Hey folks, Harry here with the latest from that lemon-sucking seaman, Quint... He ventured off to see THE SCORPION KING, while I was on my way to see Clara Bow's "IT". Due to a book commitment, I couldn't do both (sadly) but Quint took in THE SCORPION KING and came out feeling like one of Lloyd Kaufman's gyno-american 'tards. Here he is...
Ahoy, squirts! 'Tis I, the always cookin' crusty ol' seaman, Quint, here to give you folks my opinion on The Rock's starring debut, The Scorpion King. This movie can be summed up in one word: Mediocre. Never really involving, yet never offensively terrible. It has some cool moments and characters and has some bad moments and characters. The film is in a constant state of flux... a cinematic tug o' war where the ribbon tied to the center is constantly being jerked over the lines of good and bad, then back again, eventually ending up in a tie, with neither side winning.
Take The Rock himself, for example. In this film you can see enough natural charisma showing through that when he gives a terrible line delivery it hurts even more than it would if he was just bad throughout. The Rock couldn't act himself out of a wet paper bag, but in this kind of film, in this kind of role, you don't need to be a good actor. Take Conan the Barbarian. I love this film to death. Arnold, as much as I love him, also can't really act... well, that's not true, he can play Arnold, but that's about the end of his range. Arnold and The Rock have that and a distinct look in common, but Arnold did something at the very beginning of his career that The Rock needs to do if he wants to make it as an action star.
Arnold surrounded himself with amazingly talented people. He went from mediocre stuff like The Villain, which didn't get him recognized or any other jobs, to Conan the Barbarian, a blessed production headed by an incredibly talented director, John Milius. Then The Terminator, again a blessed production headed by an amazing director (James Cameron). Through his ups and down, Schwarzenegger always found himself on the level when surrounding himself with great storytellers. For every Kindergarten Cop and Jingle All the Way, there was a Total Recall (Verhoeven) and Predator (John McTiernan). Even his cheesy stuff, like Commando and Conan the Destroyer are perfectly played out. Sure, they're stupid movies, but goddamn if they aren't a lot of fun. I still get a smile when thinking about Commando. "Wait, you promised to kill me last!" "I lied."
In short (or not), The Rock is in a very interesting place right now. If he doesn't start surrounding himself with great people, up and coming talents or established filmmakers, then his destiny will be entwined with those of past wrestlers who tried to break out and he'll find himself doing his own Mr. Nanny or Santa Claus With Muscles sooner than he realizes.
In The Scorpion King, he's really not given much to do. The script is weak, the characters are one dimensional and the choreography is OK at best. Chuck Russell can be a very good director and Jonathan Hales is a talented writer... I find it hard to believe The Scorpion King is a result of their collaboration. I'm willing to bet very little of Hales's work on the screenplay made it into the final film untouched by another writer. And Chuck Russell? He directed my favorite Nightmare on Elm Street sequel, Dream Warriors, and did a fun job with The Blob remake... maybe he should try monster movies again 'cause he's not on a terribly great run right now. I hope he did everything he could with the material given to him, but after Bless the Child, I don't know what to think. I hope he comes back and makes me love his work again.
Michael Clarke Duncan can take almost sole credit for keeping this film from toppling over into the bad movie territory. At the beginning you might not think so... he's kinda off when you first see him and his scar make-up is almost distractingly bad. The lines he has to say feel uncomfortable coming out of his mouth, but that's only at the beginning. The next time we see him, he just starts kicking ass and doesn't stop 'til the credits role. He has the single best scene in the film, the one scene that I can look back on and say "Now that's what I'm talkin' about." I won't ruin it because I'm sure a good many of you are going to go see this film no matter what I or any other critic or review has to say, but just know that I'm talking about the scene immediately following The Rock's love scene. The scene is nothing big, just a small detail, but these little character details can mean the world when it comes to a popcorn flick like The Scorpion King. The Fire Ant scene was pretty cool, too, but more in a funny stupid way than a great character detail way.
The villain, played by Steven Brand, is fairly unthreatening. I never really believed The Rock couldn't take him down. He's no James Earl Jones, that's for damn sure. He wasn't bad, just didn't have any opportunity to show any real danger for our hero. That's another thing... Wasn't The Scorpion King supposed to be a baddy? He's not even an anti-hero in this movie. Sure, he's a killer for hire, but he seems to only kill the bad guys. Not only that, but he teams up with the Comedic Sidekick (literally... that's the character's name... go check out IMDB if you don't believe me), he saves kids, he falls in love with his target and rides a cute and cuddly camel. It's possible they're saving the "turn" for the next sequel, but come on... He was brought up to be this great bad guy and in two movies he's failed to be that which was promised. In Mummy Returns he's a bad CG effect and in The Scorpion King... he's not even a bad guy...
Wrapping up, this movie is, again, very mediocre. It has it's ups and downs, strikes and gutters, sevens and snake eyes and barely breaks even. If you insist on seeing this film, I say go on ahead, but try for a matinee price. That might take the sting out a bit. If you're still trying to decide whether you're going to see the movie or not... What can I say? The movie's not offensively bad, but does that make it worth the ticket price? In the end, that's your call.
I'm off, squirts. I'll return with some more goodness, including my very first movie junket coverage. 'Til that day, this is Quint bidding you all a fond farewell and adieu.
-Quint
email: If you have a real purty mouth and live in Dallas, drop me an email and we'll swag our decks!
