screen. The bears are all very well done, greatly animated... but seeing Christopher Walken, who's creepy enough by himself, talking with these huge bears with hick accents and fully animated faces... I think it was just too much for my fragile little mind.
The movie is pretty god-awful. I realize the film wasn't made for me, it was made for kids, but the kids in the theater didn't seem to enjoy it much either.
The theater I was in was filled to the brim with families. It was so packed that little kids were sitting on parents laps. The kids were rowdy before the film and quickly turned silent when the movie played. Despite a few moments of laughter and some foot-tapping during the musical numbers, they stayed quiet for the whole film. There was no applause at the end. I think they were as confused and scared as I was.
I know this isn't much of a review, but I don't want to spend any more time with this movie in my head. If you're a parent, I implore you... Take your kids to see Lilo & Stitch again. Support the greatness that Disney can make, not this crap. I'm terrified of what Disney's going to be doing with the other Theme Park attractions turned movies that they have in the works. I never gave much of a shit about The Country Bears at Disneyland, but I worshipped The Haunted Mansion and The Pirates of the Caribbean. Those were the attractions that I would get out of and immediately get back in line to experience again. If THE COUNTRY BEARS represents the quality of these projects, I weep in advance for the desecration of these wonderful childhood memories.
Oh well. I'll be back soon with a review of a vastly superior film, some interviews and, in a week's time, my coverage of the San Diego Comic Con. 'Til that day, squirts, this is Quint bidding you all a fond farewell and adieu.
-Quint
