JASON X review

Other than "chi chi chi chi ahh ahh ahh ahhh", the various ejaculatory moments of death and the occasional bared breasts of a FRIDAY THE 13TH film there is nothing to recommend ever.

Jason Voorhees has always been a half-assed imitation of Michael Myers… His theme sucks ass in comparison. Jason’s killings were always more creative… He did get to kill in 3-D. However, Jason to me represents everything wrong with the Modern Horror film. He’s a complete non-character. Just a killing machine, you could say the same thing about Myers and the Terminator, but that fucking pale faced Kirk mask was killer… and Ahnuldt infused amazing Austrian flair in his killing machine. In Jason’s films I’ve never once given to shakes at a urinal for a single character in his films. They were… simply, all red shirts.

Now, admittedly the best thing about a FRIDAY THE 13TH film is playing the Jason drinking or toking game (choose your poison wisely). Any time naughty sexual contact occurs take a swig/toke. Any time somebody walks into a dark room calling somebody’s name that they know is dead… take a swig/toke. Finally whenever Jason kills someone, empty your glass/inhale it to the embers.

This can be fun.

Getting severely fucked up has been the only possible step for me to be able to enjoy those films.

Having said that, I’ve been excited about this movie for a while now. WHY?

I mean, I understand looking at it blankly why someone would be skeptical. It is a b-genre film relocated to Space…. This usually means it sucks ass. HELLRAISER sucked in space. HIGHLANDER sucked on another planet.

Well, my interest in the project got started when I heard that David Cronenberg was in the movie in a small role. That guaranteed me in attendance, as I will not miss anything that Cronenberg does at any level of participation. I’m that big of a fan. However, my immediate question when I heard he was in the film was… WHY? Why is David Cronenberg in a FRIDAY THE 13TH movie?

That’s when I discovered that a director by the name of Jim ‘Smash’ Isaac was in charge. Name meant nothing, but because Cronenberg was in the movie I looked him up. His credits included work on NAKED LUNCH, THE FLY, GREMLINS, RETURN OF THE JEDI, eXistenZ, and his only previous directorial job was a pretty sad excuse for a 3rd part of the epic HOUSE trilogy. However, even that had goofy fun-ness with the god Brion James, Lance Henriksen and Lawrence Tierney. However, saying that… HOUSE 3 sucked balls with jagged cavity-ridden teeth. HORRIBLE. Now I had heard that Jim was studying and being taught quite a bit about film from Cronenberg… That they had become friends and that was why he was in it. A Cronenberg Understudy? Could be worth a look.

Now JASON X was written by a first time screenwriter that also had a part in the film… Todd Farmer. Hmmm… Could still suck!

Then, nearly two years ago, Moriarty saw JASON X and had a ton of fun with it. As did John Robie, Flmlvr and a ton of others. Now Moriarty is not a FRIDAY THE 13TH fan. Not at any level really. Well, maybe the Kevin Bacon death in the first one pleased him, but that was about it. I often like to back Moriarty into the film snob category and his liking of this film seemed to run counter to his stuffy Victorian sensibilities about narrative film construction and understanding. Was Moriarty able to be cool enough, or was it the Halfling’s Leaf talking? Hmmm…

Nearly two years later I finally see the movie for myself at an early screening here in Austin. What did I think?

Fun. Goofy. Self-Aware. Cheesy. Fun.

There is more character work for me with this Jason than I have ever seen before. His twitching when he senses someone is having sex… funny stuff. This is the sort of movie that you read a Joe Bob Briggs review and laugh about – corkscrew fu, virtual co-ed fu, de-nippling fu, liquid nitrogen fu, machete-fu, kung fu, gun fu and on and on and on. Over the course of this film, I just got in that Joe Bob mood. That feeling where you realize that the filmmakers didn’t take any of this seriously. The actors didn’t. The screenwriter certainly didn’t… Why should I?

The result is my absolute favorite Jason movie. Now that isn’t high praise, that means that it is the best Jason movie.

This is the first Jason movie where I actually can see that there are real characters that I kinda dig. Where there are some jokes that are really frickin’ funny. JASON X doesn’t play like any of the other Jason films. For one, this movie looks like a zillion bucks. I love the look of the film. These girls are universally hot. And there is nudity. Characters that I genuinely liked… die. And Jason does have a character to take him on and it worked for me.

In a way this movie reminds me of BRIDE OF CHUCKY though not quite as fantastic as that movie. Of course, I feel BRIDE OF CHUCKY is absolute genius… JASON X has that sort of humor, the deadpan ‘oh shit’ feel that the victims have.

There is no deep meanings hidden away in this script other than to not partake in pre-marital sex, booze or drugs… BUT ya know what, fuck that… Jason would kill you whether or not you did those things, but… if you abstain, he might miss you… You might survive, however… would you have ever truly lived if you didn’t partake in drugs, alcohol and pre-marital sex? I mean, isn’t that the cornerstone of this great country. To fuck and be fucked up? I think so. Jason is a prick for trying to squelch our pursuit of happiness. Jason obviously represents the Baptist Church or those fucking Televangelists or Jesse Helms. And they all must be put down.

As a result this movie has something for everyone. You can be a Right Wing Bible Thumping Book Burning Bastard and cheer Jason on as he rids the world of mortal sins… Or if you are a Sin-loving heathen rooting to see the sinners of the world keel over…

Will Freedom Ring? Watch JASON X to see if the truths we hold self-evident are upheld. It’s not just horror, it is our goddamn freedom of speech that is at risk in this movie. Jason represents the fucking MPAA. He’s that hidieous dwarf on stilts and a hockey mask wielding his flesh-editing tool to remove the objectionable according to his own personal code of hypocritical ethics. Jason Voorhees is the MPAA.

Kill the bastard, and he comes back more slick, more powerful and more evil than ever.

Go Teenage Sex Deviants! Go Kinky Archeology Professor! Go Terminatrix Hottie! Go Tony Todd Lookalike Badass Sgt! You are all that stands between us and the evil that is the MPAA.

Ok, see… this is how you have fun with a fun JASON movie. Hehehehe