Hey folks, Harry here in Vegas! Well, I'm able to walk curvy lines and I see swirling dots everywhere! I've been propositioned, drunk, smoked out of my skull and that was all just in a lounge bar! This is great! I also love that this is a vacation and that tonight I'm going to see Dustin Hoffman introduce a screening of LENNY! Does life ever really get much better than this? Ok, here's Quint... He's working for a living...
Ahoy there, squirts. 'Tis I, the broke, yet still very crusty ol' seaman, Quint, reporting in from Las Vegas, specifically The Gold Coast hotel, on last weekend's biggest premiere and the movie you all are screaming to know a bit about, Bubba Ho-tep.
I got a little bit of everything in this here report. There's a kick-ass interview with director Don Coscarelli, star Bruce Campbell and the original author of the short story of which the film is based on, Joe R. Lansdale. We also have pics of the interview and premiere straight from the QuintCam (TM). Here's a pic of the temporary Bubba Ho-tep poster Don and Co. whipped up for the fest:
I'll leave the heavy reviewing up to Knowles, who's a quite a bit further removed from this project. I do acknowledge my closeness to the film, having spent 2 weeks on set, making friends with the crew members, actors, getting access to the script and even seeing some post production work. I even have a small cameo in the film (can you spot me? hmmmmmmm?) Hell, some of you may remember that report I wrote a few years back from the Anchor Bay screening of Halloween... (here http://www.aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=7284) The end of that report has somehow disappeared, but it's still a fun read. I met Bruce for the first time there and heard Don talk to him about being in this film way back when. I haven't been around this project since the first day, but I've been around it for quite a while.
So, I'll give up the review. It's a fair trade as the movie kicks ass and I can say, "I was there! I talked to Bruce as Elvis! Sucka!" If there is a God of Cinema, then the heavens will open up, spilling enlightenment on studio execs and all you fine folks will be able to see this film as it was meant to be seen: on the big screen with a screaming, laughing audience. I'll be keeping my ear to the ground for you folks, updating you with any and all distribution information that I hear.
Rest assured that I dig the hell out of the movie and I think most of you folks will fucking love the movie. If the idea of a 68 year old Elvis teaming up with an elderly, black JFK to take out a mummy who's sucking the souls out of the elderly inhabitants of an East Texas rest home sounds like a good time for you, then you won't be disappointed.
So, now for the interview. Just a bit of setup. I had no idea author Joe R. Lansdale was going to be there. I didn't feel uncomfortable, though. I've talked to Joe a few times... No biggie. Here is an idea of how to hear each of the participants... Bruce is... well, Bruce. If you've ever seen Bruce in his full charming, smart-ass glory than you can ear him below. Joe R. Lansdale's a Texas boy, who sounds a lot like Dana Carvey's imitation of Ross Perot, minus the whine. Very fast talking, very heavy accented, very cool and funny guy. Don is like a father figure. Kind and deep voiced.
Now, Bruce does take over the interview for a while... making this interview very fun and conversational. Bruce actually puts me to shame. I admit it. But while he pursues acting for a living, you still have to put up with me. I do get around to asking him about Spider-Man 2 and he breaks some amazing Evil Dead 4 news (::snicker::)... yeah... Anyway, enjoy the interview, it's a lot of fun. See ya' on the other side!
Bruce Campbell, Don Coscarelli, Joe R. Lansdale and... Quint.
QUINT: SO, IT'S FINALLY COME TO FRUITION. LAST YEAR...
BRUCE CAMPBELL: It has, but before we stop... before we start... (LAUGHS) I don't wanna stop... Joe, where did this idea come from? Where the HELL did Bubba Ho-tep come from? It's the weirdest script I've ever read and I have to blame someone and it's you.
JOE R. LANSDALE: I was jokin' with a guy one time... we were talkin' about mummy movies, how we liked mummy movies when we were kids...
BRUCE CAMPBELL: What, nobody makes good mummy pictures any more? (everybody laughs)
JOE R. LANSDALE: Then, I said, "Gee, you know, if we had it in East Texas it'd be like a Bubba Ho-tep."
BRUCE CAMPBELL: How did the Elvis thing come in?
JOE R. LANSDALE: The Elvis thing is... What happens is this guy said, "I want you to do an Elvis story for me." So, I had this idea of the mummy already in there. Secondly of all, my mother had been in a rest home, so I had been around there...
BRUCE CAMPBELL: You sorta knew the East Texas Rest Home thing...
JOE R. LANSDALE: Yeah. She had certain injuries and stuff so she had to have 24 hour care, so I was there all the time and so you just start pickin' up all that stuff and it blended together. And I'm just sorta screwed up thinking anyway.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Well, what about the puss and penis' and cancer and such?
DON COSCARELLI: Yeah, where did that come from?
JOE R. LANSDALE: Well, you know, I couldn't tell ya'.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Because I gotta tell you... That's the nasty... You got Elvis putting salve on his puss-ridden penis in an East Texas Rest Home... That's how the movie begins!!! When I first read it, I was all, "What is Don... What the hell are they talking about?!?"
JOE R. LANSDALE: One of the strange things, though, is you nailed it right on. I did a lot of research on Elvis. I read a lot of books, not all of them true, of course... things with people's opinions and whatever, but a lot of true stuff, so I just blended it all, took the mythology and took the stuff I knew, too, and put him in this home. I said, "He'd be damn cranky about now, wouldn't he?" Boy, you nailed it.
QUINT: HOW'D THE FIRST PERSON TO READ THE STORY REACT?
JOE R. LANSDALE: Oh, the editor loved it. Other people read it and said, "Oh, my God. What the hell're you thinkin'?" It was up for some awards...
DON COSCARELLI: Joe, wasn't it going to go into some kind of Elvis Book?
JOE R. LANSDALE: It did... It was called 'Elvis is Dead' or 'Elvis Is... Something.' A bunch of stories...
DON COSCARELLI: Weren't they all after his death?
JOE R. LANSDALE: Oh, yeah. Lou Reed did one and I did one. I forget, just a ton of different people did stories. I think it was called 'The King Is Dead.' The title changed several times. People have been talking about that story for years.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Well, when was the story done, written, completed?
JOE R. LANSDALE: Mid-'90s.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: So, it's seven years in the making!
JOE R. LANSDALE: Well, Don and I have really been trying to set together for at least 10 or 12 years.
DON COSCARELLI: That's right. I went down to East Texas back in, I think, '91 or '92...
JOE R. LANSDALE: Somewhere in there, yeah.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: But wait... How could that be if your story hadn't been written?
JOE R. LANSDALE: Well, we were trying to do somethin' together, not that one.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Ooooohhhhh... (TURNS TO ME) How'm I doin'? Am I doing OK? Pretty good so far? (EVERYBODY LAUGHS)
QUINT: DOIN' GREAT. KEEP IT UP.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: So, you guys have been talking about doing something for 10 years?
JOE R. LANSDALE: Oh, yeah. He's optioned other stuff of mine.
DON COSCARELLI: Yeah, I had optioned Dead In The West and couldn't get it put together. Matter of fact, him and I went on a sojourn to New York once 'cause there was a woman who was...
JOE R. LANSDALE: Well, we almost got it going, then she got fired. (EVERYBODY LAUGHS)
BRUCE CAMPBELL: I hate it when that happens!
JOE R. LANSDALE: We went in and we gave this pitch and I have to tell you... I was WONDERFUL. It was the best damn pitch anybody ever gave...
BRUCE CAMPBELL: You burned up that room?
JOE R. LANSDALE: Oh, there were tears, there was laughter...
BRUCE CAMPBELL: And that was before the meeting even started, right? (LAUGHS ALL AROUND)
JOE R. LANSDALE: Then when the meeting started...
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Hahahahaha... Well, thanks for your time, guys... (LAUGHS)
QUINT: WELL, THIS IS THE EASIEST INTERVIEW I'VE EVER DONE. (LAUGHS) SO, HOW DID BUBBA FIND ITS WAY TO YOU, BRUCE? WE KNOW HOW DON GOT IT...
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Through Don. Don contacted me a while ago...
DON COSCARELLI: I was actually on the phone with Sam Raimi and I was telling him about the stuff I was up to...
BRUCE CAMPBELL: What the hell were you on the phone with Sam Raimi for? You mean Sam "Spider-Man" Raimi? (EVERYBODY LAUGHS)
DON COSCARELLI: I hadn't talked to Sam since the late '80s when he was doing Darkman and I went down to the set with some guys. I got a phone call in '94, I hadn't talked to Sam in, like, 5 years, and it was inviting me to a reissue screening of Close Encounters in Westwood that Sam was hosting... with his phone number. I thought, 'Well, that's kinda weird.' I couldn't make it, so I called Sam up and he said, "I'm not having any screening. What are you talking about?" It was some sort of phone prank.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Oh, it was?!?!?
DON COSCARELLI: Yeah. So, it kinda got us reconnected and then...
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Jesus!!! This all came about because of a phone prank!!! (EVERYBODY LAUGHS)
DON COSCARELLI: Yeah, from this weird, wacko horror fan.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: So, you guys got to talking?
DON COSCARELLI: Yeah. He asked what I was up to, so I told him about this short story that I optioned and he said, "Well, you should talk to Bruce Campbell. He's a great actor." (EVERYBODY LAUGHS, WITH BRUCE EMITTING WHAT COULD ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS A HUGE BELLY LAUGH) Then I called you or you called me... whatever... and we got together for a lunch...
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Wait, wait, wait. But after you... I had it for a while. You sent it to me, then...
DON COSCARELLI: You see, then I went away and made Phantasm IV 'cause I couldn't get any funding for Bubba. It was like a 3 year lag...
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Right, but the point is... it was a weird lull, but obviously I remembered it immediately. "Yeah, the guy who puts the salve on his dick with the puss... That movie!"
JOE R. LANSDALE: That was the investors... "Hmmm... salve on the dick... I think I'll pass." (EVERYBODY LAUGHS) You can cut to chase right away. If they want to invest you know right away. If they can't handle the salve on the dick part...
BRUCE CAMPBELL: But wait, but then you finally made it, though. What made it come back?
DON COSCARELLI: Well, because I finished Phantasm IV and we made good money on it. I was looking around for another project that could be done on a low budget...
BRUCE CAMPBELL: And you said, "To Hell with it... I'm gonna make the salve on the dick movie." (LAUGHS)
DON COSCARELLI: What's really funny is when I got that short story, I was always thinking... To Dick or Not To Dick. Are we going to put that in?
JOE R. LANSDALE: I would have thought you would Not To Dick. I was surprised you Dicked. I told you you couldn't do this movie! Do you remember that? He asked me to do a screenplay! I said, are you crazy?!? You can't do that!
DON COSCARELLI: But I think when you see the finished movie now, it's just a minor part and it's sorta subtly done. We never show anything...
JOE R. LANSDALE: He (Bruce) enjoyed that scene a lot though.
DON COSCARELLI: Oh, I think Bruce had a bit of trepidation, 'cause I remember when I called you (Bruce) back again once we were going, one of his first questions was, "Are you going to show the dick?"
BRUCE CAMPBELL: "Are we actually gonna do the dick?" (everybody laughs)
QUINT: WASN'T THERE AN OFFER FROM KNB EFFECTS TO LET YOU GUYS USE THE BOOGIE NIGHTS PROSTHETIC? (LAUGHTER ALL AROUND)
DON COSCARELLI: That's right! They wanted to put a big green and yellow thing on the end of it.
JOE R. LANSDALE: No, no. That would have been a bad choice.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: I think that would have been a dick overload. (LAUGHS) I think the audience would have left.
QUINT: DON, WHAT WAS THE MOST DIFFICULT PART ABOUT ADAPTING JOE'S STORY?
DON COSCARELLI: The absolute most difficult part was there was so much beautiful exposition within the context of the story. Most of it just fell right into the word processor. The dialogue was pretty much there. We extended it out a little bit, added that scarab beetle stuff, but the hardest part was to integrate Elvis' voice. That was a decision that ultimately wasn't made until about the last five minutes of production. We shot the movie and I had edited and went through all these versions...
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Right, there was that narration, a separate narration.
DON COSCARELLI: A third person narrator...
JOE R. LANSDALE: Remember I told you that wouldn't work. (everybody laughs)
DON COSCARELLI: The funny thing about it though is I watched the movie with this narrator and as he would read the exposition that Joe had I just loved it! I would show little versions of it on video to people and they would say, "Gotta get rid of the narrator. Everything's great! Get rid of the narrator" Finally, it was the last screening with Roger Avary where he said, "Don, have Bruce do the narration." We had some Bruce narration and some third party. Then Bruce came over to the editing trailer last September, we got the DV camera and he just read 'em all and we cut it in.
JOE R. LANSDALE: Well, you know, I read the script before it was a film and I read the script and said, "That's the only thing I don't like. I love the script, but I tell you what... those two narrators..."
BRUCE CAMPBELL: And too much dick. (LAUGHS)
QUINT: CUT THE DICK AND DROP THE NARRATION AND YOU GOT A PERFECT FILM! (LAUGHS)
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Yeah, you gotta get the right proportions.
QUINT: BRUCE, IT SEEMS YOU HAD TO STEP INTO SOME MIGHTY BIG... WELL... SUEDE SHOES HERE AS ELVIS...
BRUCE CAMPBELL: No, not true. Not true at all. No one has ever played Elvis at 68. No one can every say that my imitation of Elvis sucks because you don't know. I'm taking that stance. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
QUINT: SO NO TREPIDATION AT ALL?
BRUCE CAMPBELL: No trepidation whatsoever. Because look... He's a cranky bastard who has cancer on his dick. That's not the Elvis that we knew. (everybody laughs) It's not the Elvis we know and love, you know. When they put the Elvis stamp out, it's the thin Elvis, not the Hawaii Comeback Elvis. This whole movie is beyond the Hawaii Comeback, this is Elvis in the gutter with a bottle in his hand, basically. It's sad. So, there were no big shoes to fill. It was strictly a character... it was completely...
DON COSCARELLI: An original.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: No, well... That's bullshit.(everybody laughs) That's my excuse, but it's...
JOE R. LANSDALE: What I like is you have that latitude. You (Bruce) did a great thing though. He did that caricature of Elvis and underneath it he did the character. I thought that was damn hard. That's what I thought would be the problem, that'd it be Looney Tunes on the front or with everybody trying to do it real, real seriously. You did both!
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Yeah, I guess. I don't know. Half of it's with the makeup. Once you put the hair and the sideburns on you're halfway there, but you have to be Elvis. You can't be anyone else. You know, so the documentaries I watched were the latter half. (everybody laughs) Elvis on the way out.
QUINT: YOU AND OSSIE DAVIS HAVE AN AMAZING CHEMISTRY IN THIS FILM. NOW, I DIDN'T SEE ANY OF THAT ON SET BECAUSE OSSIE HAD LEFT BEFORE I GOT THERE. WAS IT JUST A NATURAL SPARK OR WAS IT SOMETHING YOU TWO WORKED AT?
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Oh, you can't plan that crap. It's like when you have a costar who's a woman and, you know, if you're not clicking and you're supposed to you are dead. You can't manufacture that crap. Ossie I just have tremendous amount of respect for. He's an elder statesman. Half the time I just kept going, "Ossie, what the hell are you doing in this movie? I'm supposed to be in a movie like this, not you!" Thank you, Ossie. Thank you for showing up. What it is, is it gives you validation when a real actor says (in his best Ossie impression) "I think I'll do that piece." My favorite line of his is... There's a line with the word "asshole" in it and Ossie would say, "Ozzole." He's such a refined actor. I just liked him. We got along and that doesn't always happen. That helps, it all helps. When the actors get along.
DON COSCARELLI: You know, he'd always brighten up when he saw you coming, Bruce. He genuinely liked Bruce.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Well, as actors... Well, misery loves company.
QUINT: YOU ALSO HAD A FEW SCENES WITH REGGIE IN THIS MOVIE...
BRUCE CAMPBELL: That's right. The one and only Reggie Bannister.
QUINT: SO, YOU STILL UP FOR KICKING SOME TALL MAN ASS WITH HIM?
BRUCE CAMPBELL: I'm not sure if Reggie's up to it, but I'll help him out. It's been a long time, you know. Reggie's done it, what, four times now?
QUINT: HE'S GETTIN' OLD.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Yeah, someone's gonna have to help him next time. Like Evil Dead 4... I'd have to have a little sidekick.
QUINT: A MINI-ASH?
BRUCE CAMPBELL: (Big laugh)
QUINT: THIS QUESTION'S FOR ALL OF YOU. WHAT DO YOU THINK AUDIENCES ARE GOING TO TAKE AWAY FROM THE MOVIE?
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Well, here's my question. Let me jump in. Have you guys seen it with a crowd yet?
DON COSCARELLI: No.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: You haven't?
DON COSCARELLI: The one Joe and (Quint) watched was about 12 people.
QUINT: IT WAS A GOOD AUDIENCE, THOUGH.
JOE R. LANSDALE: Lotta laughin' goin' on.
DON COSCARELLI: They laughed in the right spots, so...
BRUCE CAMPBELL: I'm dyin' to know. That's why I'm here. I mean, I love you guys, but the reason I'm here is to see this stupid movie.
JOE R. LANSDALE: One of the biggest laughs that kinda surprised me was "Let's get decadent." That was a big laugh.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: That's weird. There are some that you think are just gonna break the house down and they just POOF... Nothing. Then other lines just come outta nowhere and people go, "Ahhhhhahahhaha." So, what are people gonna take away from this movie?
QUINT: YEAH. WHAT ARE YOU HOPING TO GIVE PEOPLE WITH THIS FILM?
DON COSCARELLI: Oh, I think we'll give them a little closure on the real Elvis.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: What happened to Elvis? (SERIOUS BELLY LAUGH) He was taken from people. He was taken at an early age. In their minds everybody has an image... No one has the image of, I believe it was, "Straining at stool." No one has that image... unfortunately I do. That's my image of Elvis. But he just disappeared one day. It wasn't a long illness or anything.
JOE R. LANSDALE: The thing that struck me about the whole thing was the dignity of old age. Just 'cause you're old doesn't mean you can't have dignity or can't make some sort of effort that's of value. Of course, in this it's a superhuman effort... It's a movie.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: That's right. We're trying to kill a damn mummy.
JOE R. LANSDALE: There's a damn mummy takin' things out, but the thing is I think that's what works for me. The fact that you have these elderly guys that say, "Well, shit, man. We're going to go for this one last roundup." It's kinda like Ride the High Country.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: It's Ride the High Country with cancer.
JOE R. LANSDALE: That'll warm 'em. You outta put that on the poster. "Ride the High Country With Cancer." That'll just pull them in in droves. (laughs)
QUINT: I'VE BEEN GETTING EMAILS FROM PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD SINCE I STARTED THOSE SET REPORTS LAST YEAR WANTING TO KNOW WHEN THEY CAN SEE BUBBA HO-TEP. DO YOU HAVE ANY SORT OF PLAN FOR DISTRIBUTION RIGHT NOW, DON?
BRUCE CAMPBELL: So, Don, what's the answer?
DON COSCARELLI: We'll know at 7:00 tonight!
QUINT: WELL, WHAT ARE YOU AIMING FOR?
DON COSCARELLI: Well, there are some distributors here tonight and we're going to start showing it around next week and we're hoping...
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Look, in the independent world you gotta finish the bastard before you sell it. It's now officially ready to see the world and this is a good launch. Where else better than Viva Las Vegas? I have an Elvis pin I'm going to wear tonight!!!
JOE R. LANSDALE: I bet he's gonna get the best reviews he's ever got for his acting. Man, you were incredible. The fact that you worked on two levels simultaneously, not separately, that amazes me.
QUINT: I WAS ACTUALLY TALKING TO HARRY ABOUT THE MOVIE AND HE WAS SAYING HE THOUGHT YOU AS ELVIS WAS BETTER THAN ASH.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Well, Ash is just an idiot. (everybody laughs)
JOE R. LANSDALE: My friend, Eugene, came and thought he was just gonna see a little horror film and he doesn't like horror films at all. He said, "Damn, that was good. Campbell was great!"
BRUCE CAMPBELL: It's not a horror film, though. That's why I jumped all over it. Here's what I realized about Bubba Ho-tep... Regardless of whether you liked the movie or not, whether it's good or bad, it's not your standard stalk and slash movie. I think people are sick of that and they're also sick of the UPN/WB cast "Umf-ch-umf-ch" soundtrack movies...
JOE R. LANSDALE: Do that again! (laughs)
BRUCE CAMPBELL: These movies where they're really pretty and just get killed one by one... They're just these formula movies that just make me wanna barf. I read this and said, "You know what? No one's going to lambaste this movie as a throwaway exploitation movie because it's just too freakin' weird." No one's going to say that about this movie. Bubba Ho-tep... I just go, I don't know what it is, folks, just go see it!
JOE R. LANSDALE: People that ask me... I say, love it or hate it, you won't come out sayin' there are two just like it.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: It's true. It's a unique take and it's a ridiculous combination of ideas.
QUINT: OBVIOUSLY YOU GUYS ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO THE SCREENING TONIGHT...
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Honestly, very few movies I've done in years... Well, normally they go straight to video so there is no screening! (laughs) It's actually nice to be in a movie that can actually be shown in a goddamn theater! Seriously, it's almost always, "Well, I'm just gonna shoot this on 16mm 'cause it's just going to go straight to the Sci-Fi Channel anyway..."
JOE R. LANSDALE: I'm in a great position here because it's very much like my story and if the audience loves it I can say, "Hey, they did a really good job." If they don't, I can go, "Hey, they fucked it up. (everybody laughs) I begged him not to do that... I begged and begged and begged."
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Our lawyers are talking. (laughs)
DON COSCARELLI: I'm worried more about strange things happening. We had a sneak preview once on Phantasm and there was this drunk woman in the front row and she started heckling the movie. It's like you can't get up and go down there...
BRUCE CAMPBELL: And ring her neck! You know what? They can talk all they want through this movie 'cause they'll have to pay attention. They won't know what strange salve moment they're gonna get next.
QUINT: I'M BEING SIGNALED, SO I'M GONNA NEED TO WRAP IT UP HERE, BUT I HAVE TO ASK YOU, BRUCE... THE RUMOR MILL IS CHURNING OUT REPORT AFTER REPORT THAT SAM RAIMI IS PULLING TO GET YOU A SIZEABLE ROLE IN SPIDER-MAN 2. I NEED TO ASK ABOUT YOUR INVOLVEMENT.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: I've never read anything that he has said (about it). You'd have to show it to me for me to believe it. All I know is Sam went (BRUCE IN BEST HIGH PITCHED, NASAL SAM RAIMI VOICE) "Hey, buddy! You wanna be in the next one?" "Um, yeah, sure." "OK, pal! Bye!" So, that's how Sam works. Then I'll get a phone call saying, "OK, you're the Ice Cream truck driver." "Oh really?" "Yeah, big part for ya'! Pivotal role!" But Sam's smart. Sam knows that now through the end of time I can always claim I gave Spider-Man his name. Sam gives me the best roles. Not always the biggest roles, but he gives me the best roles.
QUINT: WHAT'S NEXT FOR ALL YOU GUYS?
BRUCE CAMPBELL: I'm doing a play right now. It's Shane, as a stage play.
JOE R. LANSDALE: Shane! It's one of my favorite novels.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: They actually adapted it from the book, not the movie.
QUINT: WHAT ABOUT YOUR BOOK? ISN'T THE PAPER BACK DUE OUT SOON?
BRUCE CAMPBELL: The paper back is comin' out this fall. But there're new pages!!!
QUINT: WHAT ABOUT YOU, JOE?
JOE R. LANSDALE: I'm finishing a novel and I've got a couple of things that have been optioned. We'll see what happens.
QUINT: SO, DON... WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DIRTY JOKE? (NOTE: JOKE WAS SENT VIA EMAIL AS DON WAS UNABLE TO COME UP WITH ON ON THE SPOT!!!)
DON COSCARELLI: Because his son wasn't the brightest kid in the world, old Hillbilly Joe took him to the outhouse one day to teach him how to urinate properly. "Now you lissen good, Dan'l, 'cuz here's whatcha gotta do.
One: Take out your penie-pipe.
Two: Pull back the foreskin.
Four: Push back your foreskin.
Five: Put your equipment back."
The boy said he understood, but the next day while he was working at his still, Joe's wife came running over. "Oh, Joe, Joe, come quick! Dan'l went ta piss an' won't come out of the outhouse!"
"Hell, whut's he doin' in there?" Joe said.
I dunno. He jess keeps sayin' "Two-four, two-four, two-four......"
See, I told ya' it was a cool interview. A few hours after the interview was the premiere. I was in line when Bruce showed up with his lovely wife, Ida and he seemed to be followed by half the cast and crew of the film. I saw faces I hadn't seen in a year. There was the beautiful Heidi Marnhout (remember her? The sphere tittied beauty from Phantasm IV?) and the hilarious Ella Joyce. I saw cast and crew members of all levels. It was a big event and it was great to see these guys (and gals) again.
Bruce was immediately caught by the camera guys running around the fest and struck a few Elvis poses.
The place was packed and it was a great screening. The audience laughed, screamed, cheered... It was awesome. Then Bruce, Don and Joe did a Q&A. Bruce had to put up with some fanboys (God Bless 'em) and it was vastly entertaining. One of them asked if they could get a hug and Bruce quickly responded with, "No! Can I punch you in the face?" Talk turned to the salve/penis thing and the group was discussing what they would do in that situation and someone up front shouted "You could cut it off with a chainsaw." You could feel the eyes roll in the audience. Like I said, God Bless the geeky fanboys. They make the world go round.
I've heard rumors of Freddie Prinze Jr. and Drew Barrymore wandering around the fest and even heard they were at the Bubba Ho-tep screening. I didn't see them and don't think they could have just sneaked in, but just in case... Drew... If you're still in Las Vegas, give me a call! PALMS Hotel (702-942-7777), ask for the codename: Eric Vespe! I've had a crush on you since I was 5 years old!!! Freddie... um... you don't need to call... yeah... no offense... You might tie up the line when Drew is calling... You understand, right?
Well, squirts, I'm off to bed. It's been a long day. I've had to change hotels to accommodate my depleted pocket book and the amazing jump in hotel prices the closer the weekend gets. The day has also seen the further lightening of my wallet, the majority of its contents currently resting in the Palms Hotel and Casino's vault, courtesy of Kenny, the Blackjack dealer. Not only all that, but I didn't make it to one movie today. Moving, losing my money at the tables and getting this report out to you took priority today, unfortunately. I did however get to see John Ritter in the flesh, though. Not bad, eh?
Anyway, time for me to shove off. Be back soon with lots of reviews of the movies I have seen in the last few days... That is if Rod Steiger doesn't kill me tomorrow! I'll explain later. 'Til that day, this is Quint bidding you all a fond farewell and adieu.