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Capone says that Freddie is still his bitch in SCOOBY DOO!

Harry here... Oddly, I'm getting quite a few positive reviews from unknown writers for SCOOBY DOO.... "Plants?" Well, I haven't checked the Miracle-Gro content in the ground, but when all reviews from established known spies seems to be warning of doom, I tend to allow myself to be warned of doom. Meanwhile, I'm in Vegas, where I was getting my funk down with Charo and Tom Jones on an endless parade of alcohol! Wheeeeeee!!!!

Hey, Harry. Capone in Chicago here with a statement I feel I must make. Although it goes without saying, I feel the need the need to reiterate for the purposes of this review: Freddie Prinze Jr. is my bitch. I think my reviews of SUMMER CATCH , HEAD OVER HEELS, and BOYS AND GIRLS speak for themselves, but in case you are new to this site, Junior is my A-Number-1 bitch. I didn’t dabble much in prostitution during my hey-day, but I always made an exception for Junior. He was so pretty that I couldn’t keep him from all those beefy men who lined up around the block to tap a piece of his chiseled ass.

Now, having said that, Junior is not the only reason SCOOBY DOO sucks donkey dick. And having said THAT, I’ll add that Matthew Lillard is surprisingly good as Shaggy. I’m not saying he’s funny or entertaining, but his ability to almost perfectly capture the voice, movements, and facial expressions of the cartoon Shaggy are impressive. This fact doesn’t make the film worth seeing or even worth thinking about for that matter. I’m just throwing it out there as the one thing I was able to cling to while being tortured for the bulk of the 90 minutes that is SCOOBY DOO.

I don’t even know where to begin. The film opens with the end of one of the Mystery Inc. gang’s adventures. The expose faked haunted factory, I think, and then start fighting with each other. The whole gang is mad at Fred (played by Bitch Boy) for taking credit for their heroic efforts. Velma (played convincingly by Linda Cardellini), in particular, is grumpy toward Fred for claiming her plans were his own. Daphne (Buffy herself, Sarah Michelle Gellar, who shows strong evidence of having lost a considerable amount of her acting talents by working and sleeping with Junior) is embarrassed at always being thought of as the one who gets taken hostage and needs saving. Shaggy and Scooby Doo, well they like everybody and just want to see the gang working together in harmony. There are some pretty overt and funny hints that Shaggy may be a major stoner, something I’ve always suspected. The opening sequence is brought to a screeching halt when Pamela Anderson makes a cameo appearance as herself for no reason. All I could think of was: Junior please kiss her and catch her Hepatitis C. Perhaps inspired by Pam’s annoying appearance, the gang breaks up.

A few months later, all the Mystery crew are invited to the theme park/Spring Break getaway resort Spooky Island by its owner, Mondavarious (the completely wasted Rowan Atkinson), who wants the kids to investigate what appears to be a rash of brainwashing island visitors seem to suffer from as they leave the island. From this point on, the movie makes no sense. The plot is basically an excuse to go from one expensive and elaborate set to another without any of them being particularly scary or interesting. And don’t even get me started on the bizarre looking CG title character. I know it’s not supposed to look like a real Great Dane, but give me a break. The interaction between humans and animated characters looked better in ROGER RABBIT or CLASH OF THE TITANS. In his cartoon form, Scooby seemed like smart dog (the thing could talk, you have to give him some credit), who looked as real as the other characters; here he seems like a Shaggy’s retarded cousin with a glandular problem. The only times I laughed at anything Scooby said were at his attempts to sound more hip and funky: “Keepin’ it real!” Upon reflection, maybe it wasn’t that funny.

At this point, I have to confess, I just lost interest. The meddling kids try to find out who’s behind the brainwashing, but it’s hardly a mystery. There’s this strange part of the film where some of the gang are brainwashed themselves and become asshole versions of their otherwise loveable selves. Velma’s bulky turtleneck sweater suddenly becomes a tight, plunging v-neck; her shapeless figure is elevated by a push-up bra; and she loses her glasses. That’s right, Velma gets hot! Too little too late.

Aside from the mostly bad acting, the movie has no comic rhythm. The very unfunny director Raja Gosnell (HOME ALONE 3, NEVER BEEN KISSED, BIG MOMMA’S HOUSE) has collected a group of equally unfunny actors to create the least funny or entertaining film of the year so far. The bar has been officially lowered for 2002. My spleen will pop out of my body if movie makers make me stoop any lower. There were a few faint whispers of hope when Scooby Snacks appeared on the screen or when Scrappy Doo shows up in a flashback sequence as the object as much hatred as he so rightfully deserves. But these moments of hope were fleeting and had me grasping for anything I might be able to O.D. on (I had to settle for Swedish Fish). Heed my warning, people: SCOOBY DOO is pure, uncut shit. And Freddie? Put on that little red wig you look so good in before I pimp slap you.


Freddie, Call Me!

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