Hey folks, Harry here with poor Rav... He sacrificed his body, mind and eyes to the demon monster known as Britney Spears. Weep for him, for he took one for the team....
Trailer Trash Do Los Angeles Review
AKA. Review of Crossroads
***Start Spoilers***
Crossroads is about Layla, spears, a whore who keeps her customers coming back over and over again with her pet snake Chompy. One day one of her customers played by Justin Long from Jeeper Creepers convinces her to start shilling off prescription drugs to her customers to make a little bit of extra dough. See Layla one day longs to get her breast implant surgery reversed. The drug dealing proves a lucrative business, but a dangerous one as her pimp, played by Christopher Lee, would get rid of her whore ass. Well worst comes to worst and her pimp begins to learn of the situation, but a little too late as she has already hired Diego, a inexpensive refugee plastic surgeon. The film's climax occurs when Pimpy punishes her and forces her to massacre her favorite song "I Love Rock and Roll" by singing it like a shitty pop singer would. Hehe now its time for her revenge ON THE CROSSROADS!
***End Spoilers***
Tonight I saw Crossroads. Usually I try to remain open minded about things and see everything, no matter how shitty it may look. I go into these movies hoping for the legendary bait-and-switch, that I've never really experienced, but there has to be a producer cool enough to actually do it one day, like placing ads for crossroads then being able to maniacly laugh at the teeny-boppin audience being subjected to all sorts of depravity. Well after watching every single Freddie Prinze Jr. film to date, On The Line, and Crossroads I am convinced that that awesome producer does not exist in this world and that bothering to watch another one of these formulaic pieces of shit.
Crossroads really fails on every possible level, except for the Spears booty-shaking factor. Can you picture Britney Spears as a Valedictorian? well how about when her first scene is dancing around in her underwear in her room? Then you hear her complain about not having any fun in highschool later on, but damnit she seems like shes having a lot of fun there. The film relies on all the other actors to actually build her character, because its no real secret that Britney Spears can't fucking act. For example, she's supposed to be this high school nerd pretty much just because she hangs out with her nerdy lab partner played by Justin Long from Jeeper's Creepers, his scenes really are the most entertaining in the film, too bad there are only three. Okay this so called "nerd" spends all her time singing along to nsync, dancing in her room, and talking in the hallway like any other popular girl. Okay now with that out the window we have her and her friends who have all supposed to have a falling out since they were younger, why? its never really explained why they suddenly stopped talking to each other its just implied that i guess everyone hates their kid-friends after a while, but are drawn to reunite with each other over a time capsule box. (maybe there was a collectable baseball card that had appreciated in value a hell of a lot in it or something). Oh and Zoe Saldana, holy shit we have a tie for next years razzie with her co-star britney, hell will freeze over if she could one day deliver a believable line or play a character that we actual give a shit about. Then we have Anson Mount, who is laughably one of the worst male leads to ever grace the screen, if you dont laugh at his most dramatic scene (my car is the only thing that has not been taken over by girls........awwwwwww) Britney sleeps with him to make up for it. The only decent lead actor in this film is Taryn Manning, playing the trailer trash friend Mimi, she actually makes an attempt at playing a character rather than walking through and collecting her pay check.
Well this film does have a little bit of redeemable value, and I emphasize LITTLE. If you look at this piece of shit in the right way, it is one of the best pieces of absurdist comedy to grace screens for quite some time, as long as you dont let it piss you off. I mean isnt it quite odd for the girl that has been gracing screens and pages half naked since she was sixteen is singing a song called "Overprotective" talking about having such an overprotective parent, hell and playing a shut-in teenager. Then we have her poetry, yes Britney is also a young poet in this film penning the lines to her songs as her own poetry which she later puts to music for her BIG music audition. It actually is even more fun to make fun of in Mystery Science mode than Glitter, this mode is really the only way to watch this film.
The one reason im told people other than teenyboppers are planning to see "Trailer Trash Whores Go To Los Angeles" is for the britney skin factor, but for fucks sake pedophiles, guys, teenagers is her skin not really public domain by now? I mean shes been wearing skimpy outfits since her first video, she doesnt really go any further in this film. If you want to see this movie for that reason can I please urge you to sneak in, because like if people buy tickets to this movie it might encourage her to act in something like this again, which will be a great blow to all of man kind, you know almost like a de-monolith the film will ultimately make us dumber and act like hairy apes. Although I must say, if Britney learned how to act a lil better she would be really fucking cool in a American remake of Audition.
Holy shit this movie really was forged by Satan.
Rav
sorry for the rambling incoherent review, but this is what the film does to your head man STAY AWAY.....KEEP YOUR LOVED ONES AWAY FROM THIS FUCKING MOVIE. SEND PRINTS OF THIS TO AFGHANISTAN!
