A BLADE II Review That Pretty Much Sums It All Up!!
Published at: March 22, 2002, 9:39 a.m. CST by staff
Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
I got in many BLADE II reviews today. This is the funniest BLADE II review I got in today. I don't think I'm going to run all 3,752 of them, but this one is worth it. All I know is... I know where the guy who wrote this review lives, and there's no way I'm going near that neighborhood till he calms down a little. Here's why:
BLADE FUCKIN' II! FUCK YEAH!
Man, like I just came from seeing Blade Fuckin II and I'm writing the title like that because aw man you're going to be so blown away you'll be all like, "Blade Fuckin II, that's what it should be called not Blade II because seriously HOLY SHIT". Even if you're talking to your grandparents visiting from Ohio you'll have like F-words flying because the movie kicks ass with a boot made of burning meat.
Also, if you see it with your girlfriend you'll automatically break up because hey, chicks stay away from this one. Go see Wedding Planner or that other one with the British guy and the bookstore and the cute dog and the herbal tea because this movie isn't for the chicks. Maybe for the chicks who ride motorcycles and can beat up pit bulls, maybe, but like holy shit fuckin boom! Pow bang yeah!
The movie is all about vampires which are bad enough but then there's these other vampires which are all like worse - their mouths are like garbage disposals so when they bite someone it's like a log flume ride made of blood and also there's heavy metal music playing over it.
The other vampires - the disposal mouth dudes are eating up the regular vampires so they're all like, "We gotta get Blade to help us" so they totally get him to go in with this group of ass-kicking vampires and here's the twist - they were trained to kill Blade only now they and Blade have to work together to kill the super-vamps and then, from that point on (MAJOR SPOLIERS AHEAD):
FUCKING SLASH KICK GUNS HEADS BLOWN OFF GODDAMN MOTORCYCLE FIGHT SCENES PUNCHING EYEBALLS OUT FLYING GUTS THROUGH THE AIR AND ALSO THIS ONE TOTALLY HOT CHICK SPURT CRUSH SNAP BONES EXPLOSIONS FIRE MELT-Y EXPLOSIONS SLAUGHTER MASSACRE RUN JUMP FLIP OVER HAMMER MACHINE GUN THROWING KNIFE-Y THING DEAD.
So when someone tells you this movie doesn't totally kick ass it's legal for you to break a bottle over their head and kick then in the groin and you can also fight the cops who show up to take you away - the movie is that bad-ass. See it before everyone thinks you're gay.
Oddly enough, I think that's word-for-word what Pauline Kael would have said about it, god rest her soul. Mouth like a sailor on that one.
There were originally two other reviews here, but one of our astute readers pointed out to me that they were plagarized from a Toronto newspaper, so I took them back down. I hope you guys check out BLADE 2 this weekend. Me, I've decided that if I see E.T. this weekend, it'll be over at the new Arclight in Hollywood, at the restored Cinerama Dome, which has always been my favorite screen in town. I have to see what they've done to it, and whether or not it holds up as a venue.