Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
I knew Massawyrm was in the Labs this afternoon before I saw him or he even said a word. The distinct funk that results from a diet of pretty much nothing but Dr. Pepper and cigarettes hit me like a wet blanket, and I did what any reasonable person would do. I spun around, doused Massawyrm in a random chemical from my desk, and lit him on fire. It didn’t necessarily make him smell “good,” but it was definitely an improvement.
Later, as we checked him into the burn ward, he remembered why he had stopped by in the first place and gave me this review:
The worst thing to happen to John Woo and his beautiful talent was the American film studio system.
Exhibit A: Windtalkers.
Now let me get this out in the open right away: this film will play very well "in the heartland". I expect to get a call from my parents this weekend urging me to go see this "wonderful war film". The masses will buy tickets, they will awe at the pyrotechnic displays, they will shed tears for the tragic heroes and they will walk out happy. I know, I sat between two families at the screening tonight who did just that. Hell most of the theatre did just that.
Most of the theatre also would be remise to name at least one of Woo's Hong Kong films or more than two of his American ones. This, sadly, is not a John Woo film. Oh, sure, his name is right there on it and I'm sure he was behind the camera every moment, but gone is the Woo we geeks know and love.
Now I'm not saying this because this is a terrible movie and I just can't bare the thought of John Woo directing such a thing. Quite the contrary. I didn't think it sucked and it doesn't hurt me to think of him directing crap. He's done it before. Anyone remember Hard Target, the movie that could have been cool if Chow Yun Fat had come over with Woo to make it, that instead was the last public gasp of a fading star? At least that LOOKED like a John Woo Film. Windtalkers doesn't even bear the shadows of the man's soul.
You see, what was so great about John Woo was despite all his faults as a filmmaker (and yes, even a die hard fan like myself admits he has a few. Anyone but me ever scratch their head over the huge freaking jump cut in Bullet In the Head? Did you think your tape had broken and been spliced as well?) at least he had a definitive style. He had the balls to kill off major characters without warning and without giving them a deathbed soliloquy. He showed us that mass destruction could be a graceful ballet of bullets, that stunt choreography was the difference between a cleverly written gunfight and a truly amazing one. John Woo redefined the action film the world over.
And then he came here. And now he's made windtalkers. Forget the 5 (6) Wooisms (Helicopters, exploding barrels, both guns akimbo, motorcycles, Mexican standoffs and sometimes birds.) Forget angst ridden slow-mos. Forget that this guy has burned images into our skulls that will never leave us, that he once made us weep at the most ironic thing we've ever seen (two blinded lovers crawling toward one another during a gunfight and missing by mere feet), that he knows how to make action that drops our jaws. Forget all that because this is not the same John Woo.
This is a John Woo under the mysterious mind control of studio executives. This is a Jedi Mind Fucked Woo programmed to make the most pedestrian of American war films. Just how pedestrian? If John Wayne were making war movies today, this would have been the film he would have starred in. Now I’m not disrespecting Wayne, what I’m saying is this: Imagine every John Wayne war film you’ve ever seen. Now take the most common elements of those films, add in lots of sheer violence (but not nearly as bloody, harsh, realistic or well choreographed as Blackhawk Down) and then throw in some of the old stock footage (I shit you not) for good measure. Now have it star Nicolas Cage and Mark Ruffulo. There, got the movie firmly in your head? Good. You have all just seen Windtalkers. I’m expecting a call any moment now from MGM about the free screening I’ve just held.
This movie hits every cliché in the cache your average war film has. Racist hick who sees the error of his ways? Yup. Traumatic flashbacks to battles in which the whole platoon was wiped out? Uh huh. Mindless screaming axis enemies with not a shred of soul or humanity coming out of every available opening? Yes sir. And is that a picture of your girl back home, a letter from your sweetie or a wedding ring that you’re fondling? Shit dude, you’re dead in the next real guaranteed.
This is a fire and forget it film. A year from now the word ‘Windtalkers’ will be nothing but a “Yeah, yeah, ‘Windtalkers’. I saw that. Nicolas Cage was in that one, right?” Nothing more. There will be no nominations, no discussions of it’s relevancy, no angry geeks clamoring about it’s getting snubbed by the academy. You will pay, you will see, you will forget.
Now, is this a bad thing? Not for most of America. But for John Woo fans it’s a gut shot, a cheap hit to a glass jaw. Gone is all the grace of motion we attribute to John Woo. And if you go to this film looking for a John Woo movie, you WILL be disappointed. Forget everything you know about John Woo, friends, and maybe, just maybe, you can come out of ‘Windtalkers’ happy as the folks I saw the screening with.
And if you’re a producer, please, please, please, for the love of God, get the hell out of the mans way and let him make his movies again? I want to see one truly amazing American John Woo film before I die. I want to see what he was building to, what he has been softening American audiences up for. Please let this be his dues paying movie that lets him kick all of our asses with whatever his next film is.
Until next time, friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em. I know I will.
Get it? I’m a charcoal briquette with a goatee right now thanks to Moriarty!! Smoke ‘em?! GET IT?!
