Just as “Smallville” is set in the age before Superman, “Birds of Prey” is set in the age after Batman. Herc’s hero and new best friend, “Princess X,” tells tales of its pilot script:
“Birds of Prey”/WB/WarnerBros/Tollin/Robbins
“Birds of Prey” is the new WB pilot based on the DC comic of the same name. Not being familiar with the comic, I can’t say whether there have been any major departures. But I can say that “Birds of Prey” as television is a resounding …yawn…. It’s poised as a kind of sequel to Batman: the Dark Knight: dark and earnest, with characters that take themselves and their lives extremely seriously. There’s a complete lack of humor or irony. Considering it’s written by Laeta Kalogridis (who wrote on Scream 3, and Tomb Raider) and produced by Tollin/Robbins (Smallville, Varsity Blues) it’s a banal disappointment. I expected thrills, chills, ass-kicking action, and/or arch dialogue. What I got was whiny self-involved characters navel-gazing in a predictable, convenient plot.
The pilot opens in flashback: the docks are burning, Joker is on the run, all’s right with the world. Or is it? …. Joker leaves parting gifts: A teenager’s mother, stabbed, lies dying in her arms. A young woman strips (page two and we have a shower scene…yeesssss!) The doorbell rings, she answers, and she is shot in the stomach. As blood flows artfully across the floor, it pools by the woman’s discarded clothing, and we recognize the symbol of Batgirl. Poor Batgirl. And somewhere else, a young girl wakes up screaming, having seen the whole thing in her dreams.
Flash forward 7 years, and we have two strong females who are not getting along very well. Barbara Gordon nka “the Oracle” fka “Batgirl” is now paralyzed from the waist down. She’s turned her brawn to brains and set up a Secret Lair at Wayne Manor. She and Helena nka “The Huntress” have been continuing to maintain law and order in the burg. But Helena’s having a tough time, okay? It’s the anniversary of the day her mother was stabbed to death in her arms, and she’s just not dealing, okay? She, like all modern protagonists has a shrink. Besides being incredibly obviously suspiciously up to no good, the shrink gives us the exposition we need. After Helena’s mom (Catwoman) was killed, her dad (Batman) disappeared. With nowhere else to go, Helena landed on Barbara’s couch. Mean ol’ Barbara took her in, fed her, clothed her, and taught her everything she knows. So of course, Helena is angry and rebelling. (At this point I’m completely confused about why Batgirl has to teach the daughter of Batman and Catwoman how to be a Superhero).
Back to our story. A train pulls up at Gotham Central, and young Dinah steps off. She’s the girl off the top who woke up screaming, seeing visions. Seems she does that a lot and thus she’s blonde, cute, and has no friends (ahhh…the WB) but it’ll be different here. Not so different, though, because she’s not in town two minutes before a guy gets hit by a bus right in front of her. Touching the now ex businessman, she’s walloped by a vision. The businessman thinks he’s at the dockyard, being eaten alive by rats. He panics and runs blindly. She struggles to stop him, but it’s impossible, and as she turns she sees a figure watching her from the shadows. Splat.
Poor girl, trouble just adores her, and it isn’t another hour before Dinah’s wrestling with a no-goodnik in an alley. Fortunately, the two alpha females have had a what’s it all about talk and Helena’s dealing with it, so Huntress is on the job to save Dinah in the nick of time. Some sweet ass-kicking ensues, after which Dinah, clasping Huntress’s hand in gratitude, gives her the old Dead Zone.
Well, aren’t we all surprised when Dinah shows up at the Secret Lair right in the middle of one of the tiresome how-dare-you-raise-me-like-a-sister bits. Barbara’s been working on a case involving prominent businessmen committing suicide. Dinah takes one look at a picture of one of the ex-businessmen and says, “It wasn’t suicide, I was there”. Yes, she too is a meta-human. Please let me stay, she says, I belong here, I don’t have anywhere else to go. That sounds familiar, says Barbara and Helena stomps out.
With Dinah’s help, a vague plan involving real estate is revealed. Four out of the five guys who were going to buy the dockyards are dead. Helena is dispatched to the last guy’s house, and Dinah’s off to scope out the dockyards.
Turns out Helena knows the remaining man, Ketterly. He was a friend of her father’s. They have a nice cup of tea, and Helena unloads all her angst about being abandoned. Dinah falls through the floorboards of an abandoned warehouse into the Joker’s old headquarters. Guided by Oracle’s voice, Dinah journeys down memory lane to the last time Oracle (Batgirl) fought at her mentor’s side. It was in this very abandoned office where she and Batman cornered the Joker. But wait, someone’s been here recently, using the desk! There are clippings of the dead guys with blood red x’s over their faces! And there’s more! The desk has now got a new blotter, a day timer, a cell phone (what, no recessed lighting, mini-bar, and framed photos of the bad guy…..oh wait….)
Spoilers:
Not kidding about the framed photos. Nope. It should be terribly funny, but it’s not. There on the Joker’s old desk is a framed photo of Ketterly and his family.
Meanwhile, Helena’s fallen under some spell. Ketterly has some amazing ability (never explained) to drive people crazy with their own fears. As soon as Dinah and Oracle put it together, they converge on Ketterly, just as Helena is about to end it all. “No one can help her now”, snarls Ketterly, “she’s trapped in her own fears”. “We’ll see about that”, says Dinah, and she hops into Helena’s vision. Somehow (hello? Rules?) Batgirl is able to come along, and they group-hug Helena into believing she’ll never be alone and abandoned again. Ketterly (still in vision) steps from the shadows doing that sarcastic slow hand-clapping thing villains do, but he’s quickly heave-ho’d by the validated and now ass-kicking Helena.
When they all come to back to real time at Ketterly’s house, he’s a vegetable. He’s tied up nice and neat, delivered to Arkham Asylum, and the girls return to the Lair. Remember the shrink from the top? Well, when she finds out Ketterly screwed up his assignment, she’s very pissed. She is Harleen Quinzel/Harley Quinn, and this is not over. Not by a long shot.
I will say one thing about “Birds of Prey”, it’s written with fabulous visual texture. Fans of the comic will probably love this too, but there’s nothing for a broader audience to relate to. The TV landscape is littered with the corpses of dark fantasies that took themselves too seriously. Harsh Realm, Brimstone, Millennium, and Total Recall….. Look at Angel or Buffy, a deft sense of humor opens up these worlds. Even Smallville, which does take itself seriously, has a very relatable heart. Lighten up “Birds of Prey”, humanize the characters, soften the martyrdom of the leads, and you might find the success of Charmed or Angel. Perhaps under the direction of Mike Tollin, they’ll find a series that works on all cylinders. “Birds of Prey”, the pilot produced by Tollin/Robbins and Warner Bros. shoots in Vancouver in the next month, starring Rachel Skarsten (Dinah/Black Canary), Dina Meyer (Barbara/Oracle/Batgirl), and Ashley Scott (Helena/Huntress).
Princess X
“Ketterly has some amazing ability (never explained) to drive people crazy with their own fears.” Hmm. Sounds more than a bit like the Scarecrow, does it not?
Well, the “Smallville” pilot had its faults. Should we at least be happy that someone committed a piece of Alan Moore’s “The Killing Joke” to celluloid?
