AICN COMICS!! RON ZIMMERMAN

Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.

Today is Big Comics Monday on AICN, so I’m going to get out of the way quicker than normal to let Andrew set the stage for you. Pleased to have Ron Zimmerman back, and let’s see what he’s got to say...

Hi Folks. Andrew from GHMOnline.com here. As promised, we’re pleased to present a new ongoing column by television and comic star, Ron (Action, VIP, Get Kraven, Ultimate Adventures) Zimmerman. The column featured here on these pages is actually Ron’s second. The reaction to his first column was overwhelmingly positive. Despite some message board pop ups from people wanting to give a different impression, our feedback was very supportive and because of this Ron wanted to come out and get another one done sooner than expected. He also wanted to respond to some of the criticisms that there were of that first column. So if you want to check out his first offering, go to the columns section of www.ghmonline.com. If not, just enjoy this installment and be sure to let us know what you all think.

Stupid Opinions About Stuff

By Ron Zimmerman

"It's easy to sit back and criticize"

Someone other than me said that and they left out something important: it's also fun! The trouble is, when the artist becomes a critic, he is no longer the artist. I have led an artist’s life since I quit my job as a butcher in 1978 and it is all I ever wanted to be or do and I've been very lucky and privileged to have been able to make my living that way since I was 20 years old. And I know that it is indeed a great privilege, believe me (why do I sound like, 'serious' telethon Jerry Lewis all the sudden?).

I hate myself with a little extra vigor tonight because my friend Joe embarrassed the hell out of me today. He complimented me on the humor of my first column but also pointed out that the comic book creators might be extra sensitive to my "fun" little reviews/opinions/jokes/teasings because, as I have been doing this past year, they work their asses off for a lot less bread than the TV and movie folk, and what is said on an Internet column might well effect the sales of their books. Nw to be honest, I was shocked anyone even read my thing. I am not Internet educated. I am not even high school educated. I'm basically an idiot who gets through life doing a great impression of a smart person. Oh God, I'm Ritch Little. (can you digress more, Ron? I need so much professional help. It's certainly not the drinking, right? RIGHT?! RIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT! ANSWER ME!)

I love comic literature. That's right. It is literature. I have loved it since I learned to read. My vocabulary, my desire to become a writer, for good or bad, (It's been mostly good) is based on the writings of Stan Lee, Dennis O'Neil and Bob Dylan, who I got into before I really understood much of what he was saying, but his name is Zimmerman, too and the kids in the neighborhood used to .... ohhhhhhhhhkay, maybe another time.

What I mean to say is that I still read comics every week. I go and buy my books, come home, sit on the crapper enthralled with each page as my hemorrhoids swell without notice because I love them. The comics, not the `roids. Comic books are life blood to me and I fear I did not make that point before because I wanted to be very glib and sensational. They have touched me and made me laugh and cry and want to be the good guy and a better person. Now I thought that by "reviewing" my own books first it was OK to hack and slash at anything I felt like after that. Admittedly, when one works for Howard Stern one develops a thick skin because that pack of jackals turns on each other in a heartbeat and you have got to take a lot of shit to sit there. You don't know what criticism is until you've been in Robin Quivers’ crosshairs and you're wearing something stupid.

In my career as a TV writer and producer I have been abused at the hands of everyone from Ryan O'Neal and Farrah Fawcett to O. J. fucking Simpson and Joan Cuntsack, CUSACK. Sorry. Typo. But the thing is, I don't give a shit about them. I do care about comic creators. This has been the most interesting writing challenge I've ever had and I work ten times harder to write comic books than you are asked to for TV. But I ripped into comics like I did TV and movies, didn't I?

I don't feel good about it.

I just read the last few issues of Peter Parker: Spider-Man, which i summarily dismissed before. Well, they were really good. This Green Goblin story scared the piss outta me. Honestly, I hadn't read the title in a few years and was scattershooting because I work for Marvel and wanted to be non-partial but also vague so they wouldn't fire me. Well, you can't please all the people all the time but the beauty of being alive is that you can admit when you're wrong and right it. I wronged Paul Jenkins. I was not raised well but I was raised to know right from wrong. Sometimes self-indulgence blinds a person to it but if it's in you, you can come around.

I also dismissed the book because I feel like everyone is dismissing my Spider-Man- related books, most of which I'm proud of (just shut up about the Leno thing. We were told he was gonna plug it which would have been good for us all so get off my back about it. They can't all be classics), and let's not forget, I'm a very bitter, angry, lapsed Jewish man, raised in a redneck town by drunks, that just has to throw a rock at every fucking window I see that looks nicer than the ones in my house.

Now Peter David, well, despite my feeling that he's one of the most brilliant comic authors in the world and my love of his Cap Marvel, I gotta hunch after my lil’ quips about Supergirl and Young Justice, he'd hate me if I saved his entire family from a sentinel attack. (And I'm not even involved in the big contest thing. Whew. Oh shit, now he'll think I just called his whole family mutants!) DOCTOR DOOM! Peter, I meant, saved the whole family from doctor doom ... (I can still feel the hate. Ouch.).

My overall point here is that I know how hard the work of producing comics is, I love them my entire life and I will not be voicing any more negative opinions about them because it does not serve a purpose I find entertaining (Except my thing about Mon-El, a subject I will grip to like a pit bull until they change it. HE'S STILL NOT FRENCH!).

I want kids to buy and read comics. I'm not gonna sit on my bloody `roids and be part of the problem. My own step-son will not read a comic book and that makes me very sad. He is missing out on a world of such wonder. Even the beatings will not get him to change and I really wail on this little fucker.

Let us all bear in mind, body and spirit, that this column is purposely called, "stupid OPINIONS about stuff," not, "scientifically proven facts." I have received much email and am told the message postings are so hateful I'm not even checking them out so if you think you're gettin me there, nah-nah-na-na-naaaaaaaaa! (I'll probably end up reading them now. I have terrible OCD. John Lennon was right: "Instant karma's gonna get ya ...")

To all the people that wrote nice things to me, thanks. Glad you enjoyed the show. Stick around. It might get better.

To all the people who wrote me nasty, vicious, little ditties, IT'S A SHOW, YOU ASSHOLES! I AM PUTTING ON A SHOW, GET IT?! I'M A FUCKING SEAL SPINNING A CYBERBALL ON MY NOSE FOR YOU TO LAUGH AT, SO SETTLE THE FUCK DOWN!

In closing, let me change gears and announce ........

The 1st annual presentation of the Ron Zimmerman RINGO AWARDS. An award given to people who have simply been hit like squirrels in the highway with incredible wealth and success for NO APPARENT REASON OR NOTICEABLE TALENT WHATSOEVER other than walking and talking at the same time.