Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
Okay... I’m joining the TalkBack League of @$$Holes next week. I’ll be sending my reviews to them and letting them do whatever they will. I’ve been sent some interesting comics recently worth discussing, and since it’s not my normal domain, I’m handing myself over to editors that know the comics world better than I do.
These... would be those editors...
Ambush Bug here, welcoming one and all to our very first @$$hole Roundtable Review. We reserve this column for extra special events in the world of comics. Upcoming Roundtable Reviews will focus on the third installment of Frank Miller’s controversial DK2 mini-series (because y’all have been clamoring for it so much) and the Fantastic Four 9-cent issue (because I’ve got a shiny new dime burning a hole in my pocket, HOT DIME, WATCH THE BISCUITS!!!). But for now, we will focus on the first issue of Kevin Smith’s latest foray into comics, SPIDER-MAN/BLACK CAT: THE EVIL THAT MEN DO.
Love him or hate him, Kevin Smith has proven to be a force in the comic book world. He’s the most high profile Hollywood celebrity to bring attention to not only comics, but to the medium’s fans. There aren’t too many people in the comic book biz who get to sit on Jay Leno’s couch to promote their comic, but Smith has done it; even though the Large Silent One and Chin-occhio talked about the comic for all of three seconds during Tuesday’s appearance.
So let’s get started. Hey @$$holes, what did you all think of this issue?
Title: SPIDER-MAN/BLACK CAT: THE EVIL THAT MEN DO #1
Writer: Kevin Smith
Artists: Terry & Rachel Dodson
Publisher: Marvel Comics
BUZZ MAVERIK:
Kevin Smith and the husband -and -wife artist-team of Terry and Rachel Dodson have wrecked my review. I planned to write in the voice of one of Smith's stock characters (Jay, Silent Bob or Ben Affleck) . But after reading this book, I realized that I hadn't counted on not liking it. This made my review gimmick impossible, because the character I wanted to impersonate would LOVE this comic, Snoogins.
My main problem is that it reads like Kevin took a plot for an unused DAREDEVIL/ELEKTRA or BATMAN/CATWOMAN story and stuck Spidey and the Cat in it. For me, these characters don't work in what is a fairly gritty crime story. Spidey might swing a perp over the city for info, but he's not the "get in his face" type. Spidey's smart ass remarks lack zing, surprising since Kevin is a very witty fellow . I will say that his writing of action scenes has vastly improved. Too bad the way Spidey and the Cat meet is Old Skool Marvel Dumb.
The Dodsons draw beautiful women. Unfortunately, the Cat is always presented in some titillating pose and never looks natural. It's insulting to the intelligence of comic readers and it reeks too much of the cliché that comic readers don't get sex so they're looking for pictures to uh...occupy those desperate hours.
I won't be buying any more of this series and I probably won't be reading Smith and Dodson's run on AMAZING SPIDER-MAN.
VROOM SOCKO:
The way Spider-Man and the Black Cat bump into each other is profoundly silly.
Do we really need Spidey to explain why he cracks jokes while he pounds on crooks?
Spidey being dragged by a car? Silly, yes, but fun too.
Bugs Bunny quotes are always a good thing.
The last three pages did their job. I'm interested in seeing how this story plays out.
I think Brian Michael Bendis and JMS have spoiled me. If Smith had written a Spider-Man comic before these two, I'd probably have thought higher of it.
Every panel that shows Felicia Hardy in or out of costume is sexy. Incredibly sexy. I'm talking Eros Comix level sexy. (No I don't actually read Eros. No, that's NOT my copy of Housewives at Play...)
Thoughts overall: This doesn't look like it's going to be something that'll be remembered in five years time, but it is a fun way to kill some time. There's no need to go out of your way to read it, but if you pick it up, you're not going to be that disappointed.
JON QUIXOTE:
It’s too bad we’re doing short reviews here, because I’ve got a lot I want to say about this comic, and I’ve wasted a lot of my space whining about doing a short review.
I liked it. I didn’t love it. It’s poorly edited, with no economy to the plotting, but that’s a standard complaint about most comics today. There are a couple real groaner moments, and a little too much worshiping at the Altar of Celebrity. And the Black Cat spends most of the issue in the shower.
Oops, that last sentence didn’t belong in the complaints paragraph. Smith has a little fun with T&A heroines here. The Black Cat is usually depicted in various stages of undress, sexually-frustrated, and revealed to be bisexual. With any other female heroine, this would probably be annoyingly gratuitous, but with the Cat, it works. She has always been a purely sexual character; her primary role in the Marvel Universe was to deliver Peter Parker’s sexual awakening. Gwen taught him to love, but Felicia Hardy taught him to fuck. Smith understands this about the character, and puts her to good use as both the archetypal comic book sexpot, and a parody of comic book sexpots.
Spider-Man and Bugs Bunny are cousins in that they’re the 20th Century incarnations of the trickster myth. I liked the parallels Smith drew between the two of them. And although his snappy patter is hit and miss, it's nice to see Spidey's Brer Rabbit roots honored. The Dodsons' art is clean and classic and seems really suited to Spider-Man; for some reason it reminded me of The Electric Company. THE EVIL THAT MEN DO #1 is a good mix of nostalgia, tradition, and modern sensibilities - although its primary fault is that it is too modern for its own good.
VILLAGE IDIOT:
As part of our ongoing commitment to bring you, the @$$hole reader, the finest and yet most annoying comic book review reading experience possible, the AICN Talkback League of @$$holes present for you now world's first Insta-Review(tm) Comic Book Review! The reflections and musings of our reviewer Village Idiot will be recorded and presented to you in real time as he reads the book SPIDER-MAN: THE EVIL THAT MEN DO. And WARNING: Spoilers ahead. Take it away, Mr. Idiot:
Hmm. The cover looks like a poster for a Russ Meyer movie. Well, if there's one thing Roger Ebert and I have in common, it's an appreciation for--uh--Russ Meyer movies. (God knows it's not reviewing talent)...Okay, we begin with a dead chick in a dumpster. Such a shame when folks be throwing away a perfectly good white [girl] like that...(Apologies to Savage Steve Holland)...By the way, has Savage Steve made any movies lately? The last one I remember is that HOW I GOT INTO COLLEGE deal, where they bizarrely had a stand in for Lara Flynn Boyle at the end. That was cheesy...Man, Lara Flynn Boyle is skinny...ALL RIGHT! Quick jump to Black Cat and a SHOWER SCENE! This sure as hell isn't Lara Flynn Boyle. Glad I didn't buy CODENAME: KNOCKOUT after all. Wait a minute, what is she doing with that, that, that--HEY NOW! This comic has now officially been bumped up to PG-13 (make that an R for smart kids who can read between the lines)...Okay now we're with Spidey swinging around. Tracking drug dealers who he thinks killed a student. Now he's smacking them down...Spidey's cracking wise and I keep seeing Kevin Smith writing this. Like when I read Green Arrow. Smith should patent this dialog. Wit, by Kevin Smith. Ask for it by name...On the other hand, I keep hearing the voice of the guy from THE BRADY BUNCH MOVIE when Spidey talks. I don't want to hear that guy's voice. Someone please, make it stop...That BRADY BUNCH guy was always a little too earnest in his readings of Spider-Man. Spidey as a young William Shatner. I hope Doogie Howser is a little more low-key...Ah, Spidey just made a "Jeebus" reference. Must remember to remind Cormorant that that was one of the best SIMPSONS episodes ever, an episode that came out after he wanted to put a stake in the show. The Philistine....Spider-Man butt joke, with homophobic irony. Ah, Kevin Smith, you create such magic!...Ugh. Spidey finally corners one of the dealers. Finds out there's a sordid NAMBLA aspect to this story. Ugh...Okay, back to Black Cat again. Wow, she looks like Amy from CHASING AMY with big hoo-haas...She says she's a "shower junkie." Heh, I get it, and I feel so dirty...Full page pic of Black Cat on all fours. [Insert undignified sexist remark that embarrasses us both here.]...Hmm. So according to Black Cat's internal dialog, she was into Spidey, but not Peter. And now she's rethinking that. Interesting...Okay, Spidey and Black Cat are tracking the same guy...And now everybody is busting though windows...Uh oh, someone's having a bad trip. Quick, someone get Eric Stolz!...What is this? Radio controlled fixes? Astrally projected fixes?...And boom, the issue is over.
AMBUSH BUG:
Axel Alonso is my personal hero. Ya wanna know why? Well, he is the Editor of SPIDER-MAN/BLACK CAT: THE EVIL THAT MEN DO #1 and it’s the easiest job in the world. You see, because he made a few films with comic book references, Kevin Smith has been deemed a comic book God. And who edits a God? Not Axel Alonso. Smith fills page after page with captions full of discourse and hands it over to Axel; who scans it to make sure Smith spelled BUTT with two T’s and that's it. I want that job.
Kevin Smith’s film CLERKS was made on a shoestring budget and filled with witty banter and ramblings. Smith didn’t have any money to film extravagant scenes, but because of Smith’s gift at gab, the flick turned out hunky-dory, as does the dialog in SM/BC:TETMD#1. But comics are films without budget. We don’t have to be trapped in that convenience store and only hear about what’s going on in the outside world. If a writer can think it and an artist can draw it, it can be done. I don’t know if Smith knows this. Why tell us about a scene where an A-plus student OD’s when it can be shown to us? Simple answer. Because all the space saved by explaining key scenes in huge blocks of captions can be better used for cheesecake shots of Black Cat’s cleavage. And artist Terry Dodson does good cleavage, but his Spidey is flat and boring. This book is all about Black Cat’s tits and ass though, so if that’s your bag, spank away.
This comic will sell immensely. As Smith predicted, a B-level female character will top the charts. Not because the book is well written, mind you, but because Smith’s worshipping masses will devour it. One of these days I hope they realize that Marvel has merely switched their foil covers and polybags gimmick with another; Hollywood celebrities who churn out mediocre product. And they’re laughing all the way to the bank with your money. Open your eyes, sheep.
CORMORANT:
Remember how Marvel dropped the Comics Code last year? I thought that was a pretty ballsy move, and I was even hip to them instituting their own in-house rating system. Except their rating system is fucked. NEW X-MEN, which last week featured a gag about Multiple Man cloning himself for a one-man orgy, gets a PG rating. The entire ULTIMATE line is exempted, getting an automatic “all ages” rating, despite the fact that it’s so clearly aimed at a teens and up audience.
And then there’s SPIDER-MAN/BLACK CAT. It gets a PG rating too, and yet I felt like some parental watchdog group as I read it, mentally tallying up all the inappropriate moments. Okay, we all knew the Black Cat was going to be played as pure eye candy in the Dodsons’ hands, as surely as Christina Applegate was on MARRIED WITH CHILDREN, so the cheesecake opening shower scene didn’t bother me. But what about the unpleasant drug O.D.’s? What about the pedophile Hollywood actor? What about the cheap gay jokes? The male-fantasy revelation that the Black Cat is bisexual? What about Smith’s juvenile inclusion of the “f” word from a thug with a broken jaw (his dialogue: “Hu hroke hy haw, hou huck!” translates to “You broke my jaw, you fuck.”)? I suppose I might’ve expected it from the same writer who hinted heavily at oral sex scenes in his GREEN ARROW run and suggested a child had been tortured for years on end by the villain. But with GREEN ARROW, the lead was relatively unknown to me and had even headlined a “mature readers” comic for a few years, so I gave the more adult stuff some slack. Spidey, on the other hand, is Marvel’s flagship character, and pretty much my all time favorite superhero hero; Smith’s crap ain’t gonna cut it this time.
Final judgment: This book isn’t terrible, but with ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN and AMAZING SPIDER-MAN working some real magic these days, it’s also not one to bother tracking down. Spidey’s jokes mostly fall flat, there are several cheesy plot contrivances, and the Dodsons’ art is soooo cheesecakey that it’s distracting. Skip it unless you really need a MAXIM fix.
Well, there you have it. All of us @$$holes have sounded off. Now it’s your turn to be heard. Let’er rip.
