Ok folks, I don't know about you, but after the last test screening I was very excited about seeing the new HALLOWEEN film. So it was with great excitement that I heard the voice of Hallenbeck telling me that there was another test screening and that he was going. He had such enthusiasm in his voice. Michael Myers is his logo. He lives and breathes Carpenter's original. In fact he's had plastic surgery to emulate Michael Myer's mask look. It's pretty creepy actually. So, last night I get in, and the phone rings and... there's Hallenbeck. Usually when I receive a telephone message from the man himself... well... it means he's very very excited. HE HATED THE FILM... My heart sunk, you see this was a movie that should have been made for people like Hallenbeck... I'm now worried about the film. In addition I received 3 other reviews of the film. Two of them also didn't care for the movie, and the third thought it was almost as good as the original... Well, I don't know, but there may be a black sheep in the house.... Here ya go... Joe's review doesn't really have any spoilers, but the rest do... so read on....
I, The Mighty Joe Hallenbeck, after viewing the latest installment of the Halloween series, has just figured out why it's called Halloween: H20 -- It's a watered down version of the franchise!!! I'm a raving, nutball fanatic of the entire series(#3 doesn't count). The Halloween series to me is like the Star Wars series to others. I know many out there didn't care for 4, 5, and 6(actually, I didn't like #6 all that much either...that is, until I saw the Director's Cut. It was like seeing the Special Edition of The Abyss...it was almost a completely different movie. So much was explained and mondo cool shit happened. I couldn't believe how good it was compared to the Theatrical release. Try to get your hands on this puppy if you can. You won't regret it!), but I actually dug them. Oh, how I looked forward to #6 after seeing that cool ending of #5. I was going nuts trying to figure out who the man in the black boots was. But, enough about that. Let's get back to one of the worst movie's I've seen all year. To even say Halloween is a movie is an overstatement. It felt more like an episode of Goosebumps(the damn thing ran only 80 minutes!!!). I turned to my buddies at the end of the flick and yelled out, "What the fuck was that?!"
Let me see if I can break this down for you.
The Plot - there is none. It takes place 20 years after the 2nd one. The other sequels have nothing to do with this movie.
The Writing - Nothing remotely passable as a script made it to the screen. I've seen more depth and complexity in a Friday the 13th Movie!
The Directing - A message to Steve Miner, "DIE, YOU FUCKIN' HACK SON OF A BITCH, DIE!!! What the hell did you do to my Halloween? It's supossed to be a horror movie with stlye and substance. It's supposed to be eerie and nerve-racking to sit through. The Master, Alfred Hitchcock, once said, "Suspense does not lie within the bag...it's in the anticipation of opening it." I doubt you've ever seen one of Hitch's films. If so, you'd know how to milk every "suspenseful" moment of your movie. I have never been so bored with a horror movie in my life. There's no gratuitous violence or heart-pounding sequences. It's a fuckin PG-13, PC HORROR MOVIE!!! The fuckin 90's suck!!! I remember a time when you could go to a horror movie and see massive bloodshed and mucho T&A. Of course, the movie sucked, but it was fun to sit through. Occasionally an Evil Dead or Nightmare on Elm Street would pop up every now and then that was pretty well written, but the majority of them were made for cheap thrills. H20 doesn't even have that!!! This movie(and I use that term loosely) was so ineptly directed and edited it was as if chimps with a camera and scissors made this wretched piece of shit!
The acting:
Jamie Lee Curtis - Sure, it's cool to se Laurie again, but write her into a better fuckin movie!!! The "Queen of Scream" is alright. That's it...just alright. She does some cool shit at the end, but by that time I was feeling suicidal and I didn't give a rat's ass as to what happens.
Adam Arkin - I love this guy as an actor, but why was he in this POS? Adam, babe...fire that schmuck of an agent and work on movies more suited for your talent.
The son and his girlfriend - Two reasons why I'm Pro-Choice. Their parents could have spared the world the horror of watching them act on screen if only they aborted them when they were just harmless fetuses.
Janet Leigh - the only remotely cool scene in the flick is when Janet gives Jamie some "Motherly" advice. Now, I don't know about you, but wouldn't you think these fuckin' hack writers would've written a scene in the movie with her taking a shower...or better yet, a bath? After all, it's a horror movie that stars a Psychotic, kitchen-knife weilding Mass Murderer. A little imagination and sense of humor go a long way, fellas.
The music - I know it was a temp track, but what the fuck were you thinking having those god damn action cues playing throughout most of the movie. Hearing the music fron I Know What You Did Last Summer and Usual Suspects playing in a Halloween movie made me want to vomit. The thing that makes the Halloween movies so fuckin' awesome is it's brilliant, subtle musical cues. Just thinking about it's simplistic theme sends shivers down my spine. Using a couple of bits of Howarth's version of the music(not Johnny-boy's!) just doesn't cut it for me! You made an awful movie even more wretched by having that pulse-pounding shit ruin suspenseful scenes. Watch the original and notice the minimalistic approach Carpenter took with the music. When he uses it(and when he doesn't) it adds so much suspense and horror to the scene. Please, to whomever scores this fuckin piece of shit, don't fuck up on the music. It might be the film's only saving grace. BTW, hearing Mr. Sandman again brought a tear to my eye. That song still gives me the creeps.
The ending - the very end is pretty cool and somewhat poetic. Good ole Laurie was channeling Lizzy there for a moment and it sure was cool. Unfortunatly, the first 79 minutes of the film sucked so bad it couldn't even help the flick rise out of the pile of shit it became.
Like Jaws 2-4 and Alien 3 & 4, H20 doesn't exist in my mind. I'm completely erasing it from memeory. From now on, only 5 Halloween movies were made, the first 2 and 4-6!
They should have paid Carpenter 20 million to come back to revitalize the series, but alas...they did not. It could've been cool having Carpenter and Curtis back together with Kevin Williamson having something to do with the writing, but of course, that's a pipe dream. Maybe in my perfect little world I can imagine it did. Yeah, that's it. They made the movie and it kicks ass! Ah, now I'm happy. Unfortunately, when I snap back to reality, I'll have to grab my bat and go beat the shit out of someone(s) over at Dimension Films. Until then...
T.T.F.N.,
Joe Hallenbeck
hallenbeck69@hotmail.com
P.S. They gave most people T-shirts as we went in. Trying to buy us off is pathetic. You should be ashamed of yourselves. (in a nice Scottish burr) You may show us shitty movies, but you'll never buy off our TASTE!!!!
"H20" COMES UP DAMP
by "Jack, the Boy Wonder"
Okay, lets set the record straight. Halloween: H20 is NOT better than its first two predecessors, it's NOT better than Scream, and it's NOT better than Disturbing Behavior. Both Miramax and an "independent source" keep claiming how well the picture has tested. Huh!? Testing well? Testing great? How is this plausible? The audience I was with laughed all through the picture. Let me, let us, be your dissenting voice(s).
The Plot - Um, should this be a question? Yeah, I think it should. Plot? I wasn't aware there was one. Could somebody help me with this?
The Performances - You can't really blame the actors, it's the writers' fault. But generally, every performer does what they can with their Razzie Award worthy written characters.
The Writing - Poor. The same horror movie gimmicks ("I'll be right back") keep popping up over and over. A character whose name shall remain nameless (he's a rapper in the house in real life) takes a few gun shots in the chest. He appears dead. But no, no, no, no! The filmmakers have to bring him back (probably because he's such a wonderfully written character) minutes later, to protect Jamie Lee. This guy was just severely wounded, and now he's walking around like nothing happened!?
Yes, I realize that this is not intended to be Shakespeare, its purpose is to spook. Well, that's my point - it doesn't do its job. It doesn't scare.
The End - Surprisingly satisfying. I don't want to give it away, but there will be some heads falling, I mean turning!
This isn't a horrible film, by any means. It has its redeeming moments, like when Jamie Lee and Michael Myers first confront face-to-face. But overall, mediocre. There's nothing new. This genre keeps unfortunately growing tiresome. There's few thrills, few chills, and few kills. Wait for rental.
I came back from a preview screening of H20 (I still cringe when I use that subtitle) tonight and I am beside myself. but first…
I was too young to really enjoy Halloweens 1 and 2 when they first came out, but I do remember seeing Halloween on HBO when I was still pretty young. I didn’t really know what was going on, but the images and mood of the movie gave me nightmares. The movie stuck with me until I was old enough to really appreciate it and I have been a fan of the Halloween films ever since. I have always thought Michael was by and far the most menacing of the Big Three (Freddy, Jason, Mike). I was also a fan of the those series’ but they never took root in my mind like the first Halloween. I saw Halloweens 4, 5, and 6 all on opening night, and thought 4 and 5 were excellent (5 is VERY underrated) and was very disappointed with 6 (as most were). I thought that the next installment was going to be quite a challenge for the screenwriters as they had to compile the entire mythology and attempt to make sense of the whole mess that 6 screwed up.
Halloween: 20 Years Later does this conveniently by ignoring the last three films. I am kind of peeved by this move because there are a lot of loyal fans out there that have taken the story seriously and wanted answers. I don’t think this is too much to ask. If you are going to submit an installment to a series, PLEASE make it fit with the rest. There is no mention of Jamie or the druish connections that 5 and 6 imply. This is the biggest gripe I have with H20 and I believe it is a valid one.
However, I can honestly say that H20 is, without a doubt, the best slasher film I have seen since the original. It is simply AWESOME. I considered giving spoilers away in this review for cathartic effect, but I don’t want ANYONE to be robbed of a single moment of this film. If you do disregard (gasp) the last 3 installments, this movie is a perfect compliment to 1 and 2. The moment that Laurie and Michael meet, face to face for the first time in 20 years, took my breath away. I can confidently say that thank GOD they did not screw this movie up. There were moments, especially with the teenagers, that were formula slasher film (one by one the kids are offed in sickening ways), but these are conventions of the genre. I am sure, however, that the critics will only see these cliches and pan the movie. DON’T LISTEN. The driving force behind this movie is the conflict between Laurie and Michael. And it is played out to maximum effect. I loved Scream, but this movie is better. It does not have a smart-ass attitude like that movie did. It serves its horror straight-up Carpenter style.
I would love to discuss the ending with anyone else who has been lucky enough to see this film. THE ENDING WILL BLOW YOUR FUCKING MIND. It’s difficult for me to discuss it without giving anything away so I’ll stop now. I can’t WAIT until August 5th to hear the fans’ reactions. And, lest I forget, the film was sorely missing the ranting of Donald Pleasance. I would have LOVED him being a part of this.
If there is some studio exec out there reading this, PLEASE remove H20 from the main titles. This series is not about catch phrases.
The print I saw had a temporary soundtrack, mostly lifted from the original, so I can’t wait to hear the new music. Also, the audience was going wild during this movie. The most enthusiastic reaction I have ever heard from a movie audience.
I’m still kind of reeling from the experience so I apologize for the choppy writing. Moral of the story is GO SEE THIS FILM.
SURFER BOY
Incinerator here. I saw Halloween :20 years later at a screening tonight. I should have caught on to some of the clues in front of me before I went into the movie. It was at a small theater, I didn't recognize any of the NRG goons there (probably breaking in the new batch of slow-witted drones), and they didn't indicate that they wanted us to fill out opinion surveys afterwards. The film quite simply is a disappointment. It is punctuated by a few moments that are genuinely cool. Janet Leigh is in it for about 5 minutes and she is great (although they could have worked in some really good jokes for her). Her best line is, "we've all had bad things happen to us". Alone, it doesn't sound good, but it works in the scene. Adam Arkin is pretty good as Laurie Strode's boyfriend. He has a good scene where all he really wants to do is get laid, but then Laurie starts telling him about the whole Michael Myers thing and the mood is killed. The complaint list : Plot - maybe it was hacked up by some Michael Myers attack we didn't see in the film. Whatever happened to it, it wasn't there. Unless it was : Michael Myers tries to kill Laurie Strode ....again. The running time: 80 lousy minutes!
I've seen Disney cartoons longer than that! The whole movie is rather aimless except for the distractions that the creators might call "characters" and "plot points". Make no mistake kids, This flick is weak. My time would have been better spent watching "Chairman of the Board" or some other fine studio offering. I came up with better story ideas while waiting for a table at a restaurant after the movie. They come close to raising some interesting ideas for the movie, then abandon them so we can see Myers strolling around ominously. And for some reason, they had the blonde chick from Dawson's Creek in it wearing a Shirley Temple hairdo and noticeably penciled-on eyebrows. Where's my teen sex shots, topless bimbos, suspense, plot, interesting characters, twists? I at least want some of those in a horror movie! How about this - let's have a film of Michael Myers butchering all those responsible for this film and then have the rest of movie be a bunch of monkeys chained to typewriters that would actually come up with a better story ! Its a good thing I don't take the Halloween franchise as seriously as one of my companions at the movie - he almost had to be restrained. I tried to find explanations. "Maybe they're hiding another reel or two at the lab!
That's why the film was so short!" But my associates soon helped me realize that we had in fact seen the real film in its entirety (except of course for the score). Don't go see it kids, wait for cable (not even video). Make the studios work a little harder for your bucks.
Keep the home fires burning,
Incinerator
