Hey folks, Harry here... The first sign of the apocalypse was Opie's Purty Noggin' winning Best Picture, now the once mighty Joe Hallenbeck likes SCOOBY DOO! Oh, and there was that EASY RIDER Diet Pepsi ad... This night we've collectively taken 3 big steps towards the end of existence. Yee hawwww, we'z all gonna dieeeeee.... Here's the neutered Joe Hallenbeck....
During the course of my life four works defined who and what I am as a person. These four works were dream projects of mine - dreams that I'm quite sure are shared with thousands like me. The four projects had never been filmed until recently. Three of these films already came out. The first was Dr. Seuss' Masterpiece HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS. This was and STILL is a tale that can melt even my heart of ice. I had always dreamed of making a feature film version of this story. Alas, Opie and Company beat me to it. The result was a successful wretched piece of shit that made me want to take my bat out on Ron and make him meet Aunt Bee in the great Mayberry in the sky. However, I told myself that this was the man responsible for NIGHT SHIFT, SPLASH, GUNG HO, WILLOW and PARENTHOOD, so instead I turned my aggressions on some Scientologist I met on an airplane . . .
The second of these films I dreamed of making was X-MEN. I was surprised Bryan Singer didn't fuck this puppy up. I was scared to death that he would „Schumacher" it up, but thankfully he didn‚t. I only hope that with the next film he'll have a bigger budget and a longer running time to fully flesh out all the intricacies of our favorite mutants.
The third "dream" film was none other than LORD OF THE RINGS. We all know how that turned out so I won't even bother to bore you with my mountains of praise.
The fourth and final film that I have always wanted to make was more precious to me than those previous three stories combined. Being born on All Hallow's Eve, I have always had a penchant for the macabre and grotesque. One slightly macabre character in particular has always been near and dear to my heart.
Everyday as a kid I drank out of this cheap plastic cup that had him and his pals' pictures grafted on it. It wasn't until the cup was so badly chipped and worn out from excessive use that my Grandmother had to toss it out. If it were still in good shape I'd be drinking out of it right now. Remnants of this character can be found throughout my domicile. And yes, my lil fan-bitches, I even wear a watch that bears his goofy mug.
Who is this kooky, macabre character I write of? Well, it's none other than SCOOBY DOO.
I'm telling you all this so you can see where I'm coming from. Prior to this screening the buzz about the net has been nothing short of abysmal. Both Harry and Moriarty have been feuding with gang of Doo over this production for a year now. Everything up to this point has made me believe that this flick was going to be the worst piece of shit since TPM. Hell, even after watching the trailer this past Friday I told myself that this movie was going to blow worse than a razor toothed Tijuana whore. I even wrote up a preliminary review of this film that included terms like ass-spelunking, intern fucking, and comparisons to 9/11. Before going into this screening I had my claws extended - Wolverine style - ready to slice the fuck out of director Raja Gosnell and Company. I SO wanted to write a review that would outrage every man, woman, child and beast that walks, has ever walked and will ever walk the face of this earth. Hell, I wanted to write up something so repulsive that it would even make Larry Flynt blush!
BUT I CAN'T!!! I CAN'T, GODDAMN IT, I CAN'T!!!
I wept for hours on end after seeing this movie. I built myself up so much over the prospects of this movie being nothing but HORRENDOUS. The idea of this movie being decent seemed as far-fetched as me going down on Rosie O'Donnell during a sweltering hot August day in the San Fernando Valley!
I have been defeated. I fall to my knees and weep! All my expectations have been shot to HELL! You have no idea how frustrating it is for ME, THE MIGHTY JOE HALLENBECK, to swallow my own words, admit defeat and say that SCOOBY DOO wasn't all that bad.
There - I said it! Print that up and post it on your Office Walls, you Warner Bros. Fuckers! I hate you for disappointing me like this! How can you actually make a good movie about Scooby Doo? How? Did you actually watch the cartoons? You must have! Did you do some fan research about what we have loved and hated about the Doo? You had to have! You bastards actually did something right for a change. I'm baffled beyond all belief. Have aliens come down, replaced your brains and taken away the blowjob-receiving, coke-snortin', Spago-eatin' business grads that usually make important decisions at the Studio and replaced them with film and TV-literate fanboys who actually know what the fuck they are doing and know how to treat the original material with a certain degree of respect and confidence?!
YOU FUCKS! YOU MOTHER FUCKERS! I want to lay waste to you but I can't because you have actually done something right for a change! YOU DICKS!!!!! I FUCKIN‚ HATE YOU!!!
FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!
I don't have the will power to delve into the usual review I write. I'm just so goddamn angry with these fuckers for making a decent movie that I honestly don't know what to write, so here goes. . .
Scooby and Shaggy are downright awesome! I never hated the idea of Matthew Lillard as Shaggy, but I was never sold on it. . .until now. His Shaggy is so dead on perfect it's scary. Harry. . .Moriarty. . .or any of you other fucks out there who beg to differ I'll have to beat you with my Hallen-Bat?.
Velma. . .just come out already. They hinted upon her desires for the same sex, but toned it down from the initial screening that took place up in Sacramento a few weeks back. What was left in the movie are some great laughs for adults and fans alike, but not as many as I had hoped. Linda Cardellini really needs to be spanked . . .badly! Boy, would I love to put a glaze on those glasses!
Fred - for those of you who think that George W. or Michael Bay are the anti-Christ I'd say think again. Freddie Prinze Jr. has them beat by a mile. How someone with absolutely no talent whatsoever rises through the ranks of the Hollywood Regime is beyond me (then again, look at Keanu). Is it his smarmy looks, his 3-inch dick or his uncanny knack of delivering a line with complete incompetence? Whatever the reason I do have to say that casting him in the role of Fred isn't as bad as I expected. As portrayed in the film, Fred is an empty-headed, egotistical pompous ass who wears tight pants and an ascot. You add in talentless hack and you've got Junior to a "T!" Now, this is not to say that Junior is great in the film. Far from it. I've seen better comic timing on a Jerry Lewis telethon . . . and I'm talking about one of those kids they feature every 20 minutes! Advice to Junior - retire, bang the shit out of Buffy, mooch off her residuals and leave the acting to people who can actually deliver a line without sounding like a Mongoloid on Quaaludes!
Daphne - I want to bite your ass. That's all.
The overall plot - its fuckin' Scooby Doo! As long as you have Shaggy pot jokes, Scooby acting like a pussy and Velma taking her top off I don't give a rat's ass what the fuck the plot is.
Oh, and one more thing - That cancer upon the Hanna/Barbera legacy, SCRAPPY DOO, GETS HIS COMEUPPANCE! That's all I'm going to say about that!
Understand one thing - this is NOT a great movie. However, it's not the wretched piece of shit you are all expecting. It's an amiable piece of fluff entertainment that will please fans and entertain the kiddies. My only advice to those putting the finishing touches on the flick is this:
1. If David Newman is doing the score have him heavily borrow elements of Hoyt Curtain's masterful tunes.
2. Put ALL of the Velma-lesbo stuff back in. Adults will love it. And besides. . . kids won't get it anyway.
3. Take out that stupid fuckin reggae version of the Doo theme in the beginning and put back the original!
One more thing - ATTENTION ASSHOLES AT WARNER HOME VIDEO:
RELEASE THE ENTIRE COLLECTION OF DOO EPISODES IN AN AWESOME 3 DVD SET! Don't you think it's about time?
Email nude drawings of Velma and Scooby-Dum to:
Matt Lillard, PayPal my payola by clicking here!
T.T.F.N.,
Joe Hallenbeck
