Alright, get ready to let loose on Joe. He gave SAVING PRIVATE RYAN 3 and a half stars out of four, which obviously means he hates the film.... right? All kidding aside, Joe here states some legitimate problems he felt the film had. I personally disagree with each and every single one of his negative points, but hey who died and made me god? Right, so as Joe would probably tell me, "Shove it up your ass Harry!" To which I look Joe in the eye and say, "shove harder you heartless bastard!" (Ya have to talk to Joe in a certain elegant tone, he doesn't understand we gutter trash. However if you feel Joe should be crucified for depriving the film of half a star and actually explaining it, then by all means send your death threats and hate mail to hallenbeck69@hotmail.com! If you are not familiar with Joe's style, beware, I told you so....
War is Heck...or at least that's the impression I got while watching God's latest opus, Saving Private Ryan. Of course, with that blasphemus statement one would think that I, The Mighty Joe Hallenbeck, is prepared to knock the hell out of this flick. The truth of the matter is I thought it was one heck of a film...certainly not the greatest War Movie ever made, but a good film -- the third best I've seen this year(2nd being Very Bad Things and 1st being a movie I haven't written a review for yet). This movie, on the Hallenbeck scale, gets a solid 3 1/2 stars out of 4...a rare feat for any film. I don't hand out 4 stars as if it were candy like most critics/movie lovers. In the past 5 years('93-'97) only 9 films(none in '96) received that rare, coveted 4 stars. So, when I give a movie 3 1/2 stars that's a pretty impressive complement.
Before I give you the reasons why this movie didn't earn 4 stars in the Book of Hallenbeck, I'd like to take this time to briefly examine 6 War Movies that are far better than SPR. I'll go in chronological order(meaning War to War):
Glory - The best Civil War movie ever filmed(of course, I can't recall that many CW films being made). The battle scenes were spectacularly filmed and the characters were rich and well drawn out.
All Quiet on the Western Front - The greatest War/Anti War film ever...PERIOD! Nothing in cinematic history can match the 2nd most haunting, symbolic shot to ever be filmed (1st being in Schindler's List). If I have to tell you what it is then don't even call yourself a movie fan. This particular moment should be view at least 3,000,000 times during your life. It should be hammered into your psyche like the time Uncle Billy asked you to sit on his lap and you felt something uncomfortable underneath you!
Paths of Glory - Honor. Loyalty. Discipline. Are we human beings or are we soldiers when we walk onto that battlefield?
Platoon - Innocence lost at its best. When Charlie Sheen killed Tom Berrenger a part of me died. I was Charlie at that moment. Oliver made me feel as if I was pulling the trigger. That's something I'll never forget.
The Deer Hunter - Nothing will ever match the most intense scene ever filmed. I've seen this flick numerous times and I still have to get up and walk around after watching that particular scene. I ain't saying what it is cause you know what scene I'm talking about.
Full Metal Jacket - Two incredible movies in one. You went through Boot Camp with Joker, Cowboy and Pile. You felt their pain. And when the time came, you went through hell with them...both on the battlefield and in camp. Them sniper's are sons a bitches.
Of course, this is just a smattering of War films that I would take over SPR anyday. Hell, I'd even throw Born on 4th of July, The Longest Day, Apocalypse Now, and Patton in there.
Well, enough about those flicks. Let's deal with the movie at hand.
THINGS I'M GONNA BITCH ABOUT:
1) It ain't better than Schindler's List. To say so is an insult and should be deemed a crime...punishable by death! Once again, the critic's blow their wad and praise a movie that's good(very good in this case) but ain't the masterpiece they claim it to be. When I walked out of Schindler's List I felt ashamed of being a Human Being. When I walked out of SPR, I asked myself, "I wonder if I'll make it home in time to watch Dave?"
2) Apparently all battles were fought in the daytime. Both Nazi's and Americans slept at night. Only one shot took place during the night and it was breathtaking. I, for one, would've loved to have seen just a wee bit more take place during those Twilight Hours.
3) It looked too clean to me. Maybe it was the dull hues or filters he used, but it just didn't look gritty enough for me. It looked to "Hollywood."
4) The Hype on the Violence. God kept on tellling everyone that this flick is incredibly violent...that it has sickened people. Granted, I'm as descensitized to violence as the next cold-blooded American Male, but I didn't feel the violence portrayed was excessive. It's a war movie for christ sakes! It's supposed to be violent! I've seen more violence in Dead Alive and Starship Troopers! God was blowing smoke up everyone's ass by proclaiming this film is really excessive in the violence department. It's war. It's Violent. It's disgusting. That's just the way it is. Take your five year olds to go see this. Give them a history lesson and teach them about the horrors of war, but for God sakes --- Let them know there are more violent images out there...some of which I've seen on TV!
5) The Characters - this is the main reason why the movie didn't get 4 stars. I don't mind if they were somewhat cliched. What I did mind is that only two of them were remotely interesting! 2 out of 8 (9 if you count Chief Big White Teeth who's barely in the movie) stuck out in my mind. I can't remember one soldiers name, nor do I care to. When a character would die I didn't shed a tear. I didn't care about them. They weren't a family...a unit like those boys were in those movies I mentioned above. As a matter of fact, I didn't even care for Tom Hanks in the film. I just felt that it was Tom Hanks trying to play Soldier in his backyard! Now how's that for a blasphemus statement?!
6) Only one money shot...the calvery arriving on the beach after it's been taken. I would've loved to have seen a few more money shots...you know, the breathtaking epic scope shots that can only be seen on the big screen. What's with God and shooting a movie flat? A movie like this should've been shot in scope. It should have been grand and spectacular, yet intimate at the same time.
7) I, for one, was disapointed that I didn't see Indy duking it out with them Nazi's in the background. Ah, C'est la vie.
THINGS I AIN'T GONNA BITCH ABOUT:
1) The Battle scenes are some of the most specatularly filmed sequences ever(although, some of that steady cam work really gave me a migrane. It was like NYPD BLUE on acid!). What a pain in the ass it must have been to film that stuff. People are saying God didn't even storboard those scenes. BULLSHIT!!! God doesn't even take a piss without storyboarding it. He had it written and drawn down somewhere.
2) Jeremy Davies and Adam Goldberg - these two gents were the only soldiers that injected any kind of personality and character into their roles. Davies was particularly impressive as the the young coward with no combat experience. His character is the only one that grew and blossomed during the course of the film. Him on that stairwell and at the end with those soldiers are two moments I soon won't forget.
As for Adam, I felt he was perfectly cast as the Jewish Soldier fighting against them Nazi, Kraut Bastards. Every time you see a Jew in a World War II movie they're being persecuted. Not in this case. That scene with him and the POW's is great!
3) And the ocean turns red with blood. Now that's a powerful, haunting image if I've ever seen one.
4) Adam breaking down on the beach.
5) Two words: "Earn this."
I look at SPR this way, "That's one down...one to go." I hope and pray Terrance Malick and Co. come up with a war movie that is so intense, so revolting, and so hypnotic to watch that it makes me seriously ill to think about War after I watch that movie. Sorta like a Clockwork Orange kinda experience. That's what I want in a War flick... unfortunately, that's not what I got in SPR.
On a more personal note, I just want to say it was a fuckin insult to the men that fought valiantly during that battle to be completely ignored during the final shot of the film. To end the movie on a Marker for a ficticious character's grave and on the flag was disgusting! To truly pay homage to those brave men that died over there God should've ended the movie on a wide shot(cliched as it is) and shown us all the hundreds...if not 1000's of graves that layed there. That would've broke me.
...and a butterfly flaps it's wings.
Joe Hallenbeck
