Hey folks, Harry here with the Itchy and Scratchy of AICNers. That's right, the S&M Twins are back! Quint and Massawyrm providing you with the HE said followed by SHE said rundown of EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS. Seems like, as usual, their thoughts are nearly exactly the same. I wonder...
Ahoy, squirts! Everybody's favorite crusty ol' seaman, Quint, here with a short look at Eight Legged Freaks, this year's big giant bugs attacking a small town flick. I'll keep this review small because I know that between Knowles and Massawyrm's reviews you folks might possibly be gray-haired by the time you finish reading about this movie. I also don't know how different my opinion on this flick will be from theirs as I couldn't stick around after the film to bullshit with them about it.
You know the story if you've seen the trailer. Small town, big spiders. That's all you need to know. If you're not interested in that four word description of the movie then it is obviously not for you. If watching giant spiders eat the shit out of people (um... maybe I should rephrase that... nawwwww) isn't your idea of a swell time, then this movie is not for you. If the idea of cheering as trap door spiders take out a flock of Ostriches is unfathomable to you... Go and see Road To Perdition again... Eight Legged Freaks is not for you.
For all the rest of you B-movie fans out there, this movie is for you. If you found anything at all to like about Renny Harlin's fun cheesefest Deep Blue Sea, this movie's for you. If you proudly flaunt your knowledge and love of such films as Night of the Lepus and The Fly and The Giant Gila Monster and Bug, this film is for you. If you can recite 70% of TREMORS, this film is for you.
If you can't already tell by the title EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS that this movie is all about being fun and giving the audience a good time then I don't know what to tell ya'. There is no real depth to these characters. The plot is photocopied from those great radioactive scare flicks of the '50s. Seriously, you have the heroic town Sheriff (in this case a woman), her bumbling, but good-hearted deputy, the corrupt mayor who is partly responsible for the terrible events in the film, the kids in peril and the local conspiracy nut who is there to basically point at the locals and say, "You're doomed! You're all doomed! I told ya' so!" There's even a lost radioactive barrel that starts the whole mess.
That having been said, if you get caught up on those things in a GIANT SPIDER MOVIE, then there's no hope for you. I'm sorry you can't have fun at this type of movie, but that's alright. Your loss. No biggie. It's really hard to not have fun with this flick. Sure, it's not original. Sure, it's stupid, but it's stupid in a great way. I still think Tremors did this movie better, but we haven't really seen this kind of movie done well since then.
Tom Noonan has a small role that is classic. I love Tom Noonan, have since I first saw him as Frankenstein in the brilliant '80s kids flick Monster Squad. His Dollarhyde was the best part about Manhunter and his ax murderer was one of the only great things in Last Action Hero. He's a great character actor and he shines as the spider collecting weirdo. The kid in the film rules. Smartly written children are rare to come by in cinema, let alone horror flicks, but we have one in this film. Forgive me for not grabbing his name off the IMDB, but my iMac is currently... well, dead... and I'm working on borrowed time. Great work, though. Everybody holds their weight in the film, considering the genre and the unreality that they're dealing with.
If you want a fun time, you could do a lot worse than seeing this film. If you want serious cinema, the trailers didn't lie. This is a goofy, stupid fun fantastically enjoyable movie. Wait for Cronenberg's Spider if a cartoony movie isn't up your alley.
That's it from me, squirts. I'll be back with some more reviews, interviews and even day by day reports from the fantastic San Diego Comic Con here in a couple of weeks. 'Til that day, this is Quint bidding you all a fond farewell and adieu.
-Quint
And now here's Quint's life mate Massawyrm...
“Shpider…I love you spider…Shpider…he’s our hero…Shpider…must stop…Shpider”
Hola all. Everyone’s favorite Chain-smoking, Dr. pepper Swilling, Indie Schilling arachnophobe here with a look at this summers bug-stravaganza “Eight Legged Freaks”. Now at first glance this film looks absolutely retarded, devoid of any social value whatsoever and completely, totally fun. And you know what? It delivers on all counts.
This movie is absolutely, positively everything it promises to be. How often can we really say that about movies like this? If you’ve seen the trailer then you know the score: 50’s style mutant bugs attack an Arizona town and devour its inhabitants. And every single moment of it rocks. It’s a slam bang creepy actioner with shotgun wielding cops and a bumbling David Arquette battling cool looking giant spiders bent on eating absolutely everything in sight. So depending on how you reacted to the trailer you can easily judge exactly how you will feel about this movie. If you shrieked with joy, this film will deliver exactly what you’re looking for. If you cringed and prayed for the trailer to end, then avoid this like the plague.
“Eight Legged Freaks” is part Tremors, part Gremlins. And while it borrows from the best of 50’s atomic horror, it remains tongue in cheek every step of the way, taking itself only serious enough to tell the story without devolving into a sad, pathetic mockery ala Randy Quaid’s embarrassing to even claim to have watched “Bug Buster”. This is top notch campy fun. I smiled and laughed and squealed with joy, shouting “That’s Awesome” and “That Fucking Rules!” the whole way through.
My only beef is the one of the characters QUITS SMOKING AT TH END OF THE FUCKING MOVIE! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ALL ABOUT!?! Quits smoking?!? Are you kidding me. Your town is just laid waste and your first thought is to quit? Well of course she quit, she smoked KOOLs. Jesus Christ! Any died in wool, red blooded American, Camel smoker would have pulled up a flaming spider corpse, lit one up, drank in the rich flavor and nicotine, let out a smoke filled sigh of relief followed by a sad “Fuck” as they surveyed the devastation. Shit, I did that and I only SAW the movie. But NOOOOOOO…she has to quit. Bah. Hollywood execs have been in bed with the tobacco companies for years. Hell, I’m sure Kool even paid to have their cigarettes on display. How did this slip through? Quits smoking. Jesus times have changed. Where’s the Duke, Yul Brenner and Humphrey Bogart when you need them? Oh yeah…they died of cancer…but if they hadn’t, they’d be saying the same thing I am now, I’m sure.
Anyhow, this is a fun romp worthy of your seven-fifty this weekend. Check out the midnight show with your best pals and prepare to hoot and holler. You won’t regret it.
Until next time friends,
Smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em. I know I will (and I ain’t quittin’! The Wyrm won’t let ya down.)
Massawyrm
