Here is Hallenbeck's review of John Carpenter's VAMPIRES. As for his "suckiest endings in a long time" bit, well, personally I love the ending. By the end of this flick I was dying to see what happens two days later. I've had conversations with friends where we talked about what could be done, where it could go, etc. Now personally I think Joe is talking about the part right before the end, and if he is, then it is a bit of a let down, but the end end is so fucking cool that I forgave the film that. And looking at Joe's little lists I would stack it in with his Uber-Cool movies. It's definately better than THEY LIVE in the cool category for me. But hey, whatever. Ain't no big deal. Though I would argue that ROAD WARRIOR can qualify on a person's Top 100 list, I know I could make one helluva arguement for it. Oh, and I do believe the lobotomized ones at SONY have assembled a gigantic army of Rock n Roll to slap into this film. ARGH!!! God I hope they just have a long as hell end titles, cause if they supplant one note of Carpenter's score I'll go over to Joe's and borrow his bat, but then I bet Joe would already be enroute to Culver City. Anyway here ya go, here's the Mighty Joe....
After sitting through an endless parade of shitty summer suckfests(Armageddon, SPR, BASEketball, Fear and Loathing, and Mary excluded), I, The Mighty Joe Hallenbeck(a name which was bestowed upon me...I didn't give myself the title, "Mighty") decided to catch a Test Screening of John Carpenter's Vampires a few weeks back. Why the delayed review? It's simple: I wanted to let the movie slowly soak in like a fine Brandy...to savior it's every detail.
Now, before I get on with the review I must explain to you geeks and geekettes how I judge movies like Vampires. I know, going in, they won't be cinematic masterpieces. When I go to movies like this I look for the "Coolness" factor. In my own little world, there are 3 levels of "cool" a movie can obtain -- Cool, Uber-Cool, and Uber-Fuckin'-Cool. The movies that fall under these categories aren't neccessarily great nor wretched. They may have been hits or misses when they first came out. They are movies that will never and can never appear on any Damn Top 100 List. They are movies that only us geeks and geekettes know forward and backward. We quote from them as if they were the scriptures. They are the kind of flicks we discovered on video, cable, or midnight shows. However, they can't be movies that are considered Masterpieces or Great Filmmaking! So, movies like Taxi Driver, Clockwork, Pulp, Halloween, Godfather, or even Star Wars can't be included on these lists. They are "too good" or "beloved" or "cherished" to appear on lists like these. The following is a smattering of examples that best describes what I'm talking about:
COOL MOVIES - a movie that just screams "COOL!" whenever you try to describe it.
An American Werewolf in London - Funny and scary!
The Fox and the Hound - A cool Disney animated flick that gets no respect. One of my Favs!
Mars Attacks! - Most people just don't get it.
Scarface - "Say hello to my little friend!"
Commando - the dumbest, coolest Arnie action-fest! Try to count the dead bodies.
Hard-Boiled - 4 words: "Hospital Shootout Tracking Shot."
The 'Burbs - too bad they changed the original ending, but it's still a cool little Dante pic.
Manhunter - great prquel to "Silence." William Petersen is so cool in this smart, scary flick.
Blade Runner - Great F/X...pretty boring movie.
Evil Dead - Raimi is a Master of Cool!
The Thing(both versions) - 'Nuff said!
UBER-COOL - the kind of flick that makes a geek drool when it's name is mentioned. A true geek has seen these films 20-30 times.
They Live - GREAT ALMOST MOVIE! Makes it this high because of two things: The Fight Scene and the "ass-kickin' bubble gum chewing" line.
The Jerk - The funniest first line ever!
Tremors - Man, did Ron Underwood show potential!
Dawn of the Dead - the best of the "DEAD" series. Unfortunately, it lacks the humor to raise it up to the next level of coolness.
Fletch - a role Chevy was born to play. I can't wait to see what Kevin has in store for numero tres.
The Toxic Avenger(uncut version) - How much is a kid on a bicycle?
Assault on Precinct 13 - just plain uber-cool!
The Outlaw Josey Whales - very underrated Clint Western. Just watch that scene in the Bar with the Bounty Hunter 1000 times and you'll see why this is an uber-cool movie.
Any Jackie Movie!
UBER-FUCKIN'-COOL - a movie that, with any mere mention of it's title, character(s), scene, and/or dialouge, sends a geek into orgasmic pleasure!
Evil Dead 2 - Groovey!
Big Trouble in Little China - Jack Burton's the coolest...PERIOD!
Ghostbusters - although a blockbuster, this flick still doesn't get the respect it rightfully deserves. That's why it's here and not in the masterpiece column. Next to GWTW, Oz, and Casablanca, no other movie has the most kick ass sound bytes as this!
The Killer - I'm convulsing rrrigghhtt noooowwww.....
Aliens - This is here and Alien is not because Alien is highly respected...more so than this gem. Game over, man!
Predator - Dutch, Dillon, Mac, Billy, Poncho, Blain, Ana, and one ugly Mother Fucker!
The Terminator - Admit it... you watched this movie on tape more than any other movie...
Road Warrior - ...besides this one!
Robocop - I'm glad they only made one of these movies(wink-wink) because if they had made any sequels I may have had to kill some people. Thank God I can erase terrible memories from my mind.
Stripes - Yeah, it's a guy thing. Chicks just don't get why it's funny. And yes...for those guys who don't get it, you get to travel to different places.
Caddyshack - like Stripes, but funnier! I still cry from laughter when I watch this flick. It's even funnier if you know a thing or two about golf.
There you have it...not a complete list of "COOL" movies, but a small sample of what the hell I'm talking about. BTW, did you notice a common name amongst those movies?....a name associated with a lot of those flicks that appeared in various categories? A name like John Carpenter, perhaps? Yes, the "KING OF COOL" has done some clunkers(although, in my eyes, he has rarely done any wrong), but out of the great ones I've mentioned they kick some pretty cool ass. Where does his latest, VAMPIRES, fit in? Let's take a look...
The Plot - James Woods plays the Head Vampire Hunter working for the Vatican. He and his team go up against some bad ass Vampire in the Southwest. It's there that most of his team is executed by this mean Mother. It's up to Jimmy to stop this bloodsucker before he gets his unholy claws on a Black Cross that can let his kind walk safely during daylight hours.
The Writing - The lead charcter and the basic story of the movie make this a prime candidate for an Uber-fuckin-cool movie. Does it acheive it? -- We'll see. Some nifty killings and great one liners really make this movie top notch compared to others of its kind. The characters come to life on screen. They are dudes and dudettes you cheer for. One of the coolest lines of the year is uttered in this flick, "That's it, Padre -- Fuck with them!" I also dug some of the orginal aspects of the story they came up with. It puts a fresh and exciting spin on those tired old Vampire movies of yore.
The Directing - John is in top form here. He knows how to use every inch of the frame. He's the king of scope and it shows. Not one inch of that screen is wasted.
The actors :
James Woods - Jack Crowe is one of the coolest hero's to come about in a long time. He's got a great origin. He's as cool as Ash and as mean and vicious as Wolverine! What's with John and cool characters named Jack?
Daniel Baldwin - the chubby Baldwin Bro carries his own weight(no pun intended) here. He's just as cool as James...if not cooler. He really holds the movie together when it's needed.
Sheryl Lee - what an ass! She can suck on my neck any day.
Maximillian Schnell - He makes up for that dreadul performance in Deep Impact.
The Father - aka Padre. This dude is the link from our world into theirs. We see and hear everything basically through his eyes and ears. All the blanks are filled in as he discovers what's going on. He's one heckacool dude!
Thomas Ian Griffin - aka Michael Wincott's twin brother(man do these two dudes look alike)! I thought this dude was busing tables at Jerry's Famous Deli on Ventura. I was surprised to see him in another flick. He was a like a poorman's Jeff Speakman. That's not the case here. He's one bad ass, mother fucker. Stick to the bad guy roles and stay clear of the heroic ones.
The music - I just love John's style. It's so fuckin cool! You fuckers even think about putting some goddamn songs into this flick and I'll have to come after you with my bat...is that clear?!
The climax - This is what ruined the movie for me. It went from uber-fuckin-cool to just plain cool. It's weak and so anti-climatic. I wish they had a bigger budget because this ending sucked oh so very much. It reminded me of They Live in that respect. Hell, this movie would've been incredible if it had a super-duper big budget, but I ain't bitchin' about that. I just wish they had concocted something better than what they had.
Overall - It's one cool movie! One of the shittiest endings in history, but the rest of the movie is just way too fuckin cool...Man, that climax really did suck! C'est la vie!
BTW, don't forget to see BASEketball this Weekend. Remember what Mighty Joe Hallenbeck said, "It's for the Sick Fuck in you!"
T.T.F.N.,
Joe Hallenbeck
hallenbeck69@earthlink.net
